Please Pray - I'm Scared!!

[NeedingHelp7]

Our Family Court Judge yesterday ordered supervised visits to continue, even after I filed that my husband has looked intoxicated/high at times, not knowing if it's his pills (prescribed) making him that way, abusing them, or other drugs. I stopped visits back on 8-3-08, when he didn't produce a copy of a drug test he said his Dr. surprisingly gave him. When I asked him about the test, he said it was good.
I asked if I could see it because I questioned his sobriety. He said yes he would show it to me, but never did show up with it. I gave him two weeks to show me. So I stopped visits.

Today he showed up in court with copies of some tests One looked like a drug store test. I saw the title said One Step Drug Test. I was shocked. I looked at my lawyer and said "this isn't a drug test!" He said "no it isn't." He had written 8-3 on it. The other one I don't know what it was, couldn't read it, but again it wasn't a Dr ordered lab test. Neither one was a lab, ordered by a Dr., with his name on it...nothing.

So we go back to court on Oct 27, while his medical records are checked. In the mean time, I have to supervise visits on Saturday, and I have to find someone to be here when he arrives to be a witness if he looks intoxicated/high or not. I actually feel like I need someone with me to supervise the visit. I don't trust him. I'm scared he's going to do something to hurt me, or son. I believe he would hurt me before he would our son. But now I have to be extra protective of us both. I was always worried about son, but now I'm worried about him hurting me after the dirty things he has done, the lies he's told...etc.

He doesn't like that I took him to court last year, I got custody of our son. He doesn't like that he has to have supervised visits. He doesn't like paying child support. I'm afraid he is going to hurt me, or lie on me, I think he's on a vengence mode, he's not the kind that would learn his lesson, and stay sober to see his son more.

Please pray that I can have someone here today, Saturday at 4:00pm when he arrives. Please God help, because I don't know who to ask.

There is also a Wed. visit, another guy supervises that visit, but he's only showed up 6 times since Dec. So I supervised those visits he didn't show up to. I was surprised today when the judge asked him again if he could supervise the Wed. visits. We'll see if he shows up.

I need all of your faithful prayers. These are scary trials I don't like, but I will remain honest, truthful, and steadfast.

Blessings,
NH7

[rozied]

Of course I will pray your husband won't hurt you or your son. Do you have parents you could ask to come over or a sister or brother or friend? If you could have someone in your family come over I am sure you would feel more comfortable.
What did the judge say when he saw the tests were not dr ordered?
What did the judge say about the guy never showing up to supervise the visits, then saying he would be there?

[Jazzed_N_MD]

This case is already in the States hands, call the police and ask for back-up. Explain the situation and tell them you are in fear for the life and health of yourself and your child/family. This pre warns the authorities of possible violence/danger.

Have as many people there as you can get from where ever. Your meetings, your church, C.P.S., who cares!?!

Document everything you do.

[NeedingHelp7]

Of course I will pray your husband won't hurt you or your son. Do you have parents you could ask to come over or a sister or brother or friend? If you could have someone in your family come over I am sure you would feel more comfortable.
What did the judge say when he saw the tests were not dr ordered?
What did the judge say about the guy never showing up to supervise the visits, then saying he would be there?

I don't know anyone to come over. We have no relatives here. I don't know of any friends who would want to.

When the judge saw the tests weren't dr. ordered he decided that my husband continue to have supervised visits. I believe they will be checking all his medical/pyschiatric records from now til Oct 27. Judge said it was a hard decision, but if he's looking intoxicated he couldn't. The judge also told him he has to do what is in the best interest of our son.

About the other guy not showing up, the judge didn't say anything, and asked him again if he would supervise the Wed. visit. He said yes, and the judge told him if he is 1/2 hr late, there would be no visit at all. I believe he didn't show up on purpose. They are trying to sabotage.

I am afraid of so much, but I'm trusting the Lord to work through this.

I just talked w/ a pastor, he told me it is best to have all visits outside my home, in public, which I was thinking also. I am very afraid to have him here alone.

He also advised I not go in the car w/ him. How am I going to not do that. I don't have a car. Usually I drive the car during visits. He's not allowed. I don't have a car. I guess I could ask that we meet at the library today. But then what?

NH7

[cmc]

I must agree with Jazz about calling the police, and also with your pastor about not driving with your H.

Another thing that is very important to do, for anyone in a situation like yours, is to contact your local DV hotline and speak with a counselor there. They may even have a volunteer who will come over during the visit.

It's very important to have a concrete plan in the event that he becomes violent or threatens you or your son in any way.

[rubycanoe]

Sending prayers!
Please come back here and tell us you are safe!

[NeedingHelp7]

I was exhausted when we got home. My head felt 100 lbs heavier. I did make phone calls and put safety plans in place. This helped a lot, but I still felt scared. My head feels better now. This happens to my head every time I'm around him, it's the weirdest thing.

I always feel threatened by him even if he doesn't come out with his mouth and make a threat. His mixed messages, his games, his demeanor is threatenting, and very odd.

But, they were happy to see each other. Son gave him a hug when he arrived then went right to playing on the computer at the library together. His eyes looked okay, but as usual I'm always on my guard. I'm never 100%, not even 50% sure about him, which makes every minute for me feeling, stressed, and on guard. But I keep my composure. The visit was in public places, so I felt a little safer. I planned that we meet at the library, but I did have to drive to the other places because there wasn't anywhere to walk to, that we could all walk, but the drive was only 5 minutes away. If driving on a visit, I am ordered to drive only. The biggest thing I fear is food, drinks and bathroom visits.

He talked some w/ son about school, cub scouts, etc... But as soon as we got to McDonalds, as usual he always trys to enter into conversation with me.
He is only supposed to have conversation w/ me concerning our son. So he's asking me how I think his hair looks (dyed). I guess he thought I would have been the old me and said "looks great!" but i didn't. I told him if he likes it, I guess thats all that matters. I'm not trying to be mean, it's just I'm not going to get sucked into his conversational ego games. Talked about how he got a pedicure. He tried showing me his new rings. Told me about all his job changes, I just shook my head or looked elsewhere. He would start talking about his friends, etc.... When I was trying to ignore something he was saying something about an uncle dying. All I heard was a little bit, and he said something like he's (talking of himself) had a relapse 2 summers in a row, and knows what heaven and hell are like. I wondered if this was his way of admitting relapse over this summer?? Or maybe he thought he would get a reaction from me when he said that. I didn't say anything. It's like he does it on purpose. He is supposed to be focused on son only!!! Sometimes I just have to ignore him...what do I do when he does that. I'm not going to be the one to correct him, he knows what the orders are, but still does it.

NH7

[IO Storm]

I will pray NH.

[NeedingHelp7]

He's accusing me of having interupted visits with son, but then he does all the talking to me about himself at visits. See what I mean???? It's all about him, and he's trying to control, draw me in to conversation and his life, and I don't want it!

So between his drug abuses, trying to dominate and control, and rebel against court orders.....This has to get over with. But I don't know who else would supervise the visits. I just know I don't want to do it any longer. At first I volunteered to supervise with hopes of him getting clean and sober, wanting that time that him and son could still visit together, but with safety.

No matter how many boundaries are put up with him he will try his darndest to cross them, or sabotage any decent order of things..... and it's so frustrating.

NH7

[IO Storm]

I suggest you (and) a third party supervise the visit if allowed by the Court.

He is playing you. But a bully is usually intimated by a third party. The

last thing they wish is for their behavior to be exposed. If just another

person supervise the visit..would you be comfortable with that?

Just a suggestion..but you are getting entangled in emotional drama

with this man.

[cmc]

Have you discussed any of this with the counselors at the DV center? They would know exactly what you need to do and also what local resources are available.

If it were me, I would have an official third party as IO has suggested. Children's Services may have some volunteers trained just for that purpose. Also, look into the Guardian Ad Litem services which appoints someone who will work _only_ in the best interest of the child.

I can't remember if you mentioned the legal status of your separation or if you still are using an attorney regards a divorce. A lawyer might come in handy with what's going on with the visitation.

I can't stress enough the need for some professional help with this situation. This is too risky and too important to handle without it. He should have supervised visitation that HE pays for where you are not involved at all.

This should be about your son having some time alone with his dad and it's anything but that because your ex is getting away with doing as he pleases- regardless of how it affects your son or you.

All the burden of this should be on him not you or your child.

[NeedingHelp7]

I agree, IO, and thats what I wanted, but I don't know any one to be able to do that, and especially for hours at a time.... and the judge did say that I need to have a 3rd party when he arrives to make sure he's not intoxicated/high.

He's a mental and emotional bully all the time, when he's not looking intoxicated or is..

I just tried hard to ignore him. He would keep right on going though.


NH7

[IO Storm]

Okay.

I am a retired CPS SW. If the judge said..which means it is court ordered,

that a third party is present..then then you must contact your lawyer for

advice concerning the visits.

Or read your copy of your latest Court report.

Who has the burden of repsonsibility of third party supervision?

He, you, or Social Services?

If the third party doesn't show..cancel the visit. Or, postpone it.

Do not proceed until they show up, or (you) will be in violation of the

Court order. It doesn't matter what (he) says..you must comply.

Keep it as simple as possible right now.

[Stubborn1]

In my county we have what's called a "nanny house". This is a place where a father has to pay X amount of dollars and he gets supervised visitations with his child by an approved person.
You sound like you are in a dangerous situation. It's def not healthy for you or the child. If you have to do it this way I suggest bringing a book or pretend you are studying for a class and bring a work book of sorts.
It's too close of a she said, he said kind of deal. Can a police officer monitor a visit or gaurdian ad litum?
Be careful

[NeedingHelp7]

I am a retired CPS SW. If the judge said..which means it is court ordered,

that a third party is present..then then you must contact your lawyer for

advice concerning the visits.

IO, The judge said to have a friend, neighbor, anyone to make sure he wasn't intoxicated. I believe he meant in the beginning of the visit just to check him out.
I didn't have anyone, so I made the visit begin at the library. There was a librarian there and she said she would remember him. He didn't look toxic yesterday.
I'll only allow visits at public places.

But I will check with my lawyer to make sure that was what he meant, I'm almost sure it was. I wished I could have had someone with us all 4 1/2 hrs. But there is no one I know that would do that.

NH7

[NeedingHelp7]

If it were me, I would have an official third party as IO has suggested. Children's Services may have some volunteers trained just for that purpose. Also, look into the Guardian Ad Litem services which appoints someone who will work _only_ in the best interest of the child.

This is what I petitioned for after I stopped visits, a licensed trained supervising person.
But the judge didn't order that on Friday, he ordered that visits stay the same, but added that I get someone, a friend or neighbor to be there to make sure he isn't intoxicated.
When we come back on Oct 27, the law guardian being appointed again will be there, he looks out also for the best interest of our child.

Yes this kind of thing is much more difficult when it's involving an addict and we're husband and wife, and wife supervising the visit. It's always his word against mine, and he lies all the time. It's not a fair safe situation to be in. I should have never volunteered to do it in the beginning, I did it for son, he loves dad, and it was safer than no boundaries put in place. At least he couldn't come at any time, pick him up and take him somewhere, then the possibility of dad going into relapse at the same time would have been very dangerous.
We always hoped for recovery, but I know when I saw him those few times looking like that, it was over. It made me a nervous wreck because I didn't know if it was his prescription drugs making him look like that or other drugs.

NH7

[NeedingHelp7]

I can't sleep tonight. There is no peace that comes with thoughts of my AH

Keep it as simple as possible right now.

IO I was doing so good not seeing, hearing, or having to talk to that man the past 2 months. I was getting so much better!!!! When I try to keep things simple, he will even try to screw that up.

I feel he's never going to "stay" clean and sober, so I'm not interested in supervising visits any longer. He knew I was giving it a year. We are just short of a year, and I want it so much to be done!!! He's damaged his brain so much, his thinking is so screwed up, I don't even want to be sitting in the same room with him. Just his presence is toxic. The lies, the sweet talk, then the turning accusing me that I wouldn't let him see his son. There were to 2 visits the whole time I said "no" due to suspicion of his drug use. Then on 8-3 I stopped them because he didn't show with a drug test that he said he would. During the past year he had more than court ordered visits, I could add extra days if I wanted to do them, extra days were up to me.. He had extra days, Birthdays, holidays, every Dr. appt. eye appt w/ son together. So in the meantime when he should have been staying straight during those months, he was obviously hiding binging again, other women, more financial disaster (his credit cards). We'll I guess "in his mind" he had another free year to do what he wanted no matter who it hurt again. He don't care and I pray no one is lenient on him any longer. No more chances for him. This is his 3rd child. 2nd child had supervised visits with him also, he didn't tell me that until after marriage, when I found the court order in the drawer. She is now 18. I do remember him going to thier home to visit, but he never told me it was court ordered supervised visits, for the same thing drug use! He is one of the most deceitful men I have ever known. The sick thing is.... is when I married him I thought he was the sweetest man I had ever known.

NH7

[IO Storm]

Talk to your lawyer, NH. That is what they are there for, and what they

are paid to do hun. Seems like it is time for a change....

[NeedingHelp7]

I tried calling my lawyer once on Friday, 2 times yesterday, no call back yet.

I talked with a DV advocate from the court yesterday. She said she would talk to my lawyer, said it looks like he is indirectly abusing/harrassing me, which he is (I was so glad she put it that way, "keeping it simple", because I couldn't come up with the words to call it). She said we can possibly file a violation....we'll see. It does leave me feeling harrassed.

I've loved a man I can't have safely or healthily as a husband or sons father. He doesn't care to stay clean. He goes to program meetings, but doesn't work them. He has a sponsor, spiritual mentors, friends in the program, but he doesn't use them when he goes into relapse mode. He doesn't use his cell phone to call "Crisis" until he's all done. I think he loves relapsing/binging, even though he says its hell everytime. I think the after effects are hell, because usually one bad relapse for him, 2 days on crack, and whatever other drug he does, can be $1000.00 or more, other women/STD, and losing family, and it taking another year to recover from that one bad relapse. It's a vicious circle!! And then in between its all the pills. So it's the consequences that are hell for him that he really hates, but he loves the drugs. It's like he has 2 sets of friends, the using ones and the church and program friends. He's very sneaky, but I know. I might not know every time he relapses because now I don't see him every day, but I've seen his eyes a few times the past year and when they are very widely opened and pinpointed pupils, thats the giveaway that some kind of drug abuse is going on. Thats why I requested seeing a drug test on him.

How many times can this continue? Will he be ordered supervised visits forever in a situation like this? Or can he lose visits all together? Who knows! I'm just tired of it.

I'm amazed, after posting the last sentence "I'm tired of it,"
some people from the watchtower came to the door.....
They read the scripture
10 For yet a little while and the wicked shall be no more;
Indeed, you will look carefully for his place,
But it shall be no more.
11 But the meek shall inherit the earth,
And shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

They gave me a pamphlet...."All suffering soon to end".....

I won't judge the messenger...but I'm sure thankful for the message.

Hallelujah!!

NH7

[cmc]

(( NH7 ))
....prayers continue.

[IO Storm]

Keeping it simple..seems to be your "message" too, hun.

So glad you are taking control and making progress...I am still praying.

Prayer works!