I blew it

[criscee]

hi girls. I'm so unhappy with myself right now. I just got back from a party. My sponsor was having a party for her husband's 6th birthday. I helped. Let me tell you how much food was there. ahhh I don't think i need to tell you. God I tried so hard to just eat a little of this and that. I did that. but i felt so uncomfortable. I purged not once but frickin twice. I have so much trouble controlling it. Yesterday I hardly ate anything. I ate an egg and some potatoes. I wanted to get rid of it so badly. but i got a call from someone in crisis and my sponsor and I went on a 12 step call. by the time i had time to think about it the crisis, my crisis, had passed. but today it didn't quite go that way. i wasn't comfortable. i think it's going to be important for me for awhile NOT to put myself in a position like that again. If i'm not where there is a smorgasbord of food I won't have the opportunity to indulge like that. so i'm sharing cuz i dont' go to eating disorders anonymous. you guys are it right now. i'm sad and mad at myself but this too shall pass. hope you're having fun with your camera girlfriend and hope everyone had a better weekend than me. bye for now.

[Paulie]

Criscee -

(((Hugs to you my friend)))

Don't beat yourself up, today is a new day. You already have a solution, not to put yourself in that kind of position yet. did you talk to your sponsor about it? You should. I am doing step work around my food addiciton right now, have you thought about that?

Let me tell you what I did yesterday...actually it started Saturday. I was at the gym and I saw a woman who I remembered from like a year ago when i went consistantly for a few months. She looked Great!!! not a year ago, but Saturday, if you get my point. I was not happy for her instead I was mad at myself and felt bad about that. Then yesterday about 11 we go to breakfast with pauls brother, walk into the restaurant and there is someone else I know that has been working out for the last year or so, and she looks GREAT, again happy for her, NO, mad at myself, YES, and again I feel bad about that. This time I am not able to control my feeling mad and disappointed at myself. I ate a good pretty healthy breakfast, came home and hit the cookies. How is that for dealing with you feelings, pretty darn crummy!!!

This morning, I got out my pen and paper and I wote it all down,, I let it out and am letting it go. That is why I am telling you also, I have to take the power out of the way I feel.

You are doing great coming here at telling us about it, it helps to let it go. Lets both try and start the week out positive and not beating ourselves up over the weekend, k?

[criscee]

I'm going to try to do just that. So far today I've been pretty okay. I'm sitting here eating my salad for lunch. I did have a few chocolates. but not enough for me to freak out. I am trying to approach this eating thing in a 12 step manner. My sponsor knows my problem. We talk about it regularly. I didn't tell her yesterday. but i will. You're right about writing. I'll try to do that when i get done here. i have to take the power out of food period. pauline it's so hard. food has so much power over what i do and how i feel. drugs used to do that for me. I haven't been that route in 3 years. so anyway, each morning i pray for patience and relief from these addictions. ie food abuse and purge abuse. i have been blessed with relief from alcohol and drugs. i see no reason why my faith can't relieve me of this addiction as well. so on to a new day my friend. i sympathize with your feelings. i hate seeing someone who has had the stick-to-itv-ness to get themselves under control. so you stay away from the cookies and i will too. thanks for the support.

[Paulie]

(((criscee)))

It is about support and we can do this together. Although our disease is showing itself in different ways, it is alive and well in both of us.

I have been off drugs and drinking for 7 1/2 years. I understand what you are saying.

We can do this together, all of us supporting each other, that is why I come here and be so honest, just like you do. Keeping it inside will not help us get better.

[criscee]

i love being able to come here and talk honestly. i look forward to what is said. i am having a good day today. my boyfriend, Scott and I had a really good talk yesterday. we were talking about where we are going with this relationship. he said some things that made me feel very very good. i'm back on track, watching myself and praying for relief. we've had a bad car situation since last friday and i was a little stressed about that. but today i put it in god's hands and remember that i have no control over what happens outside my little circle. but i have control of what i do. so i'm a happy camper today. and today is the day that matters. love you. have a rockin good day girls.

[Paulie]

:kisshug:

you to my friend.