Returning to a Meeting after a relationship fails/one falls

[Mercedes1]

I have a question. I just fell off the wagon this past week after 7.5months sober. One of the reasons (not all) but main reason (not that Im excusing my behavior) but as to what led me to make a bad decision to drink...was a relationship I had with one of the men in a meeting I regularly attended.

First, I have been attending this meeting since last August (2006). One of the first people I met was an old friend of mine (who is the man I eventually dated)..didn't even recognize him until later..second time I went to this meeting about 2months later (October). Since that time I picked up attendance at that meeting and so it has become a place where he and I always went. We have said hello at these meetings but basically left it at that. We occassionaly chatted about how funny life was we both ended up where we were (there at a meeting) and the irony. The reason I explain that is because he was a warm, friendly face of my past which encouraged me when I first started attending AA.

It wasn't until many months later, May 2007 we started dating outside the meeting. I was 5 months sober he has 4years. We went out after a meeting to just catch up..about life before when we knew eachother and also I wanted to know why he never shared at meetings..very weird. He NEVER shares.

Anway, it was at the first dinner he asked me how I felt on relationships before a year. My sponsor told me it was a suggestion but nothing concrete. I basically repeated what she told me. I am not against a relationship..just leaving it to God now to evolve. I recognize my issues behind the drink were self esteem,etc. and I told him all this. With that said, I am not against continuing the friendship but figured he (being 4yrs sober) would "get it" to keep things simple between. Not heavy. Atleast that is what I thought and was hoping. Im not going to say no to wanting to get to know him better...we were both enjoying that meeting, learning more of eachother so why not? I figured he would know the value of no sex..that is fairly obvious you mix that in early sobriety and things get complicated, especially since I told him in advance MORE THAN ONE OCCASSION to take it slow, my issues were self worth, esteem, I needed time to work on that. 4th step, 5th step were still (at that time) in the making. In retrospect, I don't think this guy had a clue the importance of sex in those steps..

At any rate, we started dating slowly after that. Until it broke apart last Friday. I decided I wanted to slow down..felt it was best since I didn't want sex to get in the way of evolving, etc. etc. He wanted sex. I am a strong beliver in doing God's will so I told him over and over to wait on that..I was not spiritually fit, needed time to work on issues of self esteem and thought that was putting too much pressure on our friendship and a good idea to hold off.

Anyway, he broke up with me. Then changed his mind, came back then broke up again 2 weeks later.

that is when I drank. I had just tried so hard to fight the temptation to not beat myself up..felt I pushed the sex too much, he is gone, felt the lonliness, etc. all the crap that I used to drink over before.

I knew better but I did anyway. I also was having issues at work, jsut everything happening all at once.

to make a long story longer, I now am coming back as you all know

but the same meeting I met this guy at is one of my regular meetings. Should I not go anymore? I felt bad last thurs going BEFORE I drank just being there with him because of our history.funny things were great before..but he didn't show up last Thurs ..wondered if it was because we wwere broke up, or not. Didn't really matter. Tried to go and just focus on the meeting but couldnt.

Now my dilemma is going back to that meeting post falling (drinking). If I was having issues before drinking over the b/up..how much more now I have to confess I drank. I still am hurt on that relationship ending. I still have trepedation on seeing him. He doesn't know I drank. I have not heard from him since he broke the relatinship off. I love that meeting but things have changed.

Part of me says I am punishing myself more to go to this meeting now in my new sobriety (day 3), but no meeting is also a form of punishment. I love that meeting, time/s work for me. It filled a very important role in my "program" before and was a large part of my recovery before I drank.

However I did find a meeting some what close that I could try. This man attended the meeting we met at way before me so out of respect I could just never go back. I have to admit I am not sure if I can handle the humilation of telling people I drank in front of him. Some how I don't see him as a huge supporter of me simply from an AA Beginners side as he never shared before with others. Kinda has a weird program he runs. He believes most sharing is nonsense? So I am trying to protect my new sobriety but wondering if I should just face him, ignore him..it is my meeting too. But not sure if that is good. It may be best to move on and find a new meeting..maybe not as conveninet but it is what it is.

I think this was ruined on this meeting anyway before I drank as I felt awful last Thursday too not knowing how he was going to act when I saw him after the b/up. I can just go back to being friends but have to admit the thought of seeing him was hard. Or NOT seeing him for that matter..felt guilty I may have ruined the meeting for him? Even though HE asked me out, not me asked him. And more importantly, he broke up with ME, not me him. But I still felt hurt, worried, concerned, fearful, guilty none the less. The very feelings I wanted to avoid before this happened. Came back with vengence.


My one AA girl friend told me to not go back. She said atleast for now. Just dump it after all this.

Any advice?

[mike_mass]

Find a meeting that he does not attend.

[Mercedes1]

Thanks,sorry for the loooooooong drama for such a simple question...

[Grasshopper]

Hi,its not about---him,what,he thinks,what, others think or anything else.
its about-----"Your"--recovery.In the BB[cant find it at the moment} but it speaks about how we allow others,[people,world]dominate us,,fancy,or real.And what we need to do about this,for our own recovery.
Face your fears and recover----Let no one stand in your way of your recovery.
If you need this meeting,by all means go to it,regardless,of who is there or who is not.He could turn up at any ole meeting that your at.Dont allow,your feelings[which are not facts,just feelings at the moment.Real,but could change,as your progressing along.
i dont care what folks think about me.Im doing the best i can.I will do better when i know better.Those who judge me,well,i need to pray for them,really.All that i worried about never happened,it was all in my own mind.When i shared, that i drank again,our group was there,,to help me.I got a sponsor,and continued on,one day at a time.This IS whats its all about---recovery-----
Keep on,keeping on,with your recovery...

[Pol]

Morning - Mercedes - I agree with Grashoppr (going to have to watch this - I often agree) - this is about you. I was told, when I came in to stick with the women - listen to the men but never put myself into a vulnerable position with them, we are all sick people trying to get well. I would return to the meeting if it was one I enjoyed, hold my head up, and let him worry about his reactions. You are there for yourself, he has got to grow up and deal with his emotions. Find women to sit with, and let them surround and protect you. You've got a lot to deal with, give yourself time and concentrate on your sobriety.
Don't let anyone put you off doing what you need for your sobriety.

[Mercedes1]

Wow..thanks. How inspiring. That was my largest struggle before I fell was not letting my feelings or concern of what this guy is thinking to bother me. It is what it is. thanks again.

[Melanchonika]

agree with the others.......as soon as you go feeling guilty over how YOUR decision is affecting HIM, you cant think clearly to make a good decision for YOURSELF. this isnt about being 'politically correct', its about your recovery.

even though you drank, i find it very admirable that you chose to go through the pain of the breakup and not give into the sex. you are also attempting to get right back up on the wagon. additionally, you are trying to process through what happened in a very healthy way, IMO. i REALLY see a ton of postives here. a ton!

[Mercedes1]

Melanchonika..thank you so much. Your post made my day today. Thank you. I believe it is the spiritual maturity behind the drink I have grown in the last 7.5mos before I fell that has allowed me any grace today. For me, that is why I am back and I am grateful to God and people like you that continue to support and encourage people like me. Doesn't excuse the fall, I am scarred..trust me, but this isn't like it was before at this junctior. I have lived the promises..not just hearing them. But I also realize I cannot rely on past strength or failures..this is a new day. The fall was wrong, so what I need to do today is not do it again.

Thanks so much for your encouragement.

[Melanchonika]

you are very welcome! i was only speaking the truth of what i saw in your post, and i saw a very different attitude....kinda like a slip, but not a 'backslide'.....it takes a lot of courage and strength to resist falling back into that comfortable shame cycle....it certainly is no little thing.

additionally, thanks for letting me know my post touched you; by doing so you just boomeranged encouragment back MY way! blessings!