Need Advice From Codies who've been there

[GoldenSilence]

So, now my addict son's druggie girlfriend has landed herself in jail, for probation violation after she ran into some guy and totaled her car, and the ofc arriving at the scene did a routine check and found a warrant out for her. Now, her parents won't bail her out, since they just footed the ticket for her last fiasco last month, her ex won't either, my son CAN'T, but now he wants me to foot the bill for her $500 bond. She has looked me in the face, lied to me, stolen from me and he wants me to bail her out? Says she's "changed". What? In the last two weeks? I don't trust either one of them yet. Trust has to be earned. I've been codie and bailed him out consistently for the last 10 to 15yrs at least, but I've warned him no more, and if he screws up again and gets busted for ANY reason, dirty UA, drug court violation, doesn't matter, he's out....(he lives in the house I own in my absense). I have been paying a lot of his bills, because he's applied for disability, but lately, I've been clamping down, and telling him he has to work out whatever I do or give to him.
On the girlfriend deal, am I wrong in refusing to bail her out? I don't think so, but now I seem to be the villian in the piece because I said no!
I need advice AND prayers for guidance to know God's will and for HIM to just take charge.

[IO Storm]

GS...

I wouldn't.

And prayers for the whole situation.

The wreckage and owed amends to you have already piled up.

We cannot stop others from learning their lessons. I would hand this

problem back to your son. And to her parents.

Just my opinion.

Hugs

[Rusty Zipper]

IMO, i would say... that by bailing her out, you would be denieing her the path to finding her own happiness...

GS, go get a manicure...

blessings

[rozied]

Dear Golden Silence, I would definitely say no. When I broke up with my 1st husband & was raising my 2 sons alone I always told them growing up if they got into trouble with the law I would never bail them out. I saw what happened to my 1st hubby cuz he always was bailed out of trouble one way or another. Say no & don't fel guilty, bailing your own kids out is wrong nevermind his girlfriend!
PS When my oldest son got arrested the 1st time I think he was already in his 30's. He called me & I said no. Then he called my parents. I called them also & my mom swore to me she wouldn't do it. The next morning I called & they weren't home & I knew they went & bailed him out. That started a 8 yr stint of being in & out of jail. Right now he is in Wk Release & he was just 42. Don't do it.
Love,
Diane
Pray & fast for strength.
PS How old is your son & his girlfriend?

[GoldenSilence]

Thanks everyone. That's exactly what I needed for confirmation that I am doing the right thing by digging my heels in and saying NO bailout! I admit as a naive mom, I started this pattern with him a long time ago, including paying for lawyers. It was a never ending cycle. Somewhere along the way, I developed some backbone, and started letting him fall.

It was weird him nagging me trying to weedle me into bailing out the girlfriend, telling me that he knew how she felt. I told him no body put a gun to YOUR HEAD to force you to do the things that you KNEW was gonna land you in jail. You enjoy pain or something?? So, I tell him, you have more than enough of your own problems to worry about with the consequences of your addictions and now you want to take on her problems and ME to pay for her screw ups and irresponsibility and take on both of you? I'm not bailing out either one of you if you mess up again. SO FORGET IT! I'm telling him pain goes with rebellion, so keep it up if your enjoying it but don't ask me to subsidize your mess ups. That's why God made some gentle rules that were for your own protection, and not that hard to follow. If you want to do it your way, not God's, then prepare to pay the price. Simple easy.
I'm telling you ladies, this business of making their problems our problems is not going to wash.
Roz, thanks for your particular situational input. How old are they? Way old enough to know better! Both of them. Your response was another confirmation that I don't have to take on the guilt trip he's trying to put on me. God bless all of ya, and yea, I think I might just go get the manicure and go shopping, and be nice to myself for a change. No more sleepless nights.

[cmc]

GS,
When I learned better, I did (do) better. I'm learning not to step in between a person and their HP. God's more than qualified to take care of His children without any 'helping' out from me.
I'm glad you're being good to yourself, you are worth it!

[GoldenSilence]

Wow! I am beginning to realize just how true and important this is. It should be etched in granite, (my forehead, lol)!! Sometimes we just get in the way.
I'm finding that since I started laying down some ultimatims with my son and started playing hardball, he is responding.....almost as if he NEEDS AND WANTS the bounderies I've set, even tho he's an adult! Go figure??!!

[rozied]

Its true they do want & need boundaries, everyone does. To live in our society you must follow the rules whether you like it or not if you want to live a relatively decent life. There are enough problems that come in life that are unavoidable. To add problems of our own making is just darn foolish. When any member of a family does this everyone suffers not just the one doing wrong.

[rubycanoe]

No, do not bail her out. We are told by al-anon, etc. never to bail them out. This is HER problem, and hers alone, not your sons, not her parents, not yours, just HERS. I know it is hard, I would not let my husband bail out his daughter when he wanted to, ended up someone else did anyway. She had been in and out of jail for the past year anyways, so what was the difference to stay in jail some more? Anyways it may sound tough to you who have not been there and felt the pain and no that ultimately there is nothing you can do for them, they have to figure it out for themselves. You can love and detach and pray and that is it. If you want to help your own children with food or clothing a roof or something, that is a choice.

[IO Storm]

This is HER problem, and hers alone, not your sons, not her parents, not yours, just HERS.

Ruby..(and Rusty),

Thanks for the clarification..

Hugs!