updating.....

[Pony]

Hey gang, I am still around. Things with me have been a bit on the busy side so I haven't been posting much. I have been in here checking in and reading....and trying to keep up with the daily Meditations...but even that has gotten away from me.

You know, at times things are slowed and seem to be peaceful..but out there lurks the insanity that is just waiting to pounch on into my life. I just feel it sometimes. lol OK, I don't think I am really crazy...hhmmm... well, maybe a little cause why else would I be making choices that sabatage me in my goals. I mean geez, I know what to do, I know that I should be doing it, I know why I need to do it, but still make choices that go against following that path to reach those goals. What is my problem anyway?

I have remained sober, which has been a struggle lately, but not abstinent from the bad choices regaurding my eating and foods. So in a sense I have been trading one addiction for the other again. In the past year I have put back on the weight I had lost since coming here to SR.....I think mostly through this six months. I am so disappointed in myself and angry that I have allowed this to happen. I have made choices through this last year that have been ....well, not right ! These choices have left me wondering what kind of person does this make me???

I have been floating along here just trying to get through each day, wondering to myself...when is it that I am going to start...start taking care of what I need to, for me and the future. Why do I try to avoid stuff and think that it is going to better.

Recently I have met a new friend....well, I am hoping it will grow into a friendship....a long lasting one. Yes, he has peaked my interest. He has 15 yrs. sobriety and brings much excitement to a new outlook on life for me.

I will finish this later. I have to get ready for work....just saw the time..lol

[Pony]

Mrs. B...I have missed you. Thanks for replying here. I know in my heart that I am not a bad person, but I am a person with multiple issues that well, are not making my life any easier to deal with... You know? lol

thanks for the support, I know that I need to write more and share more in here....and it's not becasuse I haven't wanted to, but just having a rough time getting it out or just soing it. No excuses and every excuse... You know what I mean.

[Nina Kay]

Pony,
You're danged right, you're not a bad person !!!!! You are a special, loving and caring person. You are only human. Stop beating yourself up, when you make a mistake. It doesn't help. Really. It does hurt though. Start thinking of your past mistakes as learning experiences. Use your past as steps on the ladder to a better, happier you.

I do think that you're right about needing to write more and share more in here. The same goes for me too.

Maybe this new friend can help you with working your program in AA & OA too. Both 12-step programs. Those steps are just a pattern to use to dig deeper inside of ourselves, so that we can heal from the inside out.
((((((((((((Loving Friend Hugs))))))))))))))))))

[Nina Kay]

Hey Pony, How are ya doin' today?

[Pony]

Hey, pretty OK

This new friend of mine is really getting me motivated to do what I need to....and he doesn't even know it. LOL what I mean is that he isn't sitting there being a cheerleader trying to get me to do something for myself...he is just being himself and sharing things in his life past and present and, along with some other stuff that I have been going through, it's getting me back to thinking about the next right thing to do... You know?

[Nina Kay]

That sounds great !! I think I really like your new friend.

[Pony]

thanks, I think I really like my new friend too...lol

I am starting out again from the beginning as I did when I first came to SR in making changes in my daily food choices and exercise routine. I will be getting myself back into the gym, but I have to see where it will work into my schedule. My daughter's soccer pratices are just about over so we, she and I, will be getting back in there. I want to keep up her conditioning and get mine built back up again.

I have got to do this. I can't stand the fact that I cannot fit into my jeans..... the very same jeans that I wore only last winter. I won't go buy the bigger size....NOPE. I gave those size pants away at least 2 or 3 yrs. ago. I have been about the same size for a couple of winters, until now.

I know that losing my dad was very hard, but he would not want me to do this....to be this unhealthy. It's what made his life miserable and he wanted more for me.....and so should I. I have to stop slowly destroying myself and sabatoging a healthier life.

One day at a time...one moment at a time. Like right now. Here I am talking about doing something about making changes and all I want is to peak in the refrig. to see what there is to munch on. I just keep telling myself...there aint nottin there, cupboard is bare.

Thanks again Nina for checking in on me. You are a sweetheart.

[Nina Kay]

Pony,
I think that you are so smart to get your daughter in the habit of getting regular exercise and teaching her to take care of herself and her health while she is still a kid. Now that I'm older and my kids are already grown, I wish that I would've started a regular family routine of exercise together, so that I could've impressed upon them the importance of keeping fit, while they were young. But I didn't. We live and learn. We've just each got to do the best we can today, I guess.