Confession and repentance... freedom....

[Gertiegirl]

Well, its been awhile since I have started a thread - Im usually more of a sit back and reply as I feel led kinda gal... But I wanted to share my experiences over the last few days. Again, Ill give ya brief rundown... Im an alcoholic, I went into a community based detox programme on the 21 July this year, almost exactly two years after I was baptised within the Baptist church. So I now stand at 14 days sober (aside from one heck of a slip up night which Im not going into detail on, and I will not count.... I just dont see the point in dwelling on one miserable night, the only point it served was to remind why I want to maintain sobriety). Anyway - so last night I went to an AA meeting, probably about the 6th or 7th I'd been to. But I shared that although some had seen me before - it was actually the first meeting Id attended sober. Anyway - a man who has become like the bane of my existance was there. I first met him at an AA meeting a few years ago and as I had still steadfastly refused to do anything about my alcoholism, he was one of those people that I just found difficult to be around. His presence needled at me, because with 25 years recovery under his belt - he could see straight through me, he knew the lies in my head, he knew how my brain was working and I did not like him for it. He was too similar to me and it bugged the living daylights outta me! Especially when 6 months ago he turned up at my church. I mean come on - this was my church, I had my alcoholism seperated in my brain in a completely different place in my brain to my faith and so how dare this man intrude in my personal sanctuary? (For the record, I do know everything Im typing sounds ridiculous but Im trying to explain how I have always felt towards this guy). The stupid thing was I liked the guy - he has a great sense of humor and is very relatable. But anyway - so I felt he was invading, especially when he joined MY Alpha course, that I was leading on. Ugh it was rough. Then I got booted from the leadership team, as a consewuence of my drinking, and my hurt pride made it my business to blame HIM. THEN the icing on the cake I discovered he was coaching my daughter at Netball at her school! She idolised this guy cause he made her laugh - as all the kids in her class did. I made it my business as soon as I heard that to avoid him like the plague. I was so resentfull, and didn't realise it. I mean how could one recovered alcoholic interfere with so many aspects of my life when I was still trying to pin my own alcoholism into one little place (ya know - kinda like trying to staple jello to a wall!). Anywho (yep, I will drag this out, make a long story even longer), so last night at the meeting he shared. And what he shared really hit home. I could notice and understand things with such a clarity as I attended the meeting sober that I had never before. For a start - the similarities I had resented, were there because I am finally beginning to achieve step one - admission! I AM an alcoholic, we ARE wired differently and it IS true that an alcoholic understands another far better then any "normal" person will. Now keep in mind that Im a day ahead in timezone then you - so this morning was Sunday morning and I toddled off to church in a great mindframe, and why shouldn't I? No Sunday morning hangover! No nagging guilt! I walked in with the expectation that I would enjoy a spirit filled worship and be touched by the Lord. And did I what! The worship was amazing and there was a heavy sense of the Lords presence, and after the song "How great is our God" the Pastor who was worship leading offered the oppurtunity for anyone who felt led to pray to do so... A few people did, and I was just basking in the glow of the spirit and praying away silently - when all of sundden I relaised that actually no - I wasn't, I was speaking in a loud clear voice! Eek! That was unexpected! I have attended the same church for 3 years and never once even had an urge to open my gob. lol - I was at a dinner at the Pastors house tonight and even he admitted that he was so gobsmacked that I was praying aloud during a congregational setting he kinda stumbled a step backwards and couldn't wipe the grin off his face. Anyway, as we continued in Worship all was well. The message was reasonably challenging, but then we came to communion. As a Baptist church we only take communion on the first Sunday of every month - so this was the first time I have taken it in years, no hangover, knowing that I have laid my alcohol before the Lord and am following his will in this. I expected a joyus and thankful partacking of the elements. Again, I don't think so - the Holy Spirit had other ideas. Pah. I refused communion and sat praying and in thought for a bit - and then got up and went and spoke to this guy who had been bugging me. He is struggling to find faith in Christ - although through AA has a firm belief in the father head of God. I sat down with him and explained that the bible instructs us that if we have an issue with a brother in Christ, to seek them and sort it before taking communinion. I asked him if he would listen to my prayer of confession and repentance so that I could with an open heart take communion (he presonally still refuses communion as he struggles with his faith). I was grateful he allowed me to, and I prayed confessing the resentment, the bitterness and the realisation that the reason behind it was pride, because this mans open presense in my life had caused me to see myself as somewhat hypocritical in my faith as I held onto this addiction, and I laid it all before the Lord, asked for forgiveness and the strength to forgive myself. I then prayed for God to pour blessings upon this man, and to show him his almighty power and to call him strongly to himself. When I was done - I then asked my fellow from AA to pray the serenity prayer with me. With a free and unburdened heart I then took communion. What really surprised me was the tears in this mans eyes as he thanked me, and exclaimed over my courage. All I could think was LOOK at the power of the Holy Spirit, LOOK at what God can do, will do and wants to in my life now I surernder this to him and stop pushing him away with the use of alcohol. I have been (mainly) sober for 14 days, and today I finally felt freedom.

Sorry for the ramble - thanks all if you made it to the end!

[rayofsunshine]

God Bless you for sharing your story. It's awesome and wonderful to hear how the Lord working in your life! Congrats on your sober time! May the Lord continue to strengthen you!

[suki44883]

Good post, Gert.

One thing though...Paragraphs, dude!

[Gertiegirl]

Pah - I should have warned it was a long winded ramble at the beginning instead of the end huh? I was excitedly typing away! Dont blame me! lol

[Gertiegirl]

<-- me <-- Suki !!!!

[suki44883]

The length is fine, but it's oh so much easier to read when you break it up into paragraphs.

[rozied]

I made it to the end & isn't it amazing & awe inspiring what The Lord will do for us.

[best]

Originally Posted by Gertiegirl

... and couldn't wipe the grin off his face.

Same here and your understanding of being right with your brother before communion...added grins.

[Lily]

That is so awesome Gertie! Showing much humility. I am so thankful for your 14 days too! you go girl!

I pray that your friend would too find salvation in Christ, Blessings, Sheila