How do you deal with..

[Yesterdaysnumb]

Skepticism from your family and friends? Everyone is so negative and I want to know if you guys had to deal with it from family and friends that witnessed firsthand what you've been through?

[CAPTAINZING2000]

friends you can change, family on the other hand, you're stuck with

YOUR SIDE OF THE FAMILY OR, THE HUBBY'S SIDE?

My guess, they didn't see your husband at his worse like you did or, did they??

[Yesterdaysnumb]

Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000

friends you can change, family on the other hand, you're stuck with

YOUR SIDE OF THE FAMILY OR, THE HUBBY'S SIDE?

My guess, they didn't see your husband at his worse like you did or, did they??

Yeah.. my family's side. They've witnessed the worst, but never the best.

[Angelic17]

Originally Posted by Yesterdaysnumb

Skepticism from your family and friends? Everyone is so negative and I want to know if you guys had to deal with it from family and friends that witnessed firsthand what you've been through?

Yesterday, Your family is skeptical because they don't trust. Maybe they know enough about addiction to understand that it is a chronic disease, that is always subject to relapse. It's up to your husband to prove them all wrong. I have been through this with my son in the beginning of his addiction.
I thought that he was going to be fine, and that he wasn't manipulating me.
My husband knew that he was manipulating, and he was very skeptical, and still is. Your powerless over this. It's up to him, and only him to prove all of the skeptics wrong. I sure hope he does. Give your troubles to GOD. How is your husband doing? I hope he is doing well. Thanks for posting.

[Yesterdaysnumb]

I know that he has to prove them wrong. And I'm not asking them to support him. I'm just asking them to stop coming to me with the negativity.

Example:

My mother calls

Mother: So did CJ gain weight since he's been in rehab?

Me: Yeah

Mother: Yeah, that's what happens when you not getting high. But I'm sure he'll start losing weight again.

Me: (nothing) I'll call you later.

It's irritating

[cmc]

It's really none of anybody's business but I do understand how I would feel if you were my daughter, knowing all that you've experienced because of his choices.
I decided that there are some people who will never know these personal details but for those who unavoidably do know, I have to detach myself from their opinions, refuse to listen to hurtful or negative words and rely on people that I know I can trust to offer me unconditional support.

Many years ago I was briefly in a position where my parents knew of some trouble going on in my home when my hubby had a slip after his brother died. I was ready to take the kids and leave. My folks were wonderful about it, kind & understanding without bailing either of us out nor taking sides. This all lasted for less than a weekend but once we had resolved things- my parents treated him as if it had never happened. Only one other person, an older friend who spoke with my hubby, besides my parents ever knew of it.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Hugs

I admire you for going through this with your hubby. There has to be qualities in him that, make him worth the effort.

[Angelic17]

Yesterday, You can very nicely tell your mom. I love you mom. Your a great mom, and I know your worried that CJ might relapse. But, please. For now, if you don't have anything positive to say about CJ's recovery. Please don't say anything at all. I'm sorry mom, but this has been very hard on me. I love my husband enough to try to help him through this, and I wont turn my back on him in his time of need. At least he is working on his recovery. Some people never do. I know you love me and want the best for me, but negativity causes me stress and anger. Thanks mom, I love you.

I don't know your mom, or your relationship with her.
I'm thinking she feels that he is not a good husband
because of his addictions. Moms are just that way.
The best person in the world is not good enough
for her baby. But, you can tell her very nicely how you feel.

Let me know how you make out.
I've been praying for CJ and he will
be alright. God Bless You, your a good woman
and CJ is a lucky guy.

[Yesterdaysnumb]

Thanks everyone. I guess, they are pretty good at NOT being codependants or enablers huh?

I try not to let it bother me. But it does. And I know that they know it does. They laugh at me and they laugh behind my back for me being so stupid and go through this. They shun me and make me feel as though I'm doing this to myself. But I just need to stay encouraged... and encourage myself!

[cmc]

Thanks everyone. I guess, they are pretty good at NOT being codependants or enablers huh?

No it's not. Actually, their behavior is classic codependent; controlling, intrusive and showing disdain when you don't do what they think you should.

My family of origin is full of codependency but ours never acted out with the outright rudeness that you describe. We were civil and loving to each other, which makes it in some ways more subtle yet...still extremely controlling.

I'm grateful for the times when I'm on the receiving end of that behavior because it's a good reminder for me about what I did and how I am now. It's very degrading to be (constantly) 'told' that I don't know what I'm doing...and that I need someone better or smarter to 'help me' figure things out.

[Yesterdaysnumb]

Originally Posted by cmc

No it's not. Actually, their behavior is classic codependent; controlling, intrusive and showing disdain when you don't do what they think you should.

My family of origin is full of codependency but ours never acted out with the outright rudeness that you describe. We were civil and loving to each other, which makes it in some ways more subtle yet...still extremely controlling.

I'm grateful for the times when I'm on the receiving end of that behavior because it's a good reminder for me about what I did and how I am now. It's very degrading to be (constantly) 'told' that I don't know what I'm doing...and that I need someone better or smarter to 'help me' figure things out.

Yeah. I guess I hadn't thought about it that way. I guess my family has always been like this. I remember when I got pregnant with my son when I was 18. My brother came to me and wanted me to get an abortion. He said, "You know our family always wanted you to fail. Why would you give them the satisfaction of knowing that you failed?" It's really sad that we always had to think that way. My parents want me to grovel at their feet and say "I yield, I yield. You're right. I'm wrong. Can me and the kids come move in the basement so you can constantly remind me of my failures in life?" They want to be the only reason that I succeed. Therefore, they're willing to help "only if he isn't there".

I feel really bad about it. Maybe I should talk to them about it?? Or should I just pray on it and leave it alone.

[Yesterdaysnumb]

This is the email that my dad sent to me. I sent him an email yesterday asking him to help me with rent because I had to take a lot of time off work when my husband went to rehab. This was his reply:

"I was off yesterday. I know you have a million excuses on why you took
time off (but I told you not to take time off from work). I don't mind
helping you and the kids with pampers, food and milk, I even put gas in
your car over the weekend didn't even tell you ($30.00).

CJ should ask his dad and mom for the money....let him step up. Or CJ
can ask to work for your landlord to work off the 200.00 you're short. I
don't have it.

I heard CJ is giving excuses why he didn't even finish the program
(There's No EXCUSES) he can't even help himself. Look at his "whole
entire life" everything around him...he's only known and practiced one
way of living. You have to think about your three kids lives, what kind
of life do you want for them? (for you) Is it in CJ to give them (and
you) that?

I want to see you successful, success is not easily achieved. Very hard
decisions has to made. Look at your life since CJ has stepped into
it....

Love you,

Your Dad"



I almost didn't even read the email... because it's just so fustrating. If he can't help me then he just can say that he can't.... I don't understand. Maybe it's not for me to understand. But it does make things harder when I always have to hear and read this....

[cmc]

they're willing to help "only if he isn't there".

This is his boundary and he has every right to it, just as you have every right to live your own life-however...your parents are providing for your needs and your AH isn't. I would probably do exactly the same as your dad.

Knowing more details about how you are living sheds more light on things.

"I was off yesterday. I know you have a million excuses on why you took
time off (but I told you not to take time off from work). I don't mind
helping you and the kids with pampers, food and milk, I even put gas in
your car over the weekend didn't even tell you ($30.00).

CJ should ask his dad and mom for the money....let him step up. Or CJ
can ask to work for your landlord to work off the 200.00 you're short. I
don't have it.

So it's okay for you to take a day off and let dad pay the bill; for your H to ruin your finances and for your dad to bail you out? I'm not judging you, just bringing to your attention what is.

If someone gives me a gift, that's not the same as if they are helping me to support my family. If I am willing to accept that ongoing support- then I am subject to their terms. That's life.

I've been there before and have decided to cut those ties and take care of things for myself-to cut those strings and be independent. I've also 'been there' on the side as a parent- and I refuse to help pay for things for my adult kids when I see that they are not making wise choices about money or their life---_that_ would be enabling.

The main thing here is that _you_ are in trouble and I don't see _you_ taking steps to take care of yourself and the kids on your own steam. This is what you would learn to do if you attended f2f meetings-or spoke with someone at women's shelter.

Your H has shown you time and again that not only is he unreliable as a husband and father- but now you can't provide for the kids' needs or keep up with your bills.

You've had lots of suggestions and yet...now that your H is due home soon...what has changed? I hope you can figure things out before they get much worse.

:praying

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Tough call to make

I help my kids when, it's not a drug or alcohol related thing. I want that experience to be really painful for them.

As far as work, I'd only take off if, you were sick or, the kids were sick. Making sure, your kids and you have a roof over your head and are fed is a top priority

[Yesterdaysnumb]

Ok just to shed some background.

I kicked my husband out of our home the day before he went to rehab. When I kicked my husband out. I had no one to take my children to school or to pick them up from school. So I had no choice but to take off work FOR A WHOLE WEEK. I had to set up before and after care for the children. Then I had two court dates for custody for my stepson. I called my parents everyday and asked them if they can help with picking up or dropping off my children and they repeatedly said no. Plus, when I kicked my husband out he took the money with him. I had no groceries. And I had no money for gas. I didn't ask them for anything at all. I've NEVER and I sincerely mean NEVER asked them for anything at all. Ever. My mother knew the situation that I was in and told me to ask my dad. Believe me. I didn't want to. But for the first time... I did.

I took a lot of steps in detaching from my husband. But it's hard when I don't have any support when he's there or when he's not there.

Remember when I told you guys that I have no help? And you guys (some of you guys) talked about how I should be going to meetings and asking people to help me etc. Remember when I said that I always seem to have to go back to my husband because even though he does a lot of bad he's there when I need him? This is why it's hard for me to leave. Because even if he's not there. (as he isn't right now) My family still isn't willing to help me. I'm not an addict, I'm not an alcoholic so why punish me for my marital status?

My point here is this, I am a mother of four kids. I only have one income. I can't get assistance from the county. Now that he went to rehab, he doesn't have any income coming in. I'm trying to do this by myself. I really am. And it's hard. I don't want to ask anyone for help. Do you know how hard that is for me to do that? I've sat in my home for a week with no electricity because I had no money for it. And I sill didn't ask anyone for help. Some people say it's pride but it's not. I know they're position. And like you said CMC it's their right for their boundary to be such. I've had to take care of myself for a long time. It's not easy. It never is. But I'm still here and living and thriving. And so are my children. By the grace of God.

I just don't want people to help me if my marital status changes. I'm raising they're grandchildren. And if their grandchildren starve or go without because they're father is in rehab and they're mother can't afford food because she's had to take off work to take them to school... that's really sad. Especially if there were something they could've done to help.

[rayofsunshine]

Yesterdaysnumb, I know how you feel being in the midst of CJ's addiction and him not finishing rehab and you having all the responsibilities and bills yourself. You need and want people to help but most likely it's not gonna happen..... this is where CJ does need to step up to the plate and take responsibility or YOU are going to have to have a plan B. If no one helps with rent and CJ doesn't do anything to help... what are your plans?

I honestly know the helpless feeling. Having no one help and my AH not helping with bills has been very tough. Now that I'm on the other side somewhat... I do see how others paying my bills would have just been enabling my AH further. Because if everyone else if taking care of bills/responsibilites... what reason would the addict have to change?

Sending HUGS and PRAYERS that the Lord will lead you through this and give you wisdom in each decision you make.

[Yesterdaysnumb]

Originally Posted by cmc

The main thing here is that _you_ are in trouble and I don't see _you_ taking steps to take care of yourself and the kids on your own steam. This is what you would learn to do if you attended f2f meetings-or spoke with someone at women's shelter.

I've taken lots of steps.

1. I kicked my husband out and told him that he needs to go to rehab.

2. I took care of four kids independently for almost a month. One of which I didn't birth.

3. I've gone to two Alanon meetings. (it may not seem like a lot but to me, it is)

4. I've managed to work 9 hr days, come home, cook, clean, help my children with homework, bathe them, feed them, and put them all to bed. And then I woke up 5 times a day at 5:15 am to do it all over again.

5. I've kept each boundary I've placed so far.

6. I've set up before and after care for each of my children and enrolled them in summer camp.

7. I've managed to set time up for myself to have "me" time.

I can't think of anything else right now. Because I've been so independant for so long that sometimes it's difficult to recognize things that I'm so used to doing. But I certaintly don't depend on anyone but God. I do want my marriage to work. But even if it doesn't... I'd still do everything you see on my list.

[Yesterdaysnumb]

Originally Posted by cmc

So it's okay for you to take a day off and let dad pay the bill; for your H to ruin your finances and for your dad to bail you out?

No it's not ok. I just know that sometimes when people need help, they ask people for help. Especially if it's family. I just know now that I can't ask for help anymore. But I know that it's not okay. I'm just going through a hard time financially right now.

[Yesterdaysnumb]

Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000

As far as work, I'd only take off if, you were sick or, the kids were sick. Making sure, your kids and you have a roof over your head and are fed is a top priority

Yeah. My manager talked to me the other day and said. "I know you haven't taken a day off in almost a year. So these past few weeks aren't normal for you." So I had to tell him what was going on. I've worked here for almost 8 years. I have a really good job. I always came to work. Never late. Never called off. (almost never) But now... it's much harder to keep that up.

[cmc]

I'm not an alcoholic so why punish me for my marital status?

Who is punishing you? Being dependent on someone who's not responsible is still your choice. I'm so saddened for you and the kids to be in such need of basic provision.

There is help available for women in your situation- you may not want that but it might just come down to accepting far worse if you wait for things to get worse than they are now. Who knows if by some turn of events these issues may be resolved- but even if they are...do you want to get this close to point you're at now ever again?

You are fighting to get custody of his son right? The money goes only so far right? Unless he or his parents are willing to offer some real support what will you do? And...if you take your H back and he continues as he has been...what will you do then?

The reason I ask the hard questions is because there is no better time than the present to take stock, find some solutions and prepare yourself in a way that will keep you and the kids sheltered, fed and cared for. Your H has provided none of that...so it will be up to you to seek the Lord's help and be willing to receive that help.

There are loads of people....mostly women... like those in FFA who have been able to take on these responsiblities and have thrived. If you don't meet with others who know the ropes of being basically a single parent spouse of an A....I don't know of any other way to help you out, because I have no personal experience in that area.

That movie many of us have seen where the costar says "Show me the money." comes to mind...and I hope that once your H gets out of rehab that he will start to get his priorities straight and begin to take care of business. Either way, it is wise for you to work towards being independent of his income and help.

[Yesterdaysnumb]

Originally Posted by cmc

Who is punishing you? Being dependent on someone who's not responsible is still your choice. I'm so saddened for you and the kids to be in such need of basic provision.

There is help available for women in your situation- you may not want that but it might just come down to accepting far worse if you wait for things to get worse than they are now. Who knows if by some turn of events these issues may be resolved- but even if they are...do you want to get this close to point you're at now ever again?

You are fighting to get custody of his son right? The money goes only so far right? Unless he or his parents are willing to offer some real support what will you do? And...if you take your H back and he continues as he has been...what will you do then?

The reason I ask the hard questions is because there is no better time than the present to take stock, find some solutions and prepare yourself in a way that will keep you and the kids sheltered, fed and cared for. Your H has provided none of that...so it will be up to you to seek the Lord's help and be willing to receive that help.

There are loads of people....mostly women... like those in FFA who have been able to take on these responsiblities and have thrived. If you don't meet with others who know the ropes of being basically a single parent spouse of an A....I don't know of any other way to help you out, because I have no personal experience in that area.

That movie many of us have seen where the costar says "Show me the money." comes to mind...and I hope that once your H gets out of rehab that he will start to get his priorities straight and begin to take care of business. Either way, it is wise for you to work towards being independent of his income and help.

I'm not dependant on him. I think that may be where you might be misunderstanding me. For years me and my husband built this life together. We got married, we bought a house, we had kids the whole thing. And when I found out about the drugs. It took a while for me to wake up and leave. And I did leave. I did. And I've been keeping my boundaries. So now, I'm just living. Living, hoping and praying that things get better for me, him, and us.

[Yesterdaysnumb]

Originally Posted by rayofsunshine

Yesterdaysnumb, I know how you feel being in the midst of CJ's addiction and him not finishing rehab and you having all the responsibilities and bills yourself. You need and want people to help but most likely it's not gonna happen..... this is where CJ does need to step up to the plate and take responsibility or YOU are going to have to have a plan B. If no one helps with rent and CJ doesn't do anything to help... what are your plans?

I honestly know the helpless feeling. Having no one help and my AH not helping with bills has been very tough. Now that I'm on the other side somewhat... I do see how others paying my bills would have just been enabling my AH further. Because if everyone else if taking care of bills/responsibilites... what reason would the addict have to change?

Sending HUGS and PRAYERS that the Lord will lead you through this and give you wisdom in each decision you make.

Thanks. I understand what you're saying completely. I'm glad that you got through what you went through so you can serve as a testimony to other that it does get better eventually.

If no one is there to help me. And he's not there to help me. And I can't help myself. I can only trust God and continue doing what's right. It's hard. I know. But, greater is He that's in me than He that's in the world. My issue isn't that they're not helping me though. (I mean, that hurts too. But not as bad.) My issue is the way that everyone shuns me and the children as though it's our fault. Me and my husband built this family. And it's hard to keep my family going by myself. If they won't help. They won't. There's nothing I can do about that.

You mentioned that if they help me. They'd be enabling the alcoholic. I disagree. I believe that by them not helping me, it drives me to the alcoholic for help more often. I know that I would've had the strength to leave a long time ago if I had the physical and emotional support of my family behind me. Instead they chose to close me out of their lives for being in the situation that I'm in. But I didn't choose this life. I chose to love and marry a man that I thought was a sober man.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Let's pray after he gets out, your husband proves them wrong.

[cmc]

gas in
your car over the weekend didn't even tell you ($30.00).....

CJ should ask his dad and mom for the money....let him step up. Or CJ
can ask to work for your landlord to work off the 200.00 you're short.
I want to see you successful, success is not easily achieved. Very hard
decisions has to made. Look at your life since CJ has stepped into
it....
Love you,

Your Dad"/

Your dad is calling things as they are. Look at just some of the things you have described in this thread alone---not to mention the whole story.

I had no groceries. And I had no money for gas....
I've sat in my home for a week with no electricity because I had no money for it.... if their grandchildren starve or go without because they're father is in rehab and they're mother can't afford food..... And I can't help myself.....

Yet you say...

But I'm still here and living and thriving. And so are my children....

None of this is your parents fault. It's your husband's doing. These are but a few of the lingering effects of bad choices and an active disease that destroys families and individuals.

You mentioned that if they help me. They'd be enabling the alcoholic. I disagree. I believe that by them not helping me, it drives me to the alcoholic for help more often. I know that I would've had the strength to leave a long time ago if I had the physical and emotional support of my family behind me. Instead they chose to close me out of their lives for being in the situation that I'm in. But I didn't choose this life.

It is enabling...when I do something for someone that they can and should do for themself. Nobody can 'drive' me anywhere I don't want to go. Your children don't have that option.

I too, hope that once your H gets back that things will be different-you deserve a whole lot better than this.

[Angelic17]

Yesterday, All I can say is my heart goes out to you. If I were your mom or your dad, I would help you. Your husbands problems, days off of work, whatever, got you into this situation is neither here nor there. Put it all on the side. Blaming is not the answer. There are 4 innocent children involved. When a family member falls on hard times, other family members should help out a bit. Maybe your mom and dad have their reasons, but if they have the means, and they see your husband is at least trying, they should help. I know I would. I'm just praying that your husband finds that strength deep down inside of himself to stay clean, and be a better husband and father. When my older brother fell on hard times, and had to go away for a while. Calvary church helped his wife and children. They wrote her a monthly check for rent and bills. I thought that was amazing. Now many years later, my brother and his family still attend Calvary faithfully. They have given back over and over. That's the real Christian way. Alot of people judge drug addicts out of ignorance and the moral stigma. They feel because the addiction is self inflicted, that it can be helped. Addiction is a disease. Not a moral issue. They just don't understand that he is sick. A real christian knows that only GOD is the judge. I'm sorry that your going through this, and I know that everything is going to be alright. But, I sure hope you have another plan, incase CJ isn't strong enough to do the right thing. Addiction is resistant to treatment and subject to relapse. Keep on praying. God says if money is your problem, that you don't have a problem.
Everything will fall into place if CJ stays clean. If he doesn't WHAT WILL YOU DO? You do need a back up plan. It's obvious that the family will not help. And the economy is horrible, however, this is America, and your children certainly won't go hungry. God will provide for you and your children. When one door closes another opens. Hang on, Better days are coming.