Need Advice: What has happened within two months time.

[ravenbaby]

The other day I logged on to my girlfriend and I's bank account. I was surprised to see that one of the accounts was heavily overdrawn. I brought up the account and noticed that there was a lot of account transfers, bank ATM withdrawal's, deposits, and ATM withdrawal's from one bar located only blocks from my girlfriends work.

Both the accounts were a CPA's worst nightmare! At one point $300.00 was deposited via teller inside the bank and five minutes later at the ATM right outside the bank door $200.00 of the said $300.00 was withdrawn. Both accounts have numerous posts like this.

As it turned out, On the 15th of May, my girlfriend discovered this little bar. She went there everyday after work for the last month and a half - telling me that the train home was messing up or she was kept longer at work to finish up a necessary job (salaried employee). Portland transit has been rated the best in the US so when something happens that slows the train, it makes the news because the only thing that slows the train is ice and when a collision happens with the train.

The bar she frequented is in a business district and unless you heard about it from word of mouth you would never know it existed. It does lunch business but is dead in the evenings, so much so that they do not open on the weekends.

After a few nights sitting drinking she is bored and decides to play a poker machine. She wins a bit and begins playing every time she goes.

She starts to tell me that she withdrew money from our accounts to keep at work in her desk. I didn't think anything about it and I did not until I saw the overdraft on what I thought was our "dead" account; the account we never use unless we need to write a check for something, which does not happen often because I pay all bills online.

This is what happened:

She began transferring funds out of the active into the dead account so I would not notice. She would use this dead account to utilize the ATM at the bar to gamble. In June, she never came home before 6 in the evening. At first it was 7:00pm, then 8:00pm, then 9:00pm. Yes, i noticed that this was odd and that certainly the train and work could not be keeping her late every single night as she said it did.

On June 29th,2007 (payday) she did not arrive home until 1:45am (Saturday morning). She was drunk and blamed me for everything that had gone wrong in her life. Little did I know that I was about to find out the real reason for her behavior in the last month and a half on July 6th, 2007.

July 6th, 2007 was the day I checked the bank accounts and saw 5 web pages of transfers, withdrawal's, and deposit. There was also a couple of checks that had bounced.

The checks were from payday loan businesses in the amount of $200.00 each. Of course she lied about this and the date she had gotten them; claiming they were only for $50.00 and were done before the 15th of June though the receipt for the last one was dated June 20th. and the other receipt was for another payday loan from a different business that she walked in on the 29th of June and paid for rather than letting the check hit the account (i found this receipt yesterday).

From June 1st to June 15th she spent $500.00 on gambling. From June 15th to June 29th she spent $800.00 on gambling. On June 29th and on July 2nd and 3rd, she spent $2300.00 on gambling. Putting us (two kids and ourselves) in the hole in a matter of 9 hours spent gambling.

Yesterday she said she had put the rent money back into the account on the 5th of July but it still has not reached the account as of yet (though because of all the erratic account activity and overdraft the bank can hold the deposit up to 11 days). She claims she can not find and has lost the deposit slip for the rent money. We checked her desk at work for the deposit slip, her wallet, and when we got home I checked her laptop bag.......

Inside the bag I found 2 pawn tickets for 2 separate laptops, both dated for the 3rd of July, 2007. Each was for the amount of $150.00. One of the laptops she stole from her employer and the other she stole from the bar she goes to. Another gambler had gotten up to go and get a drink from the bar and left their computer bag sitting by the machines and she walked out of the bar with it while they were absent. On this Tuesday, the 3rd of July, she also withdrew our last $200.00 from the two separate accounts from the bar and then quickly ran to our bank branch ATM and pulled out the same $200.00 minutes later before the

I confronted her at her work on July 6th in her office after she returned from attempting to get yet another payday loan (they refused because of the overdrafts to the accounts). She knew I had caught her but still did not come clean and kept up many of the lies until last night when I found the pawn tickets. in the last month and half she has become a shadow of the person and mother I knew. She has begun lying, can not remember what she said, how much she spent, took days off work to gamble, would come home and scream at me and the children, began to steal, and totally messed up the bank accounting and balancing. (I tried and failed twice already and will probably have to go to a CPA to have it done.) She has over-drafted us over a $1000.00.

She has given up all her ATM cards, tore up her checkbook and because of the stealing I will be taking the children down to a fountain near her work during the warm weather, so we can take her by the proverbial hand and walk her home because she cannot stop and knows this.

What do you think? What can I do? How the hell did this happen to us? I feel like crying when I think about this. Here I always thought I was the irresponsible one only with my own drinking. Cripes, I feel like I'm at my wits end!

I had to cancel the rent check and still have not been able to bring myself to tell the landlord that I can not pay him until the 13th of July and maybe not even then. I don't know how I will feed the children for the last 2 weeks of the month. I work but because of a former employee my brother and I's business was sued and we settled out of court for $150,000 and we are still paying that off so we don't make much profit at all and haven't for the last year.

[ravenbaby]

Yesterday she admitted to spending the rent money as well. In total, within the few short hours she spent gambling, she spent $2,350+.

Account activity has stopped (thank God).

The lies still continue - the bar she went to gamble at has free wireless internet and I received emails and instant messages from her at the times she was at the bar. Her laptop has a built in wi-fi Ethernet card and the machines have medium height tables next to them.

I called the landlord and told him what was going on; luckily he knows all about gambling addiction from his sister who is a compulsive gambler. Though his bank cleared the check my girlfriend had given him for rent, I stopped payment on the check through my own bank. I do not need another check bouncing and causing a fee at both ends.

What do you do when you lose all trust in the person you trusted with your life?

[star444]

I am a compulsive gambler and could easily feel myself walking in your girlfriends shoes. She will need help to get the problem under control.

I would suggest you check the Gamblers Anonymous meeting directory and find some meetings near you. You mentioned "Portland" in your post and I'm assuming you meant Portland, Oregon. If so, I checked the list and it looks like there are several meetings available. I am not allowed to post any links, but if you go to Google and search for "gamblers anonymous meeting directory" you will find the link.

I would also encourage you to go to GAM-ANON meetings. (Meetings for family and friends of compulsive gamblers.) Again, just Google search for "gamblers anonymous" and find the "Gambler Anonymous Official Home Page" link. At the bottom of that home page theres a link to "Gam-Anon". Check both lists and you may find meetings for both at the same time and location (just different rooms). This works well for my husband and I; I attend the GA meeting and he attends the GAM-ANON meeting at the same time.

You may also want to consider having her visit a psychiatrist for evaluation. Depression may become a problem for her now as well.

Also, if she is currently taking any medication, please have her doctor review to see if it may, in any way, feed her compulsive behavior. I know that sounds weird, but just this week I found out the the medication I take for Restless Leg Syndrome can be a trigger for compulsive gambling. There are lawsuits underway against the manufacturer because they knew about the potential 10 years ago but did not warn against it. I started taking the medication in 2002 and began compulsive gambling in 2002! I have a doctor appointment later today to get my medication changed. I am hoping, praying, that stopping the medication will make it easier for me to stay away from gambling.

I contacted a help line and received some literature that talks about “Women who Gamble.” Following is an excerpt about women gamblers:

“Typically, gambling begins as a recreational activity often encouraged by friends or family members. Feelings of euphoria come with winning, or feelings of escape come with the “zoning out” experience while gambling. The desire to continue these feelings begins the four-stage cycle of compulsive gambling.”

“In the FIRST STAGE, women conceal minor financial troubles by borrowing from family or friends.”

“During the SECOND STAGE, lying becomes a way of life. Women camouflage their gambling by telling lies about their activities. To cover their tracks, they may say they are working late or visiting friends for long talks.”

“Disaster hits during the THIRD STAGE. Increased financial losses result in bill collectors, relationship losses, job loss or criminal acts”

“In the FINAL STAGE”, mounting crises from continued gambling result in either incarceration, contemplation of suicide, or suicide itself.”

I'm sorry for your pain. I know I have put my husband through much of the same hell. Please check into the meetings. Even if she won't go, you should go to the GAM-ANON meetings to help you cope, and learn from others who have been in your shoes.