Confused new Christian

[Karivan]

Hi. I hadn't really looked at this forum before but I think I was led here by God because of my confusion over Christianity vs. my marriage.

I want to do God's will but how will I know what it is? I've been married to my H for 14 years and his drinking has gotten really bad in the past few years. We are both Christians... he has been for years and I'm new to it.

My AH has been sober for almost a month. He went to 3 AA meetings but our church counselor talked bad about 12 step programs so he didn't go this week. I was really angry when the counselor said that about AA because I'd been trying to get my AH to go to AA for years. The church counselor said he isn't a marriage counselor so all he will counsel us on is our personal walk with God. In the last meeting with him he said we aren't going to talk about the drinking again. I understand where he is coming from but I feel we need to talk about our issues and now my AH doesn't want to get counseling. He said he "might" go to a Christian counselor.

Right now he pretty much lives downstairs and I live upstairs. We don't share a bed or much of anything else. We don't talk about our issues and now I'm worried that he has quit working on his recovery. He said he wants to get to the point that he doesn't want to drink and through God he will. But he isn't working on the issues that are causing his drinking.

I'm struggling with wanting to be on my own and just not deal with it anymore but I keep reading and hearing that God hates divorce. I do want to do God's will but what happens when my AH isn't motivated to work on our marriage? He usually just lets things happen to him and he just isn't a very motivated person. Sometimes I just think he's lazy and would prefer to let me handle everything. The kids are grown and so it's just us and I'm tired of taking care of him. I want him to start taking responsibility for his life, his finances, his home responsibilities... He wants me to tell him what to do all the time and I keep telling him I'm not his mother and to make up his own mind. Sometimes I think that if he were on his own, he would have to take responsibility for himself and learn to like it!

I know this is long and I apologize. These issues have been bothering me a lot. How do you reconcile what the Bible says to what your life is? Does God really want people to be stuck in a relationship that isn't going anywhere?

I would appreciate some feedback. God Bless.
Karen

[best]

Wondering if you need find a new councelor?
Though from a Christian perspective AA falls short in some areas...AA works and the 12 steps are lessons of life that can also be found in the bible.
In my opinion for the councelor to pull the rug out from under him, was not a good idea. Replace AA with a church recovery program would have been a good idea but to bash AA like that?
I think what would be good for you... Al Anon or a church sponsored replacement for Al Anon.
A bible study for couples would be nice as well.
God's word and through reading as well as studying His word can bring needed changes to him. It did for me.
AA is not bad. The councelor saying it was has given him an excuse to remain lazy. Yes His issues and only he can fix them. Al Anon for you would help you better understand and deal with life. Will give you the tools to do what needs be done so your life stops getting pulled into his issues.
It is good to see your commitment to your marriage.
You have my prayers with you. Prayers for His peace and strength for you and prayers that the Lord touch his heart as he has touched mine. May his heart become filled with the Lord's love as he does what is commanded to husbands... love our wife. Remember Focus is just down the street and around the corner. They have some of the best councelors and support available.

[Karivan]

Thank you, Best. I called Focus on the Family and talked to a counselor. She was very nice and prayed with me. What is really great is I talked to my insurance company and they sent me a list of counselors that are on my insurance plan. I started looking them up on the internet one by one and found one of them actually is a Focus on the Family counselor. I called him and he isn't taking new patients but he had me read the rest of the names on the list and two of them are Christian counselors! We have an appointment with one of them for next week.

So thanks a bunch. God bless.

[msc1963007]

Karen

I am sorry to hear this. let me tell you this .Iam new at this also. I have been married for 23 years, I have used drugs for 25 years. about 10 years ago my life spon out of control. My none drug using wife tried useing meth with me and her brother. At the time we both liked it. For about 3 years we thought we could control it. I relize now 10 years later we both were wrong, it took over our lives.At the time I ran or asst. running a KFC. I loved my job.Idid it for about2 years, and started to steal from the company. One very stessful day I stool the whole deposit. I lied a tried to blame it on a nother person that quit. I thought I got away with it. I was wrong GOD new every thing. So I Quit a short time later and took a motorcycle trip across country. I was going to a freind for a job welding. Had a good time going. When I arrived 2 days later I found out he was not even willing to try and get me a job. AT that time I had about $1000 , I mest up again and bought lots of drugs and was a very bad person. AT the end of the week I was broke, and could not even get home, if I was even welcome. My buddy gave me 400 when he got payed, befor I left I used 200 on DRUGS. My trip home was HELL. Rained most of the way, and was very hot. So I did not ware my helment. got to St lewis and the law maid me put my helmit on got to Rolar got gas took a brake. went about my way was trying to get back on the highway and it happend. My mind was not with me and I hit a car head on... Thank GOD that my helment was on. I slid about 200 FT. My Left hand was tore apart and in a lot of pain. 3 DAYs later I call my wife . She took care of me for weeks till I could walk again. Our lives went down from there we lost a 3 bed room 2 cars and many more things . My drug habit got worse. Today I dont rember much more. The point is that we are still together. God put us together and I still PRAY to that she wont devorse me . That was in 95. I have not worked for 3 years Because of my drug habit. I have been in jail 2 times in that time of 3 years for 60 to 80 days. I on my last visit to jail turned my life over to JESUS. Also We to do hve two kids 20 and 16. I now Have Been clean for 93 days. And It is a one day at a time deal, I read the BIBLE EVERY MORNING AND PRAYMANY TIMES THROUGH THE DAY, I now have more to deal with my wife keep giving me reasons way she wont stop useing. I must keep my faith and THE MOST IMPORTAINT THING IS TO FIX MY SELF FIRST. I believe she will follow. This is hard for me because I hit rock bottom and I LOVE her so much I do not want to see her go there. I now go to A_A or N-A 3 or more times a week IT WORKS GO IF YOU NEED TO AND PRAY THAT HE WILL FOLLOW IN TIME. WORK THE 12 STEPS AND FIX YOUR SELF. in time I will know if I to must get a devorse also, i dont believe thats GODS will. Rember you are #1 and we both will know what to do in time. You are not alone as long as you have God to talk to he hears all..... I will PRAY FOR YOU hope you make the right choices. REMBER I AM ONLY HUMAN AND I MIGHT BE WRONG ALSO.ASK GOD FOR HELP AND IN TIME HE WILL ANSWER. gOT TO GO FOR NOW. OH I cant spell sorry hpoe you get the point.I dont type I peck. write back or E-mail to MSC1963007@AOL.COM


GOD BLESS

Michael

[Don W]

Hi Karen, Welcome to SR. I'm sorry you ran into a problem. Just remember everyone in a program or not, might not be happy or well. Not everyone agrees on recovery programs but, I agree you and your husband needs help. Sometimes the help you both need isn't in the same place. You might want to look into Alonon. I'm glad you sought another source. I'm sort of new to this board myself. I've been sober for 18 months and the spiritual part of my recovery is starting to appear. Anyway, I'll keep you both in prayer and thoughts. God, will find a way, we need to step in that direction. Don W

[Karivan]

Thanks so much for sharing your story, Michael. It takes a lot of courage to turn your life around like you have. I will also pray for you and your family that God will be with you every day and help you through this.

Don, I appreciate your prayers also. I know God is working in our lives. I just need to learn to read him better!

We found a Christian counselor and went last week. We both like her and she prayed with us. She wants us to have separate sessions at first with some sessions together now and then. She said we obviously have separate issues so we need to work on those. I have really good insurance so they will cover this for awhile. My AH hasn't been back to AA but he still isn't drinking and he's reading the Bible and going to church. He's there now. He has to work weekends so he goes to church on Wed nights.

Thanks everybody for your support and caring. God Bless.

[Don W]

That is great news. You are both going in the right direction. I feel you counselor is correct. We all have different issues and need to solve some of them before solving relationship problems. Don W

[hector]

(((karen))) (((mike)))

Thanks to both of you for sharing. Your stories made good reading.

You're both on the right track, I think. You didn't park your brains at the door of a church or an AA meeting. You continue to think, reason, question, use your God-given intellect. At the same time, you're open-minded, willing to listen. Good for you. Keep it up.

I've been divorced twice. My first wife was paranoid schizophreic when I met and married her. Then her diagnosis was "improved" to manic depressive. Then "mood swings." Not much difference I could see. After 6 1/2 years of marriage she kicked me out. I was frustrated enough to go. I met my second wife less than a year later. She introduced me to Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA); my first wife and my father had drinking problems. Six months after we were married, I joined AA, having faced facts. That's when I found out she talked the talk just fine, but couldn't walk the walk. She became my enemy, despite my best efforts to be a good husband. I left her after 9 1/2 years of marriage, almost seven years ago.

Your stories are different. Your spouses are not in the program. My feeling is that God can lead a person out of a marriage. I think that happened to me. I don't think God hates divorce, I think God wants us to see it and use it only as a last resort.

The counselor I sought out in the last days of my second marriage didn't try to tell me to stay or go. He simply tried to be sure I was right with God and deciding properly. He recommended a book, "Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No, to Take Control of Your Life" by Cloud/Townsend, published by Zondervan, copyright 1992. I read and I underlined. I highlighted paragraphs. I met with him weekly to discuss things. After about five weeks, I decided to leave her - with a clear, open mind. I don't regret leaving her.

I'm still active in my church, as much as ever. My priorities are sobriety and spirituality, each equally important. I'm happier, healthier, and more prosperous than ever before. I've been sober almost 16 years (birthday Saturday).

My point is, divorce if necessary, but not necessarily divorce.

Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

[Dawn10]

Hi,
I would encourage you to check out "Overcomers"--a Christian based 12 step out reach for many different problems, among them addicitions, co-dependency, etc. The format is that at a meeting the whole group meets for about 30 minutes for a presentation and then the small groups break off for a 12 step meeting. The national site is www.overcomersoutreach.com and will let you know of any groups in your areas.
It has been a great group for me.