Hello, My Name is BigSis and I am a compulsive overeater.

[BigSis]

I have just returned from a 3-day AA/OA/Alanon/NA/All-As conference for women. Talk about incredible changes....

This year, I think the workshops and meetings between the meetings stirred up more issues for me than last.

I didn't sleep at all Saturday night.... a sweet, loving woman with a snore that would wake Rip VanWinkle shared the room with me. My own "pissues" (as my sponsor calls them) kept me awake initially, but when I was finally able to stop some of the mind tapes.... that snore....oh my goodness, what a roar!

So, I'm home and have had at least a little nap..... very nice.

The funny thing is that it was a casual meeting about the lack of healthy recovery in a local OA meeting that caused me the most angst. Some of my closest double-winner friends and I were sitting together, and a couple more joined in after a bit... and the result is.... well, I think we are forming our own Overeaters Anonymous group.

And we are going to work specifically on the emotional issues behind our addiction to food and around our need to control food.

Talk about a God-shot. I was so not willing to look at this... but was so stressed by my weight that I was actively pursuing an investigation into weight loss surgery.

I've shared that I was surprised to find my dad the primary person on my (continuing) 4th step... and guess who is integral to my issues around food? Yeah, the old man.

And though I know that I am an alcoholic, and alanonic...I also see problems in areas of gambling, drugs and working. I've been open about those issues. But I wouldn't talk about my strugles with food... it is the one I don't talk about. The one around which I have so much shame. And food is my FIRST addiction... the first one I tried to control - back when I was 14 years old.

I've been successful with many food plans... Atkins, fasting, counting calories, counting carbs, and most often - with Weight Watchers. But in every case, about 6 months into the food plan, I plateau, and with a month or three, I am back to eating again. And feeling shame. And self-loathing.

Sitting there Saturday night with 6 women who love me and who see the "real me" I was as scared as I was when I was a kid, waiting for one of my parents to discover that I'd done something wrong and let me have it. That is a pretty big, pretty primal fear.

I don't want to fail again. But what I know is if I fall, it will be into the arms of those who love me best. And I may not fail because I feel I was lead to be exactly where I needed to be last night. Feel nervous and worried, but also lead to be there.

What kept me up was my trying soooo hard to remember things about my dad... to try desperately to find those hidden memories so I could work it out myself....so I wouldn't have to do this deal. That is the Alanon in me...working overtime to "fix" me... without asking for help.

But that isn't how it is going to work, it seems. It's looking like I will be doing this deal... and working through my addiction/conrtol issues around food.

It will be an interesting journey.... and I think I will post about it in this forum.

BigSis

[pmaslan]

What an inspiration you are!!!
Your weekend sounds wonderful expect for the snoring part....
Good luck on forming your own OE group.

[sugarssweetpea]

I am very interested in hearing more of your posts/story. About what is going on in your life. Welcome to this forum. It is nice to have you here to chat with. Food is for me my last as well as my first addiction (as early as 2nd grade as far as I can remember). I could not control how many popsicles I was going to eat & that is when I started thinking that I needed to be on a diet. I did not at that time. I am 5'9" & used to weigh 125-135. Not fat by any means. I now weigh 223. My highest weight was 271 when I was pg with my 1st son. My highest weigh not being pg is 249 which I was in January. I have a hard time making it past 2 weeks on any kind of lifestyle change. The weekends are also hard for me. Out of my normal routine makes it hard to stick to my eating routine. Anyway, enough about me. Glad to meet you.

[Pony]

Bigsis, it's great to see you here. Thanks for coming in and sharing with us your weekend. It will be wonderful to share in your journey here.

I think it is great that you are going to dig deeper into the emotional issues surrounding the food. That is where it is at when it comes to recovery. Getting at those core issues is not an easy journey but I will be glad to walk it with you.
I do believe that food is most of our first addictions.....because it starts in childhood.

lots of hugs

[BigSis]

Thanks for the welcome!

I am a big girl - 5' 11'' and just a shade under 300 lbs... not quite my highest, but very close.

I want to pick Weight Watchers for my food plan, because I have been successful (many times!) with that plan.

The struggle is not in losing weight - I can lost 40 or 50 pounds, generally. But at some point, I don't know if it is at a certain weight loss, or a certain amount of time (they occur about the same time); I lose focus. I lose enthusiasm.

But I think what is getting in the way is my inner belief about myself. I believe those memories of my dad calling me "lard ass" OR "fat ass" and asking me if I want to be as fat as my aunt D... his younger and only sister (who was and is obese).

His motives were good, but his methods were all he knew how to do. He really felt some fear about me not being good enough to be wanted .... which I felt and heard in many of his words.

Part of my problem is my darned repressive memory. I really, REALLY can only remember bits of things... for example, I remember being hit, but not "why" or any circumstances around it. I can remember his anger, but not the triggers.

My sister, on the other hand, has all the memories. She has so many, many details. I talked to her tonight on the phone and told her I might need to sit an talk to her some about difficult things. Then I explained what I was doing.

I told her I will need to journal and talk about incidences with dad... but that I can't remember the details. I don't want this to be difficult for her...and we have a 3 year age gap, so she won't have ALL the memories.... but right now, she is willing.

I hope I can remain so, too.

[Nina Kay]

Welcome to the Eating Disorders Forum, BigSis. I'm glad to see you here, but I'm sorry that you have a need to be here. I hope that you will come back here regularly and chart your progress. I have been going to Overeater's Anonymous for a while now, although not as regularly as I need to. I can always see a major positive difference when I attend meetings, read the literature and call my sponsor regularly, but when I start slacking in those areas, I always start having a backset with my eating disorder, which I am witnessing again lately. My daughter's Mother-in-law is doing Weight Watcher's and has lost a whole lot of weight the last few months. She is looking really good. I do know that you have the right idea about working on the core issues of your problem. Again Welcome.