Not quite sure????????

[2Sunshine]

How do you know the difference between forgiveness, acceptance and healthy detachment? The guess for me is whether or not I still harbor resentment and if I still get a knawing feeling in my gut when I think of the situation...

The wonder for me is am I being unreasonable in my resolve. I have just decided that I would no longer speak (by letters) with my H no longer because of, by what I have read about addicts behavior, he is still in his addiction. He is incarcerated and now serving another 10 year sentence. I can't stand his language and the attitude. He wants to pick on me because I am a "christian" and says all manner of things that "we" should do in relation to all types of behaviors and responses. Of course this is a pity party and excuse me while I poop on you today banner he uses to try to blame me for his problem. Up until I began to read he I realized that he still got under my skin and I would respond in probably no so kind manners. I have felt that I had to get him off my back. There is so much of course that he doesn't understand and I don't know how to continue to communicate with somebody like that. The scripture that comes to mind for me is the one that states, "as much is possible, live at peace with all men". Well, I deduce that this one is an impossibility.

Any thoughts, guidance or comments please?

Signed, Just Wondering

[Ann]

Sunshine

For me, forgiveness is the antidote to resentment. It doesn't mean we totally forget or allow a repeat, it means that we give up the bad feelings about it and cleanse our souls. It means that we don't have to carry the baggage anymore and that we can give it to God.

Acceptance, to me, is to acknowlege the existance and instead of fighting or struggling to deny we simply acknowledge that something is what it is. It doesn't mean we have to like what it is, just acknowledge it for what it is, if that makes sense.

And detachment to me is just taking a step away from something or someone, releasing our grip. It's not the same as pushing something away because that takes negative energy, but simply "letting go" of the unhealthy attachment we have to something. When I detach from my son's addiction, I no longer feel compelled to try to control it or fix it, but again I just take a step back and release my ownership to it. I still love my son, but I no longer try to control him. I never had that control in the first place, so I am freeing myself from struggle.

All three of the above, for me, are part of giving it to God which allows me to open my heart and my spirit to more positive energy.

Something in your post jumped out at me...

as much is possible, live at peace with all men". Well, I deduce that this one is an impossibility.

I think that it is possible for you to have peace with your husband, even if that means not having communication. It is the communication that is causing disharmony for you, and if his letters are distressing you or making you upset, then discontinuing them, at least for a period of time, is a positive thing for you and for your "peace with him". Or if you want to continue corresponding in peace, then perhaps telling him that you can only do that when his letters become more respectful of you and your beliefs. That is setting a boundary for yourself, protecting yourself from abusive language and accusations, yet leaving the lines of communication open for him if he is willing to respect your boundaries.

Only you can decide if you want to continue a relationship with him, and you don't have to decide today. But while you are considering what you do want, you can still insist on being treated with respect. You deserve that, you are entitled to that, and you are worthy of that.

My prayers go out for both of you. May you find peace, with yourselves and with each other.

Hugs
Ann

[2Sunshine]

Thanks Ann,

Your response has further clarified what i felt that i had no other choice to do. everytime i would write a letter thinking that i was going to send it---it felt as though i would be sitting on my hands---and i take those things as guidance on what i should do about any given situation.

It's been almost 2 weeks since I recieved 3 ultimatum/talking crazy letters from him, and i wrote about 4 letters and have not sent a one---i just don't/can't.......do it. i keep having all these things to say--knowing that everything i have said in those letters i have said them before---i sent him a really pissed off/matter of fact letter in response to his letter telling me he wasn't reading my letters anyway--"because i'm downing him" (his inner-child needs big time healing)--and i was already suspicious that he wasn't or not caring or just not dealing with what was on my mind anyway--so when he told me that, i ripped him a bit and told him that he really just needed to forget about me and his daughter (although, of course i have left that up to her). my children have never been swayed by my opinion to things--i have always allowed them to own their own feelings and opinions. i suspected he wasnt reading because i wasn't getting any responses or feedback relevent to what i was saying.

i had already settle the issue that i was done with this marraige and i told him that he really didn't want to talk to me (because of all the stuff that was in between us that he didn't want to hear about) and he wanted to talk to me always just about himself--of course this was aggrevating because he was not comprehending the "me" factor. i was ignored habitually and this was a vexing of course. in the process of our separation last oct.--i was getting info to file for the divorce and talking about it and suddenly i heard the Lord tell me to stop and wait. So I did. Not questioning Him of course--He always tells me what He wants me to know when He is ready--so i patiently wait for the explanation of that. during that wait--i heard Him say for me to go to his court hearings-these started in may--he had been in jail since march and i hadn't seen him since dec. so i didn't ask any questions--i went---i told him about the Lord prompting me to attend the hearings--he of course interprets this to think i am reconsidering the relationship--i had made it clear to him that that was not it. It was like He just wanted me to be there to watch. in spite of how i felt - i went to all 3 of them. he got sentenced of course--while he and his other A family members thought that he would get off--he was going to lie of course and plead not guilty--but he said God whooped on his head and told him not to lie...

anyways he keeps pushing his own agenda, wanting us now to be husband and wife--what a joke!!!!!!!!! and it has gotten back to the place where i just have nothing to say...it is to no resolve---he still isn't taking full responsibility for his own actions and he keeps projecting this warped theology (way of thinking) on me---i feel that i have no other choice but to stop writing--we can't be penpals and it is just all a mess----i'm tired of trying to explain myself--it is as if he is on mars and i am on earth--and what is the purpose anyway--like you said--he doesn't respect my boundaries or anything else i have and i just really needed to resolve the issue once and for all---for right now, as you have suggested, that i can not communicate with him. so that is what i will resolve to do. plus he is stillllllllllll lying...from prison. give me a break. not to mention, i have choosen to divorce anyway....10 years is a long time---not to mention--all his issues. he was over crowding the space in my head and i need my energy for all the positive things i have to do and need to do---I look at that situation and i just go cross-eyed and throw my hands up. there was nothing more that i could do........

i just keep the post man at the door of my heart that wants to shadow me with any type of guilt...that is about my only battle right now and i had felt so helpless over being able keep this marriage going in a positive direction---not the mention all his issues--he has to work all that out himself--i tried to show him the road--rejected--so he remained stuck--i wont tell you that he wanted me to be his rescuer. he wanted me to take the lead position in everything almost, just because i am a "christian". that was to weighty for me---i had no other choice--i couldn't "strike a balance" on this one---the demand was tooooooooooooo great and overwhelming---it moved me totally out into the abyss. no thank you...that is not a place for me---so i have to take care of me.

Thanks again Ann for your insight.

[best]

When my brother was in, he would call anyone and everyone till he found someone willing enough to be the codie for the week. When I said no, he didn't call again till all others had said no or had been used up.
My other brother was his pillar codie and for 8 years the younger brother held fast to his resolve....it is everyone elses fault...NOT mine.

My only regrete as far as the baby brother went... I was thinking I should have sent him a bible. I didn't because of knowing his attitude and felt he would try to sell it inside if he could.
8 years and out last month. best I can do for him is continue to pray that he wakes up and looks in a mirror one day for change. Maybe he will stay clean this time around and with the Lord's touch on his heart, he would find a needed change there as well.

I think you are doing well in not writting or sending fuel for him to feed off of.
I would think the only communication should be.... these are my boundaries.
and if he crosses them... this conversation is over till you can follow the rules and stay within the boundaries.
A prayer for you at this time as well.

[2Sunshine]

Thank you Best,

The fueling of the fire was/is definately in motion--it is like he was feeding on that stuff. he wants me to remain forever codie. i fought that thought the situation and he understood nothing. of course they twist things and i have just really felt sorry for him---wishing that this did not happen to him----but i can't cure him. he desperately wanted me to while fighting me all along the way---i knew my journey had to end because he refused to do what was necessary to get off of the stuff and his behavior was totally a dangerous risk for my household.

I found this article on another web-site by doing a type of search that was suggesting by our expert, Guy. it was very interesting--I never knew i was at such risk of becoming a newspaper article. it can be read by clicking on the link below.

www.alternet.org/story/10924

Thanks for sharing a portion of your story Best.

[best]

The fighting I look at at times as being a drowning person in panic mode.
If you are the rescuer they try to pull you down.
Untill the drowning person can see that things are going to be ok, they will continue to fight.

[2Sunshine]

Best, that was good---I don't think I quite looked at that that way-----brilliant. thanks for sharing that one---talk about the hammer on the head of th nail....that bout raps that one up for him...

still putting the pieces together in that puzzle--just when i thought i had a pretty good handle on my codie/addiction awareness...then here you come.

but he said he wants/needs my help????????? i guess the contradiction is really in "his" head, huh. wow, he doesn't seem to have that resolve that things are going to be o.k.--no matter how much i've spoken my position--he still continues on this all but strange path. well, i used to think it was strange--found out it was normal, thanks to SR. i'll let him figure it out--------i'm all used up, empty and at the end of that season on that road. i can't do rescue mode anymore---i could perform til the cows come home but until the bell rings and the light comes on for him--there will always be a fight......cause surely i can't cross the road and walk over there where he is...........my, my, my---------forced release...self-preserverance.