Not mad at me, after all.

[thirtybubba]

Right or wrong, I've been thought God was upset with me. For many years now, I have tried to live as best as I think He wants me to live, and prayed often hoping for forgiveness, but it has been hard with the burden of addiction. I can only do my best and hope for His mercy, yet since I was a child I have been doubtful of my fate, ever since the first time I went behind my own father's back and got drunk with my cousins. Twenty years of guilt and worse, the knowledge that He knows. I cannot hide my shame from Him like the three of us hid up in that loft. It hangs over like an inescapable Something that I have to deal with, like I have to deal with a lot of other things in this free life.

Today for the first time in a couple of years I stepped foot back into a church. I had slowly over time become almost terrified to enter a sacred building, as the requirements of addiction took stronger root over my life. Something of my childhood had came out, I guess, I remember being scared to go to Sunday school almost every week because that week I had done some of the things that the teacher had mentioned might send me to Hell. It wasn't Hell I feared so much back then, it was the thought that God would 'smite' me with lightning bolts if I crossed the threshhold (and presumably next, Hell). I was a child.

But now I am grown, and more and more concerned with where I'm headed. I was sinning every day and although I did not like it, I did not stop either. I guess now I've learned that maybe I couldn't have stopped, but that's not how I saw it then. I could not bear to look upon that crucifix behind the altar, I was a hypocrite and I knew it—and I knew that God knew it too. One day, I will be judged, and I can not still say which way, even if I never touch a drop of alcohol again. All I can do is try, and already I know it is far easier to do right than wrong. I learned that years ago and forgot to include the bottle in the many things I gave up.

And then today I went to church. I had nine days (now ten) sober, not over a lot of the withdrawals especially from the clonidine, but I went anyways. It was a modern church, but still I could feel the presence of the Lord in the air somehow. I wasn't used to the new way of mass, but it wasn't hard to pick back up, and I was starting to relax by the time the lady stepped to the podium to read the first Scripture. And my blood froze.

The reading was 1Kings 19:3-9 (I don't know how to get all that on here, sorry), part of the story of Elijah. He is running scared and goes out into the desert. There, he prays to the Lord that he might die. Because “I am no better than my ancestors,” he said. So much like me, who comes from a family of addicts and addicts before them, have succumbed even though my brothers and sisters and cousins all swore as children and teenagers that we would be nothing like our parents. I am truly no better than my ancestors.

So, then Elijah slept and an angel touched him and gave him food and water and told him to eat. I think that would be the doctor who, asking me about my reluctance to have a blood sugar test ( ! I would have been off the charts), found out about the drinking and, even though I had gone to see her for something else, she prescribed me pills to help me withdraw. By that time I had become convinced that I'd always be like that, at least until I made enough money/ had a health plan that would really cover rehab. I had given up, although I wasn't suicidal in the conventional sense, only in the sense that drinking that much all the time would probably have killed me and I knew that. Two weeks later, staring at the pill bottle, I decided to give them a try.

Then (back to the Bible), Elijah fell asleep again and the angel went back and touched him. “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you,” the angel said. This time that angel would be SR. Pushing me along repeatedly when I honestly feel like just calling my recovery a day and figuring that it gave my body a little time to recover. Now I wonder at the forty days he walked, and hope that's not all I get this round of sobriety, but who am I to say that's even what it might mean? I probably won't even see it till forty days from now. I don't know, but for that to be the first reading? The Bible contains a lot of verses. That was spooky. Gave me goose pimples.

Yeah, God moves in mysterious ways. I guess He's not mad at me after all.

(Everybody was telling me that anyways, I just figured they didn't know the whole story.)

[jamdls]

Good post thirtybubba, gave me chills. I too stayed away from the church for decades because "I wasn't worthy". In the past 2 years I've learned the meaning of forgiveness and it is awesome. The Trinity, the 'big book' aka The Bible, and prayer have been what saved my life and kept me sober.

[cmc]

Congrats on your ten days!

I'm careful to separate how Jesus saved my soul, which is a done deal; from how I may grow and change along the way in my walk with God. He continues to 'save me' in the matters of this life. That continual spiritual growth and change is key to my recovery.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13

It's wonderful to hear how you are growing closer to God and being blessed as you return to your church.

I see no hypocrisy in seeking God, regardless of where I am or what I'm doing- His love & mercy never fails. "The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning...." Lamentations 3: 22-23.

[NewBeginning010]

That was beautiful to read TB, thank you

One Night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonged to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you you'd walk with me all the way, but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me." The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

[IO Storm]

Wow.

Beautiful post, tb...

Another example of how God reaches us in our situations..at the "point of our need."

And..at just the right time.

Prayers for the rest of your journey..

[thirtybubba]

Thank y'all, and



Prayers appreciated

[rayofsunshine]

:praying

Thrity Bubba, Adding my prayers for you.

Your journey reminds me of one of my favorite verses...

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. - 1 John 1:9 (King James Version)

[IO Storm]

Continued prayers tb...

You know...I've been thinking about you, and your post.

I thought God had "forgotten" about me, and had abandoned me...so I escaped my pain

and disillusionment and made alcohol, pills, gambling, and relationships (bad ones)..

my god. Then..I, too felt I had gone too far, and that He was angry with me, too. But

nothing is too hard for God.

One of favorite "old" hymns says it best..

"Thou changest not, Thy compassions..they fail not"

This is my favorite story..in the Bible.

Thought you might like it too.


Luke 15:11-32 (New International Version)

The Parable of the Lost Son

11 Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to

his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between

them.

13"Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant

country and there squandered his wealth in wild living.14 After he had spent everything,

there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he

went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to

feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but

no one gave him anything.

17 "When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have

food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18I will set out and go back to my

father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no

longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' 20 So he got

up and went to his father.

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with

compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21 "The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am

no longer worthy to be called your son.

22 "But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him.

Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's

have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he

was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.

25 "Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard

music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going

on. 27 'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf

because he has him back safe and sound.'

28 "The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and

pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving

for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so

I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered

your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'

31" 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.

32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is

alive again; he was lost and is found.' "
---------------------------------------

This never fails to make me cry.

[thirtybubba]

Strangely, I was fighting to keep a tear in my eye by the end as I was reading it. Yeah, I remember that one.

I guess it's not so strange. The Prodigal Son, my father calls me the Prodigal Daughter.

I'm thousands of miles from home, didn't take anything with me except my hands and my laughter, which I guess is something. On the other hand, there were things I needed to leave behind, at least long enough to understand the situation better to be able to deal with it. Unfortunately, I left a lot more behind, and that's not being replaced here. How many nights have I stayed awake wondering if coming here was the right decision. I'm not really ambitious or anything, I mean I'll get the work done that needs to be done, but my goals are fairly simple.

On the other hand, I only have a year to go.

Man, after slipping, I have so much to think about. I'm kinda tired now, so I'll just put it here. Can anybody recommend me verses for post-messing-up days? It's not really in the concordance... Yeah, I looked.

Oh, and I stayed far away from the prostitutes. Not really my thing...

[IO Storm]

I'm a Prodigal Daughter too! Just wanted you to know.



On the top of the forum..there are Bible verses posted. You might want to read these.

[IO Storm]

And another great resource..at the top of this forum, is ..

"Please read for Inspiration"

I posted this verse yesterday... it is a favorite.

Jeremiah 32:27
Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for Me?

[thirtybubba]

Thanks. I probably should have looked around more, but between the guilt and the emotions from the other incidents of the day, I was pretty much on a single track.

I imagine on these here forums we are in the company of a lot of our Prodigal Sisters... and Brothers.

[IO Storm]

An army of believers have come home here, tb.

Never let the enemy tell you, " you are the only one."

You are in good company..and have lot of friends here now who fell just as hard

and went as far as you did. I probably did.

But the beauty of it..is, Jesus would have come to the earth and died for you...

if you had been..the only one.

Amazing grace.