Dissatisfied with the Subconscious

[fifty]

Hey everyone, sorry but I've been away for awhile. Some of you have read my post 40 days/40nights. Well my Lenten retreat from drinking and getting rid of a lot of things has ended on Easter Sunday. Strange thing though, is that I have really been feeling odd; I mean trapped. I have not gone outside except for Church. I thought that by not drinking things would be different, as if I would feel 'lighter' or 'better' for lack of words. But I feel quite honestly the opposite, not like I want to drink but gosh, I wish I could hit the 'nail on the head here'. I do not feel satisfied at all!! I'm happy in spurts but not content. I pick up a book and read a few pages, only to put it down and turn on the tv and then turn it right back off. I wasn't really looking for a miracle after my 'treaking through the desert' and giving up so many bad things, but a little light at the end of the tunnel would have helped.

When I last went to the psych ward I was evaluated with being codependent, you know, depending on others good vibes and opinions to feel good. Some doctors have said I'm Manic, and some have refuted that and said bi polar. No medication has helped. I'm afraid to sleep b/c when I do my subconscious begins to 'empty itself' by reliving past memories and I wake up in a sweat. Therefore, why go back to the psych ward only to run up a big bill that I cannot afford to pay. Furthermore, my history of the meds I've taken has blown my last few docs away.

Melatonin, Chamomile, over the counter sleep aids, seroquil, velarian, etc. has not helped (no matter how many mg's I take) and oh yeah, not even warm milk.

Where is my inability to reach a sense of personal satisfaction coming from? HELP! I am really losing all sense of patience with this. I know so many of us have either said this or heard it but, "when will or how will I feel normal?" *sorry, had to give a smile on that one*

Thanks for your advice and hearing me out....

[CAPTAINZING2000]

i FEEL BETTER BY HELPING OTHERS

[best]

The Subconscious is there and will always be there.
The only thing I have found that works... reading scripture.
I can't remove what is there but I can push it aside with other things.
My thoughts feel purged because they are filled with scripture in the forefront.
Keeping myself busy as scripture says we should does the trick for me.

What is good. What is right... let us think on these things.

[fifty]

thank you for the suggestion! I have been trying to push the other things out of my mind but my focus is really off. Crazy thing is that when I drank it was dead on....suppose it is trying to readjust

[cmc]

Congratulations for staying sober all this time. I've never been in your shoes; my program is Alanon. I am sure that there are others here on SR who will be able to identify with what you are feeling and going through right now.

In my program I am just as likely to feel off kilter if I don't have a person, place or thing to be involved with in a codependent way. I need to find a way to stop needing to do those things.

I could compare this feeling with the 'isms' of alcoholism or being a dry drunk.....Maybe I don't enable the same person but find another way to express my codependence- because it's still there even if I stop the behavior. When I go deeper, I can change from the inside out. Another thing I try to remember is that it took a long time for me to get this way and it will also take time and some hard work to change and do better.

Working a program can help take care of all those feelings and attitudes. In 12 step recovery, many people experience what is called a psychic change. The disease of addiction/alcoholism has a these components: biological, psychological, social, and spiritual.

Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I hope you will continue to stop by and let us know how you are doing.

[fifty]

thanks CMC.....I've been reading a Bible called The Celebrate Recovery Bible and it has helped. One key thing that you said that I have focused on is that it took a long time for me to get myself into this and it will take a long time for me to get out of it. I suppose I am just going through a change and wish it would speed up...hahaha! I'm also guilty of the thing I said I'd never do, "if only". You know? I feel guilty for 'wasting time' but I cannot go back and we can only learn and move forward. It's places like this that I find the positive energy to continue to be sober and to stay strong.

be well....

[353]

Hi fifty,

There's a little book I read every morning called Your Owner's Manual. My sponsor gave it to me, he's been studying and reading spiritual material for 30 years. This little book gives me a new perspective on my life and why I feel the way I do, I recommend it to anyone struggling with subconscious demons.

You can find a copy at The Miracle Distribution Network. I've bought a couple of dozen from that site and if your interested I can send you one. I got so much from the book I like to pass it along when the chance arises.

God's Peace

[GlassPrisoner]

Sounds to me like you might be Restless, Irratable & Dis-content.

The 12 steps of AA cured those symptoms for me !

Also, AAs Big Book and the Christian Bible compliement each other quite well.