Have really messed up

[sleepdemon]

I'm so scared!!! Just when I thought I was doing so good... Have messed up for three days in a row. Haven't exercised or written down my calorie intake. Actually binged and purged yesterday after having abstained for weeks. It was so scary because it felt so familiar and like I had never stopped doing it. Have also been sleeping about 15 hours / day these past three days, too. Feel like I'm losing my grip. I feel like I'm never going to get better.

[firefly]

sleepdemon, Honey,

As scary as this may sound, relapse is part of the process. You've just said what's been going on. That's step one, owning your behavior. I'm wondering, because you didn't say, do you remember what happened the day before you purged ? the morning before ? the afternoon before ? the hour before ? Addiction has a way of sneaking in slowly, which is what it sounds like happened. One thing lead to another thing, lead to another thing...The best I can think of would be to look at what you were doing step by step. First,

slow down.

Take a breath.

It's okay. Y O U R okay, you've just hit a rough spot. It happens to all of us. That's why we're here. Behaviors, YOU have proven, you can change. You are dealing with a lot of stuff, not just food related stuff. I'm very proud of you that you've chosen to share, and not run. That in itself takes courage. This is also the first victory toward stoping the slip and getting back on track. Please be gentle with yourself.

Peace and serenity,

firefly

[sleepdemon]

Well, thanks so much Firefly...that's really nice of you to respond to my dilema. I've been trying to think what set me off and I believe it was going to my sister's house where I feel sad.(She's successful with sweet little babies and a nice hubby... and I know I won't ever have kids etc...) I also have not been out of the house for a few months and had to wear clothes that weren't of the sweat-pant type nature. My stomach is very distended... do you know if it will ever go away? I feel like I'm carrying around a cement block or something. Thank the Lord I am back on track again...Will try to exercise tomorrow if my stomach goes down some. How are you doing?? Didn't you say you've had major physical probs from all you e.d. fiasco's? Did they ever get better??

[firefly]

Hey sleepdemon,

I developed a chronic digestive disorder, primarily because, for two years straight, I had a work schedule that allowed for VERY little sleep ( sometimes two hours a night ) and lots of commuting. This behavior, workaholic, excessively driven, obsessive and disconnected from listening to my body, is behavior connected to my eating disorders. Subsequently, the digestive disorder has lead to bone deterioration in my jaws, tooth loss, as well as other things related to digestion, like going too much, not enough, use your imagination I am INFINATELY better than when I was first diagnosed. Bad days are rare. REALLY bad days are even rarer. It has become A PART of who I am, not who I am. It also has lead me, after many years, to be able to get to all the other things underneath binging, purging and starvation. We, you, me, and everyone here, are all more than the sum of our parts. Survival is possible. It's also very, very hard. I don't know what perfect is. I do know how it feels, finally, to feel good about me, more often than not.

Serenity,

firefly

Sleepdemon,

I can empathize with the scenario of you being at your sister's, the happy family scene, when you know that you cannot have children. Although that is not my situation, my sister-in-law has really struggled with that issue for the past few years, and we all have tried to help her deal with that pain. Sometimes she does not come to family functions because it saddens her to see us all with our children, when she knows she will never have one. There are four children on my husbands side. The SIL, that can't have children is the oldest and my husband is the youngest. She is the only one without kids. I have seen her cry because of this. I don't know what kind of help to give her to make it any better.

I was also wondering why your stomach is distended. I'm not trying to be rude, it sounds very uncomfortable. Is it due to a digestive problem, or water retention? I have experienced that kind of distention and bloating during my cycle time and it is very unpleasant.

Juls

[sleepdemon]

Hey Juls... Hey Firefly... txnks for the support/replys... I just love it when I get a response!!!! And Juls, as to my distended stomach... It's very weird. It's rock hard and very swollen. It happens whenever I eat something and doesn't go away until I have digested all the contents in my stomach. I believe I'm getting used to digestion again... also LOADED with gas... If I could only find a way to channel all that natural energy I would be rich!! Hee Hee!

I was having alot of problems with my stomach earlier this year. I started taking 150 mg of zantac 2x a day, and after three months I'm alot better. I don't have to take it regularly anymore. For awhile I couldn't eat hardly anything without feeling really sick, acid reflux, all this yucky stuff.

I hope you can find some relief.

Juls

[firefly]

Hey sleepdemon

You've probably thought of this already...If the thing with your stomach continues, you might want to check it with your Dr. Like one more thing to add, right ? Looking back, I think I ignored early symptoms & didn't seek help until things got extream. Like with Juls, it might be medication related. I hope you feel better

Peace,

firefly