Taking children to worship services?

[Astro]

Hello all. I could use some advice and suggestions from single parents (I guess being a single parent doesn't make much difference!) about taking pre-teens to worship services. Let me provide a little background first.

My parents were Methodists, I was baptised and confirmed at a Methodist church. We attended services most Sundays, my brothers and I attended Sunday School classes until we were around 12 or 13, then we attended services with our parents. I can't say I recall why, but I disliked church and resented being there. At the age of 14 our parents let us decide whether or not we wanted to continue going to church, so I bailed out at that point and went once or twice a year for the next 27 years.

Fast forward to now. I've been in recovery since Feb. 2005. AA has helped me to understand God, I have a strong faith and belief in Him and in Christianity, but I'd like to continue to develop my understanding and spirituality. My older brother has a strong Christian faith, my GF and friends attend worship services regularly and are a huge inspiration to me, I'm really excited about this stage of development in my recovery and spirituality and I'd like to nurture it as much as possible.

So here's the sticky part for me. During my marriage to my ex we never made any effort to take our children to church, they went a few times for Easter or Christmas services but that was it. As part of the Parenting Plan from our divorce it was decided that I should take care of their religious upbringing if I chose to do so. In early sobriety I wasn't able to think much beyond tying my shoelaces so I chose not to do anything. But now I'd like to start taking them to services every other weekend with my GF, so that we can start sharing our faith together. We tried a couple services at a nearby Christian Bible Church, my 10 year old daughter enjoyed them but my 12 year old son didn't want to go back. This weekend I attended a worship service at a charismatic church. This is where I'd like to take my children, and I'd like them to try the youth programs.

How have you as parents taken this approach with your children? I guess if I had started taking them at an earlier age they might have a different appreciation, but at this point I'm expecting some resistance. I also have a slight fear that I need to work on about my ex being judgemental about this.
Soooo, any and all thoughts you have on this subject would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance!

Scott

[grateful2b]

I'd like to start by saying I will be forever grateful to my parents for taking me to church as a child because it awaken in me a lifelong desire to know the God of my understanding. I was the oddball in my family and the only kid of 7 who got baptized at the age of 12.
Having said that I am not a religious person, but rather a spiritual one. I took my daughter to church with me, to churches that celebrated the individuals search for God. I taught her that she needed to find her own relationship with God. The day she said I don't want to go, I respected that. She has gone to church when she was young and has sat at the feet of a bhuddist meditation master at the age of four. Even though my daughter is struggling with addiction, she is a very spiritual person and when she is ready, her beliefs will be something she can come back to.
grateful

[Astro]

Originally Posted by grateful2b

The day she said I don't want to go, I respected that.

Thank you for sharing that part of your life, grateful. My fear is that my kids will decide after the first service that they don't want to go back. Then what should my approach be.

A friend shared something that I've been giving some thought to. Much of my life is spent on their activities, and I'm grateful that God has given me the ability to be a good parent. Shouldn't part of their life be spent in sharing the things that I believe and have faith in, and enjoy doing? In some ways don't we make sacrifices for each other?

[mike_mass]

As a Catholic, I'm kind of lucky in that this decision gets made for me through the church itself. A child is expected to actively take certain Sacraments (communion, confession, confirmation, to name a few) up until the age of discernment. This way they are by default expected to attend services as part of reaching those milestones (it also forces the parents to go).

It sounds like the youth programs at the chruch you want to attend might get your kids more interested if they meet nice people and make some friends.

[grateful2b]

Originally Posted by Astro

Thank you for sharing that part of your life, grateful. My fear is that my kids will decide after the first service that they don't want to go back. Then what should my approach be.

A friend shared something that I've been giving some thought to. Much of my life is spent on their activities, and I'm grateful that God has given me the ability to be a good parent. Shouldn't part of their life be spent in sharing the things that I believe and have faith in, and enjoy doing? In some ways don't we make sacrifices for each other?

what I would like to suggest is that after the first time, if they do not want to go.....you could say to them, that this is something that is important to you and something that you would like to share with them....ask them to commit to a month of sundays.....after that if they still do not want to go, I would not force them to, but that is just my belief.

I have a lot of really strong feelings about being forced as a 'teenager' to go to church and being forcefed religion at a time when I needed to start figuring out what "I" believed. At that point I started to really question the hypocrisy I saw all around me in church. Because of that I left the church at the age of twenty, not to return until I was 35. The upside of the resentment and disilusion I felt about religion was that to this day I am a firm believer in one's right to believe what they chose to,
.I think OUR relationship with the God of our understanding can be a powerful influence on our kids even when they choose at a certain age to say no, I don't want to go.
There is a good chance they will like the charasmatic service...they are so much more fun, great energy!


grateful, single-parent

[Astro]

Originally Posted by grateful2b

what I would like to suggest is that after the first time, if they do not want to go.....you could say to them, that this is something that is important to you and something that you would like to share with them....ask them to commit to a month of sundays.....after that if they still do not want to go, I would not force them to, but that is just my belief.

Now that's a perfect idea! Thank you!

I left the church for 29 years, only made brief appearances for weddings and funerals, sometimes holidays. How good it feels to go again and appreciate what I hear, to understand the message and have faith and beliefs. It's quite a change from my childhood.

Mike, thank you also. My first marriage was at a Catholic church in Everett, MA. We attended sporadically, those services left me more confused than ever. My current home is next to a Catholic church in Phoenix. It amazes me and warms my heart to see so many whole families attending church.

[grateful2b]

Scott, just thought of something else while out for a walk...one thing I did a lot with my daughter was visit a different church almost everyweek. Then we would go back and visit the ones we felt the most comfortable in.
The wonderfu benefits of this were that she tended not to get bored, we found the churches where the really inspired minister;pastors preached!!! and my daughter got to see the how wonderfully different the world of worship can be.
It was more important to expose her to this world than go to the same church every sunday.
grateful

[Astro]

A good thought, but I think my GF would like to stick with our current church .: Welcome to CFTN :. We'll see how it goes for the first few weeks and then maybe consider a different approach if necessary.

[dave47]

Hello Scott, my wife works at the times of the services so it is down to me.
My two are 13 and 10, have been going since babies and they still resist all the time. Probably within the next year if my daughter is still so hostile then i will have to let her have her way. Once we get there though, if some of their friends are in attendance then they are a lot happier.
We don't have any youth programmes at our church, but have been to some that do and that can make all the difference so i think that's a good idea.
Most weeks i tell them we are going and they moan, this week i asked them to come with me as i wanted them to be with me, hardly a murmer.So the way you speak to them about it might make some difference. I rebelled in my midteens, i went to a church school run by priests and i couldn't stand it, so i don't want to be too heavy handed with them. Hopefully the way you try to live your life will help and will rub off on them. Sorry i can't offer much more Scott,best wishes.

[Lily]

Hi Scott,

Growing up my parents took me to a Lutheran church. I remember being really bored, & at the same time I can remember not understanding salvation being a free gift. FF to my early 20's, I was introduced to drugs and alcohol and can remember praying at night "Lord, please help me to be a good person." But the next day going out and doing the same old thing.

now FF again to 1989 when 2 gentlemen came knocking at my door. The were non-denominational Christians who came to tell me about a new church that had just started in my neighborhood. I can remember being very receptive because of my Lutheran upbringing. In 1989 I had just had a baby (single mom) and I had just gotten off crystal meth, so you see, I needed something. It was thru this non-demoninational Christian church that I came to know Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I understood that grace meant a free gift thru what Jesus had done on the Cross for me over 2000 years ago, and that I would never be a "good" person, but could become a better person as I understood that Christianity is the only religion in the world that God comes down here thru his son Jesus Christ and promises to change you from the inside out if you are willing to receive his free gift. While every single other religion in the entire world is "works based" being contingient to be in their heaven. (some say you must be baptized, the bible does not say you must be baptized to be saved, some say you must go door to door sharing, some say you must go to confession, etc.) The Bible says "if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9

I think that if you leave kids to their own vices, they will not really seek out the Lord. Some might, some may even resent church and hate it, but remember the word of God will never return void. Make sure the Gospel of Jesus Christ is being taught and understood. I think that the most important job we as parents have is to make sure our kids have eternal security, with no doubt. we will all blow it daily in thought word and deed, but this is covered by Jesus Christ as we trust in him. The bible says to train up a child in the way he will go and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6 (they may stray, but how wonderful if they do they will return! They will have a place in which to return if we give them one! Jesus!)

Lastly, if I can say, my 19 year old son who is on break right now and home from college is expected to go to church Sunday mornings. I told him he does not have to attend our church, but he does need to attend some church in the area on Sundays. Now that he is in college he is not required to attend our Baptist church and is attending another good solid bible believing church. He is totally fine with it, and last night he was hanging out with one of the church leaders and a bunch of kids watching the game! I think I have probably been a little over protective w/ him because of my fear of him getting caught up in drugs and alcohol and I am not saying that church kids are perfect, cuz some of them are wild, but I do think that if you give them the tools they can go out and live productive lives and hopefully not make some of the mistakes we made.

Sorry this is so long, I hope it helps a little. You should be commended for caring about their spiritual upbringing. God bless you!! Sheila

[Astro]

Dave, you offered very much and I appreciate the experience you shared.

And Sheila, wow, I don't mind it being long at all. I was hoping that the good people on SR would give me so much to think about.

I'm just beginning to understand Christianity and have faith in the Lord in my early 40's, and know that I'd like to lead my children with my example, just as I've done with my recovery.

[best]

What is more important then "taking" them to church on a Sunday morning...

Living out a Christian life style through the week.

Let your life live so that they see Christ in your every action.

Attraction and wanting the joy and serenity that Dad has will have them want to follow you to church.
Still though... bringing them along on Sunday mornings is a good idea as well.
Explaining why you go and even reading the bible together at home so they can see the words before them(not just dad saying we should) is an idea as well.


Is this Dad...

or is this Dad...

Be Christ to them...

and they will enjoy the time with you at church.

[cmc]

Astro,
When my kids were growing up we went to church alot...so it was all they knew. At different times with each one, they grew tired of going. One teenager went to a different church (with our blessing)and had a personal 'falling away' while being a devoted church goer. The and the other two quit going but still maintained a close relationship with God. One thing I cannot control is another person's spirituality.

I can be a good example and provide material and experiences that _may_ draw somebody to God. Like recovery, it's all about willingness and letting go while also standing firm on areas that are important. It's not easy.

What is in the heart jmho is much more important than where the person goes on a Sunday morning. I think youth groups are great but even those can be troublesome for some children- when things become cliquesh.

What you do in the home is very important, but I would caution you to keep it brief, simple and fun. We used to have family devotions once a week- and it was always associated with something fun like playing board games and/or having their favorite foods and treats.

I've seen some kids who have been forced to attend services turn away from the church entirely and yet for some I think it might be a good idea to insist on church attendance. It depends on their age, personality and their 'own' relationship with God, beliefs etc.

Regardless of whether they go or not, you can always read a couple of verses and pray together as needs arise or on a regular basis. There are several good books that offer ideas on how to have some quality spiritual family-time.

I'll say a prayer that all of this will work out for you and the kids to have a closer walk with God- and that you can all worship together.

[Astro]

Thank you best! I feel they see the joy and serenity in my life through the AA meetings we attend together, and in the life we share together throughout the week. Do I do it perfectly? No, my daughter especially notices it at work when I'm this Dad She calls it my frowny face! I understand what you mean and will work on attracting them with my actions.

cmc, wow, you've given me much more to think about! I agree that keeping it brief, simple, and fun might be key to holding their interest until their own faith hopefully grows and stays strong. I'm very inspired by the path you took with your children, but yes I can't control their spirituality, only lead by example.

My thanks to both of you for your thoughts and prayers.

Scott

[Astro]

Wanted to follow up this post with a "progress report"

Took my kids to the church for the first time yesterday. They decided to attend the worship service with my GF and I. Her daughter was also there as well as a few friends from AA and CoDA. My daughter really enjoyed the service. My son was a little freaked out but we had a great talk afterwards and he's not resistant to going again, so I'd say it was a positive experience.
If anything I think he's just not used to it, it felt unfamiliar so he was a little uncomfortable but he's open to more.

I'm grateful for the time spent worshipping together.

[Mercedes1]

One thing I wanted to add about being cognazant of children's age is their "perception". You do not want to hinder them with over zealness they don't understand.

Case in point, I heard a speaker just last night who a Christian herself grew up with parents (specifically) her Mom that became in her words "too charasmatic". Looking back she went through an anger phase with God.

Her mother got so out there with her zeal for God that she started to take her to "healing" services and what not. Now to a child of 10yrs of age that presentation can be confusing. You see all these "grown ups" pushing people's foreheads, falling down, yelling out for God "to heal" and yet then in some if not all cases He doesnt show? To her, as a child, ..the question was..where was God? Why didn't you heal that man?

So for me I watch my balance with God to keep things simple. Trying to hard with God can be the worst example to a child. This speaker went on to say for years that experience at this healing service messed with her head that God even existed.

Thankfully, she was rooted enough that through recovery (years later) taught her to trust God again by changing her perception. God actually doesnt work naturally in all those dramatic, drama events. He is a relationship God. Sometimes He says no. Its the greater picture of not so much our circumstances but how we handle them. Just like in AA. We are alchoholics..the answer is not to "not be one" anymore (ie. healing) but how to deal with it.