Nothing to say...and everything to say...lol

[Pony]

Ever felt at a loss for words. Well, I kind of feel that way. Not that I don't have anything to say....so much goes on in my daily life, especially lately, that I can't get here to post and then when I can...it seems that I have too much to say that I don't even know where to begin. Then I start thinking...why say anything...no one is going to be interested in my rambling on about nothing...(the same ole' things) going on day after day.

Right now I am still struggling fincially, although I am still better off then I was last month, I am praying that the end of the month comes quicker than it seems like it is going to.

In my job I have periods where I am sitting waiting on the students to come out and get on the bus...so it gives me that alone time to do thinking. There are so many thoughts running through my head....it can be overwhelming. Thoughts of what I have done with my life, of what I need to do with my life, how to go about it and this and that about family and friends and so on. You get the picture. When I first started my recovery I was so good about writing things down (journaling) and taking those steps necessary to work through issues and putting into action a plan and moving forward. Now, I wonder...."what is wrong with me?" "why, am I not doing these things anymore?" .... my answer... I don't know !! sad huh.

I want to be healthy. I know that when I am doing what I need to do for that to be a reality and not just a dream, I feel good about "me"... so why? Why am I not following through? Now, I am not looking for you all to answer this...lol...I am looking for the answer within me, I am just talking here. I have been around long enought to know all the cliche' answers.... "nothing changes, if nothing changes..." and " when you are ready to do something you will" and stuff like that. I have/had been ready to do... I was doing.....and making progress. Now, I have slipped back into existing...just existing and maintaining that existance. Does that make sense? I feel like that I have let down those that have been suporting me....as well as myself. I am not a good example to my daughter, who seems to be currantly putting on weight. I know that is not all me....I try to get accross to her father, who buys her food, and allows her too many snacks that her eating habits are not good, but who's going to listen to a fat slob, who can't seem to live what she preaches. You know? (That is his attitude about me) No I try not to listen to it and let it affect me, but on some level it still does. Not just in how I think of myself, but in what I feel others preceive me as well.

I was talking the other night with one of the other drivers I was working a late night field trip with, and we were discussing working and stuff. I telling her how I felt that I always feel like I have to prove myself not to be just another lazy fat person, because I feel (and have been told) that people look at me and think that I am just lazy...that is why I am so overweight. Sometimes I get to that I am constantly on the go, never stopping to really rest, because I don't want that lable put on me. I don't want people to say that I don't work just as hard as the next person. And then there is my kid and my mother to keep up with. I don't ask for help because I don't want other to think that I can't so things for myself or that I can't handle it. I know it probably sounds silly to be this way.

Rambling....where is this post going....??? LOL.. have no idea, just sharing parts of what I have been thinking and going through at the moment. This will probably be an ongoing thread for me. If you feel like participating on it feel free. I just ran out of thoughts....got distracted by a phone call. One of my daughter's is coming over to use the computer for a bit before her area meeting and then I am going to be watching my little g-daughter whiel they go....so my mind wandered onto that.

Back later to check in and whatever....

Thanks for reading this...so far.

[aasharon90]

Hi Pony, Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

Nice to meet you and thanks for sharing.

SR is a good place to come and vent. I dont know ur story and this is the first time to read something uve shared. But from the number under ur name it looks like u share quite often here.

You know ur not alone here in SR as so many are dealing with many different issues in their own personal lives.... Im no exception.

We just share with each other our own experiences strengths and hopes to support each other as we continue on in our individual recovery journeys.

Not only am I sober but i also have many other issues i have to work on, on a daily bases. Eating properly is one of them. Im not over weight and im not a twig. But being born into an italian family we learn how to eat like Italians do. I know that at my age i cant eat like that anymore. So i have over the yrs had to change my eating habits....i dont know if its really right, but im trying to keep things simple enough to manage it.

I use to watch Dr. Phil back then and picked up a few pointers about eating right....and I know he had books out there that have helped many to manage and maintain their eating habits.....I heard him say...if its not in ur home then u wont eat it....and so when it comes to chips and candy ...i try not to buy them because i still hear those words Dr. Phil said....and its true....if i have those favorite chips i love so much...no i wont eat just one but ill eat the whole bag.....and i know im weak ...so i pass them up when i go shopping.

Ive also begun jogging....i use to walk and now im jogging....i really dont know what happened to me there but something inside me inspired me to take care of myself physically. Not that i dont do that already at my grocery store job where i bag groceries and pick up carts from the lot.

Anyway....i found a nearby park that has a 2 mile track that winds around....i began to just walk. and i walk and walk....then my daughter..19 joined me and inspired me to pick up the pace....i did my best and before i knew it ...when i was alone i began to jog...im not a fast jogger.....sort of like jogging in place but i make it around 2 miles most times.....

I know u said u are always moving...well so am i....but sometimes doing something different in moving helps....

I know between Dr. Phil and oh whats his name? Hes the little guy whom all the older ladies like...sweating to the oldies guy.... lol they have helped alot of people over the yrs and even Oprah....How inspirational is that for her....she has an inspiring story she tells about her childhood and how she has over come many obsticals....so there r the stars that have personal problems just like us who inspire us just the same.

I know they all move...move meaning they get out and walk, jog, aerobics...swimming...anything...and it makes u feel good....hard work does pay off..but it can be fun if u have someone to support u.

anyway...i just wanted to introduce myself to u and to let u know that u r not alone.

Keep coming back. : )

[Pony]

Thanks Sharon for you reply. Yeah, I guess you could say that I have been around here for a while, but given that this is the first that you have read that I have shared (I also notice that you have been here for some time) doesn't say much for my quantity of sharing. What I mean is that it just tels me that I don't share enough...and I don't get out of here (this forum) enough for others to know me. Something to think about.

Nope, I am not alone.....that is the best thing about SR is knowing that I am not alone in any of this. Although I do feel alone many times as I am sure most do.

I am sorry, I got distracted again by things going on here at home and lost my whole train of thought .... that is what happens often and then I just don't write anything....thus my lack of sharing anything more that might be in my head. Very frustrating. I guess I will have to try again later.

but anyway, thanks for replying. It helps to know that there is someone who cares enough to let me know that they are listening....not just reading.

[Nina Kay]

Hi Pony,
I'm really listening and not just reading. I love it when you post your thoughts. Even when you lose your train of thought. LOL !!! I particularly loved reading your post today, since I am in a down mood today. I was really upset about several things last night and I ate too many chips and it was 3:00 in the morning and then I didn't go to bed until 4:00. I then couldn't sleep well and those chips just lay in my stomach and swelled. Needless to say, I feel awful today. I just can't believe that I did that to myself. I was doing so good with my eating for such a long while now. That's the first break in my abstinence from compulsive eating that I've had in several months. At least in wasn't sweets and I didn't eat the whole bag or anything. It's not even really that I ate all that much of them. It's just that I ate them because I was upset and I ate them in the middle of the night and then I went to bed just one hour later. They weren't even digested yet. Can you all tell that I really feel cranky today?! (whata joke) I feel really crabby !!!
And I was feeling so doggone good before this.
I guess I'll start over today. DAY 1 of my abstinence from compulsive overeating: Sept. 10, 2006.
Thanks Pony, for sharing your thread and letting me vent on here too. I couldn't post without venting because I'm not in a good place today, physically or mentally. Please keep posting and I'll try to also and I hope that Sharon will too. Will you Sharon? All that you said to Pony was very encouraging and understanding and I appreciated it too.
((((((((((((((((HUGS for both of you))))))))))))))))))

[BigSis]

Hi Pony!

I found your train...




I love that you have some time each day without having to deal with others... why not use a minute of it each day to just stand and "listen" for HP? Thirty seconds might be difficult at first... but I've heard of excellent results with practice.

"heard of" because I haven't made it beyond 30 seconds myself! (yet).

Keep posting..

[Nina Kay]

Big Sis,
I loved that "Train of Thought" and the caption printed on the picture. So Cool and So True. I can remember it this way. LOL !!!!

[Pony]

Thanks Bigsis....I love it. and need it!!!! lol

Nina, I know that I can always count on you to listen to me. You are a wonderful person. I am sorry that you are having some struggles right now. I can sure relate to the midnight snack that just sits there...not to mention the guilt that always follows the snacking frenzy. It's like....I know better, what's wrong with me...I ask. You know?

My food lately had been all over the place. Like today...I did good this morning and made some sugar free cinnamon buns..at about 8 am and then just now....4 pm is the next time I have eaten. I didn't eat all day. I meant to, but didn't. And then I am starving and want everything in sight. Then other days I am grazing all day. I do most of this without really thinking about it until something triggers that light bulb in my head that says....what are you doing??? I know I need to start being aware every day and make more conscious choices. I know this sitting right here writing it.....but tomorrow....will I act on it??? I hope so!! lol That's what I mean about what I have been doing lately...or not doing.

[aasharon90]

Phony, Sharon here. Do u bake alot? or do u have to bake? Have you been battling eating problems for most of ur life like i have? There is a man i work with at my HEB grocery store that is Diabetic. He is the closest person ive been to as far as working with managing health problems and having had to change his eating habits. Diabetics cant have sugar. So i figure when i work with him i have seen the discilpine he has had to endure just to stay healthy....but then he's angry all the time and stressed to the max. He was a single man for most his life up until 4 yrs ago....so he got married much later in life...... in his 50's.

Anyway....Have you ever seen the Dr. Phil Show on tv in the afternoon?

[aasharon90]

Pony, i just looked at my post and normally i will go back and fix any grammatical erors i have made....you know what? I misspelled ur name....im so sorry....i will try to be more cautious in how i spell....Pony is a good name....not phoney or phony...that doesnt sound kind at all.....but i assure u that i didnt write that or mean that when i was posting to u. Hope u can accept my apology. : )

[Pony]

Originally Posted by aasharon90

Pony, i just looked at my post and normally i will go back and fix any grammatical erors i have made....you know what? I misspelled ur name....im so sorry....i will try to be more cautious in how i spell....Pony is a good name....not phoney or phony...that doesnt sound kind at all.....but i assure u that i didnt write that or mean that when i was posting to u. Hope u can accept my apology. : )

Not to worry Sharon..... I had already figured that it was a typed error....or that was the way I was going to look at it anyway...lol
Let me tell you if it weren't the the back key, I would be in a world of hurt with typing errors.....even after taking typing classes in high school.

I appreciate your caring to apologize, but really not apology necessary....no harm done!!!

[Pony]

Now to answer your post....


No, don't bake that often....I used to bake during the holidays, and sometimes still do, but mostly I just don't find that kind of time. I barely really cook. I make easy meals !! LOL not always the most healthiest doing that, but cooking for 1 can get boring.

I am not a diabetic as of yet. My Dr. watches me pretty close as I do have it on both sides of my family. I am currantly dealing with my mom's diabeties....she just went to using insulin shots, and she is getting ready to have the lap banding done....I think that's what they call it, because she needs to get the weight off faster than doing it the normal way. For med. reasons. Me, I am going about it the hard way...lol...with making changes in my food and lifestyle. It comes off slower that way, but will hopefully learn to keep it off. For me it has been a life long process, because I have been working at this most of my life. I have had success, but then I get distracted with life and issues and well, sabatage myself right back to the beginning. Well, not quite all the way back.....this go round I have only gained a small amount.

I know what I need to do. I know the foods I should eat and the routine I should be on.....it's just doing it that I fall short on. My own doing....to myself. That's what I get so mad at....ME.

I hope that I don't come off as a cranky or angry all the time....????...I am basically OK and try to be an upbeat person. It might come off that way here because this is my place to vent and let out all those deep feelings that I generally keep away from the rest of the world.

As for your friend, sounds alot like my mother. She gets angry also over how she has to live now. But she is also scared.....mostly of what will happen next...or of the side effects of the medications...and also not being in comtrol of what is going on with her own body. It would be very difficult if she were to become incapacitated (sp?) from any of this. Also there are many mood swings associated with diabetics because the sugar/insulin highs and lows.

NO, I don't watch Dr. Phill...I am working at the time. I have heard of and about. He does have some good ideas, but I don't think I have agreed with all that I have heard from his views on certain matters.

[Nina Kay]

I hope that I don't come off as a cranky or angry all the time....????...I am basically OK and try to be an upbeat person. It might come off that way here because this is my place to vent and let out all those deep feelings that I generally keep away from the rest of the world.

Now Pony, There is no way that you ever come off as cranky or angry. I can tell by your posts that you are an upbeat person. You don't even vent much. I would love if you would come here to vent more often. I like feeling like we're having some normal close friend conversations.
Now yesterday, I was REALLY cranky, but today I feel so so much better again. I guess that I got a couple of the lessons, that I've learned in the past few months, reinforced by being reminded of how awful the alternative is. Maybe it'll stick with me for a while longer this time. We people with addictive behaviors also have the shortest memory too. We seem to quickly forget how much pain our bad choices cause and we just have to try it again.
It's just so unreal.

[Pony]

You know, it's funny that you say that Nina...by the way {{thanks}}....but I really don't feel that upbeat these days. Not angry, or cranky really but just tired !!! I just had a physical and the Dr. said I have good, but yet it I just don't have energy. Not for work and not for home. I don't feel like I am particulary depressed...just tired. I know I am not sleeping very well the past few nights. My body has been one big ache this week and I'm not sure why. My asthma has been giving me alot of trouble the past couple of weeks..and in the past few days I have been having even more trouble breathing. My med.s didn't seem to be doing the whole job. Some but not the whole way. last night I felt as if I just couldn't get the air in and that my chest was crushing in. I haven't been doing any extra physical activity because of it. I thought if I didn't feel better today, I was going to call the Dr. and go in. but I woke up this morning feeling about 60 % better...no pains in my chest anyways. So went to work. I am still doing Ok, but the chest is a little tighter tonight. I will probably have some coffee and see if that will help. If not it will at least taste good...LOL

Becasue I wasn't reallyh feeling good yesterday, I didn't really eat to much....just didn't have the energy to. But I did eat today. I did get in three meals....and I didn't even snack.... yet! lol I have been drinking lots and lots of water and only had about 2 soda's. That's pretty good for me.

Anyways, the venting part....today on my bus I was listening to a few of the teenage boys chatting about some girl they all knew in the school. Now this is middle school age. not really talking bad like mean, except that from my oint of view it feels mean, but just talking as most teen boys of that age do. Just voicing their opinions. There comments were to the effect of..." yeah, she used to be soooooo pretty, but then she gained weight....now she fat and ugly..... What's up with that" ... they were saying. It's like even at that age, which is where it started for me also, guys are so fixed on having the perfect babe on their arm.....yet to look at one of the boys that was saying these comments....he was overweight himself. I wanted to say something so much to them, but I refrained. First I didn't want it to sound defensive, two I didn't want to fuel anything that might get a parent upset..lol... and three, they probably wouldn't have listened to me anyway, as overweight as I am.

I sure feel for the poor girl that they were talking about. She wasn't anyone on the bus. But I have noticed that they are lots of overweight girls starting at this age and it only gets worse. I truely wish there were something that could reach these girls before they get older.