What my day brought me....

[Pony]

Well, my Thanksgiving was OK. I mean we had good food and I shared it with two of my four daughters and my mother. I have been feeling really low the past 24 hrs. because I miss things they way they used to be around the holidays.

I shared these feeling with a few already but thought I would go ahead and share a bit of it here. I grew up with lots of family around during the holidays, even when they didn't really get along we've alaways been together and shared the time. Family is very improtant to me. My kids have alsway been important to me and now things that are going on within the family has separated our family apart and it makes me very sad.

I know that life is changing and I have to change right along with it....and I guess I will, it just hurts for right now. I will get past it...always do. Talking about it has helped and the support that I have been given already has put my thinking in on the road to a better place.

But I still battle with some self-esteem issues that kind of stem from what's been going on with my relationship with my kids and past "long-term" relationships that have failed and some of which tie into the relationship with my mother and the kind of mother I do and don't want to be to my youngest one. I don't want what's happened with my older girls to happen between her and I. I'm not sure how I could do with losing all my kids.

This will pass, I just get to feeling great about things and then...zap....but life goes on and on and so will I.

My food has been OK... I didn't overdo which surprised me and I didin't have anything that was bad. So I feel good about that. But I had made plans on two different days to get to the gym and didn't make it either time. So I need to work on that. Once I get back in there I know that I will feel better. But the motivation for follow through has waviered...

Anyway, thanks for listening.

[Nina Kay]

Hi Pony,
I really can understand how you feel about missing things the way that they used to be around the holidays, where family members are concerned. I don't know what all you're goin through with your daughters, but my little immediate family turned out Nothing like I worked so hard for, when they were little & I was young. I've been pretty depressed about that fact the last week or so. The last few years, I've found myself really angry and resentful to have to even deal with the Holidays. I feel guilty for that because I'm so worried about ruining them for everyone else. On Thanksgiving Day, I finally really realized and admitted to myself that this was the reason that I always react this way. I cried and stalled and then I got myself together and went on to have a pretty nice Thanksgiving with my whole big family. I decided that I was going to be nice to myself and so I didn't try so hard at everything this year. It all went alot better for me. My family is never going to be like I had thought when I was young and I need to just accept that ONCE AGAIN and do the best I can with the way it is. Live life on life's terms, as they say in the program.

I'm so sorry that you had to feel this way and to go through what you did. I just wanted you to know that I really understand, to a point, how you feel and it's okay and normal to feel that way, with all that you're dealing with. I'm really glad that you came here and posted and shared with us. Please try not to be too hard on yourself. None of us are perfect and none of us have perfect pasts or perfect families or holiday celebrations. I think that it's all a fantasy pattern that everyone tries to make a reality and everyone thinks is what everyone else has, so it's a fantasy pattern that we all try to follow, but it's not really the way it turns out in any family, except maybe for a while in each one. All families go through changes of different kinds, for different reasons and we all have to adjust to things we never thought that we would. But we're all just human, with human weaknesses and stuff happens and we just have to adjust to the changes and broken dreams. We can do this, one day at a time. I have to just be thankful for each thing that is good still, because I know, in so many ways, things could be a whole lot worse. I'm very thankful that they're not a whole lot worse. I'm thankful that things and each family member's life is at least as good as it is. I know that you are too. I know that it hurts, but I know that you'll be okay and I will too. We are strong women, overall. I love you, Pony. (((((((((Friend Hugs))))))))

[Pony]

Thanks Nina, sorry it took me so long to get back to this.

I am feeling a bit better about some things here. I have let go of part of the stuff with my oldest daughter....I say part because well, she is my daughter and for now I guess I will hold on to the hope that she will vome ot her senses and realize that family is important to her. She has been avoiding her sister as well...so I guess in that sense it helps me to feel that I am not alone.

It's been in other areas of my life that I have been struggling really bad with neg. thoughts. Something happened with someone saying something that triggered feelings from my past and those thoughts in my head about not being adequate. All the self doubting came flooding through every part of my being. To the point that I truely started to think that maybe people, like Greg, were right and wondered why anyone would want anything to do with me and litterally starting having thoughts of not wanting to ever leave my bedroom again. If I could just stay there then....... you know. But I know that I cannot live life that way. I know that I have some really good friends that like me for who I am inside as well as my outside, and don't wish to change me. I know that they hope for me to get healthy and lose my weight, but that is not an issue for their friendship to me.

I am really having a hard time getting myself back on the track I was on only a year ago. The one where I was going to the gym almost daily and my eating was much better than now. Where my brain was in much better place and focused.....but I had a partner in this and now, here at home, I feel so alone in this. No one to boost me into this when I cave in. I know I have to do it myself but I always have an excuse then sounds good to me!!! Know what I mean??

Well, anyway......currantly that's where I am at....struggling, but here.

Thanks for listening.

[Nina Kay]

those thoughts in my head about not being adequate. All the self doubting came flooding through every part of my being. To the point that I truely started to think that maybe people, like Greg, were right and wondered why anyone would want anything to do with me and litterally starting having thoughts of not wanting to ever leave my bedroom again. If I could just stay there then....... you know. But I know that I cannot live life that way.

Hi Pony,
I thought that I'd already replied to this post of yours, but when I came back to it, I was surprised to see that I hadn't. This part of what you said is something that I have fought with all of my life. I have these feelings to an extreme about myself alot of times. It's usually an episode like this that brings on the isolation thing that I do from time to time. It's so sad that we feel this way about ourselves and that we let others affect us in such a destructive way. I always think, " Who do they think they are to act like they are so much better than me and do they think that their opinions of people is the rule or something." Then I realize, after a long stint of beating myself up severely, that those people wouldn't have a leg to stand on if it wasn't for the fact that what they are saying is only echoing what I'm feeling about myself already. That's the only reason that what others think or say, holds any weight at all. The true problem is how I see myself and how I feel about myself. I know that you and I just have to keep working on learning to love ourselves and even like ourselves. Then what others think or say about us wouldn't hold any weight because we would know better and we wouldn't put any stock any anything that they had to say.

I know that I have some really good friends that like me for who I am inside as well as my outside, and don't wish to change me. I know that they hope for me to get healthy and lose my weight, but that is not an issue for their friendship to me.

You are my friend Pony, and I feel this way about you. I like you and love you for who you are on the inside. I haven't seen the outside, but I know that it wouldn't make any difference to me. I hope that the way that I look wouldn't make any difference to you. I also hope that you lose the weight for your health and happiness, but it certainly has nothing to do with you being my friend. (((((((((((((((((Loving Friend Hugs)))))))))))))))

How are you now?

[Pony]

Hey Nina, I wish to thank you for always being here to talk to me. Honestly You have been one of the only one's here that consistantly gives me support here in "this" forum. Recently the only one that replies.

Nina, you are my friend and I am honored that you include me in that realm. NO, your appearance would not make any difference to me and our friendship. It is not what is on the outside that makes a person who they are........You are a sweet caring person who I am lucky to know.


My interent has been down this past week, so I have not been around here...... I am trying to get caught up to speed on the goings on.....and I have to get going back to work right now, but I will write more later on when I get home tonight.....(I am working late tonight...High school soccer game I am drinving the team)

Hugs Nina....and thanks again.

[Nina Kay]

Pony,
I'm also honored that you would consider me a friend and you are also obviously, a very loving and kind person. Thanks to you for always being there to support me, too. I reckon that's just what friends do though, huh?! Support each other, I mean.

I hope that you had lots of fun at the soccer game tonight.