Mad at God

[Wolftrap40]

I was converted at 27 after a five-year tour with a rock band. I heard the voice of God, he said "This is what life is like apart from My Son." I became a Christian.

My life was beautiful for fifteen years: Toured with a Christian rock band, had a beautiful marriage for fifteen years, taught courses at my church on C. S. Lewis (I'm an English Professor), and then....after teaching fifteen years at a local high school, one of my favorite students walked into class and blew his brains out all over my shirt with a .45 magnum he stole from his grandpa.

I went into post-traumatic stress shock and started drinking. I ended up with two DUI's in six months, jail, divorce, and am now - five years later - barely understanding what happened.

Dead serious: How could God allow that to happen? He saved me, gave me a home, family, friends....WHY in the **** would God allow that to happen to me? So, he loves us, promises to protect us...WHY???? The fact is that He didn't protect me.

I now teach British and American Lit at a local university, alone with my blue heeler dog. I see my boy three times a week, and we love to play Halo 3 online, and I skate with him.

I know the Bible like you wouldn't believe. I taught it. But nothing, NOTHING will appease the anger I feel toward God right now.

[sugarssweetpea]

I am currently reading a book by Charles Stanley titled Landmines In The Path of the Believer. He talks about different landmines (pride, jealousy & envy, insecurity, compromise, unforgiveness, disappointment, fear, immorality, slothfulness) that Satan places in our lives to try to throw us off course from God & His plan & how we are to deal with them. I was reading this morning after reading your post & this is one of the things I read regarding the landmine of disappointment:

GOD HAS A WONDERFUL PLAN

When a person's life has been blown apart by disappointment, he will not be able to think clearly or with God's principles in mind. Instead of working through an issue with the Lord in prayer, he may react to the problem by saying things he wishes he could take back later. Or he may make an unwise choice that only brings more disappointment.

When we feel let down by God, we need to deal with our feelings immediately. Far too many people drift in their devotion to God as a result of harboring discouragement in their hearts. There was a time when they went to church, studied their Bibles, and worshiped the Lord through praise, song and prayer, but not anymore. They have become disappointed with life and with Him.

Disappointment can be a breeding ground for bitterness and resentment. These can literally eat an emotional hole in your soul if you are not diligent with your thoughts and devotion to God. One woman who was struggling wth depression commented, "I just don't feel like getting up and going to church anymore." Church, however, was the very place she needed to be. If you are struggling in any area, the smartest thing you can do is to ask God to lead you to a Bible-believing church where you can hear His Word taught without compromise.

The world cannot encourage you. It will only lead you farther into cynicism and despair. Satan is the prince of this world, but you do not want to fall under his influence. No matter what it takes, get into God's Word and ask Him to guide you through the darkness you are facing. When you do, He will answer your prayer and also bring a light of hope to your situation.

How do you emerge from disappointment? You probably have read Psalm 23 many times. However, I want you to see several important principles written within this psalm.

First, realize David wrote these words during a very trying time.He was in an emotional valley, but he also was facing an extreme physical threat. When disappointment comes, the first thing we need to do is exactly what David did. He turned to God. The evidence is his leading line into the psalm: "The LORD is my shepherd,/I shall not want" (v.1).

Within these few words, we gain a concise picture of David's unshakable faith in God. When trouble comes, many people immediately ask, "What am I going to do?" they look within themselves for the answer, but David knew who was the source of his strength. God would show him how to deal not only with the situation but also with any feelings of disappointment.

He went on to write, "He makes me lie down in green pastures;/He leads me beside quiet waters" (v.2). When our hearts are in tune with the Lord, we will have a quiet, restful sense of peace. Even though we may be in the middle of very trying times, we will be able to do what David did - walk straight through the valley without becoming overwhelmed by fear.

Peace is the natural overflow of a heart that is set on Christ. You may or may not know why God has allowed you to encounter disappointment, frustration, or deep sorrow. Regardless, the one thing that matters the most is the focus of your faith. Is it set on God or on your ability?

David's heart was set on God. Therefore, he could write,
He restores my soul;
He guided me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. (vv. 3-4)

If you truly want to have peace in your life, trust God wtih your problems, your future, and your very life. He has only good plans for you, but you must be willing to walk with Him through valley times as well as times of carefree joy.

[sugarssweetpea]

Second, David admitted that there was a problem.He did not try to deny it or ignore it. Whatever he was facing, it felt dark and stressful. Remember, he was the anointed king of Isreal, but OGd had not placed him on hte throne as yet. He lived each day with a promise from God tucked deep down in his heart.

We have to wonder how many times Satan whispered, "You are never going to be king," or "You will die in battle before you take the throne." The enemy's existence is based on his ability to draw us away from God through doubt. However, David did not doube. He had a personal, loving relationship with the God of the universe, and he knew that at the right time, every promise that the Lord had given him woul dcome to pass.

David took this a step farther; even if nothing came to pass, he would continue to trust in the Lord his God. He had learned a key principle: "Without faith it is impossible to please (God), for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him" (Heb. 11:6, also vv. 32-33).

[sugarssweetpea]

Third, David understoon that God did not send the trial he was facing. The Lord had allowed it for a purpose. Instead of sinking deep into despair, David responded along the lines that he had been taught to follow: he immediately turned to God, he admitted there was a problem-a trial-and he did not have the ability to face it on his own. then he refused to become overwhelmed by the enemy's attack. He was discerning enough to realize that God had something He wanted David to learn.

The same is true for you. When trouble comes, you can know without a doubt that there is something within the trial that God wants to teach you. The question is, do you want to learn it? David wanted to learn even more about God and His ways, and I trust this is your goal as well.

[sugarssweetpea]

Fourth, David did not shift his focus; it remained on God. There will be times when you receive conflicting information. One person tells you one thing, but your mind pushes you in another direction. If there is a battle going on inside you, ask God to make His way and will perfectly clear to you.

The wisest thing you can do is to get on your knees with the Word of God and cry out, "Oh, God, speak to my heart. SHow me what I need to do. Help me to hear your voice so I will have clear guidance through this distressful time."

Sometimes when you do this God will catapult you right out of discouragement because you have turned to Him in faith. You trust Him and there is no way He will overlook your prayers (Jer. 33:3).

David often recalled the times God had delivered him in the past. The cornerstone of his faith was God's faithfulness. Time after time, he had witnessed God's goodness at work in his life. Therefore, he cold say. "You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;/You have anointed my head with oil;/my cup overflows" (Ps. 23:5)

[sugarssweetpea]

Finally, David confessed with his mouth that God would do exactly what He had promised. He was God, and there was none beside Him. God was in complete control of David's life: "Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,/And I will dwell inthe house of the LORD forever" (Ps 23:6). When it came to devotion, there was no question in David's life. He was totally committed to God.

You can defuse the landmine of disappointment by confessing the truth of God. turn to His Word, and study about His faithfulness, attributes, and personal promises to you. Dig deep and you will gain an awesome perspective of His nature - who He is and the depth of His intimate love for you. He always listens when you pray to Him, and He will come to your aid, just as He did for David.

[todd6138]

I haven't had time to read all of the replies but I feel your pain brother. The only thing that comes to mind is the horror of living on this earth and how wonderful it will be to go to heaven and meet our CREATOR. My prayers are certainly with you and while I have never witnessed anything that horrible I am a survivor of addicition myself and that makes me glad that is how we got to chat a bit. Thanks for sharing with us and I pray ou get some relief from God and just know we care.

[nytepassion]

Wolftrap,

I grew up thinking God was a big bad guy in the sky just waiting to punish me for all my wrongs. I didn't like God .. I wanted nothing to do with him. I wouldn't even allow a Christian program on my tv.

I spent a major part of my life in active addiction ... Here is my story Click Here
Once you arrive there go to the blogs section and click on
(My Story by Sher aka Passion)

The actual page is for my ex (Scotty) who lost his life to meth.
His online memorial is here Click Here

When my marriage to fell apart I blamed God and I turn away and ran from him .. I came back to him just last year after 12 years of running .. a week later my little girl was diagnosed with a "wilms tumor" Kidney cancer Click here Please go back into her journal and read it

Today my current marriage is falling apart .. I just posted about it here on SR
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-leaving.html (My husband is leaving)

Here is updates
Click here (Latest and greatest)

Todays .. please read it
God is awesome (He knows he was wrong)

I know it is alot to read, but I encourage you to do so.... I've been angry with God before too .. I understand the pain and hurt behind it .. the feeling of betrayal .. the why did you allow this to happen Lord .. I trusted you ..

please just click the links and read the stories .. I pray it speaks to your heart.

In His Love,
Sherry aka Passion

My myspace

[BrokenBridges24]

((((Woldtrap))))

I feel your pain. But I do not think God led you a stray. I think you have something called free will. We all do. God whispered in your ear when you took that first drink. When you could not live without it he whispered again. You choose not to hear...or maybe you were not listening. I can only speak for myself... I know I sure did not listen. But the beauty is...he is there now. Waiting for you to come back. You know that. Being a person of faith and preaching it..you know in your heart what is right and that God has not forsaken you.
I do not see you as a loser in this. I see how you have grown and how losing all your dreams and everything you held dearly made you a better person now. We are not losers because of what we did...we are winners because of what we did and how we over come. The glass is never half empty... it is always half full you just have to open your eyes and see it in a different light.
God is there. When times were hard and you were at your worst he still was there. All you have to do is reach for him. Call out his name. Fall on your knees and pray. Then listen. I am sure he has much to tell you. But hating him and blaming him makes it easier for us. Easier to except how horrible we have been. We can displace the blame. But you... like me... are to blame for the mess we were in. You...like me...are to be proud of how far you have come. God... was there. We did not listen. God was there... we turned him away. God was there... sometimes he carried us when we almost wanted to end it all and saved us so we can have today with our kids.

Your son needs a father. He needs you heathly. God holds you close as a son but you have to reach out and ask for forgiveness now. Ask him to take you back into the fold. You know the right way... don't make the wrong choice now.

(((HUGS))) If you need a friend...I am here.

-Broken

[best]

Originally Posted by Wolftrap40

I went into post-traumatic stress shock and started drinking. I ended up with two DUI's in six months, jail, divorce, and am now - five years later - barely understanding what happened.

Dead serious: How could God allow that to happen?

When we are faced with traumatic happenings in our life, we have choices.
Your choice was the bottle.
God gave us free will and He will never take that from us.
Look at my signiture line. Your choice could have been to grab on tighter to the Lord in your pain.
Stephen was stoned to death. How could God allow such to happen to one of His own? As you read the story of Stephen, you will see that God protected him in his spirit. Stephen was filled with so much peace that he was able to see heaven open up before him and see the promises of God even before leaving this earth.
I have had situations in my life that I could have turned back to the bottle.
I had a situation in my life that I thought a 45 would be the best answer.
When my pain reached a point that I thouht a bottle was the answer, I remembered my past and didn't pick up the bottle. When my pain reached such a point that a 45 looked like the best answer, I had but one choice left and that choice was... Help me Jesus.
On that day I started to understand to some degree why it is written... The peace that transcends all understanding.
How could I be hurting so much but feel such love and peace at the same time?
Life happens.
God's promise is to help us through life... both the good and the bad parts of life. I make choices every day. When my choice is to seek God's comfort in the storm, the storm doesn't go away but my spirit sure can handle the storm with a peace in my heart.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

[best]

Wolf

When suicides happen around us, we tend to blame ourself. I could have, I should have...
This I know... we can't control other people. You would have stopped things if you could.
It wasn't your fault.
You couldn't stop it.
You couldn't control it.
Unless you can stay awake 24 hours a day...every day for eternity and follow a person around for every second of the day...
Like I said... you had no control over the situation. The young man was going to do what he did even if it was another teacher in that room that day.

[cmc]

Welcome to Christians In Recovery. I'm very glad you decided to share your story with us. I can't imagine what it was like for you to have witnessed what happened with your student. I taught in a Christian school for over 15 years and know that bond with students and sometimes their parents can be strong. I am so sorry for what has happened to you, it is so sad.

When horrific things happen, I ask myself, "Why?" It makes no sense and "I" don't have and answer. God has an answer and I've come to the conclusion that for some things we won't know until the time comes for all things to be known. I do believe that what Sugarsweetpea shared and the other replies reflect what the bible offers us about these types of tragedies.

I grew up with the image of a loving god and with the idea that no bad thing, no tragedy would happen to me or my family. I also grew up with the idea that by faith any problem could be solved or fixed. Life events, plus studying the bible have taught me otherwise.

I had twisted things to make a world that would be in my view....like heaven. Heaven is a reality but not in this time and place- until the Lord returns these things will continue. If it were not true, we would have no need of a Savior and Jesus' death and resurrection would be of no use.

It was a nice fantasy but I learned that being a Christian didn't afford me the privileges I desired....a 'rose garden' existence.

I won't go into the details but I've been through some dark times having two very sick children and a spouse diagnosed with a debilitating disease for which there is no cure. There is more pain in my life, but I'd rather not go into it all here and now. I now see life as a combination of both joy and sorrow and rely on the idea put forth in the Serenity Prayer.

I've been angry at God and thankfully He doesn't stop loving me when I'm mad. What happens to me when I'm resentful is universal. I get all twisted up inside, become bitter, reject the One who loves me and while I am in charge of things...I mess it up, sometimes making things worse than the situation that got me there in the first place.

I realized that He would sometimes allow things in my life that were out of my control, I had to work through how I viewed this whole situation called 'life.' I had to reevalutate who God is, and what is his nature and intent. Being in recovery as a codependent has helped me with this issue more than I can say.

Jesus gave his life for a sinful world. The sin that is in this world causes kids like your student to take his life. That same sin takes my hurt and if I allow it...I fall further into sin. It's a lose/lose situation that can only be changed when I accept He is: God, Good and Sovereign. Once I get there, I begin to resolve things and healing starts.

Reading a book by Joni Tada...although I admire her greatly, was not on my list of things to do because I was not about to accept what I saw as spiritual defeat. Her book, listed below and one by Steve Brown spoke to my heart and have been of great help to me personally. Both books helped me regain my sanity and brought me closer to God than I could have imagined. I've included brief exerpts from the publishers' reviews.

When God Weeps

When life hurts, can God be trusted? What are his purposes in the face of suffering? Joni Eareckson Tada---herself a quadriplegic---knows about pain. Now she and Pastor Steven Estes combine their deep personal experience with solid biblical foundations to help you find answers to your questions and learn to trust God---no matter what. 256 pages, trade paperback from Zondervan.

When Your Rope Breaks

Steve Brown offers biblical hope for those who are suffering and burned out. Readers will receive courage as they, like Job, learn how their broken ropes can be redemptive opportunities to experience "the great depths of God's unconditional love"

Christians facing difficult times will be encouraged as they look at life in light of God''s everlasting love and purpose for them.

Here is one more book that made an impact in my life. The author discusses, in depth, the qualities of physical and emotional pain: Where Is God When It Hurts? by Philip Yancey (Author) "I feel helpless around people in great pain..."*

I'm so glad to meet you and hope you will continue to come by and share. There are so many great people here, and as you can see by the replies, many who care.

[Lily]

Wolftrap,

I can hear your anger and I do not doubt that that was a horrific thing that happened to you, however God gave that guy who blew his brains out a free will. Unfortunately he chose to do that and that was awful for you. I am also so sorry that happened to you.

I was saved in 1989.....from then on my life was a cake walk. Everything was awesome for me, I had a wonderful relationship with the Lord, a great church, a healthy son (who I had had 6 months before coming to Christ, and NO baggage....not only did the guy not want to be involved with me or my son, he never fought it and he was a part of my addictive past.)

Fast forward to 1998, I began to date the man of my dreams. I had noticed him from afar for years and FINALLY he noticed me and asked me out. He was the most humble Godly man, right after asking for my hand in marriage, he asked if he could adopt my son. I was on a cloud. I had been clean a sober for several years and Bob and I were going to live happily ever after with my son Matt and have lots and lots of babies and grow old together.

well.....after our beautiful wedding on July 25th, 1998, everything was just a fairy tale. Then on April 19, 1999, (the same day as the columbine massacre) everything came crashing down.........See, Bob had been having some strange symptoms runny nose, confusion, major sleepiness, and finally he had a hallucination while driving. We took him to the ER 3 times in one week. Finally after an MRI I had begged for the neurologist came back to tell me the bad news. Bob had 4 brain lesions that were most likely malignant. After he had his biopsy, it was confirmed it was Primary CNS Lymphoma only of the brain. Full brain cancer. we tried many different things. Our doctors in San Diego sent us up to Portland Oregon to OHSU where he was treated w/ intra-arterial chemo with a 50% cure rate! We were so excited! Each month the tumor shrunk on the MRI's and there was hope once again, as I just KNEW God was going to heal him.

7 months after he begun treatment there was no longer any trace of cancer on his MRI's they were clean! In Feb 2000 however on our flight back up to Portland, Bob complained of double vision and sure enough, his clean scans the previous month now showed a new baseball sized tumor. I was crushed! They tried one last drug on him carboplatium, but I knew the failure rate was extremely high and I was so depressed that on the flight back I made the concious choice to take some of his vicodin. That started a downward spiral for me, of drinking, smoking weed and calling in Rx's for his meds for me to abuse.

See, things happen in our lives and how we chose to deal with them is our choice. We live in a fallen world. I know Bob went home to be with Jesus on Feb. 19, 2001 and I fell into a deeper depression. The drugs didn't help, in fact I am 1000% positive they exasterbated the situation and made it much worse.

Since all of that I have had a constant struggle to STAY CLEAN. I will get 1, 2 years, 5 or 6 months, 47 days, 90 days, etc...then relapse. However, it is my sinful choice to pick back up.

I am happily re-married now, (met a widower online) but I am still struggling to stay clean.

I pray you and I both can learn to live one day at a time w/out drinking or drugging. I pray that you would not chose to pick up today and drink. I pray that when those firey darts from the enemy come, you could combat them with Gods word in Eph. 6.

I pray that would not lose heart or grow weary in well doing. This is a hard life here, but when we go home to be with the Lord this life will be just a distant memory.......

Thanks for posting and may the Lord continue to heal your hurts. He loves you so much!! Don't let the devil steal anymore of your joy. You belong to the Lord!

blessings, Sheila

[CAPTAINZING2000]

God didn't do that

God is love

that was a mixed up young man.

I count count all the number of suicides I've been around in my years in AA.

snap of a finger and a life is no longer there.

that makes me realize how precious life is.

God gave us free will, that in it self can be deadly. we can do God's will or we can choose the other path.

The wages of sin is death!!

Too bad, you wasn't able to talk about this before drinking. you found out the hard way that, drinking only compounds problems and doesn't solve them.



by the way, how do you know this ?

{ quote} The fact is that He didn't protect me.

How do you know that student didn't some in to shoot you and God spared you??

Did you ever think of that??

What gives me hope for humanity is the fact that after a tragedy, people pull together.
After katrina, we had nations from all over offering us help. After the tsunami people all sent aid to help. Every time, there's a major calamity around the world, the good in people comes shining thru. That's God working thru us.

You're alive, that's all that matters. Every day on Earth is a gift from God. Every day!!!


Hebrews 13: 5
Be content with such things as ye have: for he (Jesus) hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. (Say it, then read it again and again …… til you absolutely know Jesus promised never to leave you no matter what. He will stay with you and continue to love you. You are His and He will not forsake you.)

[toad]

Hello Wolf and welcome to the forum. I use that name on another forum, feel like I am responding to myself.

I am a vietnam veteran and also PTSD. I have learned that the problem is not God, but self, and most of all the mind. "The main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind rather than in his body." (page 23)

I struggled for 12 years after nam with alcoholism and drug abuse fueled by nightmares, sleeping disorders, broken relationships, rage, dui's, and arrests. When I was doing time in 1983 I allowed Jesus Christ to change my life. I still had trouble staying sober. I was always in and out of treatment and jails. It wasn't until 1998 that I was able to stay sober, one day at a time, with the help of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I still go to the VA hospital monthly to discuss my PTSD with a counselor. I have been working with him for 15 years. He is a Christan. But the truth is that I have received more help with my PTSD from working the steps of AA than anything else in my life. AA has given me the tools to let healing from God flow into my mind, body, soul, and spirit.

Just sharing some of my experience, strenght, and hope.

Hey....here are a few of my toys: Ibanez 5 string bass, American Strat with seymour duncan pickups, Roland RD 700 keys.

[trakin]

Originally Posted by Wolftrap40

I heard the voice of God, he said "This is what life is like apart from My Son."

I haven't read any of the replies -- only your initial post.

And in response, for what it's worth -- maybe nothing -- I offer a question. And also a joke. An old joke. You may have already heard it.

The _question_ is: When you heard the voice of God speak to you, did you assume he was speaking to you in terms of time as you understand it, or in terms of time as God understands it?

The joke?

Well... I must admit, I tell it very badly...it has to do with an old woman...or an old man... or a young woman or young man...or maybe even someone who has gender identity issues...whatever. You choose. (To make it funnier, pick whatever life circumstance you most identfy with.)

The __________(As I've already explained, _you_ fill in the blank) is telling his/her (whatever) Christian Friend about all of the terrible things that have happened to him/her. (He/She) says: "(Again: please fill in the blank: you could have students blowing their brains out, parents dying, children dying, limbs being lost in war, rapes, murders...etc. ad infinitum...whatever suits the circumstance...whatever would make the joke funnier... )"

After hearing all about what the joke's protagonist (he/she old/young gay? lesbian? possibly transgendered? surely human...whatever!) has said, the Christian Friend says: "Be strong! Be happy! You know, God wouldn't give you anything He didn't know you couldn't handle!!"

The _________ replies: "Yes! I know!!! I only wish He didn't have such a high opinion of me!!!!

A hug,

Trakin

[Wolftrap40]

Oh my gosh....I am reading these posts and I am in tears. I never, ever, cry. Where did my faith go? God promised to be there, He promised, but look what happened!!!!

Do you know that to this day, several years after, all I can think of is that I didn't know that brains were pink? I'm so lost.

Although every inch, bone, and part of my body wants to give up, I'm going to start with the Charles Stanley book. I am going to read every inch of these posts and consider it although my heart and soul is so mad at God that I have to force it with all my strength. I know...I KNOW...deep down that God is not to blame. But that leaves me, and I was his teacher, and I should have picked up on the signs. I could have helped him!

I have to ask myself how I found this website. I went through three months of recovery and no one ever wanted to mention God of the Bible, just a politically correct "Higher Power." Why do you people even care about me?

But thank you, oh so very much, for caring anyway. I'm trying SO HARD.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

There is Christian recovery meetings as well in larger cities.

Except for closing with the Lord's Prayer we don't mention anything but a higher power either.

Sad, so many alcoholics want to avoid anything to do with God coming in. So many of us were brought up with the fire an brimstone God.

That's not my take on the God of my understanding.

If, God wasn't forgiving, why did he send his son to Earth to save us from our sins?