It just seems so hard

[sugarssweetpea]

It just seems so hard to stay focused on where I need to be. So hard for me to stay focused on Jesus. So hard to stay focused on where He wants me to be. So hard to stay out of myself. You all have talked to me over time about serving to help with this. It is so hard to even do that. Every time I am even scheduled to serve at my church I start feeling the blahs. It does not matter what area either. I hate the way I feel. I read so many books in addition to the bible. All non fiction, all on things that I need to grow in. I know that I am growing, I just have days or weeks it seems that it is so hard to stay on track. For some people, it seems that they just are always on track. Like, I know that everyone has struggles, but some things are just what they "do". Going to church, not getting angry at the drop of a hat (I am getting way better with that, just have to work on the scarcasm & thinking that everyone that does not do things MY way is stupid), gentleness (in spirit). I don't know, I just do not know how to love people & show it. These last couple of weeks I have not even wanted to spend time with my own children. I have of course, but it has been really hard for me. I get so lazy as well. I have these feelings of wanting to jump out of my skin, wanting to get out of the house & do something, but too lazy to do it, no motivation to even go outside. It tears me apart b/c I know what I SHOULD be doing, how I should be acting, what I should be thinking yet I struggle so hard to do so & for what. So I can sit on this stupid computer or go to the kitchen & eat something & get even fatter & more lazy. Sorry, I know that I am hormonal right now (sorry guys) & have had quite a bit of sugar in the last week, so I know that plays a big part in how I am feeling. I just don't understand if I feel so good when I don't eat the sugar & get outside, why can I not stick to it for more than a week. Or even a few days. Why when I struggle so hard on the days that I do not get up & spend time with Jesus (like today), do I find it so hard to get up. Why do I not do the things that make me feel good? Am I some sick, demented person that likes to wallow in my own self pity? Why is it so hard? I just always feel so under attack in every area & I always feel that I lose the battles. I know that I don't lose all of them, it just seems that way. Anyway, none of this came out like I thought it would. Seems more of a ramble. SOrry, but thank you for letting me vent.

[best]

and Paul said... Why do I do the things I do rather then the things I know I should do?

Paul understood the weakness of the flesh but he also understood the strength of the Lord.
In all we do, even when we don't feel there is a need for the Lord's strength to fill us... we should seek out His hand all the same.

I can do this...
But when I ask of the Lord...
Thank you for the ability to do this... and I ask that You guide me Lord so I will do it to the best of my ability.
Prayer is like exercise at times. It is good for us but untill we get good habits, we tend to not find the strength to continue doing it.
Just like exercise... push out that extra effort and once we get started, we grow in energy and strength.

Use the steps in all areas of life.
Start each day by using the steps.

Lord today I will have things to do.
Some I can do on my own...guide me there.
Some I will need Your strength to do because of my own, I can't.
Lord these are my known things for the day....
Lord, You know what else will come into my day.
Help me in all that I do this day.

By taking the first three steps and using them for all areas of life...
We can do all things through Christ that strengthens us.

[todd6138]

Man. I can totally relate. I have all of these plans for my day, and by the end I am beating myself up once again saying why can't I do more? I read all Bible or recovery related literature; I watch shows like charles stanley or cleb rehab or intervention I have a hard time relaxing and am keyed up over things like dieting or getting a raise or dressing better. Gosh I am constantly feeling the need to be approved or evaluated and criticized. And really all I want to do is go to bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep- a lot. I pray a lot have been sober nine months and tithe and attend church faithfully every time the doors open. I feel I have a fairly close relationship with Jesus and I seek ways to improve every day, yes depression is the word I use to describe myself. some could even say paws. I find it unwise to not go without medical advice and i also do therapy. I have done better in recent months but I still have those strange mental breakdowns periodically. All I can say is that I didn't get sick overnight from alcohol and drug use, and I won't get well overnight either unless God simply intervenes, but I feel I am learning to trust Him more through this process. So just hang in there, don't give up five minutes before the miracle happens, pray hard, don't use and possibly seek help. Thanks for letting me identify with your life today. God Bless!

[best]

Luke 12

Do Not Worry

22Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]? 26Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

27"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

[sugarssweetpea]

I forced myself to do my bible study (and yes, believe me, I was trying to talk myself out of it) & am feeling better. One thing that always bothers me lately & I am really noticing me having to force myself to do is physical touch. Even with my children. It just seems cold to me. I go through the motions, but to show sincere compassion is relaly hard for me to do. It feels wierd. It is like I am looking at myself thinking WHAT ARE YOU DOING....THIS IS NOT AND I MEAN NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!! What made me realize it today or I should say tonight is in my bible study homework (I am taking the Beth Moore study "Jesus the One and Only"), it was talking about Jesus healing people by touching them. The focus being on the touching & closeness Jesus had when he healed Simon's mother in law of the fever & continued healing people in Simon's home after dark (Luke 4:38-41). Beth Moore focused on how Jesus bent over the woman meaning he got close to her. Then, she continued about how it is the same with her and her own children when they get sick, she just wants to be close to them, not stand over them with a checklist of symptoms. Well, I do hold mine, but after the checklist of symptoms is completed. Anyway, it really applied to everything I have been feeling lately. Just goes to show again, how Satan does not like when we grow. When we start to let go & let God in the areas of our weaknesses. And on that note, when asked to write in the margin of my book what God was speaking to me through today's lesson, I wrote that Jesus is REAL & I need to feel His love & let His love flow through me to others.

Thanks for listening & sharing with me.

[Lily]

I can so totally relate to everything you have said. I too get housebound but don't want to leave. (it doesn't help that it is -1 out right now either) My husband works nights so it is so easy to just get into vege mode for me too. I'll bet I would ditch out of church on Wednesday nights and my 4 yrs old wouldn't even realize it if it wasn't for 2 neighbor boys who I have committed to taking to church each Wednesday night for Awana's.

The sugar thing plays a major role in my lazy sluggish feelings too. I have been overeating once again.

I really think that the devil does want to make us uneffective Christians though too. I honestly think if he can throw those firey darts at us and bum us out, he will. I am reading a book right now and it is on spiritual warfare. It is just a little thin book by Brian Broderson, but it is soooo good! I haven't read very many of those cuz I know a lot of times it is just my own weak flesh & I do not want to give the devil credit for everything but there is a lot of truth to it. The armor we can put on is prayer, the word of God and worship. Eph. 6 talks about it.

I have had a very depressing week, but with God and his power and might I will prevail and so will you! One day....we will be with HIM forever and ever and this constant battle in which we live will be over.

The only thing that really brings me joy is when I witness. Last night I was able to share with a teenage girl. I left her with a Christian tract and she seemed receptive.

I pray you can drag yourself out of this funk and me too! Lets not let the devil steal our joy. Blessings in Christ, Sheila

[sugarssweetpea]

Todd,
Thanks for sharing with me. I will not use drugs or alcohol. Unfortunately, the thing I have been struggling with since I got clean & sober is food (sugar, actually all junk). It adds to the depression & it seems like every time I try to quit it, the feelings of wanting to drink come back. I don't get much cravings for drugs. It has been almost 7 years for drugs & Feb 16 will be 6 for alcohol, but I see the same pattern with food. It also scares me that when I think about or actually start to try to control the eating & quit the sugar, the cravings come back for the alcohol. BAD!! To the point of thinking of how I could sneak it past my husband. BAD!! That is why I have recently started working the steps. Need to get this addictive behavior turned over to God where it belongs. I am also going to attend my first Celebrate Recovery tomorrow night. I am working on step 4 right now & meet with a friend once a week to go over some questions I got online to help with working the steps. My friend is a psychology major & is doing a study for writing a book on the effects that healthy eating, exercise & reading God's word have a change on a person's mental & physical well being. She has asked me to be part of the study & I am being evaluated on Saturday, so hopefully that will help me to be more accountable for my actions as well.

[sugarssweetpea]

Sheila,
Thank you so much for your post & your encouraging words. I teach Team Kid at our church on Wed nights, so I have to be there as well. That is one thing that helps me get there. I also serve in some area three out of 4 Sunday mornings as well. I feel good when I serve in the church, just have a hard time with serving in my own home. I think that everything there should revolve around ME for some bizarre reason. Frustrating b/c my home is where "church" should start & be the most effective. It is so hard for me to teach the word of God to my children & then have such an ugly, negative hehavior & outlook myself. Like tonight, be really bummed out, sarcastic, ugly mood, then pray & sing Jesus Loves Me (among others) to them before bed. Talk about hypocritical!! I HATE that about myself!! My children should be able to see Jesus in me more than anyone else can & unfortunately, that is not true. I long for the same attitude at home that I have in church.

[Lily]

I always say "nobody REALLY knows you until they live with you!" Now isn't that the truth? of course we are hypocrites. Sure we fall short daily in thought, word and deed daily. Just humble yourself when you blow it and ask your kids to forgive you. I think it is important for our kids to see us ask them to forgive them and to know it isn't GOOD ppl who go to heaven, but it is ppl who know JESUS Christ as their Savior, cuz none are good. I blow it all the time and am forever having to seek forgiveness. You are right, our ministry does start at home....but we are sinners and we are saved by grace. so just keep singing and praying w/ your kids and loving them. God bless you Sugar!
Sheila

[toad]

Sugar..........I love you and there's not a thing you can do about it.

You sound just like the rest of us. Praise God for grace, I don't have to be perfect, all I have to do is believe.

I don't know what the weather is like in your neck of the woods, but around here it's cold. You sound like you have cabin fever........here are some encouraging words:

"55 days till spring"

What ever is going on, it will pass.........just keep keep your words a flowing here on these forums and you won't have a build up.

Quess what??.........God loves you and there's nothing you can do about it either.

[sugarssweetpea]

The weather is actually not bad. 70ish today, but overcast, windy & a little bit rainy. The problem is that I can always find an excuse NOT to go outside. Whether it be hot, its too hot, cold, too cold, windy, too windy.... you get it. Laziness being the problem, not the weather. Anyway, God gave me a smile anyway... I got to watch my cat catch a frog... IN THE HOUSE

[sugarssweetpea]

Well, unfortunately I yelled at my kids already this morning. And it is only 6:30. One of them woke me at 5 & did not go back to sleep until almost 6 & then the other got up at 6:30 & when he did he woke the first one again & now they are both awake. I apologized for yelling, but am still frustrated more at myself than anything. I JUST POSTED ABOUT LETTING THE LOVE OF JESUS FLOW THROUGH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was NOT the way to do it!!!! It's days like these that I begin to wish that God never wasted His time creating me. B/c that is all I am ... a waste. I cannot do anything right. Ever. Sorry all.

[sugarssweetpea]

I put the tv on for my boys & did my bible study homework. I feel a little bit better, but not much. I just get so frustrated with myself. I know that we are all sinners (Rom 3:23), but come on, it gets so frustrating that I cannot get it right even all of one day. I know that I have grown, Christ has grown me & is becoming more of me than He was even a few days ago, but it is just always such a battle. It seems like I will be doing really good with not getting angry, then all of a sudden an outburst will happen. Which, has the ability to undo all the good you have done all day with one bad thing. Frustrating. I hate this life here on earth, at least who I am. I know that I am becoming who God created me to be, & I will not be perfect until I am in Heaven with Him, but I want to be more for Him here on earth. I guess I just have too much bad in me to grow as fast as I want to be growing. Too much anger, frustration & lack of obedience.

UGGGG... sorry to be so down today.

[sugarssweetpea]

I just lost it on them AGAIN!!! I cannot get it together this morning. I hate days like these. I do not understand how if a person has Jesus in them, how they can mess up so bad. I just don't get it. The selfishness I have is unbelievable. I do not know how to change it. I really don't. I even wonder sometimes if He really is in me & I in Him. My husband said that if He wasn't living inside me, the Holy Spirit would not convict me of as much as He does. I would not have the desire to be like Jesus & spend time with Him.

The funny thing...even after how badly I have behaved this morning, both of my children still want to be around me. They are as crazy as I am.

[sugarssweetpea]

I am feeling better. I just get frustrated with the constant inner battles. It mentally, emotionally & physically drains me. Sometimes I wish I could just simply be. Just simply exist. For things to be easy. For choices to come naturally. Anyway, I know God is teaching me & I am learning.

[BrokenBridges24]

You are not alone sugar. I so can relate to what you are saying. I want so bad to just be today. I am emotionally drained. I am mentally given as much as I can. Today I just want to exist. Slip in through the cracks and just live and have it come easy. Not have a "bad day" But, you know what...I think God is not ready for me to be that way yet. He is still teaching me. I have much to learn. Being a better me means I have to learn how to be before I can be. If that makes sense. Like walking..have to walk before you can run. you fall a few times and then one day it all comes together. Hang in there. You are not alone.

Thanks for writing all you did above because it spoke to my heart and you helped me... maybe that was God's plan today.

-Broken

[sugarssweetpea]

Thanks for the encouraging words Broken. I am not happy to hear that you are feeling the same, but at the same time it feels good to hear that I was able to help someone.

[cmc]

((sugarsweetpea))

[riri]

Hi Sugarsweetpea!
I know how it feels!
I used to scream also at my kids. I implored Jesus for one year to help me with it.
I realized that I wasn't really screaming at them. I was screaming because I was frustrated and they just happened to be there conveniently so I could vent my anger.I was very angry.
Angry at my dead husband (he died in 2000 - alcohol and drugaddict) and I was so mad at him for having caused me and my kids so much sorrow.
Angry at my parents (my mother was an alcoholic, she died young, my father remarried, I never got on with my stepmother).
Angry at myself (I was an addict from my 15th year till my 30th year) and all the terrible things I had done.
Angry because I am a single mother with all the difficulties, hardships and lonlyness that that entails ......
Feeling left out when God passed around the happyness presents......

I realised that I projected my frustrations at my kids.
So I worked on that with my counselor for over one year, and am happy to say that I got the screaming bouts less and less, in fact, I hardly scream anymore nowadays, and you should have heard me when I still screamed, we are all very temperamental in the family!!. So if Jesus can solve my screaming problem, he certainly can solve yours.
The good news is that my kids were not permanently damaged, we now have a good relationship. I always apologized and explained to them that it was me who had the problems, not them. I prayed a lot and Jesus healed their hurts.
Pray for your kids, it will do them so much good.

Heard in church today a good sermon: "Love God with all of your heart .... and love your Neighbour AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF" If you do not love (accept) yourself, you will not love and accept your neighbour. If you do not feel yourself completely and unconditionaly loved by God, you cannot accept others with all their hang-ups. If you do not know for certain that you are unconditionaly loved, you will be overcritical with yourself and others.
Feelings of self-hatred are quite common among christians.
They are even more common among ex-addicts - I did some pretty nasty things which I cannot make undone. We see all of our sins, weaknesses, struggles. God sees Jesus in us and with Jesus we are justified, forgiven, more than overcomers, beloved children.
The thing is: God knew all along about our strengths and our weaknesses. He took us lock, stock and barrel. When Jesus died for us on the cross he took us as a complete package deal. He loves us completely. And he wants us to have PEACE WITH OURSELF, with our past, with our shortcomings. To stop accusing ourselves! He does not accuse us. To forgive ourselves. He forgives us. To be more tolerant with ourselves. To have mercy for ourselves, He always has mercy for us. We are not perfect. We never will be perfect (not down here on planet earth anyway). (I am not saying we should not work together with the holy spirit on our issues, but that is not the point here).
If God loves you, then you can love and accept yourself also (I'm not talking about narcisstic and self-centered love).

God does not make mistakes and when he says that thru Jesus we are his children he means it.
Brennan Manning, one of my favourite christian authors, wrote a book on self-hatred. I can really recommend it.
I do not know if what I said applies to you, or if you are just having the normal blues which we all get from time to time (here in Germany we have a word for it - Weltschmerz - which means the pain that this life here on earth brings with it). But I hope that it was helpfull, because, with the help of Jesus, when you know for sure deep down inside of you how much Jesus loves and accepts you - the whole of you with everything that that entails, your past, present and future - your strengths and your weaknesses - your soul will be healed and you will scream less and less.
Jesus has mercy for you. Go easy on yourself sugar, and have mercy for yourself also. Jesus is very happy that you belong to him and is cheering you on !
Hope what I said makes sense and that it helps you.

[best]

Originally Posted by sugarssweetpea

Well, unfortunately I yelled at my kids already this morning. And it is only 6:30. One of them woke me at 5 & did not go back to sleep until almost 6 & then the other got up at 6:30 & when he did he woke the first one again & now they are both awake.

What were your choices in that moment?

I keep coming back to this thread wondering what words to share.

Raise up a child in the way they will go.

That verse doesn't mean mold them into what you think they should be but guide them based on who they are.
They woke you up...Kids do that from time to time. It is part of who they are...kids.
Rather then me give you my answers of what I have done... tell me what you think would have been a different way of handling that situation?

My parents didn't give me the answers because they didn't know them. I had to learn many things on my own. (still learning as well) I want to stop my old ways and the ways of my parents and that takes me learning better ways to have the buck stop here. I know you want the same. So what other choices did you have in that moment between 5-6:30 AM