Seeking help from others with bi-polar spouses

[New Day]

undefinedHello, I am new to this site and I am looking to talk and learn from others who have spouses that have bi-polar. My key questions are: what are realistic expectations of someone with bi-polar in minimum management of their illness? How do you discern what is behavior and what is the illness regarding commitment to better manage the illness?

My husband vacilates back and forth in accepting the bi-polar diagnosis, risk of various addictions, and what he is responsible for or what he can do to better manage his illness. He has been under the care of a psychiatrist for 10 years and after his traffic conviction in which his felony was reduced to a misdameaner he agreed to go to a therapist, but has not consistently followed through.

I have been seeing a very good therapist as well and I am working on my own co-dependence issues. I am struggling with where do you draw the line when the words and promises are not followed through with action. And how do you deal with the guilt if he committs suicide?

The bottom line is I know I can not do this for him no matter how much I want to, he has to do it and I need to follow through with appropriate consequences and make the best decisions for me as well. I am working on a New Day and not being sucked in anymore to the drama and trusting that whatever does happen I can trust in God to give me strength to come out on the other end with a purpose.

[Dawn10]

Hi, Welcome to SR,
I don't have the answers you are looking for, but just wanted to let you know someone will see this eventually and identify and respond. I don't have a bipolar spouse, but I have a good friend who was just diagnosed about 6 weeks ago and was doing pretty well on her meds, but all of a sudden decided that she "was healed by God and didn't need her meds." I am a believer and don't discount healing, but she is back to some extremely bizarre behavior and her husband is so overwhelmed he can't seem to see she is in danger. I am scared for her safety as she is feeling pretty invincible and I fear she may do something that will harm her or others. I have talked to her husband, and our pastor, ( we go to the same church) and the latter is going to contact her husband, ( our pastor has also seen the same behavior).
I wish I had the answers you are looking for, but if you need to "talk" adn vent, we are here.

[New Day]

Thank you for your response. The situation you shared with your good friend, unfortunately, is very typically of bi-polar. When entering a manic phase the bi-polar person believes they are cured and/or never had bi-polar and then stop taking the meds or are partially compliant or they mix other substances with their meds that change the delicate balance of the chemicals in their brain. It is very scary because at the time you cannot reason with the bi-polar and the personal attacks are relentless if you intervene. But if you don't intervene, it is almost certain that there will be a negative outcome because bi-polar alters their judgement to such a degree almost anything can happen.

I am wrestling with the fact that I know this is an illness but how much can someone endure? From all the "support" out there from many different sources, as with everything in life, the decision is up to you and you hope if you are truely open to God you will hear and be guided in the right direction. I am sure this is very similar to what other people face with spouses with other addictions.

[Dawn10]

New Day,
I do know of what you speak, the going off meds, etc. I have done some research on the Internet and found that my friend fits very well, ( too well) into the picture painted. Right now, all I can do is pray and there are others in prayer for her as well. Sometimes that is all we can do, isn't it?
You must a be a very strong person to have endured this for so long.

Welcome New Day.

I don't live with anyone who has bi-polar, but I work with many who have this disorder. I can understand how hard it is for both of you. It always breaks my heart to watch what they have to go through, but I've also been on the end where I've stayed up countless of hours monitoring so they don't injure themselves. It can be really tough even when they are on the proper medication because their medication needs can change rapidly. It is imperative that the psychiatrist is good and knows how to monitor the medication properly. I've seen some really bad psychiatrists who make things worse rather than better. Don't hesitate to get a second opinion.

You also need support wherever you can find it. There are many people here with bi-polar disorder who are also recovering from addiction. They may have better insight as to how to handle the situation you're in. You may try posting questions on the mental health forum. The family and friends forum also has a lot of good information in the power posts and sticky posts on the top of that forum.

We're glad you're here.

Hugs,
MG

[New Day]

What is a sticky post? I have looked in the FAQ and I have not been able to find a definition of what they are. Also, thanks for your advice regarding posting questions on the other forums.

Thank you! I am happy and find comfort that I have found this site. I myself feel that I have experienced a combination of bottoming out myself with my codependence and realization that you really cannot do it for someone else, no matter what the risk. In reading many of the threads regarding parent-children situations and struggles to let go in love, it is heart wrenching! It is very hard to trust that God does have a plan when it is so scary and that suicide is not only a reality but probable. Even after for so long trying to do it for them, it does all come back to God. So what does happen to a Christian who committs suicide? Does God look into their hearts and realize it was do to mental illness and welcome them into heaven? I wonder, because the bible also says that there is no trial or tribulation here on earth that is more than we can bear and is all a test.

I am one of those mom's who had to put her son out homeless right after a suicide attempt. It is very frightening. That was a couple of years ago and he is still alive. My husband also committed suicide many years ago when my children and I were very young. I can't count how many Christians came up to me and told me my husband was in hell. They were very insensitive.

I don't have all the answers to the suicide question, but I know without a doubt that God loved my husband more than anyone on this earth could. He knew exactly what he was doing and exactly what happened. He is in charge of life and death. I don't have that power. If someone is suicidal you can't stop it even if you are there. I was in the other room when my husband took his life.

Sticky posts are the posts that are stuck to the top of each forum. They don't fall to the bottom like the others. You'll find the power post links at the top of most of the forums and special posts will be at the very top also.

I've been where you are. My greatest fear when letting go of my son was the risk of suicide. Statistics say that children of a person who committed suicide have a 50% higher risk of doing the same thing. I realized that I wasn't minimizing that risk by enabling him to stay helpless. What I was doing was just as bad. I continue to love him and talk to him weekly, but I try very hard not to interfere with the natural consequences for his decisions.

Stick around with us for awhile. Being here made all the difference in the world for me.

Hugs,
MG

[New Day]

MG, thank you!!! I know your words are true, only through God's grace will I be able to accept that it is not my fault and that I should be able to do something about it. I am also guilty of believing that I could do it on my own - be a support to my husband while keepimg myself emotionally, physically and spiritually strong all on my own. It has taken me this long to shift the focus of recovery from my husband to myself. I am very thankful and feel very blessed that this website exists.

Currently I am struggling with also not trying to interfere with the natural consequences of his decisions.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am to hear from someone who has and is struggloig with similar situations. I most definately will stick around.