Biblical Advise/Encouragement - PLEASE

[jema3]

Hi Everyone - it has been quite some time since i have visited/posted. I am a Christian wife of an addict and really could use some Biblical advise/encouragement. We have been together for 15 years - miraculously married for 10 years. He was sober for 6 months - the longest time since the previous 3 years!! Unfortunately, since this past Sept he has been on and off of the wagon and my "flesh" is now fed up, but I know that I am supposed to extend grace as God has done with us, but how much longer do i keep at this....I have our 9 yo son to think about!!

I yelled at him this morning that he can keep on this road and loose his family and ultimately his possesions and his life or seek help instead of trying to go at it alone. He has maintained his "quiet" time, but that isn't working.

I want to hang on for hope, as i have done sooooo many times before, but felt at peace when i told him i was done and want a divorce!

So any prayers or scriptures for me to quickly look up (as i am at work) would be greatly appreciated!!!

[riri]

Hello jema3,
I had the same problem as you have. My husband (he died in 2000) was an alcoholic and drug addict. I divorced him in 1999, as he was very often drunk/stoned and our kids were one and two years old, and he refused therapy. I did not want to put the kids through that (my mother was an alcoholic, so I know what it feels like to have a parent dysfunctional). And I did not want it either anymore, I was a recovered alcoholic (at that time I was sober since 12 years). Before the children, I could handle his relapses better, but when the children were born, I was responsible for them.
He had his moments of staying off the wagon, but they were rare.
I talked the whole situation over with a counsellor in my church, as I did not know how to handle such a situation as a christian. Like you, I felt at loss what to do, wanting to give him another chance - even after having given him "another chance" for over 10 years.
I'll just give you a short summary of some of the advice:
It is perfectly in order to set limits and boundaries as a christian. You are not his counselor, therapist, whatever, but his wife and as such you and your son have a right to an environment free of substance abusers, drunkeness, and the whole works that go with it. Set up boundaries and signposts stating: till here and no further. If he does not respect them, then be consequential, take action to protect yourself and your son. Either he moves out, or you separate (you can always leave the option open, that if he does get sober and clean, gets therapy and has stayed sober for a longer period that 6 months, you could reconsider having another go at the marriage)-
(Part of my problem with my husband was, that I could see all of the aspects involved, how the addict felt, how the wife of the addict felt, how the child of the addict felt). But you are NOT responsible for your husband. You are responsible for yourself and your son!!
The bible does not state that a wife should remain with her husband, if that husband acts in a way that is destructive, unhealthy, selfish and unloving, completly going against what a marriage involves (for example, where Paul tells the men to love their wifes in the same way as Jesus loves his church, laying down his life!!). Yes, we should extend grace, but that does not mean that a person has the right to damage you and your son! You don't have to stop loving him. But you have the responsability to give yourself and your son a safe environment. God does not want you and your son being hurt and devastated.
To extend grace is not judging somebody, to forgive, and not hold on to hate, bitter feelings, hurt and anger but to release a person and to give your hurt heart to Jesus so he can heal it.. Grace means to support a person when he going in the right direction and not to support the wrong things that he does..
Grace does not mean: right, I'll forgive you, and you can get drunk again, and I'll forgive you, and you can get drunk again, and I'll forgive you and you .......etc.etc.
Jesus extended grace to the woman who committed adultery.
He said " I forgive you. I do not judge you. Sin no more".
To extend grace also means: right, I'll take steps in tough love and allow you to grow up and that you take responsabilities for yourself, and I will not be your co-dependent anymore. I love you, but I'm letting you free and you have to take your life in your own hands. I'll be there with love and a helping hand, but you have to learn how to walk and take responsability.
Jema, you have to decide for yourself how far you want to go, how much longer you want to suffer, because your husband will not be the one to take actions.
It could mean him moving out, leaving the option open of seeing each other during the weekend in a neutral place, if he is sober. If drunk, not seeing him.

As a recovered alcoholic I can tell you that I only decided to take action after the situation become unbearable for me. As long as things still ran along somehow, I did not see the need to change. As long as you play along, your husband will not change either.
My biggest problem with my husband was the thought "am I allowed to separate from him, being a christian" and the answer is yes.
I told him what I expected ; therapy, staying clean and sober - and as he was not willing to do that, took the consequences. I do not know how dysfunctional your husband is. But he should do therapy because HE wants to do it, not because You force him. If it is not HIm absolutely seeing the need to change, then he will only do it with half a heart and relapse very quickly. Same with following Jesus. Jesus does not force himself upon us, we have to decide freely ourselves. Forcing somebody to become sober or to follow Jesus backfires.
Pray for your husband, hand him over to Jesus and let him free. Jesus will take care of him. You take care of yourself and your son.

Hope what I said is helpfull. What may be helpfull for me does not necessarily mean it is helpfull for you, so take what helps you and ignore the rest.
Will keep you in my prayers.
Get help/advice/support from somebody who knows Jesus real well (and who also knows something about addictions) in your church, go to alanon.
Now you take care
riri

[best]

Divorce is the first thing people think of when they have had enough.

That is step 20...down the road at some point if needed.

For right now your focus should be on respect.
Not an earned respected but a given respect.
Respect him enough to place "His" issues in his lap and let him deal with them.
Don't do for him the things he can do or should do for himself.

Boundaries are a form of respect as well.
I am not talking an earned respect but as said..a given respect.

He could be told in a gentle tone... (as soft words avoid much wrath)

"I respect you enough to let you deal with your problem. You can if and when you want to."

Your boundaries are for you to use and keep your own space at peace.

There could come a point that we need to say to others... I am sending you out and as the bible tells us... we send them out in love, in a hope that they will see the error of their ways and realize what they have given up.

A wife is a helpmate.
The best way for you to help him... take care of yourself and let him deal with his own issues.
Al Anon and Nar Anon meetings are a great place to gather info and support that help us transfer his issues onto his lap in a loving way.

[jema3]

hey riri - thank you very much....this is exactly what i needed. I prayed this morning that God would be very clear in what I needed to hear from Him, and you have helped! Your definition of grace and what it means to truly extend it was right on point. H actually did therapy in 2005 - on his own. I have also attended naranon meetings, but the one closest to me was very small and structured a little differently and stopped attending. I will be looking for a Celebrate Recovery that is close to my home. If i give him "one more shot" i will mention that we will need to go to counseling, on top of him going to his own NA or Celebrate Recovery meetings.

Best - thank you for the respect and how they tie into boundaries...i have such a hard time doing that, especially when trying to use soft words which inevitabley become hard and harsh. After dealing with this, for what feels like forever, i am just worn out, disappointed, hurt and angry. I NEED to remember that he needs to deal with his stuff.

I knew this would be the best place for me to go to today...with Him I will survive!!

[best]

Originally Posted by jema3

After dealing with this, for what feels like forever, i am just worn out, disappointed, hurt and angry. I NEED to remember that he needs to deal with his stuff.

There are two ways we reach such a point.
We get so sick and tired of dealing with things and tired of our own yelling that we quiet down and speak softly because we don't care any more OR...

By seeing how others have done it, we do what has worked for them and find it works for us as well.

When my wife started to speak softly... it shouted at me.

Just as the Lord speaks with a quiet soft voice...we hear Him.
When the thunder roars...we hear it but block our ears.

Her soft voice had me understanding...Ot Oh...she means business this time. As I listened to every word she said and listened harder to the things she didn't say.

The best thing you can do for him...take care of you. It works. I have lived it.

[jema3]

Good point Best....i know that i really need to work on speaking softly. Thank you for the reminder of this is how our Heavenly Father speaks to us and if i want to try and be like Him - this means being slow to anger and soft to speak. Keep'em coming!

[best]

Worked well to open my eyes and get me started on a path of recovery.