Forgiveness..

[guineapigjude]

I normally post in the Friends and Families of Substance Abusers and of Alcoholics section, but visit here to read your posts for inspiration and guidance often.
I got this Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional today, and wanted to share it with you all :
Forgiving In An Unhealthy Situation
by Jon Walker

Today, December 10th, former National Football League (U.S. football) quarterback Michael Vick is scheduled to be sentenced for his conviction related to gambling and illegal dog fighting. Because Vick’s conviction raises important questions about forgiveness, I’m offering a short, downloadable Bible study on the subject at www.gracecreates.com – jw

Jesus said, "Father, forgive these people, because they don't know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34a NLT)

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In writing about forgiveness, several readers have asked: “What about forgiving within an unhealthy relationship, one that is toxic and dysfunctional? Should you continue in the relationship when the person just keeps doing the same thing over and over again, never changing his behavior?”

To quote my sister, “Forgiveness isn’t the same as stupid!” It doesn’t mean we’re to act like doormats, allowing evil to run rampant in an abusive relationship. Loving our enemy does not mean excusing his behavior.

To echo the civil rights activist Martin Luther King, we need to understand the difference between non-resistance to evil and non-violent resistance. In any toxic relationship, we strive to resist the abuse with a peace-filled, godly response. This includes establishing healthy boundaries where you’re less vulnerable to abuse and, if God directs, it may mean ending the relationship (much easier said than done when the abuser is a parent, a spouse, or a child).

Regardless, the act of forgiveness does not require you to keep taking the abuse, and it doesn’t mean you must remain in the abusive situation.

Jesus shows us that forgiveness can be immediate when he forgives those who were crucifying him – during the very act of crucifixion: “Father, forgive these people, because they don't know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34a NLT)

As we mature in Christ, God will teach us to forgive constantly, even instantly. But it’s a learning process, so don’t take off on a guilt trip if you’re unable to do that now. Fall upon God’s grace and let him move you closer toward forgiveness. It may – probably will – take time to fully receive his grace to forgive, and God can work with that. The first step may simply be to let God soften your heart. Our hearts have a tendency to become hardened in difficult relationships.

Again, let me stress, the softening of your heart toward the abuser is not the same as saying it’s OK to keep taking the abuse, and it’s not the same as saying you have to stay in a situation where you are being or may be abused.

Forgiveness is not the same as agreeing with the behavior of the abuser.

What now?

· Remember the enemy is the enemy – The Bible teaches that when we’re in conflict, the real enemy is not the person we face. The real battle we’re in is against Satan’s unseen spiritual forces of wickedness. (Ephesians 6:12) The enemy wants us to think the battle is ours alone, and that causes us fight as if we’re separated from God. Our goal should be to trust that God is in the battle. (1 Samuel 17:47)

· Through prayer, bless those who abuse you – With your prayers, you can bless people who continually hurt you. They’re in bondage to their own sins, and although that doesn’t excuse their behavior, it does give you insight into how you can pray for them. God intended these relationships for good, yet they’re stripped away by alcohol or anger issues or other counterfeits Satan uses to destroy true fellowship and family. Pray for them to become the person God always intended.

· Take a firm stand – You need group to support you in an intervention, and you may need a mediator present, but the Bible teaches God’s light can penetrate the deepest darkness with hope for restoration and reconciliation. This can provide a quicker path to healing. Regardless, you need to take a firm stand against the abuse, and you may need others to help you do that.

· Should I stay or go? – I’ve seen abusive relationships over the years and know it would be naive to suggest that an intervention, sprinkled with some prayer dust, will suddenly change everything. Some people respond to confrontation; some are crushed by the love of God invading their heart. But many, many people remain toxic and abusive, even when confronted in love, even when forgiven, even when drenched in God’s grace. You may very well need to end the relationship, as difficult as that may be. It’s not your job to change the person, so don’t consider it a failure on your part if he or she doesn’t change when confronted with God’s love and truth.

© 2007 Jon Walker. All rights reserved.

[Butterflywoman]

There is no doubt that Christ asks us to love each other. Sometimes this means we have to forgive each other first. It would be nice if this could happen quickly and simply, but this is not usually the case. Sometimes forgiveness is a slow process.

It would also be nice if forgiveness would just happen on its own. We can just give it some time. But usually some intervention must take place. In other words, we must work on it, sort of like tending a garden.

The process begins with a desire to forgive. Many factors may motivate this desire—none of them natural. Our natural inclination is to stay angry and hold a grudge. But, eventually, either misery gets the best of us and/or a deeply held belief system shakes loose the anger and gives way to a desire to forgive. For Christians this is a reverence for the commandment to love others—including our enemies.

After the willingness comes, we then need some fancy footwork. One might begin by getting inside the head of the person or persons with whom we are angry. Was the transgression intentional or an accident? Was the transgressor suffering in some way for which we can be sympathetic? If the person with whom we are angry tells his side of the story what would he say?

It is important, at this point, to begin a discussion of the matter. The trick here is to listen to the people we discuss this with. We may not really want to hear an objective opinion, but it is important that we do. And even if our friends and/or pastor agrees with us that we are the injured party, it feels good to loosen that knot of anger chocking us to death by talking it out with someone we trust.

It can also be very helpful to write about all this emotional chaos. Writing can lead to some interesting “Freudian Slips” about the true nature of what happened and how we feel about it.

For the sake of argument, however, what if we are truly a victim and the person we are angry with has no leg to stand on? How then do we forgive? Well in this case we must simply try to look at the bright side. For instance, our perpetrator has to bear the weight of his sin against us and we do not. (It might help, at this point, to mention that you do not have to like someone to forgive them or even associate with them. The dictionary definition of forgiveness is simply to let go of our anger. No hugs and kisses are required.)

Sometimes our best intentions get us no where. Forgiveness then becomes an act of grace. Corrie Ten Boom talks about this in her book, The Hiding Place. Corrie was a Christian who hid Jews in her home during World War II. Eventually she and her sister were thrown into a concentration camp where her sister died. After the war Corrie was angry even though she preached forgiveness to other Holocaust survivors. Once day Corrie was approached by a guard from the prison camp who asked her forgiveness. Corrie eloquently describes how she prayed for the forgiveness of God to channel through her so that she could shake the outstretched hand before her. Sometimes this is what it takes. Forgiveness as God’s grace pouring through our willing heart.

The hardest part of forgiveness comes when we have to feel the “real” feelings behind what happened. Our anger is just a coverup for the pain brought on by the slight. The pain of rejection, the wound to our ego, the utter disappointment in this person, the fear that this will happen again.

The hardest part of forgiveness for me is to let go of the anger when the person who wounded me is in total denial about the whole thing. Recently my mother died. My sister was angry at me for hovering over my mother on her deathbed. She said that my mother would not want me there because she did not like me. I was so wounded by this that I vowed never to speak to my sister again until she apologized.

But a year later I felt the pain of estrangement more than the pain of what she had said. So I was stuck between my anger and my loneliness for my sister. I also felt the tugging of Christ’s words to love each other—and doesn’t that sometimes mean unconditionally?

So, eventually, I went through the process I describe above and came to the conclusion that forgiveness was important to my mental health and my salvation as a Christian. So I swallowed my pride. I sent of a stiff email telling her that I was ready to move on without an apology. Immediately I felt as if a great burden had been lifted. I also felt like a better servant of the Lord and this is no small matter to me.

I have yet to hear from my sister but I feel better because I have surrendered the toxic feelings I was holding on to for dear life. And I think this is exactly why Christ asks us to forgive each other. Not only is world peace at stake, it is important for our personal well being. I see everything Christ asks us to do as serving this dual purpose—personal fulfillment and our contribution to a better world.

[Elizabeth2007]

Wow this is one of the best descriptions of real forgiveness I've ever seen.

THANK YOU!

I've had to work in forgiveness lately for some deep hurts and rejections but its good to hear that I don't have to maintain relationship with some of these people who have truly hurt me and will likely continue to hurt me, that its okay to cut off the poison people - but I can forgive them and let it go.