Struggling

[ndgrace]

I am so greatful to find this site. I had 2 years sobriety and then 1 1/2 years ago my husband and I decided to let me try to drink wine again. That was a mistake, and it was not long before I was drinking too much at night again. The worst part is the seperation from God. I am greatful He doesn't let us enjoy our sin! I threw out all the alcohol this am and am going to attend a meeting tonight, but want some imput from other believers. I can't believe I went back to the drinking. It really bothers me that I choose to do things that hurts others, and how good I was at hiding it. I was open with our best friends, and they had no idea! I also ask for prayer, the first couple weeks are tough , and sleep is not good.

[Cap3]

Please know that my prayers are with you,
God bless

[2stop]

Welcome to SR! Glad you found us.............Addiction/alcoholism is a sneaky AND DECEIVING THING THAT IS FOR SURE. I am glad you recognize it and are seeking help. I will definitely keep you in my prayers...

((((((((((((welcoming hugs)))))))))))

Keep posting, we have a couple forums dealing with just alcoholism/alcohol abuse also if you would like to check those out too.

:egg3

[Gr8ful1]

Hello NDGRACE,

We all do and thankfully we receive it when we Trust in the Lord. You know "we all fall short of the glory of God". I know I have. Blew 3 good years of recovery, because I thought I could do it again, that I could handle it, that I was not like the 'others', that I would make it different again, that I wouldn't destroy my family again, that I could show God that it would be different again.

....Notice the I in the above statements. It was all for selfish reasons. The drink and separation from God was all for selfish reasons.

Thank the Lord above that you're still here, family intact. God is not done with you yet, your mission's not fulfilled yet on this planet.

Like I said. I blew 3 years of sobriety by taking one drink which turned into four months of literal hell. But...thank the Lord that I travelled that road one more time...for it brought me to my knees asking forgiveness of God, my family and of myself... and you know what it came. Through God's strength and guidance and support of those that have gone before me...there has not been a mind altering substance in this body for a year and 1/2. It seems like a blink of an eye when I loook back and realize all the blessings that God has put into my life.

You can do it through the strength of God and your support group.

welcome back.

[ndgrace]

Thank you all for the support. I made it 1 day, not much sleep, but read the blue book much of the night. Having people out there who love the Lord and understand the selfishness in us is awesome! The sober days are coming back, and how sweet they are, one day at a time.

[Clark]

Grace, I have to tell you--I went out and drank again after 5 years Of what I thought was "good sobriety". Spent a year and a half of REALLY hard drinking. Hit a very harsh bottom. Had enough of it once and for all. The compulsion was removed. Have now been sober over 20 years. You can do it, too! :bun7

[aasharon90]

Hi Grace, glad ur here.

I'm Sharon and I'm an Alcoholic.

Thanks to my Higher Power whom I chose to call God and u people, I haven't had a drink since 8-11-90. For that I am truely greatful. Our disease is CUNNING, BAFFLING AND POWERFUL. It rears its ugly head in my life many times with my selfish, self-centered behavior. I know that I only have one day, today, to stay sober with help and guidance from AA and my HP. I ask in the morning to my HP to PLEASE help me stay sober today and at night, THANK YOU, for helping me stay sober. All I have is today. For me to drink is to die. I tried to die, but found out my HP wasn't ready to take me yet. I guess He had other plans for me. Drinking failed me so many time. It literterally stopped working for me when i got into a bad car accident in Feb 90 and then in Aug,90 the progression of my disease was sooo rapid that i tried to end my misery. With family intervention my family did for me what i couldn't do for myself. They sought out the help i needed to learn to help myself. Rehab for 28 days recieveing the wonderful tools of recovery to set me on the path to live a better way of life helping other Alcoholics stay sober by sharing my own EXPERIENCES, STRENGTHS AND HOPES with them has been a truely eye opening for me. I'm still sober today doing what I am suppose to do to stay sober and remaining teachable. I only hope one day I can truely reap the rewards spoken in our Big Book by being HAPPY, JOYOUS AND FREE. Hey, im still trudging.

Thanks for letting me share.

[ndgrace]

I saw a posting on another site, for accountability. Is that possible on this site?? My husband does not want me to go to AA, and I need people asking me the tough questions and the ability to eventually help others. I did meet with my pastor and wife and told them the whole truth (wow was that tough!) but nonalcoholics do not understand how difficult it is to stay away from the poison. I did volunteer for him to send others to me. I had a slip Sat night, and dumped the stuff out, so I am starting over again. This is insanity, to know the Living God and be so ungrateful. Back to step one, and depending on Him! Thanks for being there.

[Clark]

Originally Posted by ndgrace

I saw a posting on another site, for accountability. Is that possible on this site?? My husband does not want me to go to AA,

Hi, Grace--Sorry to hear about your trouble. I can try to help.

For starters, I don't understand what you are asking about accountability on this site. Can you explain it?

Also, can you explain why your husband does not want you to go to AA, and how you feel about that?

Thanks, regards, Clark

[ndgrace]

Thanks for the reply Clark,
Accountability in asking the questions, I did AA for 2 years and have the books. I need to start working the steps again. Just some checks and balances. I know it is the "stinkin thinking" that gets me into trouble, my self centeredness. My husband does not think I am an alcoholic, nor does our pastor. I think it is embarrassing for my husband to admit , he feels if I think it is a problem just quit. They agreed to be my accountability group, but don't know anything about the "condition". As far as how I feel about it, I will make an effort without for now, but if it becomes to difficult I will have to push the issue with him.

[Clark]

So, if I understand you correctly, you're thinking about a "cyber-sponsor", right?

I agree with you that your husband and your pastor are not good choices; and that you would benefit from a detached, outside opinion.

I'm sure there are many qualified people on here who would be happy to help out.

What I would do is pay attention to the various posters on here. When you spot somebody who you think might have what you want, go to their profile page and read a bunch more of their posts to really get a handle on how they think, whether they can communicate well, etc.

When you find a likely candidate, send them a PM asking them to be your temporary sponsor-at-a-distance. I would get 2 or 3 lined up and get to know them all.

Of course you know that women make better sponsors for women. I am not a woman, but I would be happy to help out if needed while you are getting more appropriate folks lined up.

Remember, sponsorship truly benefits the sponsor more than the trainee, so don't be shy in asking!!

Good luck! Thanks, regards, Clark

[ndgrace]

Thanks for the reply, I started today trying to read lots of posts to find someone with good sobriety. In the meantime I will keep posting here and praying!

[aasharon90]

Accountability in asking the questions, I did AA for 2 years and have the books. I need to start working the steps again. Just some checks and balances. I know it is the "stinkin thinking" that gets me into trouble, my self centeredness. My husband does not think I am an alcoholic, nor does our pastor. I think it is embarrassing for my husband to admit , he feels if I think it is a problem just quit. They agreed to be my accountability group, but don't know anything about the "condition". As far as how I feel about it, I will make an effort without for now, but if it becomes to difficult I will have to push the issue with him.

Hi ndgrace. Sharon here. I wrote u earlier up top in another post. Just returned and found this that u wrote and had to agree. Ive been married almost 24 yrs. and my husband has seen me both in trouble with alcohol and sober now for 15 yrs. Im pretty sure they remember all the bad stuff when i was drinking, esp. when i use to stay out late at a local club to listen to music, but i really was there to be around others that drank like I. Then got in a bad accident in Feb 90 which landed me in the hospital for 10 day. Then in Aug. them sending me to Rehab after trying to end my life. Ok, now ive been sober for a little while and how is my living life today sober going? Well....soooo much better than any day drunk. However, my husband and i have communication problems. Always have. We just dont say too much to each other unless there is a disagreement. He like ur husband doesnt understand me. Doesnt understand that I am an Alcohilc. Alcoholism is a Disease. The only disease that requires us to go to meetings for our daily medicine. I have moods just like everyone. I also found out i have a chemical imbalnce that was affecting how i was feeling with anxiety and depression. I finally after all these yrs got the medical help that was suggested to me after working on my alcoholism first. I wished now that i had seeked this help long before now and could have avoided some of the stress and strains on my marriage. Anyway...I know I am an Alcoholic even if my family thinks its all in my head. All i have to do and for them to do is look back on my behavior when i was drinking. It was not normal. I also tried countless times to stop drinking on my own with no avail. I couldn't. Just Couldn't. So that was when my family stepped in and did a family intervention on me. I really dont think they want to go back thru that crap again. : ) And as for me....to pick up another drink would me i would end up drunk again, or i would go crazy because there would never be enough alcohol in this world to satisfy my craving or the most drastic solution of all is DEATH. A permanent solution to a temporary problem. Today i know there is HELP available for us. All i need to remember is to have the DESIRE and WILLINGNESS to remain sober no matter what any body thinks. They say this is a selfish program and thus i am SELFISH. This is a ME program. It's mine.
There r programs avialable for family members who have been affected by this disease. I heard many times before that when one person is sick in the family then the whole family gets sick.There is help for them just as there is for us. Thats not to say they will take what is avialable to them...because my husband doesn't...well he went maybe 2 times and picked up a word call dettachment. So now he throws that at me saying hes working his program by dettaching himself from me. WRONG. lol I mean they do do that but on a consistant bases. Getting their own support system to help themselves living with us. Right? Ok, i better end here before i write a book. : ) There will be others along to share their own ESH with u and if u need anymore help or suggestions feel free to message me or anyone u feel connected with. We are all here to help one another thru difficult times. Love and care.

[ndgrace]

Thanks to you all, for the prayer and support. I feel like I have been released! I actually slept last night, and was brought into fellowship with a co-worker who overcame alcohol 10 years ago and we exchanged phone #'s. Our initial friendship is based on our love for the Lord. God is soooo Good! I know it is because of Him I feel good about today. I also know I have some work in front of me to get well in the thinking area.

[ndgrace]

I screwed up and drank again today, starting all over again. Does it ever end???? I am really getting to the point of giving up, pray for my faith to increase!

[ndgrace]

Today I am sober. I am greatful for the PM's and have been convicted to go to meetings. My husband agreed to 2 a week, and I will post here daily. My first meeting is tonight, and I am actually excited to see the people, they are all great! I am feeling the withdrawal symptoms, some shakiness, insomnia. I hope they don't last too long, these symptoms scare me some, but I know they will go away. I do know this is what the Lord wants for me. I am working on a gratitude list, and who can I serve list to get me off of myself!

[Clark]

Is that a Freudian slip--"convicted" to go to meetings?

[ndgrace]

Actually, it is Christianese for , God allowing me to feel the truth, and responding to it. I never thought about the other implications, but it is funny.

[Clark]

Oh, I thought you meant to type "convinced" and your subconscious took over! Sorry, What do I know?

[cmc]

Hi,
I am so glad you are doing better, and going to meetings...
There is an alanon pamphlet called The Merry Go Round of Denial- It might be a good thing to have around the house.
I have had some family members who were greatly harmed by following pastors who do not understand alcoholism. There are plently of good and reputable bible teachers in the Christian media that do understand the truth about it.
We almost had a death in the family due to someone just trying to pray their way out.... God is all powerful and He gives us tools to help. I am glad you are finding them!!
I will be praying for your recovery to be just amazing.
hugs,
cmc

[Hope]

I'm so glad that you are going to go to meetings. They will help tremendously!

Prayer is powerful and I also believe that God doesn't want us to struggle through out battles alone. With God's power and the wonderful support networks He places into our lives, we can overcome.

I'm happy for you!

[ndgrace]

My first meeting back last night went great, I did not sleep well last night, but don't feel too bad, I am sober ! Feels good to start getting out of myself and into helping others again. I did not realize how much I missed the fellowship with other alchies! You all understand me, Thanks for being there!

[ndgrace]

I have been to a meeting everyday this week, talked to my sponsor daily and am doing the suggestions. I know it is only a week, but I feel like the lightbulb has gone on. I spent a couple years in the rooms before, but it was like, thats them,not me. Now it is me! I am not completely over wanting to slip, the thought crosses my mind, but I now have tools to deal with it. I am finally sleeping as of last night, and now craving chocolate??? I took all my weight watcher points on ice cream by 3pm today! Is this normal?
I am very greatful the Lord allowed me to live to return to the program, many don't.

[Clark]

Yes, it's normal. If we deprive ourselves of one source of comfort/strokes/warm fuzzies, we naturally feel that we "deserve" to make up those lost warm fuzzies through another indulgence. It will all even out with time.

If you want to feel good, exercise. Spend an hour a day walking. After you start to get in shape, alternate jogging with the running (150 steps walking/50 steps jogging) or 5 minutes walking/1 minute jogging, for example.
Don't overdue it. Your ultimate goal is to spend one hour a day as follows: start stopwatch (on wristwatch--all the digitals seem to have them these days) as you leave your home. Walk briskly for 10 minutes to warm up. Jog for 40 minutes. Walk back to your home for the remaining 10 minutes to cool down.

If you will do this faithfully, your whole life will be different. If you will not do it, you may be doomed to join the legion of the bored and depressed for awhile. That's just the way it is. Your choice!

Cheers!

[ndgrace]

I am already working out, and walking 1 hour daily, just started with adding some jogging this week. I joined a gym in Feb when I first tried to quit. It definitely increased the energy. I noticed on the treadmill how many more calories burn with jogging! This is definitely a goal. I would rather eat the ice cream than drink, so I will have to work it off!