saw it coming but it still hurts

[chero]

I guess it was bound to happen. I've been contemplating divorce and it just seems the Christian community is so split on the issue.

I haven't told very many people (okay like hardly anybody). But someone actually said to me that I should not file for divorce. They said I should not live with my AH but I should stay married unless my husband chooses to divorce me. Which he has made it perfectly clear won't be happening.

I knew someone would say that to me. I knew it was coming. I grew up in a religious home as a pk and I knew it was coming. But it still hurt me. This person knows about the abuse, the horrible years I've spent with him, the things I've done and suffered.

It hurts, you know? I'm confused and sad and I don't know.....I'm just sad.

[best]

Chero

If you take what is written and follow it in a extremely literal sense...

Separate but not divorce is what is written. Semantics and as many people as you ask can gain you just as many different answers.

Look at it from this angle... What is the rush in getting a divorce?
Getting to a safe place was your beginning goal... Goal completed.
Next goal...growing and learning.
Though a divorce may bring closure...it can also add more heartache.
For right now you need continue working on goal #2... your growth and learning.
Other things can wait.

When not sure...wait and do nothing.
From where you are at right this moment... wait and let God guide you to the answers.

[cmc]

Chero,
While you are still contemplating, why not only allow those who are supportive to have any say about your life? I've learned the hard way not to have 'too many cooks in the kitchen' and to have just few that I trust with my issues.
You have come a long way in learning how to stand up for yourself- your husband will not be the last person you will have to face and take a stand against. Unfortunately not all of God's kids (myself included) know how to behave at times and can cause alot of pain and harm. Remember to have boundaries.
When I have had unsolicited advice given to me, I just pray for that person, forgive them for being insensitive and remember to stay out of their way. It's perfectly alright to say "I'd rather not discuss this."
Your safety and security are at stake here and it's very easy for somebody who doesn't 'get it' to discount that and use 'religion' to meddle in your affairs.
Keep on seeking the Lord. He will guide you.
Prayers & hugs,
cmc

[dontcareinmi]

3The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?

4And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,

5And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

7They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?

8He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.

9And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

10His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry.

11But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given.

[Grasshopper]

Understand and have been there also.
It wasnt until i let go and let God,that the miracles started to happen,in our marriage.Thought of as hopeless,by myself and many others about our marriage.It has turned around by God,s Grace.Recovery,for me,with AA/Al-anon,taught me so much.Forgiving others who have hurt me.No longer judging them.Be it hub or anyone else,who has hurt me.Through prayers,ive come to an understanding,insight,that was not there as long as i had my plans,on my mind,which at the time was divorce.Divorce has never heal the inside hurts,only God,can heal this kind of pain.Folks can comfort,listen,but no human power can heal.Thanks for letting me share,my experience,
God Bless,and my prayers for both of you.
Let God take over,your life.

[Barbara52]

I am in the same position since I have left my husband and intend to divorce. If I were Catholic, I'd be getting an annulment since the marriage was based on lies and deceit. I do not believe God wants me to stay in a marriage that never truly was a marriage, not to a man who has turned his back on Christ and God.

[best]

Originally Posted by Barbara52

I am in the same position since I have left my husband and intend to divorce. If I were Catholic, I'd be getting an annulment since the marriage was based on lies and deceit. I do not believe God wants me to stay in a marriage that never truly was a marriage, not to a man who has turned his back on Christ and God.

My question would be... why divorce?
Your removed from the situation so you are not "in" the marriage.
The question is asked more so to get an understanding of what future goals may be.

As for annulments...Well that is a topic that maybe I shouldn't talk about out in an open public forum.

[chero]

I can't get a release to do anything. I mean, I've moved out and here I sit. Everyone around me keeps saying I should file for divorce because I'm in limbo with him and I can't move on, etc.

Part of me keeps saying give him one more chance and part of me keeps saying what for??? Because this week he isn't on a binge and might stay sober? And his promises are getting more dramatic.

I remember all those nights when I prayed for courage to walk out the door and never found it. Now I find myself praying for courage not to walk back through them.

My heart is breaking. I love him so much and part of me is ashamed to admit that. But I don't really understand why.

I seem to understand less and less these days.

[prodigal]

Chero, biblical semantics aside, I know two Christian women who are very strong in their faith who divorced their husbands, both of whom were active alcoholics. There was a great deal of abuse in the relationships and in one case, there was adultery.

Neither woman remarried, but they made their choice and appear to be comfortable with that choice. God will never, ever stop loving you even if you decide to divorce your AH. As I heard on a recent Joyce Meyer show, "When you're in need of answers, instead of reaching for the phone, go to the throne."

You have a free will to make choices for your own life. As I said, God's love for you will endure for eternity, whether you divorce your AH or not.

[best]

Originally Posted by chero

My heart is breaking. I love him so much and part of me is ashamed to admit that. But I don't really understand why.

and God loves me so much but He isn't ashamed one bit.

Could it be you have the Lord's love in your heart? That is nothing to be shameful about.
Love isn't a light switch that we can turn off and on at will. You have no reason to feel shame.
I wouldn't say that a person is in limbo. I would think more along the lines of... we are in a waiting period....waitig for God to guide our next step.
When in doubt...wait for God's answers.
Remember what I shared a while back?
Walk your path. Do what you need do for you. He can run and catch up or stay behind if that is his choice. God will allow some to walk away so that the one who is faithful can be set free or He will change a heart so that he runs and catches up.

[Barbara52]

Originally Posted by best

My question would be... why divorce?
Your removed from the situation so you are not "in" the marriage.
The question is asked more so to get an understanding of what future goals may be.

I plan on a divorce to protect myself and my sons financially. As long as I am married to him, I can be held responsible for debts and liabilities he runs up. I refuse to allow that to happen. For instance, I will continue to pay for AH's health and life insurance as long as we are married since all it would take is one hospitalization to eat up the equity in the house we own. Also If he dies while still married to me, I want to be able to take that life insurance and give his daughters at least some financial inheritance from their father's life.

[best]

Barb

Not that you needed answer but I thank you for your answer.
You seem to have thought things through and are setting some firm boundaries.

I remember when I filed... it was thought out but thought out with emotions in the way.
I filed for the wrong reasons and God showed me different. We stopped it once I came to my senses (with God help). In my case it was wrong. In your case or any one else...
It is between you and God.

Good to read that you have thought (and I hoped prayed) things through fully.

[Grasshopper]

Hi,Chero,you say that --everyone around you keeps saying that you should file for divorce----Same here.There was not one person,way back when i too was considering divorce,said that i should stay.Even a Nun,said that i could if wanted to,get an annulment.I had lots of grounds to do this.Thing is,that no person should be telling me what to do,or not to do.They have the answers for my very life?Do they know God,s Plans for our marriage,and for me????
Its great to get councel,as i do,but when folks start telling me what i should or need to do,what i need to do,is go elsewheres for councel.Someone who will listen,let me talk,we pray about it,take our time,and let God,s Will come into my life.Others experiences are their experiences,and mine do not have to be the same too.I know this because i eventually stopped asking for opinions,of others,got down on my knees and prayed,without my own intentions,really letting to,and letting God.
Today our marriage,which was totally hopeless,years ago,when given to God,and put into His hands,is better than i ever dreamed about,in the past.Worldly advise is what it is.Ive been given some great advise in my life by others.But MY.decisions,are never made,witout God,and my going to Him,asking,,,,,,shutting out all the chatter of the good intention world..
My prayers are with you.Listen to what God,is telling you,not what others think that they think He is telling you....smile...

[duet_4-8]

Originally Posted by chero

I can't get a release to do anything. I mean, I've moved out and here I sit. Everyone around me keeps saying I should file for divorce because I'm in limbo with him and I can't move on, etc.

Part of me keeps saying give him one more chance and part of me keeps saying what for??? Because this week he isn't on a binge and might stay sober? And his promises are getting more dramatic.

Filing for divorce doesn't necessarily mean that a divorce will happen. Nor does it mean that you have to 'move on' in terms of starting another relationship. It does sometimes firm up the boundaries that addicts refuse to acknowledge any other way. Sometimes it is the thing that brings a person to the realization that changes have to be made. (If nothing changes, then nothing changes....)

Divorces don't become final over night, and you can take it as slowly as you want to. Heck, even if you would rather it go quickly, it won't. You can always reconcile in the future if you become convinced that your ah is really changed.

I am also a Christian, and I have struggled mightily with this issue. I have come to resolution within myself through much prayer, study, and counseling with my Pastor. I truly believe that at this point in my life, I have no other choice. In my case, filing was all I could do to be able to get some real distance between myself and my exah in order to be able to work on me. Having legal restraints against him to keep him away from me was the only way, because he refused to respect my boundaries and stop his abuse.

I lived with this man for 25 years and nothing ever got any better. It was either leave him and protect myself, my children, and now my grandaughter, or lose myself to madness. I am content and peaceful in my decision, and no longer feel the need to justify it to those who have no idea what my 'marriage' was like.

It does kind of bug me that some seem to think that getting a divorce is some sort of unpardonable sin, and that one should stay married to an abusive, adulterous, addicted spouse-no matter what-based on legalism. I believe that God hates divorce for the same reason that he hates pride, or lust, or idolatry, or any other sin. I believe that He hates sin of all kinds because of the pain that results for the person involved. I also believe that He is a loving, forgiving, caring Father who wants only the best for His children-including the spouse of a person who has already shattered the vows of marriage.

[sojourner]

Chero:

I'm going to withhold my opinion on divorce or just live separate - but I will speak from experience in saying that if you do decide to live separate without divorce then still seek something to protect yourself financially. Just living separate still makes you liable for all debts he incurs even after the separation occurred. I believe the legal term is "legal separation" that protects you and your children. Remember, in the eyes of the state your marriage is very similar to a business partnership.


Sue

[cmc]

Chero,
God's anwers to my prayers are usuall: "Yes" or "No" or "Wait"
It is up to you to decide and until you really know what you need to do- then waiting is your best option. I do agree with what was shared about making your separation legal...because that provides protection for you.

I have to admit I can get pretty steamed up at people who think they hear from God
on my behalf...that is a very arrogant attitude to take. I reserve that place to my own thinking and maybe two other people in addition to a pastor and/or a professional therapist- not just someone who has taken a few courses at their church, or know nothing about my situation. I am a Stephen's Minister- and my training is all non professional. There are no college credits given for this- yet many Christians feel it's fine to operate as Christian counselors when in fact they are extremely unqualified to do so. (sorry for my little rant)

Most people mean well (some do not) and yet they cause harm. I Peter 4:15 warns us not to be a "troublesome meddler."

one more thing to think about:
"Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace." 1 Cor. 7:15
The word 'leaving' here is open to different interpretations....I can stay put in my home and leave my relationship emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially. I can stay put and completely 'leave' or give up any or all consideration for the other person. You left because he abandoned you- hurt you and continues to live in that destructive spiral. imo...He left you a long time ago.

Chero- I recommend you do what you think is right, when you think it's right. You are the one who has to live with the decision.