Relationship Question

[Mercedes1]

I have a question that may or may not be relevent to this site however before stoning me please keep an open mind. I am a strong believer that once sober it is issues of "behind the drink" that keeps one living sober.

For me the main issue behind the drink is relationships. I have done my 1-7 steps and largely my 4/5th had to do with relationships..period.

Well, I have a situation and am trying to apply the good "Godly" sense from the program and my Christian b/g to use and still find myself confused.

When do you KNOW a new dating relationship is worth "leaving"?

I have always heard you should date more for qualities of character than looks. This guy I met a couple weeks ago..is attractive but I am not attracted romantically to him (if that makes sense). However he is extremelly nice, polite, funny, courteous, bold (asked me out at a public restaurant where he took a huge risk), all the right stuff. If I was attracted to him I would be thinking he was sent from heaven. So we all know he is a nice guy.

Well becouase he was SO NICE..very polite, courteous etc...I agreed to meet him out. We did. and it was a "nice" dinner. I was not at a place to not go out again but still not any more attracted to him (personally).

Went out again last night and found myself telling some silly jokes I heard the w/end before just to get through the "uncomfortable silences" in our conversation. Didnt help to go to a restaurant where we were the ONLY ones in there....

But, at end of dinner he asked me out again. Now it is for dinner/movie. I don't know what to do.

Part of me says give it a try ...you have to act out on the fact he has good character and being nice to you ..your feelings will change from your effort (do the next right thing). But part of me says..if at this point..you are just leading both of you on. If I don't change it is some what embarassing as I don't feel drawn to him and only delaying the inevitable.

For all you men out there..any advice. He is very nice. I like him alot in every other area (from what I know of him ...just 2 dates) but am I doing him a dis-service if I am not attracted after 2 dates (3 if you count the time we met)?

When is it safe to know..1st date, 2nd or what?

[cmc]

I've heard these two authors speak on this topic. I am sure that there are other good books as well.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye: A New Attitude Toward Relationships And Romance (Paperback)
by Joshua Harris (Author), Rebecca St. James (Author) "THE I KISSED DATING GOODBYE STUDY GUIDE was created to help people share in the journey of seeking God's will for romance..."

[Mercedes1]

CMC, Thanks for your quick reply. In terms of the Kiss Dating goodbye book I have already read that (or skimmed it). To me, that book is based on a very extreme view of Christian dating. Basically author doesn't believe in Dating, period. I don't agree with that author. He is also extremelly young and couldn't relate.

I have also read Boundaries in Dating which is more in lines of my perspecitve of how to manage dating (not whether you should date or not).

This is more a question for men on "etiquiette" of how long is reasonable for the attraction issue to be an issue? Not so much on dating or not to date.

also, ..as far as this guy being a Christian I havent gotten that far yet. I am still at the attraction getting to know him phase. To me whether he is Christian or not, I need to be attracted to him some what to "date".

[cookconfay]

I am the LAST one to know anything about relationships.....BUT....it is my understanding the ones that last and are meant to be are where you are FRIENDS first and foremost. I too have gone out with guys who I wasn't just head over heels physically attracted to. I was told that after 6 - 9 months the initial physical attraction calms down and mellows out so therefore reason to have the friendship thing going on. Like I said, I know absolutely nothing about long lasting relationships, I have a long string of failed ones under my belt. Most of mine too were all about the physical and I am convinced since that's NOT what God intended for me to be doing especially outside of marriage.....that's why things went sour along with the addiction/alcoholism stuff.

Not sure if I am even hitting anywhere close to what you are asking about, but I tried....

[Mercedes1]

All, I am feeling a bit guilty for posting this questin here. Sorry. I don't think it is relevant for this forum. Its just I value your persepctives and to me..the guilt I feel in relationships is enough for me to post here. I am trying to learn from past mistakes...and if I break this off want to know it the "right thing" otherwise I will feel guilty. If I keep going..I also have to remain not to resent him because I do feel awkward at this stage not being attracted. So ..it can lead back to drink if you look at it this way.

It is effecting my serenity.

[Mercedes1]

..."I have a long string of failed ones under my belt..."

Cook, I can totally relate to what you are saying. My life is exactly that statement you made...long string of failed ones.

I guess I want to make a difference and not continue to do things wrong.

BUT, I have tried before to wait it out and continued to be more awkward. Some people say it is too cold make a decision right away..but I admit he is nice. But you can't go out for nice alone..you have to feel some what attracted to go to the next phase (atleast I do).

I have never judged by only looks. But you have to go by that to some degree. If you are n ot attracted no matter how nice they are doesnt get you intimate when /if you are married. And if they are really good looking doesnt either. But "first things first"...

[cookconfay]

How long have you been sober?

[Mercedes1]

I have 2 sober dates: First 1.1.07. However I was down 8.16 (for 5 days - not consecutive though), over a relationship b/up.

So for all of 2007 I was sober 360days (only drank 5 days)..huge compared to all past years. To me (not AA) but to me, I basically have over a year.

But my 2nd consecutive no drink sober date (9.14.07) so I am coming up on 7.0 months

all in all 1yr and 7mos.

[cookconfay]

Just curious cuz you know what they say.....Try to abstain from relationships for the first year. I've been sober 10 1/2 yrs. I've been in & out, I've tried it all different ways. The most growth I've experienced is being totally withOUT a relationship/man in my life. Since my youngest was born....I went 3 1/2 yrs without so much as a cup of coffee with someone. Then an old boyfriend from my past appeared, I tried to do that deal for about 6 months and nope, sure couldn't.....he couldn't get honest and he couldn't NOT drink! Sigh....but being alone/single is sure better than the alternative to me anyways.....ain't about to be puttin up with stupid stuff from 'em!

I am not looking, I am leaving that all up to God. He knows the desires of my heart, my needs are met and if he thinks I should be with someone he'll place them there. I will ONLY date a Christian man with values that mirror my own....i.e. No sex til marriage etc, even though I am an "older" woman, have 2 children and have been married more than once before....sigh.

[best]

When our picker isn't working right (past experiences tell us if it is or not)
I would think we need to list out our wants and needs and then see if what we seek after matches them.
First on your list as a Christian should be... He must be a Christian.

You don't find the spark there because he isn't matching what you are seeking after. If your picker is still broken, you will only find that spark when the wrong person comes along.
The reason AA says to wait a year... the year gives us time to figure out who we are and evaluate what is better for us vs what we have accepted in the past with our wrong thinking.

Make two lists.
List one has the things on it that any guy must have to be acceptable to you (spark or no spark)
List two has the things on it that he must not have at all and if he has even one of those things... It is time to go. Don't sell yourself short.
A good starting place is 5 things on each list. You can expand the list to 10 things each and maybe have the other 5 things be areas you are willing to forgive or accept (as none of us are perfect)
Think with your mind in making choices and as you think and list out your wants and needs... your heart will follow and the right guy will ignite the spark at the right time.
Again...
First on your list as a Christian should be... He must be a Christian.
You should already know that before even saying yes to a date.
A proper Christian man (proper) will be a spiritual leader and would treat you like a queen. For that reason you want that as number one on your list.

[Mercedes1]

Wow...thank you!!! Best...will you marry me? (wink).... Thanks again. I will make my lists. And Cook, what you said makes so much sense. CMC, that book you recommended did have some great points..one was keep things more social to get to know one another..that I do agree. I don't know this guy in any social setting outside of meeting him freakly at a public restaurant waiting for my GF and then of course the "dates".

Anway, thanks again.

[cmc]

Mercedes,
Some benefits of taking things slow aside from acquiring more sober time are- less heartbreaks on both sides and most of all taking precautions to make sure you are safe.

I'm sure that is why you met in public places but there is always a chance that a person I meet off the street could have all sorts of issues and problems not easily detected.

I dated a person who was not a Christian and thankfully realized the truth...I would certainly marry a person that I chose to date and allow myself to become enmeshed into a bad situation. It really wasn't fair to him either.

Like cook explained how she is leaving it up to God...we never know when or how we will meet somebody...a potential same sex friend or a friend with the potential to become more than just a friend.

It's also an excellent way to judge a person's character by how they treat their friends (and their mother!)

I used to tell my kids to be careful who their friends were because they would marry one of them. They thought that was crazy. One of those kids did just that (RA) and is getting married in May.

take care and God bless

[best]

Originally Posted by Mercedes1

Wow...thank you!!! Best...will you marry me? (wink)....

You have a broken picker *LOL*
Someplace on your NO list it should say... Not married and fully desolved of any past relationship.
If things change...ask again when I don't fit on the no list *LOL*
*better not wait though. I have no plans to change things here*