To Forgive or to Blame

[cmc]

You are reading the daily devotional from In Touch Ministries.


READ | Colossians 3:12-17

It’s not my fault” is a prevalent attitude in our culture. To avoid responsibility for their own actions, people blame others: “I wouldn’t yell at my kids so much if my own mother had loved me more” or “I wouldn’t speak unkindly about my boss if he showed me some respect.” Resentment wells up until the victim is blind to everything except how his life is impacted by someone else’s hurtful deeds. Then casting blame is easy. But God has a challenge for believers: Forgive those who wound you.

The Lord’s Prayer mentions several of God’s duties but lists only one for believers: to forgive debtors (Matt. 6:12). The metaphor of debt describes sin well. A wronged person often feels that the responsible party owes something, such as an apology or compensation. But by showing mercy to one who has sinned, you stamp his or her obligation to you “paid in full.” Reparations and retribution are no longer required.

Sometimes our wounds are so deep that forgiveness does not come easily. Remember that Jesus bears the scars of others’ sins, too, and His Holy Spirit enables believers to carry out this difficult task. While your debtor may have done nothing to deserve grace, choose to give it anyway, just as Jesus did for you.

When God forgives, He remembers wrongs no more (Jer. 31:34). That doesn’t mean that a transgression magically never happened. Instead, the Lord refuses to use past wrongs as a reason to punish His people. He set the pattern of debt cancellation. For the good of our spiritual life, we must follow His example (Matt 6:15).

[toad]

good one mrs cmc............thanks for sharing. Everything is hinged on forgiveness...everything.

send some sunshine and warmth up here to the midwest.....please

66 days till spring

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Originally Posted by toad

good one mrs cmc............thanks for sharing. Everything is hinged on forgiveness...everything.

Send some sunshine and warmth up here to the midwest.....please

66 days till spring

amen on that brother

from your neighbor

in il.

[Astro]

Originally Posted by cmc

The metaphor of debt describes sin well. A wronged person often feels that the responsible party owes something, such as an apology or compensation. But by showing mercy to one who has sinned, you stamp his or her obligation to you “paid in full.” Reparations and retribution are no longer required.

Sometimes our wounds are so deep that forgiveness does not come easily. Remember that Jesus bears the scars of others’ sins, too, and His Holy Spirit enables believers to carry out this difficult task. While your debtor may have done nothing to deserve grace, choose to give it anyway, just as Jesus did for you.

When God forgives, He remembers wrongs no more (Jer. 31:34). That doesn’t mean that a transgression magically never happened. Instead, the Lord refuses to use past wrongs as a reason to punish His people.

I'd like to hear some more of your thoughts here, or please crosstalk directly and give me your advice.

This is a subject that I've struggled with for years. I've never ceased harboring a resentment towards the guy that my ex had an affair with, he's now the stepfather of my kids, I still despise him. I've come to believe that I'll never condone adultery or participating in the breakup of a family, and I feel that I don't ever have to be "OK" with him or his actions.

So how do I forgive, show mercy, and show grace? Some days it tears me up inside, just like the Big Book says......

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Ever say the Lord's prayer?

Forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who, trespass against us.

Do we expect God to forgive us when, we can't do the same for others?

I know, I'll error again and not be the good Christian I need to be. I'm glad, God is a forgiving God.

have you ever heard the saying, holding a resentment against someone is like taking poison and expecting them to die!!

The only person you hurt is you!!

[Astro]

Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000

Forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who, trespass against us.

Do we expect God to forgive us when, we can't do the same for others?

have you ever heard the saying, holding a resentment against someone is like taking poison and expecting them to die!!

The only person you hurt is you!!

I've heard the saying a thousand times and understand it well.

But I don't believe that God wants us to be a doormat for someone who is spiritually and morally ill. I can be compassionate and tolerant towards that person, but I don't have to be a part of their life.

Your thoughts?

[cmc]

'Stro.....I appreciate your honesty. I've had to struggle with this too and sometimes find myself needing to re-forgive on a regular basis. I don't have to approve or much less like someone in order to forgive them. I'm just not able to forgive _completely- like Our Lord; and I take some comfort in the fact that the Lord knows I'm trying to do the right thing.

The same blood of Jesus was shed for all...something that I need to remember; in particular, if the person I'm resentful of is also a Christian.

There are no degrees of wrong (sin) but according to the scriptures: "For all of us have become unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a filthy garment..." Isaiah 64:6

I pray that as you continue to open your heart to the Lord that you will find some freedom about the way you feel and think about this man. Like I said before...what I do is continue to re-forgive and do the necessary work with myself so that I don't have to carry a burden of resentment. I also try to keep the other person in my prayers...I hope that helps you out some!

[cmc]

But I don't believe that God wants us to be a doormat for someone who is spiritually and morally ill. I can be compassionate and tolerant towards that person, but I don't have to be a part of their life.

Your thoughts?

My thoughts are...who does this harm and to what degree to you want 'to be a part of' his life? He's an important person in the lives of your kids, any animosity you may have could possibly make a life that your kids have no choice over...more difficult. I don't know all the particulars about your situation as it is now so I'm reluctant to be more specific. I hope that I haven't overstepped by sharing my random thoughts.

....jmho....forgiveness to me does not mean to be tolerant of continued wrong.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

The Serenity Prayer
Path

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

In loving memory of
Fr Bertram Griffin -- 1932-2000
Requiescat in Pace

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6



Ever think, God might have something else in store for you?

Your ego is bruised right now.

When, I got divorced, I had to accept, we weren't right for each other. I had to toss out thinking it was because, I wasn't good looking enough, rich enough, charming etc.

If, we are a as good a person as we can be, we can't change who we are to make someone else happy. We wouldn't be true to ourselves then.

[jurneyman]

The God of my understanding has given everyone of his children on this planet a free will.
We all have the God given gift to make our own choices. Unconditional love is the purest example of allowing another human being their birthright. I don't believe that forgiving or blaming is what is happening here, it is acceptance of a situation that is not yours to control, it is realizing that you are powerless, because your x wife is not your property, and either are your children, God allows us the privilege to show his children what they need to know to become God loving responsible adults, we don't own them they are just on loan to us to raise. Something that was suggested to me in a similar situation, was do I want to feel powerless over their actions, or do I want to let them go and allow them the freedom that is theirs in the first place.

[toad]

Originally Posted by Astro

This is a subject that I've struggled with for years. I've never ceased harboring a resentment towards the guy that my ex had an affair with,

So how do I forgive, show mercy, and show grace? .[/I]

Freedom From Bondage......the next to the last story in the book Alcoholics Anonymous.

This story taught me how to forgive when I did not want to. Saved my life.

Just my experience.

[j0hn0than1964]

I believe the term "forgive and forget" is true for me or at least true enough, it is more like "forgive and forgo" with forgo more like "goforward". I feel the resentments and harboring is easy because it is comfortable and the "same old thing" we all know where that type of thinking and acting placed us. I find for me the ability to forgive allows me to keep my side of the street clean and lets me focus on the next task at hand, and yes there is always another task at or in hand.

JT

[Astro]

Originally Posted by cmc

My thoughts are...who does this harm and to what degree to you want 'to be a part of' his life? He's an important person in the lives of your kids, any animosity you may have could possibly make a life that your kids have no choice over...more difficult. I don't know all the particulars about your situation as it is now so I'm reluctant to be more specific. I hope that I haven't overstepped by sharing my random thoughts.

....jmho....forgiveness to me does not mean to be tolerant of continued wrong.

You definitely haven't overstepped cmc, I always appreciate your insight and experience.

I know that he may always be a part of my children's lives, and I'm grateful that my children are loved by as many people as possible. In the last few years I've become very careful about displaying any animosity, instead choosing to keep my distance and keeping my feelings to myself.

What I've always questioned though is whether I owe this personal a verbal amends or forgiveness, or if the proper manner to handle it would be to observe the part of Step 9 that says "except when to do so would injure them or others". In my first year of sobriety I physically injured him, using my fists rather than what I've learned in the program.

I've continually prayed over this, and naturally that's helped to some extent. So maybe I should be content with where I'm at now with this situation, and know that God will reveal more to me as I continue down my path in recovery.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

My best advice is to be the best father you can be to your kids. Visit with them when, you can.

Don't lower yourself by berating your ex or, the kids step father

Take the high road, the scenery is always better there

[Astro]

Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000

Ever think, God might have something else in store for you?

Your ego is bruised right now.

When, I got divorced, I had to accept, we weren't right for each other. I had to toss out thinking it was because, I wasn't good looking enough, rich enough, charming etc.

If, we are a as good a person as we can be, we can't change who we are to make someone else happy. We wouldn't be true to ourselves then.

Captain, I know without a doubt that God has always had something else in store for me. Those on these forums who know me also know that I'm recently engaged to a woman who works her own amazing program of recovery, we are (I feel) equally yoked and have a promising future ahead of us.

I understand that my ex and I weren't meant to be together, and while my ego may be bruised, it's the father/parent side of me that's bruised, not the former husband. Just being honest, it turns my stomach to see my kids with their stepdad. But, unless he actually does something to harm them, I do accept that he is a part of their lives.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Try seeing you ex wife, kids and her new g/f walking around!!!

[CAPTAINZING2000]

BTW

grats on the engagement

[IO Storm]

Dear Astro..

I know you know the BB..

But I so agree with what toad shared...just because it has worked for me.

I have tried the "formula" on my toughest, (and similar) resentments.

I had to.

I prayed at first for the willingness to "be" willing.

Then, God softened my heart enough to be able to pray, as I realized what mercy had

been shown to me.

And..this...does work! I was amazed.

I have printed it here for other's benefit.

"Freedom From Bondage" (They Nearly Lost All)

AA Text (excerpt)

If you have a resentment you
want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or
the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will
ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to
be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their
health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will
be free. Even when you don’t really want it for them
and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean
it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two
weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and
to want it for them, and you will realize that where
you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred,
you now feel compassionate understanding and love.”
It worked for me then, and it has worked for me
many times since, and it will work for me every time
I am willing to work it. Sometimes I have to ask first
for the willingness, but it too always comes.

[jurneyman]

IO Thank you for printing that out and Toad for bringing that lesson to me also.

[Astro]

Originally Posted by IO Storm

I have tried the "formula" on my toughest, (and similar) resentments.

I had to.

I prayed at first for the willingness to "be" willing.

Then, God softened my heart enough to be able to pray, as I realized what mercy had

been shown to me.

And..this...does work! I was amazed.

Sher, what the old-timers taught me after my pathetic attempt at an amends to my ex that earned me an assault charge and a restraining order...........

God, please bless _ _ _ _ _ _ and _ _ _ with a life beyond their wildest dreams and expectations, and let them be happy, joyous, and free.

Repeat over and over until it works, and it truly does work.

BTW, toad has shown me many lessons since I joined SR. Thank you toad

[CAPTAINZING2000]

The best way to get over it is to pray for them.

They won't change but, you will!!