Pain!!

[ByHisBlood2]

Hey all,

As some of you may know I am currently going through a divorce and having a rough patch as of yesterday. We were in court for the divorce on July 1st and we will finialize it in Dec. now without going into a really long drawn out story my drug/use and abuse was the cause of most of the major problems in our marriage eventually leading to our seperation in 2006 and divorce now. I can see as I look back with a clean mind why I did them in the first place as the use was a symptom of the bigger issue inside of me. The issue was the fact I was with someone who was even more self centered than me and that at no time during our marriage did she care about me her needs always came first, but anyway that really isn't the issue I'm writing about. Yesterday my wife was to drop off our daughter at 2:00 and was late(again) only this time she wasn't alone. She was with some other guy, needless to say I was not happy about it but did not give any indication of being upset and was upbeat and friendly. This situation really hurt and not so much because she was with another guy(although that does hurt too) but because she seemingly has moved on so quickly. I know my wife and she has never put in a days work in her adult life and very much has "the princess syndrome" (ya know do everything for me and if you don't then off with your head" so I fully expected her to land another guy to take care of her since she can't/won't take take care of herself but I figured she might at least wait or keep it on the down low till the divorce was final? I guess I just gave her too much credit. Anyways I'm just asking for prayers and advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. I know what NOT to do just wondering how some of you may have dealt with it. Thanks God bless you all!!

[cmc]

Hi,
I have no experience with this, but will offer some prayers for wisdom & guidance.
God bless you, during this difficult time.

[best]

Ouch!

I know the pain you feel and this is how I handled such pain...

We are to love our wife as Christ so loves the church...so even when they do wrong, we much continue to do right. You are doing that part. Good for you.
As for dealing with the pain itself...
Forgive as we have been forgiven and as the pain comes, I think of the pain the Lord must of had that He took for us. My pain doesn't seem so bad when I think of His pain and the Love He poured out for us.
Do the next right thing. Do not return a wrong with a wrong. Know that there will be pain in life and that the Lord will help us carry any burden that comes along.

[Astro]

Originally Posted by best

Do the next right thing. Do not return a wrong with a wrong. Know that there will be pain in life and that the Lord will help us carry any burden that comes along.

It took me a long time and quite a few hard knocks to learn exactly that.

While I was in the final throes of my disease, my spouse was off having an affair (maybe even more than one) with a co-worker. On the day that I stopped drinking, I found a book in our house that detailed their escapades.
A month later and still sober, she got her wish and I was out of the house, he moved in shortly after. It wracked me with pain to think that the woman I thought I'd love "forever", and my children, were living with a "monster" who participated in breaking up our marriage and family.

For a long time I wanted to wrong him as I felt he had wronged me. That resentment continues to linger. What I've come slowly to understand in the last 3 years.......

I continue to pray, and sometimes those prayers are for their happiness. The more I let go of my pain and resentments and turn them over to God, the more I know that he's carried me this far and will continue to take my pain as His own. And what I'm learning recently when that old resentment creeps up again, I need to get out of the way and let God do all the work.

I will definitely keep you in my prayers BHB, please know that others have felt the pain of similar situations.

[Lily]

Stay in the word, stay in prayer, ask the Lord to keep you from getting bitter. Bitterness can grow and take over your entire person.

Pray for her, no matter how painful.

And like Best said, keep doing the same right thing. You cannot control ppl, places or things, including her bad behavior, you can only control yourself and how you handle things. I applaud you for not getting angry, going off, etc on her. I am sure it was hard to maintain. I am sorry for your pain.

Do you have any guys who can pray w/ and for you too?

blessings, Sheila

[kmsj75]

I have been where you have been, and I know the desperate pain that comes with such a horrible place.

My husband of 8 years (with whom I have 2 small children with) filed for divorce while I was in rehab. I had been a stay-at-home mother for 6 years, and got addicted to pain killers. He also sold our house while I was in there, and got an apt. with the our two kids. He wouldn't tell me where they lived.

Because of the drugs and alcohol, my parents took his side. Even though I had gone to rehab (this was my first stint) and had 30 days clean, they refused to speak to me. I showed up for the temporary custody court hearing literally living out of a rental car with no food, no clothes, and no home. When I got to the courtroom, there were MY parents, with him, ready to help him fight against me.

Yes, I had a problem and had made some serious mistakes, but he was certainly not snow white.

He acted broken-hearted, but within a year was remarried (I didn't even know he was dating.) To make matters worse, I found out that the woman he married, the step-mother to my children, had worked with him while I was pregnant with my daughter 9 years ago.

As for my parents, they flew to the wedding in Mexico to share in the celebration.

Yes, I understand your pain. I know that there are moments where you literally think you can't stand it another minute. I also know that time puts all things into perspective.

God works in mysterious ways. Had my parents not taken his side, they would have enabled me, and I would not be the new spiritual creature that I am today (I will have 3 years clean in less than a month.)

Had he not taken the kids, house, money, etc. I would never have known the difference between a need and a want.

Do those things make it hurt less, no. Do they help answer the question "why?!?" yes.

I am hear to tell you that three years later, despite my family refusing to speak to me, despite my ex-husband's continuing antics and lack of respect for me, I am happier than I have ever been. I also remarried 6 months ago to an incredible man who is also in recovery.

I have experienced excruciating pain and it has allowed me to experience incredible happiness.

Please remember that this is temporary!

Prayers for peace and strength,
Kris

[ByHisBlood2]

Hey all,

Your great God inspired(in my opinion) responses have only added to the strength and truth of this situation and how I need to let God strengthen me and how I deal with my wife. First off no doubt about the things I did to bring our marraige to the point of divorce they were wrong,painful to all involved and made our lives very difficult. Although my wife belives she is she was not snow white in our marriage either. Anyways I do pray for her and have even recently face to face told her I hope you find whatever makes you happy and I meant it with all sincerity, now that is God working in me because the way I felt the other day if I was not walking closely with the Lord things would have been very different. As Christians we are called to love even our enimies, she is not my enemy but in my flesh I don't want to love her at all because of what she is doing, but I still do because of Christ in me. Best you said it well.....best, Jesus endured pain that I could never understand all the while asking the Father to "forgive them for they know not what they do" I have been forgiven much so I must forgive her even more. I know only Christ in me can help me forgive what she is doing and I am greatful the creator of the universe walks with me everyday and has only good for me. Praise Jesus and God bless all of you!! Thanks!!

[toad]

Many of us when we come into recovery come in with broken relationships. Sometimes these broken relationships are the cause of our self-centered addictions. I am here to tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and traveling through the tunnel takes time. If we keep our sobriety and being clean a priority, and put God first in our lives, then God will be able to turn the situation around. God is able to take the most horrible experiences that we have and use them to make us stronger. I have experienced this many time in my life. I know that things are hard right now, but we have to accept that things are the way they are. Sometimes in my experiences, I have to get deep within myself where the real emptional pain lives, and practice forgiveness. Man, that's hard to do. But with the forgiveness grows acceptance, and from the acceptance we get serenity.

I will pray for you and your family. Next year at this time you will be able to help someone going through the same problem. It's funny how God will put people in our lives like that.

Here is the complete Serenity Prayer..........check it out!

God,
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen.

[ByHisBlood2]

Toad,

Right on brother. Since I have gotten and stayed clean for (geez I'm not reall sure?!?!? I guess we'll say oct. of last year) I have been counciling with and fellowshipping/bible study with some awesome brothers and sisters in Christ and have gained a much more tangable living relationship with God. In this process I have already seen the amazing work God is doing in my life. It is my hearts desire to become someone who reflects Christ to all around me especially my daughter. I long to (if it's Gods' will) get to a place where I can share my experience with others and point them to Jesus and watch him work in their lives. I really am feeling the Holy Spirit in the responses people have posted, lifting me up and laying down my pride!! God bless you!!

[WishIWasNormal]

Originally Posted by kmsj75

I have been where you have been, and I know the desperate pain that comes with such a horrible place.

My husband of 8 years (with whom I have 2 small children with) filed for divorce while I was in rehab. I had been a stay-at-home mother for 6 years, and got addicted to pain killers. He also sold our house while I was in there, and got an apt. with the our two kids. He wouldn't tell me where they lived.

Because of the drugs and alcohol, my parents took his side. Even though I had gone to rehab (this was my first stint) and had 30 days clean, they refused to speak to me. I showed up for the temporary custody court hearing literally living out of a rental car with no food, no clothes, and no home. When I got to the courtroom, there were MY parents, with him, ready to help him fight against me.

Yes, I had a problem and had made some serious mistakes, but he was certainly not snow white.

He acted broken-hearted, but within a year was remarried (I didn't even know he was dating.) To make matters worse, I found out that the woman he married, the step-mother to my children, had worked with him while I was pregnant with my daughter 9 years ago.

As for my parents, they flew to the wedding in Mexico to share in the celebration.

Yes, I understand your pain. I know that there are moments where you literally think you can't stand it another minute. I also know that time puts all things into perspective.

God works in mysterious ways. Had my parents not taken his side, they would have enabled me, and I would not be the new spiritual creature that I am today (I will have 3 years clean in less than a month.)

Had he not taken the kids, house, money, etc. I would never have known the difference between a need and a want.

Do those things make it hurt less, no. Do they help answer the question "why?!?" yes.

I am hear to tell you that three years later, despite my family refusing to speak to me, despite my ex-husband's continuing antics and lack of respect for me, I am happier than I have ever been. I also remarried 6 months ago to an incredible man who is also in recovery.

I have experienced excruciating pain and it has allowed me to experience incredible happiness.

Please remember that this is temporary!

Prayers for peace and strength,
Kris

kmsj75, I'm sorry you had to go through all that. How terrible! How are you now?

[rozied]

Hi, I dealth with it by crying alot. Even though I did not want him anymore it hurt me to see him marrying someone else. The day he remarried I sat across the street from the reception to watch. He brought our 2 little boys to the wedding.
I went home & cried & cried & thought about how unfair it was as he was the one who caused our break up. He claimed to love me but he spent all the money on gambling, even cheated & lied. I loved him so much that I even divorced him & remarried him. It took 10 yrs, 2 kids & hitting 27 for me to cut him loose & move on with my life.
I started & finished a 4 yr college, raised my boys with the help of my parents, and after 10yrs on my own met & married a wonderful man. We will be married 24 yrs this Nov.
My ex called me after almost 30yrs a few mts ago. He went from gambling to drugs, and did not get clean & sober until he was 58 yrs old. He is 63 now with Hepatitis trying to rebuild some sort of life.

I have no regrets & I thank God I got out when I did.
Keep looking up, cry if you must. if you lean on The Lord you will get through this.

[ByHisBlood2]

Rozied,

I did cry some. It was a shock to see her already involed with someone soooo soon. I expected it but not 3 weeks after we were in divorce court, that was the painful part that it was so quick. I sit and wonder here I am having to pay child and spousal support and barely get by and she seems to be just living it up with her new man and I'm paying for it!!! Then I realize I'm excactly where God wants me to be. He is all over this situation and is using this as a way to have me draw closer to him, to be in his presence. I am finally understanding what it means to "count it all joy in your various tribulations" I understand that even though it is painful at times I can rest in my eternal position with God and actually be sincerly happy for my wife forgiving her because I have been forgiven much. It's tough but through all this God is making me more like Jesus!! Praise Jesus!! That's all I really want is more of him, and I get to show Christ to my ex-wife and our daughter by the way I love, loving her like Jesus loves us. Reading your story was such an encouragement to me and just another example that God works ALL things in our lives for good and his glory!! Thank you for sharing it!!

BHB

[rozied]

Hi BHB, I read your post to me & It made me really happy that what I shared helped. The Lord has a way of righting all wrongs & He is always faithful. One of the hardest things in my Christian Walk is accepting the fact that things happen in His perfect timing, not mine.

[ByHisBlood2]

You got it sister!!!

[IO Storm]

BHB...

Bless your heart..you are working so hard on this and I am so proud of you.

Quoting toad here...

"Sometimes these broken relationships are the cause of our self-centered addictions. "

I was a black out drinker, and combined with an addiction to diet pills,

a hellion on wheels and foot, verbally and with my fists and pen!

The abuse was directed at my ex and before that, ex ex. So I have to

own up to my part in failed relationships. But..you know what?

My relationships were sick...the first one a hopeless alcoholic God

removed from my life. The last...played mind games..fixated on other

women...and had an affair 3 weeks after a break up. I made the move

for the final break last year. And..as time goes on...I see how God is

moving freely in my life now.

Also, some people just cannot be alone...I used to be that way until this

last two years in sobriety...and have learned to bend my will daily to the

Master's. Life has become an adventure. It will for you too, BHB!


Love,



Sherry

[ByHisBlood2]

IO,

Thanks for your post! You couldn't be more right on the money, my relationship with my wife was sick right from the start. Before we got engaged and married I actually broke things off with her 3 times because something just didn't feel right, it was this feeling I couldn't shake. I got involved with her too quickly and too soon after my first failed marriage. I can look back now and see with clearity why I had the feeling, but instead of slowing things down with her I didn't listen and moved ahead. I look back at our marriage and realize my use and abuse of drugs and alcohol was my way of self medicating me out of my feelings of being all alone in our marriage, she was supposed to be my helpmate but all she ever really cared about was her own needs being met. I don't blame her for my poor choices while we were married but I can see how she contributed to my situation. I no longer have the desire to do drugs or drink to exess I know that God has removed them from me and I am so greatful. My concerns now shift toward my daughter. I know my soon to be ex-wifes' self centered pursuit of the new man in her life is effecting our daughter, first it is so soon and I know that has made her upset and also that she is being left with her grandfather a lot while my ex is out with the new guy. It just breaks my heart that she is only concerened with her agenda not considering the feelings of our daughter. It makes me very sad but I hope to change the custody arraingments real soon!! God Bless ya'l!!

[Astro]

Something I didn't put in my previous reply BHB, mostly because I get so wrapped up in resentment and anger at my kid's stepdad......

The more people that come into my children's lives and love them the better. The more they're cared for and influenced, the more experiences they have, those things will enrich their lives. Maybe their stepdad is really a great guy in spite of the impression I've formed of him? And even if he's not, not everyone that comes into our lives is healthy, right? Especially when we're in recovery from our own unhealthy behavior! So in a way some of those encounters with people will help them to become "street smart".

I have plenty of what I think of as good intentions to "protect my kids from all the evil in the world", but I also know that God truly watches over them. After all, he kept them safe from my actions for many years, I have faith that he'll protect them just as he did for me.

[IO Storm]

BHB...

A reminder for today's troubles...



Cast all your care upon Him for He cares for you. (1 Peter 5: 7)


For you, for me,....and your daughter.

[ByHisBlood2]

Thanks guys,

It is so wonderful to have such focused experience Christian brothers and sisters on here! God bless you all today!

[ByHisBlood2]

Well,

It just keeps getting more interesting. It appears(although I have no real evidence) that my soon to be ex-wife is already planning a spring wedding to her new man. I'm being honest it hurts to know that she could so easily shift gears I mean we were "together" back in may. I guess I just can't understand her which is part of why we didn't work out. It makes me sad to see her moving on so quickly but what is more sad is my daughter has been put on the back burner as she chases after this situation, so sad. I really do hope this new situation does give her the happiness she so desperately wants but not at the expense of my daughters feelings, I'm just frustrated and impatient I want so badly for things in my life to look differently like my own place and more custody time with my daughter. I know those things are coming soon as I get my life moving forward again I just wish I could be there for my daughter more. Last night she said to me out of the blue " Dad you never let me down" It made me happy to hear that's what she thinks of me but sad to know she is feeling let down at home by Mom. Just pray for me and my daughter.

Thanks
BHB

[Astro]

Originally Posted by ByHisBlood2

I just wish I could be there for my daughter more. Last night she said to me out of the blue " Dad you never let me down" It made me happy to hear that's what she thinks of me but sad to know she is feeling let down at home by Mom. Just pray for me and my daughter.

Interesting that sometimes it seems like our kids have it more "together" than we do, it sounds like your daughter has it all figured out?

As time has gone on I've found that I contemplate less and less what my ex is doing, which allows me to focus more on what I'm doing, and what I can do in the future to be the best possible example to my children. It ain't about my ex, it ain't about me, it's about my son and daughter.

Rather than contemplating what is being done at the "expense" of your daughter's feelings, how about putting your thought and energy into what you can do to be of benefit to her growth?

Let's take a look at that line again:

Originally Posted by ByHisBlood2

"Dad you never let me down"

I'd be willing to bet that the more you concentrate on the quality of your time with your daughter, and the less you worry over what your ex is doing, the more you'll hear those words of love from your child. Trust me, I'm blessed with them every day.

BTW, years ago my sponsor shared a little wisdom with me: "Whatever anyone says, thinks, or does is none of my business unless they invite me in". Hard words to live by, and it's difficult to detach from someone when we co-parent with them, but it's a technique that works when I apply it.

[ByHisBlood2]

Astro,

Very well put my friend! Thank you.