Forgiving Mom

[Butterflywoman]

As long as I could remember, I had been angry with my mother both as a child and as an adult. Once I had a dream in which I was so angry at my mother that I was paralyzed. I couldn’t move. I opened my mouth to scream at her, and the words got stuck in my throat. Later in the dream I was talking to my father, and he told me that my mother was pregnant. I went into a rage. Then my mother appeared and I screamed at her, “You are going to do to another child what you did to me?� I was so angry I woke myself up.

I didn’t tell my therapist about the dream right away. Instead I went to my mother. I wanted to process my feelings about my childhood with her, so I asked her a lot of questions about what was going on in the family when I was young. Mom just stared at me. She didn’t want to talk about it. “I don’t remember,� she said. I was livid. Not only had she neglected me as a child, and exposed me to the parent who had abused her, now she was impending in my attempts to get better.

When I finally talked to my therapist about it, he said something interesting. He shrugged his shoulders and said sympathetically, “Oh, she couldn’t do it.� I stopped dead in my tracks when I realized that he didn’t say “she couldn’t do it.� He said she “wouldn’t do it.� What a difference a letter can make. I suddenly began looking at my mother in a brand-new light.

It took time, but eventually I changed my mind about my mother. A change in my feelings quickly followed. Then I started treating my mother differently. I changed. Our relationship changed.

This is how forgiveness works. You uncover things. You process your feelings. Your feelings change. You treat people differently. You change. Your relationships change. Then you repeat the process all over again.

[best]

When I realized how my mother was raised and figured out that she was just repeating her negative ways that she was shown growing up (ways she accepted as being proper)...as well as coming to the understanding that alcohol can have us say or do things to an extreme... I don't justify what she did but I understand why things happened as they did and through the understanding I was able to find the needed forgiveness. Also made a commitment to myself... I will (have) learned better ways and the buck stops here. My children were raised with spankings if needed vs my being raised with beatings...that are never warranted. A small spanking on the back side is a learning tool (when used correctly and not done in anger). I don't ever remember getting a "correct" spanking as a child...it was always beatings. Just like grampa would do for mom. Yup... the buck stopped here.

Understanding why sure does help with the healing and the finding of forgiveness.

[sugarssweetpea]

Amen. My dad was raised without showing feelings. My mother was beat. She did not beat us, but still was pretty harsh & her words cut a lot. Never encouraged to do anything. We were never good enough. My dad continues to be the same (although I have made him cry with some mushy cards). I know how they were raised. My mom did the best she could with what she knew how. I am thankful that she stopped the buck on the beatings. My dad did not change anything, but I understand & forgive him. I have learned a lot about myself through their behavior & the buck has stopped here with my children. I tell them I love them every day & I try to raise them according to God's word. I do spank & I do unfortunately sometimes yell, but I always tell them that I am sorry. Something I never heard when I was a child. I value their feelings, thoughts & dreams. I encourage them. They know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love them. My husband & I both try to change the things we see of our parents in us. If anything, I try to use my upbringing as a learning experience. I have learned a lot of good stuff.