Is This Gods Plan? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

xpartyeee · 10-13-2009, 04:41 PM

This is my third thred I have started so I hope to get a response from this. Yes I am an addict and I do believe in God. Here are my inner thoughts and feelings. I have always believed in God and believe Jesus died for our sins and I confirmed and Baptised. I am a believer. Throughout my drug use I have gone through fazes. ( Excuse me if I ramble I am trying to put feelings into thoughts) Prior to starting drugs in H.S. 15 years ago I always went to church with my family prayed at night and always felt a connection with God from my faith. When I would get heavy into drugs I would not go church I can't remember praying and cannot remember the connection with him it is almost like it wasn't there. My feelings push me towrds believing that the things that happened to make me get clean were his doing. The reason I say this is the minute I got clean God was back the feeling of love returned. The feeling of security returned. I felt it the most this last time but remeber it from others. When I got clean and went to church I felt the connection it was tingle through my whole bady like he was telling me somethinng approving of my decision. I want nothing more than to help others get though the pains and hardships they have to give everyone that fighting chance. Its like God has always pushed me in this direction. Ok the next is really personal but I am going to share it anywase. I was arrested when I was 18 at the beginning of my career with drugs. I had been using for 3 years was hooked on Meth. I was arrested with an amount that should have sent me away for a long time but I was extremely lucky and got deferred adjutication for 8 years. That is probation but if you finish it without issues your felony goes away. While on this I met my x-wife she was messed up on drugs at the time. Not the right choice or a good one by far but when I met here I had 2 years of Sobriety the longest time I have been off drugs in the last 15 years. I believed that I could change her save her get her to live a better life. I realy believed in a sort of selfish way that by trying to save her that I could make up maybe my drug use which at that time I looked at asbeing really bad. Well it was ok at first but I didn't stay stron I fell back into the life. No excuses but I sort of flipped out when I have found out I had Rheumatoid Arthritis and my spine was falling apart and oh did I blow it I was back on Meth all over again and this was really bad because I was on Probation. Well some how God protected me over the next several years until my health got really bad and I had to move home because I was almost bed ridden. That is when I started to get clean again and was connected with God again and was a good path I was healthy after 6 months working going to church seperated from the xwife though everything was going good for me. Then I thought I was ready but wasn't the xwife wanted to get back together and needed help so I helped her got back together went several more months until it came crashing down again relapse God gone heII was back so after several months it wasn't working were we where at so we moved up too MN stayed with aunt for awhile got clean was great for year and a half clean working awsome God was back. Then moved out and was ok for a few months and all of a sudden like night and day the drugs were back and he was shortly gone again we moved to PA were he really wasn't and the drug addiction just got out of control. That is when I said ENOUGH!!! I came home I came home to family and God was there. I guess the whole point to all of this this viscouse cycle is God was always there to help me pick up the pieces. God doesn't judge me. God isnt ashamed of me. God has always found some way to get me back on the good and righteous path. It has been painful but God has a plan somewere in my experiences to allow me to do something great. I don not know what it is yet. But I am starting to be aware of his plans for me. Thankyou for listening I really appreciat it.

ashleek · 10-13-2009, 05:11 PM

Let me just say you are amazing! I always love reading your stuff cause we are so much a like. When I was getting sober I felt like I couldn't find God, I had so lost it and I struggled my first few days with it. Everytime I said the serenity prayer I would just lose it and cry like a baby.

I think I still struggle with it, so you are lucky! I am taking baby steps right now. I pray once in awhile but I am trying to focus on me right now and take baby steps to finding a God again.

When you said you wanted to fix your wife. I am one of those people, I love the fixer uper's but you can't fix anyone. I learned that quickly. People don't like to change, of course when it is drugs or something of that nature we sometimes think we can fix others but we know that isn't possible either. I just wanted to say that I am that person too. I always wanna fix people. Maybe you should go into Social Work! That's what I am going to school for, you seem to have the personality for it. Maybe that is your calling, to help others.

Hurricane · 10-13-2009, 05:52 PM

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ( Jeremiah 29:11 )

I have been asking God his plan for me my whole life, 9 years ago I finaly realized my drinking was not part of his plan. (I really thought it was) This morning I was praying with frustration of not knowing Gods plan for my life and feeling I am not being used by him enough.
After praying I went to biblegateway and saw the above verse, then a song come on the radio saying "Jesus has a plan for you". Tonight I read your post.
Yep, I would say he has a plan , maybe tomorrow I will just see what his plan is for tomorrow.

2 Corinthians 6:14

xpartyeee · 10-13-2009, 06:06 PM

Thanks... The time when my soon to be x-wife and I split up there first time it hurt like HEII. I wanted nothing more to get back with her save her protect her shelter her. Ya know the things a good caring person does when they love somone. The problem is she couldn't and really never loved me back. She said she does or did or whatever but she cant. She is one of those if it benefits me at the moment types of people. A person that sacrifices for her not for anyone else. What is good for her in the moment is all that matters. This time that it is over again I look at it different and I am amazed. YEs it still hurts because when I care for someone its uncoditional I don't expect anything in return you would like it but ultimately you are there for them. I helped her try to be a better person try to change her life and allowed myself to get into bad things. Its not her fault it can never be anyones fault I put the needle in my arm I put the pipe in my mouth I put the powder in my nose. But at the same time when I was strong for her she wouldn't be strong for me and that is like throwing gasoline on a fire with 2 addicts. I am at the point were I know that I did more for her then probably anyone will ever do. I did more for here then her family more for her then any friend I was there in good and bad. So I have come to peace and did my duty. I gave it my best and she didn't want it. Its sad to say she id going to end up messed up in a bad place dead or in jail. You are right people don't change for others they usually dont even change for themselves. I am a little messed up from it though it was the longest relationship I have had all of my adult life. since I neglected every other relationship I am at a battle with my heart and mind. I feel sometimes like that is the way it is supposed to be that is what love is because that is what I have learned and experienced and then I think I wont be able to find someone else I wont be able to find someone that will want to care about. Really depressing nonsence. Then my heart kicks in and says YOUR NUTS your a great person look at how you think about others look at your feeling your thoughts your emotions look at how you cared for someone close to 9-10 years that made an effort to hold you back kick you down hurt you look at how you kept getting up. My heart says you are a wonderful person and anyone should be thankful to be with you. So see it is sort of a Crazy battle between concious unconcious and heart. The HEART is definately starting to WIN!!!! On that note to just to recap another thought that is why people on here are so awsome because they are changing and that is so hard to do. To change your life and make that commitment is special and rare. What a magical thing. Social work would be cool I like motivational speaking I think that is why I am really good with sales and people. Well thankyou as always and I hope you and your family are doing well that is a great thing too!

xpartyeee · 10-13-2009, 06:10 PM

to hurrican... that is way cool. To think you were drawn to my post in that way. I believe all things are as God wills it. Is amazing. That is special! Thankyou for sharing that. I am not great with versus. So please post more if you like they are awlys cool! on another note I went to communion for the first time in 4 years and have never felt so clean or blessed ever in my life it was another amazing feeling of many that I have had lately that have touched my soul!!! Just thought I would share that.

(A note to non spiritual and spiritual non denomination or others these are my beliefs in no way am I trying to pass these on or influence you in any way I am just sharing to give others who may believe or who have lost there way like I have so many times that at least in my life God is watching and planning and if you do want him in your life he will be there Just Ask!)

***cmc*** · 10-13-2009, 06:36 PM

Hi xpartyee and welcome to Christians In Recovery.

Thanks for sharing your story.

rayofsunshine · 10-14-2009, 06:01 AM

Hi xpartee... Thank you for sharing your testimony. A good reminder that our God is always there... he never leaves us. Sometimes we want to do things "our" way, and we sometimes get out of touch with him.

God's promise is for you: "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5)

May the God of comfort and peace be your daily strength according to His promise in Isaiah 41:10, which states: "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Congratulations on your clean time!

thirtybubba · 10-14-2009, 06:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xpartyeee

The reason I say this is the minute I got clean God was back the feeling of love returned. The feeling of security returned. I felt it the most this last time but remeber it from others.

XParty, I read it all, and this is what I gathered...

Yeah, it's my job to gather the main point, sorry. But this one was perfectly said...

I had a hard time accepting that God would accept me again... but I do understand the how and why now--and I requiredd proof... although I realize my standard isn't everyone's.

Note to the note (and yeah, I know why that too... it is a strange world we live in, if you think on it any type of way) in a forum full of Christians, you don't gotta apologize for being Christian... but it is a strange world.

I realize most of y'all aren't of my own particular 'religion'... but we can relate, no? it's common themes... Jesus died on the cross for me and you... that's what makes us Christians... it's not that hard to open your hearts...

ashleek · 10-14-2009, 08:14 AM

You know I have been taught this stuff my entire life. God never gives you more than you can handle, he will never leave you, ask for forgiveness.....and I do believe. I had lost the faith and that is slowly coming back to me. Do I want to go to church, NO. But do I want to have God in my life, YES. I really yearn for that in my life. It is slowly coming back to me. I used to be big in church and went to concerts and conventions, I know God is there I guess maybe it's me that is wanting him in my life but I just can't find him. Maybe I'm not ready. I don't know, maybe I'm too lazy to see him.

xpartyeee · 10-14-2009, 06:25 PM

I don't think God leaves anyone. I think God is like when you are going on a long trip. You are there driving along sittin next to each other sometimes you talk sometime you turn on the radio and you can't hear him cause its loud but then smack you get into an accident and God is the one that calls the ambulance pulls you out of the burning car holds your hand on the way to the hospital sits in the hospital making sure you are ok then when you are ready to leave on the drive home you talk and turn the radio back on. My point God is the one that loves you unconditionally even at times when you don;t want to hear him. He will always be there he will always help you and give you strength but most of all with your faith you can turn off the radio when you want to and he will listen and be there. God is awsome like that He doesn't judge he doesn't hold grudges He is great and there for you. I was lost for so long many times. Remember God is sort of like the path of recovery you may fall off the path here and there but as long as you get back on everything will be ok! It just depends if you want to be on the path but the path will always be there. Thankyou for sharing that I know from experience sometimes talking about spirituality could be difficult not saying that it is for you. Sometims I feel like I should refrain weird from some of the other things I have posted about myself but then I get that thought again wow why would I ever want to hide my faith?? It is what helps move me, it gives me strength and protects me. So my faith is my faith and I love it!

10-13-2009, 04:41 PM	#1 (permalink)
xpartyeee Reborn in Sobriety! Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: My safe place NW burbs, IL (Chicago) Posts: 35	Is This Gods Plan? This is my third thred I have started so I hope to get a response from this. Yes I am an addict and I do believe in God. Here are my inner thoughts and feelings. I have always believed in God and believe Jesus died for our sins and I confirmed and Baptised. I am a believer. Throughout my drug use I have gone through fazes. ( Excuse me if I ramble I am trying to put feelings into thoughts) Prior to starting drugs in H.S. 15 years ago I always went to church with my family prayed at night and always felt a connection with God from my faith. When I would get heavy into drugs I would not go church I can't remember praying and cannot remember the connection with him it is almost like it wasn't there. My feelings push me towrds believing that the things that happened to make me get clean were his doing. The reason I say this is the minute I got clean God was back the feeling of love returned. The feeling of security returned. I felt it the most this last time but remeber it from others. When I got clean and went to church I felt the connection it was tingle through my whole bady like he was telling me somethinng approving of my decision. I want nothing more than to help others get though the pains and hardships they have to give everyone that fighting chance. Its like God has always pushed me in this direction. Ok the next is really personal but I am going to share it anywase. I was arrested when I was 18 at the beginning of my career with drugs. I had been using for 3 years was hooked on Meth. I was arrested with an amount that should have sent me away for a long time but I was extremely lucky and got deferred adjutication for 8 years. That is probation but if you finish it without issues your felony goes away. While on this I met my x-wife she was messed up on drugs at the time. Not the right choice or a good one by far but when I met here I had 2 years of Sobriety the longest time I have been off drugs in the last 15 years. I believed that I could change her save her get her to live a better life. I realy believed in a sort of selfish way that by trying to save her that I could make up maybe my drug use which at that time I looked at asbeing really bad. Well it was ok at first but I didn't stay stron I fell back into the life. No excuses but I sort of flipped out when I have found out I had Rheumatoid Arthritis and my spine was falling apart and oh did I blow it I was back on Meth all over again and this was really bad because I was on Probation. Well some how God protected me over the next several years until my health got really bad and I had to move home because I was almost bed ridden. That is when I started to get clean again and was connected with God again and was a good path I was healthy after 6 months working going to church seperated from the xwife though everything was going good for me. Then I thought I was ready but wasn't the xwife wanted to get back together and needed help so I helped her got back together went several more months until it came crashing down again relapse God gone heII was back so after several months it wasn't working were we where at so we moved up too MN stayed with aunt for awhile got clean was great for year and a half clean working awsome God was back. Then moved out and was ok for a few months and all of a sudden like night and day the drugs were back and he was shortly gone again we moved to PA were he really wasn't and the drug addiction just got out of control. That is when I said ENOUGH!!! I came home I came home to family and God was there. I guess the whole point to all of this this viscouse cycle is God was always there to help me pick up the pieces. God doesn't judge me. God isnt ashamed of me. God has always found some way to get me back on the good and righteous path. It has been painful but God has a plan somewere in my experiences to allow me to do something great. I don not know what it is yet. But I am starting to be aware of his plans for me. Thankyou for listening I really appreciat it. __________________ Life Is A Gift , Not a Given Right! Why wait till tomorrow to get clean when you can start Today!

10-13-2009, 05:11 PM	#2 (permalink)
ashleek FREAKING AWESOME! Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Paris KY Posts: 255 Blog Entries: 1	Let me just say you are amazing! I always love reading your stuff cause we are so much a like. When I was getting sober I felt like I couldn't find God, I had so lost it and I struggled my first few days with it. Everytime I said the serenity prayer I would just lose it and cry like a baby. I think I still struggle with it, so you are lucky! I am taking baby steps right now. I pray once in awhile but I am trying to focus on me right now and take baby steps to finding a God again. When you said you wanted to fix your wife. I am one of those people, I love the fixer uper's but you can't fix anyone. I learned that quickly. People don't like to change, of course when it is drugs or something of that nature we sometimes think we can fix others but we know that isn't possible either. I just wanted to say that I am that person too. I always wanna fix people. Maybe you should go into Social Work! That's what I am going to school for, you seem to have the personality for it. Maybe that is your calling, to help others. __________________ I will not bow, I will not break, I will shed the world away, I will not fall, I will not fade, I will take your breath away ~ Breaking Benjamin You can stand under my Umbrella, ElLa, Ella, ELLa ~The beautiful Rihanna

10-13-2009, 06:06 PM	#4 (permalink)
xpartyeee Reborn in Sobriety! Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: My safe place NW burbs, IL (Chicago) Posts: 35	Thanks... The time when my soon to be x-wife and I split up there first time it hurt like HEII. I wanted nothing more to get back with her save her protect her shelter her. Ya know the things a good caring person does when they love somone. The problem is she couldn't and really never loved me back. She said she does or did or whatever but she cant. She is one of those if it benefits me at the moment types of people. A person that sacrifices for her not for anyone else. What is good for her in the moment is all that matters. This time that it is over again I look at it different and I am amazed. YEs it still hurts because when I care for someone its uncoditional I don't expect anything in return you would like it but ultimately you are there for them. I helped her try to be a better person try to change her life and allowed myself to get into bad things. Its not her fault it can never be anyones fault I put the needle in my arm I put the pipe in my mouth I put the powder in my nose. But at the same time when I was strong for her she wouldn't be strong for me and that is like throwing gasoline on a fire with 2 addicts. I am at the point were I know that I did more for her then probably anyone will ever do. I did more for here then her family more for her then any friend I was there in good and bad. So I have come to peace and did my duty. I gave it my best and she didn't want it. Its sad to say she id going to end up messed up in a bad place dead or in jail. You are right people don't change for others they usually dont even change for themselves. I am a little messed up from it though it was the longest relationship I have had all of my adult life. since I neglected every other relationship I am at a battle with my heart and mind. I feel sometimes like that is the way it is supposed to be that is what love is because that is what I have learned and experienced and then I think I wont be able to find someone else I wont be able to find someone that will want to care about. Really depressing nonsence. Then my heart kicks in and says YOUR NUTS your a great person look at how you think about others look at your feeling your thoughts your emotions look at how you cared for someone close to 9-10 years that made an effort to hold you back kick you down hurt you look at how you kept getting up. My heart says you are a wonderful person and anyone should be thankful to be with you. So see it is sort of a Crazy battle between concious unconcious and heart. The HEART is definately starting to WIN!!!! On that note to just to recap another thought that is why people on here are so awsome because they are changing and that is so hard to do. To change your life and make that commitment is special and rare. What a magical thing. Social work would be cool I like motivational speaking I think that is why I am really good with sales and people. Well thankyou as always and I hope you and your family are doing well that is a great thing too! __________________ Life Is A Gift , Not a Given Right! Why wait till tomorrow to get clean when you can start Today!

10-13-2009, 06:10 PM	#5 (permalink)
xpartyeee Reborn in Sobriety! Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: My safe place NW burbs, IL (Chicago) Posts: 35	to hurrican... that is way cool. To think you were drawn to my post in that way. I believe all things are as God wills it. Is amazing. That is special! Thankyou for sharing that. I am not great with versus. So please post more if you like they are awlys cool! on another note I went to communion for the first time in 4 years and have never felt so clean or blessed ever in my life it was another amazing feeling of many that I have had lately that have touched my soul!!! Just thought I would share that. (A note to non spiritual and spiritual non denomination or others these are my beliefs in no way am I trying to pass these on or influence you in any way I am just sharing to give others who may believe or who have lost there way like I have so many times that at least in my life God is watching and planning and if you do want him in your life he will be there Just Ask!) __________________ Life Is A Gift , Not a Given Right! Why wait till tomorrow to get clean when you can start Today!

10-13-2009, 06:36 PM	#6 (permalink)
*cmc* Community Greeter Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: FL Posts: 14,238	Hi xpartyee and welcome to Christians In Recovery. Thanks for sharing your story. __________________ We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them. ~Albert Einstein

10-13-2009, 05:52 PM	#3 (permalink)
Hurricane Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Missouri Posts: 307	For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ( Jeremiah 29:11 ) I have been asking God his plan for me my whole life, 9 years ago I finaly realized my drinking was not part of his plan. (I really thought it was) This morning I was praying with frustration of not knowing Gods plan for my life and feeling I am not being used by him enough. After praying I went to biblegateway and saw the above verse, then a song come on the radio saying "Jesus has a plan for you". Tonight I read your post. Yep, I would say he has a plan , maybe tomorrow I will just see what his plan is for tomorrow. 2 Corinthians 6:14

10-14-2009, 06:01 AM	#7 (permalink)
rayofsunshine Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach! Posts: 1,416	Hi xpartee... Thank you for sharing your testimony. A good reminder that our God is always there... he never leaves us. Sometimes we want to do things "our" way, and we sometimes get out of touch with him. God's promise is for you: "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5) May the God of comfort and peace be your daily strength according to His promise in Isaiah 41:10, which states: "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Congratulations on your clean time! __________________ Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change! Never allow someone to be a priority to you when you are just an option to them.........

10-14-2009, 08:14 AM	#9 (permalink)
ashleek FREAKING AWESOME! Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Paris KY Posts: 255 Blog Entries: 1	You know I have been taught this stuff my entire life. God never gives you more than you can handle, he will never leave you, ask for forgiveness.....and I do believe. I had lost the faith and that is slowly coming back to me. Do I want to go to church, NO. But do I want to have God in my life, YES. I really yearn for that in my life. It is slowly coming back to me. I used to be big in church and went to concerts and conventions, I know God is there I guess maybe it's me that is wanting him in my life but I just can't find him. Maybe I'm not ready. I don't know, maybe I'm too lazy to see him. __________________ I will not bow, I will not break, I will shed the world away, I will not fall, I will not fade, I will take your breath away ~ Breaking Benjamin You can stand under my Umbrella, ElLa, Ella, ELLa ~The beautiful Rihanna

10-14-2009, 06:25 PM	#10 (permalink)
xpartyeee Reborn in Sobriety! Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: My safe place NW burbs, IL (Chicago) Posts: 35	I don't think God leaves anyone. I think God is like when you are going on a long trip. You are there driving along sittin next to each other sometimes you talk sometime you turn on the radio and you can't hear him cause its loud but then smack you get into an accident and God is the one that calls the ambulance pulls you out of the burning car holds your hand on the way to the hospital sits in the hospital making sure you are ok then when you are ready to leave on the drive home you talk and turn the radio back on. My point God is the one that loves you unconditionally even at times when you don;t want to hear him. He will always be there he will always help you and give you strength but most of all with your faith you can turn off the radio when you want to and he will listen and be there. God is awsome like that He doesn't judge he doesn't hold grudges He is great and there for you. I was lost for so long many times. Remember God is sort of like the path of recovery you may fall off the path here and there but as long as you get back on everything will be ok! It just depends if you want to be on the path but the path will always be there. Thankyou for sharing that I know from experience sometimes talking about spirituality could be difficult not saying that it is for you. Sometims I feel like I should refrain weird from some of the other things I have posted about myself but then I get that thought again wow why would I ever want to hide my faith?? It is what helps move me, it gives me strength and protects me. So my faith is my faith and I love it! __________________ Life Is A Gift , Not a Given Right! Why wait till tomorrow to get clean when you can start Today!

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