Bummed

[Lily]

Well, after 33 days I relapsed. It was like I was being set up (not by the Lord) I know the Lord was giving me that pause, that time to reflect on what I was going to do and that choice and I still chose to get high, to sin and use, and now I am bummed.... I sneaked around all weekend long with my husband and son around, trying to act all normal.....even went to church yesterday... I am such a fake Christian...I am feeling discouraged right now.

Sheila

[ANGELINA243]

Thank you for being honest. Listen, don't beat yourself up--Remenber what Paul said--(I cannot remember the quote exactly--excuse me, but here goes) "That which I want to do--I cannot do: that which I shouldn't do--I end up doing"

God loves his children. He is a forgiving and merciful God. The enemy wants you to give up--not wanting you to prosper. Believe in God and His goodness! God bless!

[cmc]

The bible stories are all about people who appeared to be 'fake' about their faith. We are all the same- human beings who oftentimes make bad choices.

No matter what happens in my life I can always seek forgiveness, repent and move on to try and live according to how God wants me to. Jesus died for my sins: past, present and future, and that is the entire point of the bible.

I get disappointed with myself sometimes and then have to stop and realize that it's not God making me feel bad about myself. He doesn't do that. He is the one who loves and accepts me just the way I am.

Do you have a program of recovery? You made it for 33 days without using and that just shows that you can do this.

I'm glad you came here to share and I hope you will keep coming back.

[GrouchoTheCat]

This is from an amazing sermon I heard recently, and I was able to get a copy.

It speaks for itself...


It happened that I visited Charlie one warm Fall day a few months before she died. We sat at her kitchen table where we had sat so many times before, and her words on that particular morning became for me an illuminating event, a refiner’s fire, which suddenly brought focus and shape to all the stories I had heard during the hundreds of Sunday morning sermons and Sunday School lessons of my childhood…..
It was my friend Charlie, who had lost the rounded beauty of her breasts and the soft warmth of her gentle brown hair who taught me on that October morning what all the stories of my faith meant; my friend who faced the pain of parting soon from her young children, her husband, her friends, her flowers and sheep and kitchen window, who helped me to remember what I had never really known….
Charlie told me that morning about an appointment she had recently had with a doctor who had previously been a surgeon, but who gave up the profession to counsel those battling cancer. She told me that the doctor asked her to sit quietly and to think back to a time in her life when she had felt unconditionally loved. Charlie said she did as the doctor asked. She closed her eyes and thought back through the years of being mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister….. At no time, she realized, in all her life, had she ever felt unconditionally loved. She said she thought back even to the time when she was in her mother’s womb, and was grieved to feel there a resistance on her mother’s part to the birth of her daughter. Even there, Charlie realized, she had not known a love that was unconditional.
And then, my friend said, the most amazing thing happened as she was able to think back in time further still….she felt herself out amongst the stars in the vast darkness of space, and there felt herself bathed and embraced by a total and unconditional love. A love which held her before conception…. A love from which Charlie realized she had come and to which she would return.
I remember thinking about the hairs on my head as Charlie spoke, suddenly realizing that perhaps God really did know their number, and I remember saying, “You mean it’s true? God knew me before I even ‘was’ and loved me even then?” I was reeling with the magnitude of what I had heard when Charlie finished her story. My friend told me that this cancer, this alien disease in her body, had become for her an angel, for it had brought her face to face with the God of love…..

[toad]

Were you attending any meetings?

Cunning, baffling, and powerful...............sneaky tooooooooo. That's what drugs and alcohol are. Without help it is too much for us.

Relapse is a part of recovery.......not a requirement........but a part of.

Use this relapse to gain strength.....use it to fight the enemy.

Learn from it and share what happened at a meeting so that others will be helped by your slip.........that is some of how it works.........we have got to pass it on to keep it.............toad

[best]

Originally Posted by Sheila77

I am such a fake Christian...I am feeling discouraged right now.

Sheila

Hello Sheila

What makes you a fake Christian?

Something my pastor would say tells me you are more a Christian then you feel you are at the moment.
"The church is a hospital for sinners to get well at"
The Dr office or the hospital are where we go when we don't feel well.
A talk with other Christians (fellowship) and worship service/bible studies (church) are where we go when our spirit isn't feeling well.
Seems you went to the right place on Sunday. Jesus forgives you so now forgive yourself ,,,stand up, dust off and start a new day. Just for today I will remain clean and sober (and with the Lord's help, I can do it every day) Start your day talking with the Lord... Give me this day my daily strength.
One day at a time.

[Mercedes1]

Hi, you should feel great about 33 days. For me 30, 60, 90 and so on seem to be my hardest times..no kidding. It is not just in my head. I start having strong cravings...then reflect on time and usually it is always around this time.

Also, there may be something you were getting prior to that 33 days..think hard. I have a friend who told me he stayed sober for 8months on sheer will power then crashed. .... In reflection... post crash...: he realized he was working hard on a project for work..knew he HAD to stay sober, he WANTED to stay sober as the payout was quite "pleasurable" and was riding that high. After the project was over..what did he do? He locked him self in the basement for 3weeks straight and tried to kill himself? Moral of the story..his "fix" was over...he was living "conditional" sobriety.

Question: Have you truly surrendered? Maybe in the beginning you did to drugs/alchohol but what about the "stuff" behind the "fix". Its continuous and that is where the "core" of your recovery is. Drugs/alchohol is the symptom.

BTW, my friend is now 6years sober...learned to face his "conditions" one at a time (not run) and trust God will meet them. It hurts while you are facing it - but "this too shall pass", trust God will show you if you hang in there how to get through it.

Some times i hear people share all is well then BAM.. a certain hour or day it hits them.. a craving. Look within. Next time, face it. Don't run. Believe it or not that is your "growth" period. You need to face it to deal with it next time. Have faith God will get you through. Use the tools..."move a muscle, change a thought", "start your day over"..if you are feeling weak - that equates to you can't do it alone..God sees this and wants to help. So do the next right thing..the next right thing is what you CAN do- it doesnt have to be significant for God to see it as. If you feel "guilt ridden"...confess it, that is the next right thing; call a friend,. go for a walk - THE NEXT RIGHT THING is all God is after..you don't have to take on the world...so you are weak..take a hot bath, go to a meeting...these are all little things than can make the difference because God sees your intent. Pray, and trust the results to Him.

I had a real strong craving not long ago..cryed and prayed all the way home from a meeting..and it lifted. I had this "revelation"..that I won't bore you with but it came to mind...something about my past and dealing with pain for something completely different. And it occurred to me, why is alchohol any different? The result, I applied the concept to my situation now. It changed my perception then whallllla, changed ME!!!! My circumstances didn't change, but I did ----craving lifted.

That is GOD my friend. Get back up and start again..this time learn from your mistakes..write down what was going through your head...and learn from it. You don't have to do that again if you learn from it

[TonyB]

Originally Posted by Sheila77

I am such a fake Christian...

Sheila

The devil would have you believe that! But it’s so not true. I know one thing; Jesus Christ loves us no matter what! It’s a good thing too, because I, like you had to fall a number of times in the beginning. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Here is the thing about falling down. Get back up, knock the dust off of yourself and move forward. Keep your eyes on Christ and walk in faith.
I’ll leave you with this scripture PHIL 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
TB

[mike_mass]

Can't see how picking up again makes you a fake Christian. An alcoholic Christian maybe, but authentic nonetheless. Try going to meetings.

[bballdad]

Sheila
what you described is a description of how the illness we have affects us.Can you accept the fact you are a Christian who has a illness?

I had to take the "good or bad " thinking and try and set it aside and focus on the "illness and my medicine" to take to try and get well

think about accepting the fact you may have a illness,and you are not nessacerily a bad woman
I thought I was a bad guy,and I did do a lot of bad thnigs,but underneath it was a progressive illness