Amazing Shame

[Butterflywoman]

2 Corinthians 12:7-10. And to keep me from being too elated by the abundance of revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I besought the Lord about this, that it should leave me; but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. . . .� For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses . . . for when I am weak, then I am strong.

I had a dream a few weeks ago about shame. In this dream I was desperately looking for a place to take a shower. I looked everywhere, but I couldn’t find anything suitable. Finally, I woke up disappointed and feeling a little dirty so I took a nice warm bath. That same day, at Church, the minister stood up in front of the congregation and practically bellowed, “Have you ever been really dirty and desperate for a shower? . . . And when you find one, doesn’t it feel great to be clean again after being so dirty.� “Well yes,� I said to myself, “as a matter of fact, just last night. . . .�

The minister went on to talk about the experience of Christ washing away our sins—one of the basic tenets of Christianity. I, of course, had heard this before and began ruminating on the idea of sin and redemption. This led quickly to thoughts about shame, which is bound to sin by virtue of cause and effect.

Within the Christian context, the relationship between sin and shame can be very confusing. On one hand, we are told that Christ died for our sins; therefore, we should relinquish our shame. But then, we are shamed into becoming virtuous people from the moment we know Christ. So which is it? Are we to be ashamed or not?

Before I could sort this out, the congregation started singing Amazing Grace. As I listened to the second stanza, “Twas grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fear relieved,� suddenly it all made sense. Substitute the word “shame� for the word “fear� and you have: Twas grace that taught my heart to shame and grace my shame relieved. Shame, it seems is not all bad. Without shame I cannot see my sin, and with Christ I am relieved of shame’s burden.

This makes even more sense if you understand the difference between “healthy� shame and “toxic� shame. John Bradshaw, who once studied to be a Jesuit priest, points this out in his book Healing the Shame that Binds You. He elaborates on the difference between the kind of shame that is corrosive and destructive (shame that leads to depression, anxiety and apathy) and the kind of shame that engenders modesty, humility, morality, and self-control.

Christ himself made good use of this pairing of healthy and toxic shame. He shamed the stone throwers by telling them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.� (John 8:7 RSV). Then he relieved the adulteress of her shame by saying, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you? She said, ‘No one, Lord.’ And Jesus said, Neither do I condemn [shame] you.� (John 8:10 RSV) But then Christ offers the woman healthy shame as an incentive to live a virtuous life when he adds at the end of his eloquent speech. “Go and do not sin again.� (John 8:11 RSV)

Of course my favorite story is about the Samaritan woman at the well. Here Christ uses healthy shame to awaken a woman to her sin while at the same time offering her the living water that will wash it away. First he tells her the good news. “Every one who drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst; the water that I shall give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.� John 4:13-14 RSV Then he tells her why this is good news: “You are right in saying, ‘I have no husband’; for you have had five husbands, and he whom you now have is not your husband, . . .� John 4:17-19 RSV Of course the woman leaped at the chance to dump her shame and pleaded with him. “Sir, give me this water, that I may not thirst. . . .� John 4:1 RSV

The challenge now, armed with this new understanding of healthy shame and toxic shame, is to separate the wheat from the chaff. When does shame help us and when is it a hindrance? Here are some of my own ideas.

The past: Agonizing over the past leads to toxic shame. Christ died on the cross for our sins. To cling unnecessarily to our past transgressions requires energy that is better spent trying to help others. However, an acute awareness of our shortcomings is healthy shame. We must never forget how easy it is to sin.

Our bodies: Shame about how we look is toxic. We must always see ourselves through God’s eyes. He made us after all. At the same time, a little shame about what we put into our bodes is healthy. Nutrition is good. Addiction is bad. Too much sugar now and then is not the end of the world.

Our potential: Shame about what we can’t do is toxic. If I am not a genius so be it. If I can’t climb Mt. Everest that’s okay. If I am disabled in anyway there is no point in beating myself up. However, a little healthy shame about what we can do keeps us humble.

Money: Shame about being poor is toxic. Shame about being financially comfortable makes it easier to share with others.

Original sin: This is toxic same. I don’t believe in it myself. Still, the story of Adam and Eve, as a analogy about our propensity to sin, is important. It can be a story about healthy shame, if we let it, or it can become an excuse to give up on ourselves.

Family: The sins of our “fathers� — past and present — can be palpable. However, feeling guilty for what our mothers and fathers did is toxic shame. Learning from their mistakes is healthy shame.

Sex: Healthy shame about sex is important. Nothing can more easily lead to sin than aberrant sexual behavior. However, sex is nothing to be ashamed of in the context of a healthy marriage.

Education: Feeling bad about a lack of a formal education is toxic shame. Feeling a little healthy shame, however, may inspire us to a search for knowledge and wisdom within a context that we feel comfortable.

Jobs: Some of us have what the world likes to describe as “menial� jobs. Toxic shame makes us feel bad about this. Healthy shame encourages to look for something more stimulating. The trick is to love what we do, and ourselves for doing it, while aspiring to find work that will help us realize our full potential. For example, I may be “just� a secretary, but I find time to write poetry which is my soul work.

How we treat others: Being less than cordial at times is part of the human condition. Toxic shame never lets us forgive ourselves. Healthy shame reminds us to do it less often.

Perfectionism: Toxic shame makes us feel terrible because we are not perfect. Healthy shame reminds us that we can do better. Paul knew a lot about this. Always remember, only God is perfect and we all live in the shadow of that perfection. We are, you might say, perfectly imperfect.

So here we have it — the shame that can destroy our spirit and the shame that can keep us on the right path. May we all comes to terms with them both through our faith in Jesus Christ.

[best]

A humble heart is a grateful heart I have found.
My own pride can pull me down every time. Every so often I find that the Lord lets me refind that humbleness that keeps me on the right path.

I was talking with a person that said they were guided to prayer.

The verse that the Lord gave him...
James 5:16:
16Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

He said he didn't feel righteous enough to pray.

What we need remember... Our actions do not give us our righteousness.
The work of Christ and our acceptance of His work on the cross is what gives us our righteousness.

Our proper actions help us develope a quality of charactor, not a righteousness before God. We can stand boldly before the throne dressed in our righteousness but I am sure I will fall on my face in shame because my charactor does not measure up to God's standard.... For "all" are sinners and "all" fall short.

[cmc]

That is very interesting. I see shame as an emotion and blame as a fact. If I am wrong by sin of omission or commision- I am to blame. If I continue to feel remorse about it- that is shame. If that sin is forgiven, blame is erased and shame has no rightful place in me. I see that kind of shame as from the devil who accuses me and tries to make me feel ashamed of what God has already graciously forgiven.
I recently heard Dr. Stanley speak (on television) about conscience and it 'goes with' much of what has been shared in this thread. For anyone who is interested I think the transcripts and/or sermon notes are available.
Thank you for sharing, Butterflywoman! btw I like John Bradshaw too.