please pray for me.

[serina]

Please pray for me. I'm still struggling so much with FEAR, anxiety, depression, shame, lonliness. I have an appt. to see the doctor on wednesday.

i went to celebrate recovery. i am desperately trying to make some connections. i have no "friends" in my life right now aside from you all. I have my parents and brother. my mom is the only one i really confide in and i can't talk to her about everything. i just clam up for some reason. i know my sadness is hurting her.

i don't know what to do. the anxiety is worse at night. i feel sooo alone. i ran into a friend from high school last night that i haven't seen in years with her husband and 2 babies and it just hit me in the face how my friends seem to have moved on married, had children, lives. she asked me what i was up to and i felt so sad. meanwhile my behaviors have led me to a solitary life. i had a short marriage that ended b/c of his addictions. now i am mid-30's and single...in my area that is old to be single.

i wonder where i would find a christian man that would want someone with my past. sometimes i get so worked up that i feel in a state of panic that i'm going to be alone. i'm wondering if this is clinical depression and anxiety and that is why i am having trouble with these issues of feeling God in my life, forgiveness, hope, etc.

i am in desperate need to find a job and all i do is cry, pray, read my Bible, and piddle around the house. i have sent a few applications. my heart is not in this. i need to be studying for a test and have trouble focusing.

i don't think i've ever felt this hopeless even though i have been in worse shape physically with alcohol. how could i have wasted so many years and done so much damage to myself mentally, spiritually, and emotionally??

i think back on all the things i did and it just doesn't seem possible. i want God to use my life to help others that are hurting but i am still hurting and can't seem to find peace. i wish i had a support group here like all of you. i'm hoping to make friendships in CR but it is slow going since we meet once a week. there are 2 others that meet at churches on different nights and i am considering attending. i need to find a church to visit on sunday morning as well. i get hung up on not wanting to go by myself or there not being any singles my age.

i just don't know how much longer i can keep going with this state of fear that i will never find peace and joy in my life. i have prayed and cryed so much this week. please pray that God will take over in my life. is that what i should pray? i don't even know what to pray. i'm also afraid that i'm relying too much on my feelings...and they are a mess.

sorry for rambling on and on i just needed to get this out in some way tonight.

[cmc]

I'll say a prayer for you right now. I'm glad you are going to see a doctor. One of the best things to do is keep reading the Bible. Reading in Psalms helps me when I'm down as does listening to Christian music. I listen to Christian radio every day and it amazes me how the songs and messages will 'apply' to my life in just the right way.

[caileesnana]

I listen to Christian radio all day also. It keeps me centered!
prayers for you--it's never to late to start really living!susan

[chero]

Praying for you, Serina.

I've found comfort lately in reading 2 Samuel 22 and in the Psalms.

[angelgirl]

Hi serina

I am soo happy you are here. I am also happy that you have, and are making some really great moves in your life, like attending CR, and going to the doctor, also
thinking about a job. This is all really good for you.

I attend CR, and oh, I can tell you that although things still aren't easy for me, my life is so much better than it was a couple years ago, when I first started at CR, and got involved in some other things. I was just starting out too, and it was very hard. But I just kept on plugging away, and even when it was hard to go, and hard to talk, I did it, and I did other things that were hard too, I just kept on trying to push myself, in things like the church, where I knew I was safe. What I did when I was looking for a church, was I started to attend the church that put on CR. It was a great match for me. Maybe that would be for you too? You could ask the leaders at your group about the church that runs the meetings.

I also suffer from anxiety. It's a really tough thing to go through. I do come here for support, and I also have friends that I met through CR. It does take some time, but you will see that once you allow yourself to open up and make those friends, they will be there waiting for you. That's how it worked for me. I just needed to learn to trust others. That was a big one for me. But when I did open up, oh, it was so worth it.

I hope you keep coming here and opening up,. It's great practice for when you get around your group. I also hope you continue at CR, it's truly a great group. I have learned alot there, and gained alot of support. I would check into a church too, as soon as you are comfortable enough, church is such a great way to meet people, and to worship, and the service always makes me feel so good.

I will be praying for you,,
Love,
Becky

[rozied]

Hi Serina,
You are in my prayers,
Love,
Diane

[lostmdboy]

Serina, Just remember He has a plan.

[rayofsunshine]

Praying for you Serina. God has given you another chance and has forgiven your past. He will see you through. He even guides the doctors. Prayers that the doctor can help you on Wednesday.

[best]

Originally Posted by serina

Please pray for me.
Yes I will

i wonder where i would find a christian man that would want someone with my past.
Jesus wants you just as you are.

i'm also afraid that i'm relying too much on my feelings...and they are a mess.
Then try to rely on your understandings. Jesus is in control and loves you.

It is good that you are checking with a Dr.
What I see in your post is a lot of self doubt and maybe some blame? Some things are beyond our control so don't pick such things up and blame self.
Leave your worries at the feet of Jesus. He will carry them for you.

[emmer]

i was in my mid 30,s ... divorced... and then i found someone who wanted me for me
I have a troubled past with a long history of mental illness and drug abuse ,suicide attemps (one) very serious. ..almost died.
anyhow here i am (still with issues) but 13 years happily married. there is a Christian man out there for you, hon.

[serina]

thank all of you so much. i pray things will turn around soon and i will see some light. i just have to remember i am taking action....prayer, CR group, the doctor, pushing myself to apply for jobs, did yard work today, seeing a counselor, exercise. all of you mean so much to me to have this support to say exactly what i am going through.

[angelgirl]

And we are so happy that you are here..



Love,
Becky

[emmer]

WOW !!! You go girl !!! You also rock!

[serina]

I'm seeing the doctor today for a physical and hope to get some help about the depression and anxiety symptoms. I went to a new Celebrate Recovery group last night and I left discouraged. I knew it was a larger group than the other one i went to. however, when we divided up the "chemical dependency" group was VERY small. I was the only single person in the group. there was a counselor there for observation - which i didn't like. there was the man leading it and 2 women - both married w/ children. i just didn't feel connected. i guess i had hoped to go there and make some connections. i was hoping to hear a testimony from someone that had recovered from alcohol drugs but the girl that spoke although she had struggling with some depression after a summer job fell through had lived a pretty good life. i know that is wrong to feel that way b/c to her it was painful.

i doubt i will go back to that group it was a longer drive for me as well. i'm probably just going to stick with the one on friday night. i want to find a church to go to on sundays too. i'll report later what i find at the doctor. please pray for me i don't like doctors or needles, etc.

[Cynay]

Prayers being sent up for you.

[serina]

the doctor put me on Cymbalta. she didn't get to do bloodwork b/c i had not been fasting so i go back next week for that. I went to the library and checked out a book by Beth Moore "Believing God". i am going to the beach friday thru monday so i can read, rest, and walk. hopefully i will be feeling better soon. my goal when i get back is to find a church to go to on sundays, take my exam, find a job.