Frustrated with myself and God

[sugarssweetpea]

I am feeling very frustrated right now with both myself and God. I unnecessarily yelled at one of my children, threw a pot on the floor & slammed the door. I have such uncontrollable mood swings. I have for a long time. I struggle with depression. I know that I do not eat right or exercise & that is part of the problem. I know that I have low serotonin levels b/c of all of the drugs & alcohol that I used to do & now have replaced with sugar. Actually the sugar started when I was pretty small. I remember not being able to control how many freezer pops I would eat at age 7. I guess I am feeling frustrated with myself b/c I know that when I feel the anger tightening in my chest, I need to remove myself from the situation at that time, before anything else happens. I need to pray & I need to get myself into the word. I am feeling frustrated with God b/c He never seems to let up. He created me this way with the low serotonin & all. He placed me with my parents who never showed me love & who never thought I was good enough, so now I have carried all of those feelings with me. I know them, I recognize them, I just do not know how to get rid of them. I go for a couple of weeks at a time without losing it so to speak on someone, but it always comes back. I just do not understand why He keeps it coming. I do not understand why I cannot get a break. I knew when I woke up this morning, my head was in the fog/funk. Why couldn't things just go smoother this morning. Why couldn't I at least be rewarded with one good day. Why was the last 3 or 4 weeks not good enough for Him. Why does he have to keep pushing me when He knows that I am going to fail. After I removed myself from the situation with a slam of a door, I proceeded to tell God exactly how I felt about it. Told Him that I am p****d off at Him and such. Told Him what I told you all. I know that it is okay to show my feelings to Him. But I also told Him that I hated myself & I hated that He ever created me. I feel bad about feeling that way. I feel that it is disrespect to God b/c He did create me & everything He created is good. I can picture myself happy. I can picture myself healthy. I just cannot seem to get there. I don't know. I am very frustrated & cannot seem to stop crying today. That seems to happen about every other day it seems. What a wonderful example for my children I am. My step daughter told me about a month ago, after the last time I lost it on them, that no other adult in her life looses it like I do. And most of the other ones are not christian. What a wonderful witness for Christ I am.

[GlassPrisoner]

Sounds like things aren't going your way, that always makes me crabby. And the call us alikes childish....Pfffft !!!!

Remember, He has a plan fo you. Everything is as it should be. Pray for acceptance, and for knowledge of His will for you. Do the next right thing, and keep doing it. Something good will happen. It always does for me if I keep in a fit spiritual condition.

[cmc]

Hello friend,
I'm reminded of so many things I have learned in the program of recovery and how my powerlessness over some things leads me to accept what I cannot change and begin to change the things I can. Simple but not easy.

What can I do? I can take care of my body...go for checkups, exercise and eat properly. I can listen to what my doctor says and although I might not change overnight I can begin to do things differently-in small but sure ways. I found that alot of my mood related problems were due to hormonal issues- and when I was treated by a specialist I saw results.

What can't I do? I can't control all the other things around me...but many of those things I can learn to respond differently to, manage differently, set boundaries for others and self plus find others who understand and maybe share the same issues.

I hope that you will continue to pray and have faith- specifically for each and all the issues you have. I have often found myself in situations like yours when I did not feel like praying. I think this is the worst mistake I can make to stop praying and believing- and I've been there so many times, when hope seemed fruitless. God is still here, He is listening, loves you and He wants you to be well.

He did create me & everything He created is good. I can picture myself happy. I can picture myself healthy.

That viewpoint itself is a gift from the Lord. He is reminding you and giving you hope. The hard thing about mood swings is how we feel when it happens seems so real. It is real but it is temporary and it's like that verse about 'looking in a glass darkly' ... filtered through the distress.

Oh...and about being a 'witness' for the Lord....God is in control and He knows the issues and struggles- being a witness for Him is 'everything' about my helplessness and His saving grace- saving me from myself and so many other things.... not just saving my soul. You are a witness because you are His child.

Take care, here's a hug and some prayers too.

[sugarssweetpea]

I talked with my husband about it & he kindly reminded me that I am going to go through all of these changes b/c I am trying to cut out sugar which makes my serotonin levels plummet until my body gets used to producing it on it's own again. He also reminded me of Moses who argued with God, Job who cursed the day he was formed in his mothers womb & Paul who said something to the affects of why do I do the things that I know I shouldn't & don't do the things I know I should. He said that I am living biblically b/c I am feeling all of those things. I told him that I feel bad when I have days that all I want to do is cry b/c I feel like I am disrespecting God b/c of all the blessings He has given me & I really have no reason to cry & feel like I am letting God down. He told me that God has given me the blessings b/c of my spiritual growth. He showed me how God has blessed me with the abiblity to stay home with my children b/c of my growth in handling my anger & mood swings. He said that if I was today where I was 4 years ago, when my first son was born with my moods, then I would probably be still working. I never corrulated the two together. I know that I need a lot of work, and most of it comes down to discipline issues, or lack there of. I really would like to ask for prayer in the motivation area to become disciplined in the areas of life that I am not.

[IO Storm]

sugar...

I cannot count the times...especially lately..where I have had to get on my knees

and ask god to gorgive for not trusting..then I fail to trust when things do not

improve and I am crushed. And the cycle goes on....

I would like to share with you somehting a friend posted today in another

forum that hit me right in the eyes and spoke to my heart about where I

am in this spritual journey....

Hope it helps you as well...

All my love,



IO


Near the Top

I know you're tired. I know you feel overwhelmed. You may feel as though
this crisis, this problem, this hard time will last forever.

It won't. You are almost through.

You don't just think it has been hard; it has been hard. You have been
tested, tried, and retested on what you have learned.

Your beliefs and your faith have been tried in fire. You have believed, then
doubted, then worked at believing some more. You have had to have faith even
when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe. Others
around you may have tried to convince you not to believe in what you were
hoping you could believe.

You have had opposition. You have not gotten to this place with total
support and joy. You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening
around you. Sometimes, what motivated you was anger; sometimes fear.

Things went wrong - more problems occurred than you anticipated. There were
obstacles, frustrations, and annoyances en route. You did not plan on this
being the way it would evolve. Much of this has been a surprise; some of it
has not been at all what you desired.

Yet, it has been good. Part of you, the deepest part that knows truth, has
sensed this all along, even when your head told you that things were out of
whack and crazy; that there was no plan or purpose, that God had forgotten
you.

So much has happened, and each incident - the most painful, the most
troubling, and the most surprising - has a connection. You are beginning to
see and sense that.

You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you? But they did. Now
you are learning the secret - they were meant to happen this way, and this
way is good, better than what you expected.

You didn't believe it would take this long, either - did you? But it did.
You have learned patience.

You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.

You have been led. Many were the moments when you thought you were
forgotten, when you were convinced you had been abandoned. Now you know you
have been guided.

Now things are coming into place. You are almost at the end of this phase,
this difficult portion of the journey. The lesson is almost complete. You
know - the lesson you fought, resisted, and insisted you could not learn.
Yes, that one. You have almost mastered it.

You have been changed from the inside out. You have been moved to a
different level, a higher level, a better level.

You have been climbing a mountain. It has not been easy, but mountain
climbing is never easy. Now, you are near the top. A moment longer, and the
victory shall be yours.

Steady your shoulders. Breathe deeply. Move forward in confidence and peace.
The time is coming to relish and enjoy all, which you have fought for. That
time is drawing near, finally.

I know you have thought before that the time was drawing near, only to learn
that it wasn't. But now, the reward is coming. You know that too. You can
feel it.

Your struggle has not been in vain. For every struggle on this journey,
there is a climax, a resolution.

Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on earth. Enjoy.

There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them. And you
have learned the secret of what is at the top.

Today, I will accept where I am and continue pushing forward. If I am in the
midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue on with the
faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. Help me, God; understand
that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times
of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, and help me
meet the challenges that will move me upward and forward...

Melody Beattie

[namommy]

Not much more that I can add.

Baby steps. Remember, Baby steps.

You have already been reminded that some of the most influential men of bilblical times have gotten angry with God. We all do at times.

Someone once told me that God doesn't care how we come to him, As long as we come to him.

I'll keep you in my prayers

[best]

When I start my day knowing that I will be going on the highway (place where I can lose control of my emotions fast)... Knowing what is ahead and praying for God's strength before I leave... I have had people cut me off or almost wipe me out on the bike and continued my ride with a smile (rather then ill thoughts and words)

Start each day... Lord, You know what I will go through this day. I know some of what may be in this day... Give me the strength and peace to handle what ever comes along.
A good tool to use when we feel we are getting angry with children around...
Before opening our mouth... take our finger and just like writing on a chalk board... Form the letter "C" in the air. It makes as a nice reminder... keep our actions and words... Christ like.

[Wascally Wabbit]

I have had so many bad things happen in my life. Some of them consequences from my own behavior!
For me personally, God was the only friend I had through some very dark times. I am thankful for that too.
I could never be mad at the one who would love me when no one else will.

You know he loves you too. Take him by the hand and you will never regret having Him for a best friend.

[sugarssweetpea]

Sometimes the negative side, the flesh side I guess gets the better of me. I know that God is always there for me, it is just a matter if I choose to go to Him or not. Whether I choose to praise Him in everything, leaning on Him for comfort & peace in the bad times, or to praise Him only in the good & curse Him in the not so good. I am working on doing the latter of the two options. I know that lately, actually for quite awhile, my quiet time has been lacking. I know that is most of the problem. I am not spending enought time with the only one who can make me feel better. The only one that can help me through every aspect of my life. I am reading a book right now on the fruits of the spirit. The one that I am working on getting right first is faithfulness. I think that if I become more faithful to God & my relationship to God, the other fruits will be easier to attain. As my signature says:

[caileesnana]

I get mad at God too, posted it here before. I do know that through the last 6 years if not for Him, I wouldn't be here. He has brought me though awful times and all I had to hold onto was my faith. We are only human, not perfect and I believe he understands that!
susan