The Usher, the Choir Girl and the Crack Cocaine (long-sorry)

[Newlywed50]

I had been a functional alcoholic for many years while raising my 3 kids alone. Functional only in that I was able to keep my bills paid and kids fed, not that I was in anyway emotionally available to them. I had a string of bad relationships with alcoholics and then in 2001, met a different kind of guy. Fresh, funny, understanding, beautiful and broke. 6 months into the relationship, I found one of his syringes in the tissue box in the bathroom. I didn't know anything about his herion use until I was already hooked on him. I sold my house (netting 37,000.00 in equity) and moved in with him and his mother. His disease rapidly progressed. It was so sad. But rather than do the right thing and leave him, I stuck it out. One day he came home with some crack and started me on my 2 year downward spiral. I don't know what happened, but nothing else in my life mattered to me but him and the crack. I watched my bank account waste away and when it was gone, I started racking up huge credit card balances. When they cut me off, I started pawning all my jewelry and my beautiful guitars, sellling my furniture and applicances and whatever was left of my life, including my family heirlooms and all my kid's baby pictures, were lost when I couldn't pay the storage bill. Soon the boyfriend's mother, who hated me by now, moved and wouldn't let me come with them. I lived for the next two years in various vehicles on the street, bathing in gas station bathrooms or using someone's backyard hose. Los Angeles County General Relief was my only income as I was unable to hold a job - I had been a legal secretary for 15 years. The boyfriend ended up in jail and all the "friends" disowned me and I was alone in an broken down, unregistered van in a dark lonely parking lot. I used to listen to a radio station on my portable, which was broadcast from Costa Mesa, CA, called K-Wave. Every sermon seemed to be talking to me. I started praying that Jesus would be there with me in my van and not leave me alone. I was so scared!!! My salvation came when a drug friend of mine took me to her church to hear the choir. I was definatly impressed, having been a singer and musician in my former life. It seemed, however that she must have told the pastor that I was there or something, because he seemed to be talking directly to me. Even looking at me. Something about brokeness and having no one else to turn to but God. I was introduced to the choir director and she let me audition. They put a beautiful robe on me and put me in a place of honor in their sanctuary. I never felt so much Joy being sober! That is not to say that I didn't struggle with the ghosts and cravings and memories, etc. It was hard, but the choir gave me something to look forward to and my chior brothers and sisters were like a new found family. They really cared! I started in a program through my church called Celebrate Recovery and there met a man also in recovery. He was in a sober living program and was just released from Folsom Prison having been convicted of felony DUI. He ushered during the same service I sang in and would stand at the back of the church making faces at me. Silly, but so endearing! We were on the same road. He had been in his prison and i had been in mine. He had been a Journeyman Lineman in his former life. He became my best friend. We worshiped together, studied together and soon planned our life together. After he was released from his sober living program, we got an apartment and things started improving extremely rapidly. He registered with his union and got a position. Our life was what I had always wanted and we saw ourselves 90 years old and rocking together on the front porch. We were married on July 14, 2007. My painful past was behind me. I beat my addiction and God had blessed me with a loving, Godly husband! Buit, soon after the wedding things started getting wierd. He would be taking out the trash and not come back for an hour or sit out in his truck and get out when he saw me coming. Then I started finding little plastic knots around the house - the kind you have to cut off the top of your bag of dope. I knew what they were because I had cut of so many of them myself. When I confronted him, he didn't know what I was talking about or what they were. We had some friends in recovery that came over from time to time and he blamed it on them. But as time went by, he stopped having dinner with me, got skinner and skinner, never went to bed at the same time with me anymore, couldn't sit down for more than a few minutes, wouldn't stay in the same room with me for any lenght of time, and was continually overdrawing our bank account, running through more than 700.00 a week. Still I didn't see it. He had every excuse in the world and they were so believable - I just didn't get it. How could I not get it??? Things got worse and worse and I started checking his cell phone record online. He was on the phone constantly - several one minute calls to the same number in rapid succession. It looked desparate. I started calling some of the numbers and finally spoke to a woman, Valerie. My heart sank. She told me he met her panhandling at a gas station. She had been a crack addict for 30 years. He picks her up and gives her rides and she sells him viagra from time to time, but she wouldn't admit to doing drugs with him. That admission came later from him. It all came out that night when he came home. He knew I had talked to her because she called him and told him so. He said he had been snorting coke all along since the wedding, but that he doesn't do crack. He knows my story. I guess he couldn't bear to tell me the truth. I took control of the money, putting it in an account he has no access to and doleing out money to him a little at a time. But it didn't end there. It just got worse. This past week it got to where he didn't come home at all. Judging my the cell phone activity, he's on the phone all night trying to pick up and still going to work at 6:00 a.m. He had been up for 4 days and missed work this past Friday. He passed out and slept all day. I took his cell phone and listened to an undeleted message. He had been planning to give our laptop, our only computer, to some dealer in exchange for dope. The guy on the mesasge said, "... so get off that girl and get your a##s over here." Get off that girl???? This is a nightmare! More women? Is he cheating? I know what the odds of that are. I called that number back and spoke to a young black woman who told me he had been smoking crack in his truck on the street with some nasty white woman. She doesn't know who. I confronted him with what I know. He denied it again at first, but last night we talked. You see, I know crack. I know it well. I now how strong it is. I know that rush. So I strarted asking him about his using experience and comparing it with mine, "When you 'do this', does it 'do that'?" I didn't want to drive him away by preaching. I showed him the scars on my arms from picking at imaginary bugs under my skin. I asked him if he's getting paranoid yet. He said no. He just loves it and he can't stop. Now all I do is think about it. Not the consequences of it, just using it. That rush. Getting the pipe ready, cutting the Chore Boy, burning it, making a pusher out of a piece of coat hanger. My nice, pretty brand new glass pipe. That first hit! God help me. One hit would be so nice - but one hit will cost me my church, my kids, my home, my brand new car, my credit I'm just now starting to reestablish. It will all be gone --- again. He doesn't see what this is doing to him and to us. He said, with little conviction, that he would not want me to use again. I don't believe him. I think he would love it. I told him I used to make my own crack. I know he wants me to show him how. It is tempting. I loved cooking. I was good at it. I'm so scared. This is too close. Why has this deamon found me? It was all so far away! I have been sober for 2 years and 2 months. We just bought a Dodge Caravan last two weeks ago. Its too late to take it back. I haven't worked in a year. I have carpel tunnel and am supposed to have my first surgery on February 1st. I guess that is not going to happen. I know he's not going to stop until either everything is gone or he is back in prison. He's still on parole. I'm supposed to be in church in 15 minutes. I'm not going. I can't leave him here alone. I'm afraid this computer will be gone when I get back. All my pictures - our wedding pictures - are in this computer. My kids pictures, my music, my resume - I'm not losing them all again. I want to help him, but the man I know isn't in there. I want to make love to him, but I'm afriad to. I want him to believe me when I tell him what that stuff will do to him and to us, but he can't hear me and doesn't believe him. He's in denial. Oh my God! Father, hear me, Lord. Satan is after me, God. I know you don't want this for me, Lord. Father give me strengh! Protect me, oh God, from the deamon Crack Cocaine. It has found me. It wants me, oh God. It is mockin me, laughing at me, taunting me. It has stolen my husband, my beautiful love. Oh God, I believed that you placed this man in my life as a living example of your love for me. Could I have been that wrong? I thought it was your will, Lord. Was it mine instead? Father, forgive me. Please don't punish me. Take my hand, God, and don't let go!!!!! Don't let me slip back down into the blackness of that despair, Father. Don't let me forget what it did to me, God! Satan hates my marrige because you ordained it. He hates the blessings you bestowed on us and he wants to take it all away. So be it, God. Let him have our things, but God, don't let him take our souls. Father God, my loving savior Jesus, send your Spirit to be my counsellor now, God, in my hour of need. Protect me Father and remove this deamon from my household. Bind Satan from our lives and send the Light of your Truth to our hearts. Give us the weapons and strength to fight! In the Holy and Precious Name of Your Son, Jesus. Amen

[Lily]

Dear Newlywed,

I used to live in Southern CA and I loved CC Costa Mesa & KWVE. You found a GREAT Bible teaching station when you found them.

This is what I recommend. I strongly recommend you buy a back up piece to stick in your comp to back everything up. You can get a cheap one for 20 bucks at best buy and back up all your photos and stuff. I also recommend you do not leave him alone with your belongings, but call your pastor or one the CC pastors in your area, Costa Mesa, there are hundreds of great churches out there and get him into a rehab. there are some great Christian programs, there is even one called U-turn for Christ in San Bernidino area. You are going to have to give him tough love, clean up or leave. I am not saying to divorce him, but you have come so far you do not need that around you right now, not when he is in such desparate active addition. I am so sorry this nightmare is happening to you....I am praying for you.

Blessings, Sheila <>< Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith.

[best]

Originally Posted by Newlywed50

. I was introduced to the choir director and she let me audition. They put a beautiful robe on me and put me in a place of honor in their sanctuary. I never felt so much Joy being sober!

Through your struggles remember this...

As wonderful as they were at the church... Jesus loves you more and when our time comes, Jesus will put a robe of white on us and lead us to a place of honor in Heaven. Hold tight to the love of Jesus.

My prayers are with you.

[dave47]

Newlywed you have to put yourself first. Encourage him to seek help again but don't rely on that. I will pray for you, believe that God is with you.

[sugarssweetpea]

I pray for you & your family. Pray that your husband is able to get the help he needs to get sober. Pray that you are able to have the strength to help him to get help & to do whatever it takes to keep your sobriety & protect your kids.

[IO Storm]

Dearest Newlywed...

We are all praying for you. But only you can make the choice to NOT pick up.

Don't do it. Then only way the "devil can win" is if you give up and give in....

And, as a retired social worker...you stand the chance of losing your kids

as well as your sobriety. At this point..you are viewed as a non offending

parent.

Seek help and support now from others. Your church is your support. Don't be

afraid or ashamed to reach out. Your husband is the one who stumbled...and

there are those who will help him as well. But Sugar is correct...you and your kids will

be caught in the backlash of the nightmare if you don't take action to protect

your children and provide form their immediate welfare and that of yourself.

Good luck sweetie.

:

Sherry