is it wrong

[chero]

I have been struggling with a question for a few weeks now and I need a Christian perspective on it because I don't know if it's wrong of me to require this.

But I was thinking, if I do go back to my marriage (and I don't know what I'm going to do) is it wrong for me to say to him, "I want you to go to church with me?"

Is that an inappropriate request to make of him? I know I can't force God on him. But I've never asked him for anything like this before. Is it wrong??

[toad]

I don't know?

[best]

You are looking at two issues.
His behavior that the drinking magnifies.
His need to find the Lord so that the two can become one with God.

If he was to seek the Lord and invite the Lord into his heart... the other problems would stop.
If he wasn't drinking and there wasn't a danger of harm towards you... I would say do as the bible tells us... Be the example so that others will know Christ because of our actions.
You could request of him that he attend church but I wouldn't make it a requirement.
As you said...can't force God on him...and rather then say...

"I want you to go to church with me?"

I would say... I would like you to go to church with me.

One is a demand and one is a request but I think he has a long way to go before even reaching such a point of asking even being considered.

We can demand AA meetings. We can demand NA meetings. We can demand they go to church. Nothing can come of any demands if they are not willing to listen to the message.
When he says...I want to stop... You could say...seek Jesus and you will find the strength and commitment to change. A relationship with Jesus will change the whole person from the inside out.
When he says...I want to stop... and you say..Meetings and working a recovery program... he would change from the outside in (if he works a good program)
To answer your question more direct...
Demand of him to go to church...No
Require by way of a request (set as a boundary) ... Yes
Can Jesus change his heart? Yes
So I feel it is a good boundary to set if things are to work out in the future.

Still comes down to...Proper actions...over time are what you will need see before ever reaching a point of thinking about getting back together.
Give the Lord the needed time to do His work on your husband's heart.

[chero]

Originally Posted by best

Still comes down to...Proper actions...over time are what you will need see before ever reaching a point of thinking about getting back together.

This is what I didn't want you to say, Best.

His actions are screaming at me but I can't hear the words because all I want to do is go back. Even though I know if I go back and he starts drinking it could mean very bad things for me.

It's so hard to let go with him pressuring me to come back "now or never." And love gets in the way. I asked him for more time. I told him I've given him 12 years to straighten up his life. I need more time.

I guess I've been thinking about my options and I hate them. I figured the answer to my question was no.

The days seem to get harder. Thanks, Best.

[liveweyerd]

Even happily married...I have invited my husband to go to church. I have asked him to go to church and he really does not want to, it makes him very uncomfortable for past reasons I totally understand.
He encourages me to go if I want and will even go along and sit on a park bench while I am there. He will tour empty churches with me. But I regret those times I have been insistent.

just my 2 cents, and Best always has a quarter!

[TryingisDying]

I don't think that is is wrong at all to ask! But you have to remeber that he has a right to say no. Maybe he will say no now but end up later going with you later. Go for yourself and don't worry about him. Go to Church for you and maybe he will want what you have and will follow but only go for you!

[chero]

I have invited him to go to church with me in the past. He and I actually met in church and I still go to church but he has only gone about 4 times in 11 years.

Maybe I'm being selfish. It's so hard to go alone and sit there alone when I know I have a spouse. It's only been recently that AH has started blaming God for my leaving and changing.
Of course, I'm probably just avoiding the big issue here...to return to the marriage or not.

I'm emotionally all over the place today(most days).

I don't think it's something I can demand of him either. Even though my Pastor thought I could. I don't see how that would work. I wouldn't want him to demand I go to the bar with him on Sat. nights. Isn't that the same thing?

I'm avoiding or looking for excuses to make a decision. Maybe both.
UGH!!!!!

[serina]

Chero, does your church or a church in your area have a Celebrate Recovery group? you can go on their website and locate a group. he might be more apt to go and talk to other addicts/alcoholics that are Christians than to go to a church service. you could ask him if he would consider giving it a try. they have testimonys and he may hear something he could really relate to. they also break into a small group and share.

[chero]

We live in such a small community. Our church doesn't have that group. I've never heard of it. I'll check into it! Thanks!

[rayofsunshine]

Chero, although I do believe God can work miracles, I wouldn't expect just going to church to be a cure for the alcoholic/addict, although it's possible a seed will be planted in their minds or heart. My AH went thru a year long Christian rehab... did well, we actually were the happiest we've ever been in our marriage during that time, gave his testimony at different churches around town. But as soon as he got out, was back to using in a few months. God could have changed him if he was truly seeking him, but AH used his free will because he wasn't really ready to give up the old lifestyle. I agree with Best's answers... and remember ACTIONS not words.
Keep praying and searching.... the answers will come.

[chero]

Actions speak louder than words.

That is so true. But so hard when they mean well.

[cmc]

But I was thinking, if I do go back to my marriage
Chero,
These two words will get me in trouble most times I use them or think about them. They are great distracters. What I need to do is deal with what is. I try to make first things first and then deal with the rest later. It's a very common codie behavior to dwell on the 'what ifs' and we call is 'awfulization' but it can be wishful thinking as well. I try to live in today.

It's so hard to let go with him pressuring me to come back "now or never." And love gets in the way.

And when is the 'now' and how long is 'never' he speaks of? That's not love according to the bible's definition of it.

Back to your original question, it's never wrong to ask for what you want or need. Do you think you would hear him ask you "Mind if I come along today?" to go to church or to anywhere else you would like?

[chero]

Originally Posted by cmc

Do you think you would hear him ask you "Mind if I come along today?" to go to church or to anywhere else you would like?

No, I don't think I would hear that from him. If he doesn't want to do it then he doesn't do it.

I don't know!

[best]

Two separate issues if looked at one at a time but the answers to the drinking can be found if he was to accept the Lord into his heart. Going to church and reading the bible is what may get him to that point.

If someone asks me how do I stop drinking... my answer would be to point them in a direction that gives answers and support.
My first choice is the Lord.
My second choice would be AA meetings or some other recovery program.

So yes share what works and it becomes his choice.

[duet_4-8]

Originally Posted by chero

It's so hard to let go with him pressuring me to come back "now or never."

chero,
If he is saying "now or never" to you, then he is literally screaming that he hasn't changed at all. That is nothing more than trying to control you, and control is a landmark of abuse. Please be careful!

[Melanchonika]

to answer one question, on the 'outside' it isnt the same to request he go to church with you.....as if he asks you to accompany him to a bar......but IMO, the interior motivation IS the same. essentially, we are saying 'do it MY way'. again, this is just what has been revealed to me, after a long rollercoaster.

also, another strong opinion of mine.....church isnt God. God heals, but church doesnt. in my case, church has often scarred me worse, as many there do not get the principles of healthy living. in many cases, and in my case, they have actually perpetuated situations and abuses by encouraging women to stay in abusive situations. i have found, again-my experience only-that they are ill-informed about addiction, and the person with the addiction is often able to snow the pastor, the christian counselor,etc.

the fact that it hurts you that he doesnt attend church, really isnt his issue, its yours. i hated learning this. i do validate your feeling though. it IS hurtful, lonely, confusing, and even embarrassing when they dont go.....i loathed it. i had to go through good counseling to learn that even though i can have boundaries, i cant have expectations. boundaries are to protect ME.....expectations are sometimes trying to control the other-and i dont beleive anything really 'righteous, good, and TRUE" comes out of using an unrighteous way to get righteousness. i spent many years trying to do this. once i finally let go, it was such a HUGE grievous LOSS. finally i realized i couldnt get him to do anything.

while i dont think we can technically 'require' much of anybody, we can set boundaries for ourselves........such as saying you cant live with him if he isnt doing something about his recovery......i did once 'require' that my husband do something...it didnt have to be AA (though that was my hope) but it had to be something. i have also learned that an extensive follow-up is necessary, as as soon as they can they will test the waters to see what they can do. meaning, my H detested me reminding him what he said he was gonna do, and requiring him to follow through, or i was getting others involved (people we had agreed were fair game to notify if he was chronically backsliding......who would 'get in his face' so to speak and hold him accountable)....also i would have a plan set up to either leave or the others would tell him he had to leave....even though no one has a 'right' to tell another to leave their own home, sometimes a few men talking man to man to someone works.......moreso than a wife telling their husband...). my point is anyway that we do have a say in OUR recovery, and whether that is with or without them.

i know my opiniuons come off strong......i spent so many years in church as a saved christian......but it wasnt until i only got into al-anon and ACOA and good counseling (not biblical cousneling) that i got better. i could detach and not take it personally when my husband didnt agree to whatever. i know in general church is a good thing for you, but keep in mind different things work for different people, and truly God is found ihn healthy spirituality first......not really in church.....and there is healthy spirituality to be found under a myriad of conditions.