new to this/ a little bit of my story

okay, i'm new to this. i found you today while searching the internet for some kind of help.

i think i've just diagnosed myself as having a binge-eating disorder. i am not overweight, well maybe somewhat, i think i'm "average", but i can identify with the other "symptoms" that all the sites show about binge-eating disorders.

i'm kind of afraid to do this, but more than anything, i just want to get this off my chest, and get this "out there", because up to this point i have been totally alone in this.

no one knows that i have a problem with eating, i'm pretty good at hiding it, though food/eating proves to be a constant battle in my head that i can't seem to get over.
like i said, i'm pretty much average size, however, i feel like i'm too "big" for "me". all of my life i have been very small, and all of my friends and family know me as being small. my life has almost revolved around it. when i was younger i got a lot of attention because i was "cute and little". i had no idea that it could someday be damaging. but it has, now, i think, that i've come to identify myself around being a "little person". but ever since i graduated and went away to college (i am a college student now) i have gained a little weight. i know it's not a lot, but like i said, it feels like too much for me. and it's to the point where i don't want to go out if i've just eaten too much, i find it hard to even go to work or school sometimes because i feel "fat". walking around campus, i feel like i'm especially conscious of any part of me that might look "fat", and feel like other people are probably judging me by this.

i want to work out more, but i guess i already feel like i'm destined to fail at that. i've never been a very athletic person, and i guess i'm afraid of failure. besides, i feel like if i could just lose some weight first then i would be able to show my face at the gym, or at the pool, whatever.

i weigh 117 lbs. right now. but my weight fluctuates a lot - usually anywhere between 115 and 125. i've been up to 129. i used to weigh 105 in high school.

i hate going home or being seen around my home town because i know everyone there remembers me like i used to be, and i'm embarrassed of what i've become.

i know i'm really not that overweight, but i just feel so out of control. i feel like my eating habits are really horrible, and that i'm powerless to control them.

i rarely ever eat in front of people, and then only in front of people i'm really comfortable with. and even then i don't eat a lot.

i feel like i'm depriving myself if i don't eat a lot, or eat food that's bad for me. sometimes i wait for everyone to leave the house or to go to bed so i can eat. i eat in the restrooms at school, or in the car.

i feel so horrible about this. i feel ridiculous and disgusting at the same time.

i'm sorry if this message is especially long, but i really just want to get this out there.

i feel like i'm out of place. i don't know if i'll get a response. i guess more than anything, i just want to know that someone somewhere knows that this is going on. i admire all of you who have the courage to talk about and fix your problems.

i thank you for just being there to read about mine.

lauren

Lauren

You are not alone. The problem is not with your weight, it is with how you are perceiving yourself. I know at college they have counseling sevices available for students. I think it would be good if you could talk to a professional about how you are feeling about yourself.

I have been stuck in unhealthy eating cycles and it can be hard to break out of. Try not to beat yourself up about what you do, that just makes it worse, and keeps the cycle going.

If you don't feel good about going to the gym, try just going for a 15 to 20 minute walk everyday. Go at your own pace, and do what feels comfortable for you. Try not to compare yourself to others, but see yourself for the special and unique person that you are.

Juls

[Pray_Lady]

Hi Lauren! I'm so glad you're here!

I hear your isolation. It brings back memories for me of when I was in college, which was a very lonely time for me. Coming here and telling it like it is, is a big step out of isolation and into the human race. Good for you!

You know, we can fool ourselves with the "When I am different, then I'll be able to..." trap. But the truth is, people who don't like themselves with whatever amount of weight, still don't like themselves when they lose it. That's why most people who lose go back up and then some. Everyone has things about them that are lovable - can you find some about yourself?

As far as your weight is concerned, I think you know that you aren't really overweight. And what other people are thinking is probably that they wish they could look like you!

God bless you, Lauren. I hope you find the support you need. Come back here anytime! We'll be here!

Pray Lady

Hi Lauren,
Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.. There are many like us out there. A little more than a year ago I was diagnosed with anorexia NOS (not otherwise specified) I also have my periods of bulima as when my body is so starved I eat and then purge I also when ever I eat purge no matter how little or how major the amount of food is.. I also feel very fat no matter what anyone tells me.. I also see fat when I look in the mirror, Though the doctors say that I am underweight (I weigh about 105 and I am 5'3)
I feel very insecure about my body and who looks at me.. So I know that feeling well.. I guess now I am rambling. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone... Here if you would like to talk..

Chey

[CherylG]

Just had to reply to you. I think you are using food as comfort. The reason I suggest this is because that is what I do and believe me when I say I have took a lot of comforting over the last year. I wish I had the answer. It is so easy to say get exercise, eat less, blah, blah, blah. When you don't feel good about yourself it is so easy to feed your soul with something that tastes so good. I try drinking water so I fill up on that. That lasts a day or so. The hard times is when I am alone which is a lot lately. Tell you what, let's make a packed to pray for each other and drink more water. Let me know how your doing and vise versa.

[CherylG]

P.S.- just had to add this...
No one looks the same as they did in high school, thank God! Just wait until your 25th class reunion and a kid or two. I hope this does not bum you out, but at that time most of the guys have lost their V shape and the girls have big butts. I have found that the ones that go are the GOOD friends that don't care what you look like but just want to see YOU. Still it would be nice to be able to stick to the 8 glasses of water and more exercise thing. By the way, I am 5'8 and in high school weighed 140. Still 5'8' but lets just say with a few more pounds, but do realize I will never see 140 again.

[Pray_Lady]

Hi Cheryl,

I really want to say this in a loving way. I don't think it's appropriate to tell someone who probably isn't up to a normal weight and who has trouble eating that they should drink water instead of eating. I know you were trying to be helpful and to speak out of your own experience. I could be wrong, but what I hear of Lauren's experience is that it is quite a bit different from yours.

Thanks for considering this.

Pray Lady

[firefly]

Hello Lauren,

I, too, just found this site, a few days ago.

I think it's great that you wrote what you did. That's step one. You are not alone. It's a rough world out here. We all need comfort. We soothe ourselves any way we can. Sometimes, the soothing turns in to something that becomes very unhealthy. The good news is that all behaviors are learned. We can learn how to soothe ourselves in different ways that are healthy. It's a process. Mine started 18 years ago in High School, although the ground work was laid down much earlier. I'm here because, after 18 years, I still haven't addressed issues that are part of my addiciton, like not talking about things.

You have taken a very important step. I applaud you. The biggest challenge will be to remember it's all about steps. Process is what's important.

Peace, serenity and joy,

firefly

i just wanted to thank everyone who has responded to my post. it really means so much to me just to get this out there, and to know that there are others who are experiencing the similar things. most of all, i think, it makes me feel so good to know that there are other people who care enough to want to help and listen.

i have a friend who reminds me all the time that just 'talking' can be very therapeutic - even if the listener doesn't necessarily have any advice. i think overall we just want to be understood, and having someone there to listen can mean the world. so i want to thank all of you.

i'm just beginning to realize that i really do have something that needs attention, and am trying to figure out how to deal with it. i do have hope. i just don't know how to manifest it, necessarily, into something that works.

but thank you for just "being there" - and for your courage and strength. it gives me courage and strength too.

[Pony]

Hi there Lauren,

I too would like to say welcome to this site. I hope that we can be a good sounding board for you to just come and spill all you have to say and feel. All of us here have one thing or another that we are working through. Some you may connect with and others just have the understanding and will to listen and care.
Although, myself I am overweight and have been most of my life, I can identify with the feeling of being out of control and ashamed of my unhealthy behaviors. As some have pointed out here, behaviors can be changed. Lucky for us. It is not easy, but it can be done.
Please continue to post here we are all interested in recovery.

For today I had a great day and I feel good about me!

Pony

[CherylG]

Sorry to sound so insensitive in my post. I have a lot of issues to work on and try to do one at a time. I keep reading the posts on the eating disorders line, because I have serious issues there, but need work on the alanon and naranon that I have been dealing with for 24 years now. I will stick with those for the time being and may be the weight one will just go away when I am feeling better about my other issues. Sorry, again to stick my nose in.

[firefly]

Hey Cheryl G,

All we can ever do is one step at a time. Issues with food are an addiction all to themselves, and, while, like any addiction, compulsive behavior is involved, it's still separate from alcohol or drugs. I hope that you are able, also, to come back here and express yourself. Mistakes are all part of the process.I'm not 100 o/o sure on this, however, I think part of why we're all here is 'cause we got shut down, and then learned it so well, we took over and shut ourselves down.

Peace and serenity,

firefly

Cheryl,

Don't get down on yourself. I didn't think your post sounded insensitive. You were expressing your opinion, you didn't put anyone down. I myself am 5'3" and weigh 165. I put all my weight on with my last baby at age 41. Before that I was a compulsive exerciser, if I ate anything "bad," I would make myself go out and run five miles. That was not healthy either. Now I don't eat much, and have not exercised since before my pregnancy. The weight just doesn't come off. I attribute it to my age and lack of exercise. I'm not going to worry about it though, I have enough just working on recovery from drugs.

Juls