This is crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sleepdemon]

Can't believe this. Went to the Doctor today and despite my calorie watching and not throwing up and trying to be healthy I have gained 5 lbs.!!!! This is total bull!!! I'm sick of this!!!! My whole life I've been trying to be thin , to be littler than I am. You see, I am 6feet 2 inches tall. Have been taunted my whole life about my size---when I wasn't even fat!!! People made me think I was this huge freak so I started to puke! Now the puking thing has backfired and I really am fat, now. I refuse to even go out of the house because of the names I'm called. Why are people so mean??? I hate all this emphasis that is made on how a women is "supposed" to look. In this society I am a nothing because I'm a big fat giantess. Who cares that I have a great personality, right? I'm not a hottie so I'm a piece of ****. Can I please go live in the Outback?????

[firefly]

Hey sleepdemon,

Wow, an Amazon. Pretty cool. There's a lot of liturature, in several different cultures, that reveres women like you

From Merriam-Webster :
Main Entry: am·a·zon
Pronunciation: 'a-m&-"zän, -z&n
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin, from Greek AmazOn
Date: 14th century
1 capitalized : a member of a race of female warriors of Greek mythology
2 : a tall strong woman

I say, anyone that takes time to tell someone something negative ought to go look in the mirror, preferably, the internal mirror, to check out what is motivating them to be so ugly. I've seen many in the extream end of the ugly meter who were judged attractive by society's standards. Cruelty is the biggest form of ugly I know.

From what went on in the Dr.'s office, it sounds like congratulations are in order. It sounds to me like YOU were able to recover from a slip BEFORE it became a full blown relapse . I know you are angry and frustrated about not loosing weight. I'm not trying to make light of that. Weight loss will come as your body adjusts to your new healthy behaviors. One step at a time...

I spent the first 18 years of my life being called ugly every day. Before I became anorexic, I was "fat and ugly." Afterward, I was nicknamed "Rex" by the same hate mongers who'd called me fat. Home life was a nightmare of abuse that finally invovled state involvement when I was in fifth grade. At my parents' house, there were all kinds of negativity connected to food, including watching my sister being tied to a chair and force fed. When my mother did that, she'd usually throw all the food together, so juice mixed with cereal and milk would curdle and she'd pry open my sister's mouth and force it in there anyway. I avoided that particular torture by overeating, what was on my plate plus extra. I didn't tell anybody about this until I was in therapy, after I got out of the nightmare.


You are not alone. People are cruel.

People are also wonderful.

I'm glad you're here.

Peace, serenity and joy,

firefly

[sleepdemon]

Hey firefly... Yes, I know all about the Amazon's... Did a few reports on them in school because I was sick of people acting like being called one was a put down. Did it stop the taunting's? Ahh, no. You'd think I'd be over it by now considering I was this height in the 7th grade. Grew 8 inches in one year!!! Shortly after that I became bi-polar. I think it messed my body chemistry up or something. I haven't been the same since. What a bummer. Your childhood memories sound absolutely terrifying. Do you speak to your mom ever? Does she know what she's done to you? Glad you are able to talk about it in therapy. I still have many abuse issues that I refuse to talk about because it makes me a basketcase. Ewww. I don't even like to write that. Well, thanks for listening...Sleep Demon

[firefly]

Hey sleepdemon,

Getting over anything takes time. Especially painful memories. There's a saying I'm sure you've heard of, 'point a finger and you've got four more pointing back at you.' I grew up to realize that many of the people who taunted me were just as insecure as I was about their apearance, they just chose to be cruel about it. We deal with issues the best we can in the best way we can. How we are, how any human being is, comes about in layers, and, that's the only way we can change, one layer at a time. The underneath stuff is the hardest. Talking at a pace that suits you is the most important. True healing takes time.

My mother is mentally ill. Her illness masked my father's drinking. I don't speak at all to my biological family anymore. After many years, I finally REALLY understood that I did not cause the disfunction in my family and it was not my responcibility to fix it. I also understood that if I was ever fully to heal, I could not keep putting myself in an abusive environment, one where people refuse to use kind words, continue to degrade each other, and refuse to respect personal boundries or each other's physical space. Ironically, when I left, it took them three months to reach out at all, and, when they did, in a card forwarded to my new address, it wasn't to express concern over my being gone. I haven't lived in their house for 16 or 17 years; this was the final separation from an unhealthy situation.


Peace and serenity,

firefly

[Pray_Lady]

Wow, thanks for sharing, Firefly.

I didn't have any contact with my father for 11 years. That was really important to my recovery. Then last year I wrote to him, to let him know that I forgave him. Not forgave as in, "Come visit." I don't need to see him, and I won't let him ever see my children. But forgave as in, "I'm OK. I have healed, and I don't have to try to change you or the past anymore."

It was really freeing. It was important to me to do that while he was still alive. It was my last gift to him - and I gave it whether he chose to accept or refuse. He refused. He's still pretending that nothing happened. It's so sad. I pray for him sometimes.

I'm so glad that I don't have to live in that pretend world anymore, because anything real is too threatening, especially love! So there he is, all alone, guarding the dark cave castle that he's made and lives in, and I get to live out here in the sunshine with people who really know me and love me anyway.

I've got such a better deal, there's nothing left to be resentful about. (Of course, that's after years of therapy! :-)

Thankls again for sharing your story.

------------------
Peace,

Pray Lady