Serina's daily journal

[serina]

day 1: June 20, 2007
I've decided to keep an online journal here to monitor my progress as I go on this new medication (Cymbalta) to see if it is helping me.

I'm also working on myself in many areas besides meds such as

1. spiritual (prayer, reading my Bible, searching for a church, attending CR, reading other books)

2. Exercise daily, healthy diet, spending time outside

3. Counseling

4. job search

5. looking for social activities to join

I thought this would be a safe place to journal because i've received so much support here and also i don't like to journal on paper and leave it lying around for anyone to find.

I start my medication tonight. As of late I have been feeling depressed and anxious. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I am fearful and feeling very alone. I have trouble concentrating and focusing and motivating myself to do things like look for jobs, housework, yardwork, etc. I find myself tearful almost daily. I keep praying but still feel distant from God. I have overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame over things in my past....even though I have prayed about these. I don't feel much hope for the future at this moment. I wanted to record these feelings so I will know when I am making progress.

[AcceptingChange]

Originally Posted by serina

As of late I have been feeling depressed and anxious. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I am fearful and feeling very alone. I have trouble concentrating and focusing and motivating myself to do things like look for jobs, housework, yardwork, etc. I find myself tearful almost daily. I have overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame over things in my past....even though I have prayed about these. I don't feel much hope for the future at this moment. .

wow serina, those are powerful feelings. i can relate.
me too. the way i get out of bed is to do it early (5am) and go exercise.
nobody is talkative at the ymca at that time of morning.
on saturdays, when i don't start this way, i get pretty overwhelmed
with stomach churning and anxiety. one thing i'm able to do is just
start moving. i know that's not always an option for everyone.
and i'm scared it may stop for me.
i'm doing my best to ignore the causes why i have those feelings right now.
i have to deal with detoxing & sobering first.

thanks for sharing.

[emmer]

2 thumbs up Serina, right on !!!!

[serina]

June 21
Thanks for the encouragement and suggestions. I know I do need to start getting up earlier. I tend to stay up late reading (12 am -1 am) and then sleep til 8:30-9 am. that will change when i get a job.

this is day 2 of cymbalta. i know it takes a while to notice a change so i'm going to journal as often as possible to see the change. i pushed today and did some things around the house, gave my dog a bath, laundry, etc. i'm going to the beach tomorrow thru monday so i'll miss a couple days in the journal. hope to boost my mood there. i'm taking my friends bike to ride. i also run so i plan to either run or bike each day - or both! also do a little shopping (with mom). I'm taking my book "believing God" by Beth Moore and my recovery Bible. I love that Bible. its easy to read and i like the devotionals.

i'm feeling a little more hopeful today. i also had a job lead that might be ok for me. when i get back from the beach my goal is to
1. get serious about studying for the licensure exam and take it in the next 2 weeks.
2. lots of job applications and look into some volunteer work (do the hospital applications)
3. find a church to visit for the next sunday

right now i'm doing good with my healthy eating. i haven't been craving sweets and i'm actually watching portions. i think its the depression and anxiety though. i have been doing good with my habit of walking in the evening after dinner. i wait until about 8:30-9pm and go when its getting dark. i love the way the neighborhood feels at that time, the air and quietness. its really hot here so its go really early or late. i'm just not there yet with mornings.

the other thing i'm enjoying is just sitting on my deck in the a.m. and also just piddling around in the yard. i'm avoiding television and radio...except for my christian radio station. i just don't need the stress right now.

i just got a call for a 3rd interview for a position but its not really the one i want b/c it is 2nd shift but the money is good and i really need the money so i may need to take it if it is offered. i'll keep praying about it. i could always find a better position after i get the license and a little experience. i just really want to get involved in some church activities and make some new friends. this position would be working evenings and also every other weekend. but 2 days off each week they would just vary.

i guess that's it for today.

[best]

Originally Posted by serina

3. find a church to visit for the next sunday

Don't get discouraged. I visited 3 churches and not a one felt right. I gave up on looking and just about said... Lord if you want me in church...
Well I was guided to a church that I never would have visited on my own.

Ask in prayer...

Lord guide me to where You want me to be.

A bible believing, bible teaching place of worship and fellowship to the Lord.
A place you can grow in but more important...a place that the Lord can use you to bless others.
The Holy Spirit will be your guide. He sure was mine that day.

[chero]

Hey Serina, When I was reading your post it reminded me of one of my favorite Bible verses.
Luke 1:45-Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished.

You may not see it, but your faith is strong. Keep believing! Keep going forward! Like the verse says, you'll be blessed for believing that God's word is true. You don't have to receive to be blessed...you're blessed if you believe!

I think you are doing a good thing here! Keep it up!!

[AcceptingChange]

great job, serina!
i love how you're keeping track of yourself,
mothering yourself kindly. That is very important.
Don't do too much, don't put yourself in stressful situations.
At least not by choice.
It seems like you're developing a calm place within.
That will help you so much with each new day.

Enjoy your quiet time at the beach!

[serina]

6/26/07
It wasn't very quiet at the beach b/c of all the kids/families there. There were a few quiet moments. my anxiety is still high. I don't feel any effects yet from the medicine but its only been a few days. i have a couple of interviews this week. i can't wait to go back to my CR group friday night. i just feel so lonely. i need to keep working on forming some social support. its hard with the depression.

[namommy]

Hey Serina,
You will be OK. Keep praying, doing what you are doing, take the meds you need and you you will be OK.

Believe it or not, you are actually DOING better than you FEEL.

Keep up the good work.

[serina]

Thanks Laurie. that is a good way to look at it...doing better than I feel...I'll remember that. I've often heard feelings follow behavior.

[serina]

6/27
no improvements this morning. i'm getting discouraged waking up to these feelings. i have an interview this afternoon. i'm praying i will get the right job. i'm nervous about going to work but need the money. i have no motivation this morning and hate feeling this way. hate to be so negative but i want to remember these feelings so i will be able to note any improvement as i stay on my medicine.

[namommy]

I find when I am going through a period of depression, and I am sleeping alot. I schedule appointments early in the morning. I get up, allowing myself only enough time to jump out of bed and get ready then go. You can pray while in the shower and getting ready, it always helps me get into a positive mode.

I don't give myself enough time to sit and think about what I have to do. If I do, those feelings of dread come along and I usually cancel the appointment.

Just a thought.

[serina]

6/27

i have been a total slug today...yuck...no energy. i had another interview scheduled but it was canceled b/c the man that was going to interview me resigned. yesterdays interview went fine but they don't have a position right now.

thanks for the advice Laurie. I should schedule stuff earlier. i just hate mornings so much. i hate waking up b/c i hate the way i feel when i wake up. but you're right if i had somewhere i had to be and got ready right away that would help. as of today i don't have anything else scheduled for this week.

i haven't even felt well enough today to read or think of anything positive to do....just blah.

[serina]

6/28
more slugging today. i'm really letting my exercise habit go. i've got to get back to it. i've been eating too much junk too. i want to increase my cymbalta to 60mg but i don't go back to the doctor until a week from today. i feel like i am wasting my life away. i feel so alone all day sitting here while imaging others living their lives. i see my parents in the evenings and feel i am a drain to them b/c i stay so blue. i just really want these feelings to go away. my job prospects are dimming. there's just not much in the market. i did review for my license for about an hour but its hard to focus. i'm so tired of dragging myself out of the bed and feeling the same way each day. i wish i could see some hope for this to get better. i'm so tired.

[namommy]

Just keep going. Don't give up. life kicks us in the a$$ sometimes, but God gives us the strength to take the blow.

I've learned to stick to it, and eventually things get better. ALWAYS hold onto HOPE. As long as you don't pick up, there is HOPE. God is HOPE.

You will get better.

[rayofsunshine]

Praying for you now, Serina. Hope you're ok and able to check in soon.

[serina]

Thanks for checking on me ray. I just came from my counselor. I was thinking about telling her I wasn't going to come anymore but I didn't. it's hard work but I usually leave there feeling some hope. I'm still waiting for the meds to kick in and to hear from some job applications.

I visited a church on sunday. I was intimidated by the crowds. i don't like crowds especially when i feel anxious and depressed. i've been taking a walk every night after dinner and that is something i've started looking forward to even though i push myself to do it. i love being outside at night. its so hot here but it feels good to me around 9 pm...very peaceful.

i've let the house and yardwork go and need to start putting some effort there. try to do one thing each day on the house and/or yard. i was discussing with her how isolated i feel not working especially since i live alone. a lot of what i feel is just normal for the situation. once i go back to work i won't feel so isolated.

[namommy]

How are your Celebrate Recovery meetings going?

[serina]

7/5/07

I had a little more productive day today than the last few days. I sent out a couple of job applications, gave my dog a bath, went to doctors appt, cleaned the bathroom, etc. that's a big improvement!

I still don't think I notice a big improvement from the meds but this is just week 2. its really just week 1 on the full dose. so i'm still being patient.

Laurie - I"m still going to CR on friday nights. I've been 3 weeks and planning to go again friday night. I enjoy going...its really the highlight of my week...that and my walks in the evening. how is your group going? I wish there were more females that are in recovery from drugs and alcohol. there are only 3 of us...the rest are there for co-dependency, etc...but its a non-judgemental group. there are 2 ladies in particular that I enjoy seeing and one is co-dependent and the other is married to a recovering addict and says she is obsessive-compulsive.

so anyway, i am not crying so much as i was...don't feel quite as anxious. however, i'm still struggling with my energy level, motivation, and lonliness and still some anxiety.

my counseling is going good. as much as i dread going in there and even during the session i will think "i'm not coming back"...especially when she calls me on something and just sits there. but i leave there feeling hopeful. i'm only seeing her every other week now. this is the longest i have stuck with a counselor because i hate talking about my feelings.

i'm still looking for a church and plan to visit this sunday. a church near my house is starting a new singles/single again class and my neighbor invited me. i may visit sunday. i really ahve to push myself b/c i'm still feeling like i don't like to be around a lot of people. i feel like they can sense i am depressed but i know that's just my perception. my counselor and i talked about testing my feelings and seeing am i going by feelings or facts.

i had a nice 4th of july. it was quiet with my family. we watched a movie and had dinner. i sat on the deck a long time with a book...watched the neighbors fireworks.