divorce caused by gambling

[DaveR]

Hi everyone,
I've been battling with my wifes gambling for several years
now and I made the decision on june 19th to seperate for a while after she told me she would not stop as long as we were together. In the past when ever we would have a big arguement over her gambling she would kick me out of the house and tell me I was the reason for her gambling, within a week we would be back together because I would say I'm sorry and beleive that I was the cause. This time about a week later she became verrry angry with me and now wants a divorce and yes she is still gambling.

The last six months had been getting worse with her gambling as she would spend her whole paycheck in 2 or 3 nights at the casino knowing that we needed the money to pay bills that were severely late on. She even lost her job of 7 years and that didn't stop her from gambling away the income I was making to feed our 4 children and try to pay bills. Even after getting a new job , I have seen very little if any of her income to pay bills. She says shes tired of my nagging her about our finances and says our marriage has been over for a while. This really hurts because she has told me in the past to do what I had to do stop her from gambling and that she wouldn't leave me.

I LOVE my wife and kids very much but I feel like I'm trying to stop the inevitable. I've always beleived that she would one day get help and that all we've been through would be worth it to save our relationship. Sadly, divorce is all she wants and is probably the best for the both of us as I've played the enabler for to long.

Fast forward to today, currently waiting to be served D papers. Wife still doesn't want any thing to do with me and she is still gambling , although not as often . Maybe once a week. She is trying to prove a point to me that she can stop.

Her family is going to suport her by helping pay the mortgage and has given her the funds to hire a lawyer. She will never fall to her bottom as long as they are helping her.

I can't believe I'm losing my family.

Thanks for reading my story.



If interested , I have a thread going over on marriagebuilders.com under emotional needs, under same thread name.

[foregoodreasons]

DaveR,

It's MrAlias. Thanks so much for taking the time to try my advice.

I tried to stir up some support for you here on this website. It appears this section is pretty slow.

The fine folks here suggest you come visit them in the Family and Friends of Alcoholics section on this website. They can help you in ways you can't imagine. That is where I've spent most of my time. I have a BIL who is an alcoholic.

They are really great folks. Addicts and family, friends of addicts all post there.

Remember addicts are very similar in a lot of ways.

Here is a link to take you there.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

[foregoodreasons]

Oh and if you feel a little weird posting to an alcoholics section then try the Newcomers section.

That may get you started in the right direction.

Good luck Dave.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/

[best]

Many reasons why people say they drink or gamble are the same and many of the solutions for each are the same as well. I know that drinking added to the desire to gamble or took away my resistance to say no.
Read the posts that say "sticky" beside them that are located at the top of each forum.
Where it says alcohol or drugs (depending upon what sticky you read) in your thought replace that with gambling and you may find many answers.

[parentrecovers]

nice to meet you, daver. i'm a mom of a recovering alcoholic/addict. i go to alanon. there are family members at my meetings who deal with loved one's gambling addiction. you might want to give a meeting a try? keep posting, and blessings, k

[minnie]

Hi Dave!!!

Sounds like a real crappy situation you are in. You know, it doesn't matter whether it is gambling, drink, drugs, sex, whatever, the impact on the spouse and family is uncannily similar.

This section is a little slow - maybe you can have a look at the Friends and Family boards and substitute the word drinking for gambling. I am pretty sure you can relate.

She has told you that she won't stop and I suggest that you take that as her truth. How you deal with it is the really hard part and I hope you can find some comfort in the resources on the other boards, particularly the Friends and Family ones.

((((hugs))))

[rozied]

My 1st husband was a compulsive gambler. I divorced him after 10 yrs of trying to make it work. That was over 30 yrs ago. I had not heard from him for all that time until about 2 mts ago. He told me he went from gambling to drugs but now has been clean & sober for 5 yrs this Sept. He is now 62 yrs old.
I am sorry you are going through this. Any adiction as Dr Phil says is a " deal breaker "


Wishing you the best of luck,
Diane

[rafe]

Thats got to be hard. But i think she does'nt want you around because you interfered with her gambling.She is probaly full of guilt ,shame and anger just to name a few. But you have to take care of yourself frist and i think your taking a good step to do that. Now find a good support group that you can go to and learn to live again. God Bless you

[SaTiT]

I never went gambling until I had over 7 years clean and sober.
My gf never went gambling until i took her.

It started off just like anything else. Just having fun and casino
was opening up all around us. So we went and check it out.
We had dinner won $20 bucks and left.

Three years later i was dumping $500 a weekend.
On a good weekend we'll lose a couple of grand.
I belived i paid for a section of the casino to be redone.

I struggled for years to stop my own demons. My GF just kept
on going and going and bascially our lives and relationship got
destroyed and we still havn't recovered from all of the wreackage.
I struggle with my gf gambling becuase i felt guilty for taking her.

There's were alot of reasons why we ended up gambling. i can piont
to a specific time and reasons why we both wanted to run or cope with
our pain. My gf has lost our twins in a middle of a pregnacy and her
father had just pass, all with in a couple of weeks.

I finally ended up relapsing into drinking again after three years of
gambling. it was the life style we both we're living.
My excuse for gambling is. i felt angery at god for taken our children
away...again. i couldn't process my pain so i ran or numb out gambling.
I also felt powerless over my life and no amount of money could take
away my pain. So bascailly, I felt like i was in control, even if it ment
gambling it away. but for the most part i was numb.

The short unpersonal version would be i wouldn't accept life on life's terms.

I have my definition of what addiction is....I have it.
I have my definition of what codependency is too...I have that too.

I'm clean and sober, and no gambling today and so is my gf.

We had to seperate so many times becuase i was going crazy and
getting sicker and sicker. i had to hit my bottom with alcohol,
i hit my bottom with gamlbing then i hit my bottom with codependency.
i guess it dosen't have to happen in that particular order, but
it happened like that for me.

There's no GA in my area but any 12 steps programs works.
I guess it's the principle of addictions..or the ism.

As long as I'm honest...becuase i wasn't open or willing

[NewDay2007]

Hi Dave,

I know what you are going through. I too live with a CG Compulsive Gambler. It like all addictions is a terrible downward spiral that destroys families and finances very quickly.

I would recommend that you get yourself to a Gam-anon meeting as soon as possible. It is a wonderful place where you will get understanding and support. They will understand exactly what you are going through and can help make life better for you. I also use a Yahoo message board that is fantastic. The group name is gamanonsupportgroup. There is recovery, support and a life for you. You aren't alone.

I also recommend you read read read and learn as much as you can about addiction and the issues related to it. There isn't a huge amount of info out there regarding Gambling Addiction but there is beginning to be more with the advent of internet gambling and more casinos opening in practically every state in the US.

Your wife needs to deal with her addiction herself. It is her problem. You Didn't Cause it, You Can't Control it and you Can't Cure it. You can only take care of your self as hard as that may seem to you. Like all addictions it takes 100% dedication to recovery in order to recover. The only one you can help is yourself.

If you haven't already done so take immediate measures to seperate your finances and protect yours.

Let me know how it's going for you.

~hugs and healing

[NewDay2007]

Originally Posted by foregoodreasons

DaveR,

It's MrAlias. Thanks so much for taking the time to try my advice.

I tried to stir up some support for you here on this website. It appears this section is pretty slow.

The fine folks here suggest you come visit them in the Family and Friends of Alcoholics section on this website. They can help you in ways you can't imagine. That is where I've spent most of my time. I have a BIL who is an alcoholic.

They are really great folks. Addicts and family, friends of addicts all post there.

Remember addicts are very similar in a lot of ways.

Here is a link to take you there.

I know that this section is slow now, but I think it will really start picking up.

Gambling Addiction is fast becoming a very large problem. With internet gambling and casinos opening in almost all the states in the US. I think you will see more activity coming here (sadly for the addiction increase).

There aren't alot of gambling help message boards out there yet so every one helps

I hope to see more people here supporting each other.

~hugs and healing

[BayouSelf]

I live in a fairly small town in Louisiana and I am finding that we are beginning to have many friends and family members who are being helped in our Alanon meetings. Sometimes its just hard to find Gamanon, so just wanted to throw that in.

[DaveR]

Hey Everyone,

I thought I would give an update on my situation.

Well, the divorce decree is ready to be sighned but I've been dragging my feet lately as my wife has been suprisingly nice to me for the last 3 weeks or so. She even called me at work and asked to have coffee with her later that night. The coffee meeting tuned into having a dinner and talking and laughing like we used to. After dinner, in the parking lot as we getting ready to say goodbye, I told her that I really enjoyed seeing her again and that I miss her even though we can't live together.

She said that she was starting to miss me and that is all she said other than asking if I would buy groceries, put gas in her car and buy her cigs. At that moment
I knew I was being played again. The night before she asked me to meet her she was at the casino , so I thought maybe she was ready to admit her addiction but I was wrong.

Yesterday was her birthday, so I had taken the kids to the store on saturday to buy her a card and gift from the kids. I even had flowers sent to her work on friday to cheer her up and to let her know I was thinking about her. I received a thank you call from her on saturday morning along with her also asking for more money saying she didn't get her child support. I know I shouldn't give her cash and I have not for quite a while but she said she needed groceries and couldn't wait for me to get off of work.

Jump back to this morning and I'm getting a call at 5:30 am asking for me to put gas in her car. I agreed to meet her at the gas station and pay for the gas. While talking to her she asked me if I would borrow her $165.00 until friday. I asked why she needed the money and she said she couldn't tell but she needed it asap to pay someone. She said she hated to ask me but she had no one else to turn too.

Against my better judgement, I gave her $100.00 because thats all I had left until payday. Even though I go to gam-anon meetings, have read" co-dependent no more" and have tried to be strong enough to let go, I can't. It's so hard to watch someone you care about struggle with such a terrable addiction and not be able to help. I keep trying to tell myself that I don't need her and that I'll be better off without her but even after 4 months of sepperation I still very much LOVE her.

I know I need to move on with the divorce even though she hasn't mentioned it in over a month but I'm sure I still drag my feet for while. I keep giving my attorney reasons like I have to work late or I'm reaaly busy at work to keep from driving over to sign papers. I sure I not the only one that has had second and third thoughts.

I have more to say but I need to get to work so thanks everyone for your kind words. HUGS to everyone.
Thanks , Dave

[best]

Originally Posted by DaveR

... have tried to be strong enough to let go, I can't. It's so hard to watch someone you care about struggle with such a terrable addiction and not be able to help....

I didn't like seeing my daughter cry when I would bring her to the Dr on days that she would get a shot. It hurts to watch a baby girl cry from the needle pain.
I had to let go of my own emotions in such a time because I didn't want my daughter to get sick.

Letting go is the same medicine. We need to let go so they can get better.

[timada]

Sorry to hear your stuck in such a bad situation DaveR. It’s a real shame she wouldn’t stop divorce if only for the kids. It sounds like there is a chance she might change. Although her addiction appears very selfish to me. Best of luck and I hope the kids are doing well.