Brothers and sisters

[icewolfca]

I had a relapse about a month ago, was doing good. Was about 90 days clean. Now I really am not a fan of posting here because even though I always will have needs, I believe people have greater needs than me. I know that really sounds pathetic, but I feel that at times. More recently I was wondering how I can beat this addiction garbage. Because it has done no good in my life by any means! Have you read the big book? Remember when that man was able to stop drinking by helping another alcoholic even though he was in active addiction? He had tried every other avenue, I believe he even went to Europe? Ok so we have one addict helping another. But how does that make sense? How can someone who is in troubled waters help another person in trouble? So then I thought back to the bible where Paul speaks of people spreading the message of Jesus for their own gain and benefit. Knowingly doing so. Now If i need to be corrected, please so. I am no teacher, i am just speaking this so that I may learn and get help from others. Now as a born again believer who has lived "unique" life can not I not quote John 3:16 I believe this with all of my heart. I know it to be true.
Romans 10:9 That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
So simple. Now I understand that signs and wonders won't make a person believe "more" or have more "faith" because when Jesus fed the masses with fish and bread they were still filled with unbelief. Am I missing something? I understand that we must follow the 10 commandments and live good lives, but. Say if I am not bearing any fruit and living a relatively unGodly life? Does that give a person who lives a TRULY moral upright life more right to spread the word of God than I? Who believes but is living in difficult times? Why do I have fear of people? Yes I understand sometimes, thinks are God and sometimes things are just us being stupid . But Jesus said we would do even greater things than He did in His time. So my faith must be pretty small? Every sunday I desire to go to church but fear grips me like a ton of bricks. I did not attend public school and was always at home except for church on sundays. I spent all my time on the computer and my parents stopped teaching me after the age of 15 or so. It was off and on teaching. They did their best of course. Now I believe I have/had a pre existing condition from childhood that was amplified by using cough syrup. I knew my mother took me to see a mental expert when I was like 6 because I was having dreams were satan attacked me, I told the doc that Jesus protects me. Yet still a relapse. I agree that I need to attend church, I lack courage. For some people dealing in the social realm is like an after thought, like riding a bike. For me its like a trek up mount Everest at times. I have been bound for ALONG time, that I do know, long before the drug addiction started in my life. Of course I still have hope and I don't want to die. The truth is that all I desire is to do God's will. To see God's will SUPER clear for my life. That is my primary purpose to love God, I know that, but I need to see His will clearly. Secondary purpose would be like a job or where I will live etc. The desire of my heart without a question is to spread the word of God like a fire. Sure it would be cool to have "things". But I truly desire to be like all on fire for God, like live and breath. I can feel that desire within my heart burn harshly. But the fear of people grips me. So my sinful nature is winning this battle. Man I need some serious help . Maybe I am torturing myself. I do not know. But this pattern has been around for most of my life. It has to stop. Can't be lukewarm I just can't. I pray and read my bible nightly. But I feel it is not enough. Please advise. Thank you

Josh

[cmc]

Hi Josh,
You stayed clean for 90 days...what happened? I am not an addict but I do believe that it takes someone who has been where I am to help me find the way out.
Isn't that what Jesus did for us? He became a man to show us the way and then He offered himself as a sacrifice to save us.
I might want alot of things in this life and in the next but it's my experience that if I really am serious then there will be some action needed on my part certainly the acceptance that by myself I can't accomplish much. I need God and I need others to help me.
As for serving the Lord, that's great but first things first would be to get clean and learn how to stay that way. jmho
God does have a plan for each one of us. It's up to me to find it and follow His lead.

[Lily]

Josh,

I don't know how it works, but somehow it just does. Since I started attending NA meetings I have managed to string together almost 5 months! I was not able to stay clean more than 72 days over the past several years. I started meetings in January and have gone to usually 2 a week and church twice per week and guess what? My fear is now gone! I have also reached out to a young mom who just got 30 days. (she is not yet a believer, but I am going to share Christ with her.) There is power in giving away what you have.

I cannot explain it, but it works. I pray you can pull away from the fear that grips you and meet some other ppl who can help you. I understand you are a believer and love Christ and believe his word, but as soon as you can get clean and stay clean your relationship with Christ will really take off. You will feel a new sense of freedom and also the guilt will disappear. Your walk will get deeper.

Another thing that has helped me is sharing Christ with others.

Blessings, Sheila

[PaulL]

Hi Josh,

I was really touched by your post, and I could certainly identify with much of it! I have a feeling, that with the large numbers of Christian "homeschoolers" in our two countries now, you probably have A LOT of company in those issues of faith, substance abuse and sociability.

What shines through though is your love for the Lord, and really wanting to live for Him. Yes! Don't lose that brother. "He who began a good work in you WILL perfect it..."!!!

A couple of comments if you don't mind. Take what you can use, and leave the rest.

I think you see for yourself how important it is to get out and be with others "Woe to the man who falls down and has no one to hold him up" (Ecclesiates) And I agree, being with other believers in a church context is fundamental. But, knowing how we Chistians like to wear our spiritual masks when together, unless the church you have in mind also has recovery type support groups, you might consider, as the others have suggested, an AA type meeting, where other honest, broken people meet to help each other.

Remember, shame is the big ugly monster that comes between us and God and us and other people. You won't be able to live for the Lord, and minister in power, the way you desire to do as long as shame is sapping your life blood. Mis-use of drugs, alcohol, the internet etc all produce massive quantities of shame, which then become a visious cycle.

Yes! Make the effort. Do the research. Get out and find a supportive group of individuals.
Hope to hear from you again, after you've done your homework :-)