I need some support, desperate for change

[denodave]

We are all afraid of loss. I am especially going through that as I cannot seem to pull my marriage together after almost twenty years. She and I have both changed as the result of my substance abuse, and of course it is mostly my fault, but I have been in recovery for 7 years (not continuously sober, but almost always) and it is painfully clear that she will never get over her resentments and she will never wrap her mind around the fact that I just don't like her any more BECAUSE of the way she refuses to change for the better and then looks down on me because I have to work hard at staying clean and sober and learning a better way of life. I still love her as a wife and family member, but I can't stand to be around her half the time. Her negativity, nay-saying, and resentment-filled attitude have killed my ability to be friends with her.

Truthfully we have both allowed our spiritual lives to become weak and malnourished. Almost every effort I have ever made to encourage her and be a spiritual leader has ultimately met with resistance and, eventually, mockery, so I have given up trying to help her in this area. And to an extent I have given up on working at it for myself too, because I have become drained by her resistance. I have actually learned a lot about acceptance from AA (I think a lot on Jesus meeting the Samaritan woman at the well), and I have learned to accept that she simply has little interest in learning or following scripture (except when it's convenient to blame others for not following it). But my acceptance stops at the point where she continues to harbor anger and resentment for things that are long past and uses those things to push my hot-buttons. It really gets me fired up that she refuses (not "can't", but "WON'T") change in this respect. Forgiveness? She mouths it, but her later actions clearly point out she doesn't practice it. She has learned this sick behavior from her mother, but I suppose that's not relevant here.

But as sick as it sounds, the loss of that relationship (and even more so the fact that she will get primary custody of our little boy and I won't see him every day) makes my stomach churn. I can't help it, it makes me immensely sad that we have ended up here after all this time, sad to the point of despair. And I get very angry at myself and her for any number of reasons, especially because I can't help but feel there is more I should do. And then again when I make every possible human effort to do the right things, I either end up completely exhausted and resentful or I slip up somewhere, overreact or react badly, and she gloms onto it like a life preserver in the ocean and won't let go of the problem.

I am trying so hard to understand God's will for me now, but my sadness and frustration take over and really interfere with my ability to hear HIM. God, I am desperate for a solution...I am trying so badly to love her and not hate her...all I want is a wife who acts like a relatively normal person who looks for solutions instead of living in the problem.

Please, anyone who is reading, please offer some word of hope or a prayer for us.

[chero]

Denodave, Your words broke my heart. I'm afraid of becoming like your wife. I can't justify her actions but I can understand them. During times when my AH was 'sober' I found myself hating him more and lashing out at him for all the times when he was drunk and I couldn't lash out. No arguing with an alcoholic. But, in some sick way I wanted to punish him for how horrible our lives were.

What has helped me is realizing my behavior and getting counselling and going to Alanon. Have either of you consider counselling with your pastor? Individually or together? Sometimes a third party can help.

I'll be praying for you and your wife. It's a terrible situation and it sounds like you are both in alot of pain. Hurting people hurt people.

[Grasshopper]

Hi and welcome!!!!
If your going to AA,the BB,addresses this very issue.Please read the family afterwards.And the story about MAX,will be helpful.
It takes time to heal.Everyone does it,in God,s time,when willing,not our time.Keep praying for her,and all those who have been harmed.My prayers for you both,
God Bless,

[duet_4-8]

Hi and welcome to SR,

I'm sorry that you are going through this pain. I was married to an addict for 25 years; we have three boys together. All four of us were badly hurt by his choices and the consequences of those choices for many years; I'm sure he was hurting as well. The major difference is that I and my children went through all those years cold sober and he didn't. Our memories and his memory of those years are entirely different.

I became like your wife, except that my ex never embraced recovery at all. He would white-knuckle it and stay sober for a few months at a time but he always went back and it was always my fault (so he said). He never even admitted his drug use was a problem, so our situations are different in that respect.

I have no idea of your history together or of how long or how serious the drug use was. In my marriage, there were years upon years of memories of hurt, infidelity, and abuse. It almost destroyed not only me but my children. In the end, the only choice I saw to save us was to let him go. I don't know if it would have made much difference if he had been in recovery. The trust was gone and I truly doubt it would have ever returned, at least to the extent to allow the marriage to survive.

You sound like a very sane and reasonable man that is trying very hard to do the right things and your wife sounds like a woman who is in a lot of pain. Unfortunately I can relate to that pain; even when my ex tried to be a good husband I resented him because it seemed way too easy for him to just shrug off the pain I was in and the things that he had done and insist that I be a good Christian wife and just forgive him.

I don't mean to be negative, just honest. Please don't be offended. Some others will be along to offer advice from different perspectives. There are several members here who have successfully navigated these problems and saved their relationships.

I will pray for you both.

[caileesnana]

No advise, just thoughts and prayers.
susan

[cmc]

Welcome to Christians In Recovery.

Hello Dave,
I'm glad you chose to share with us about your family problems. I believe that there is always hope when we seek Him and choose to follow His path.

I need some support, desperate for change

I have learned that the only thing I can change is myself. What others choose to do is up to them. In Alanon, I learned about the 3 C's of addiction, that I did not Cause it, can not Cure it and can't Control it. There is a fourth 'C' for I can Contribute.
I can contribute to a better solution or contribute to making things worse.

I want is a wife who acts like a relatively normal person who looks for solutions instead of living in the problem.

Dave, maybe she _is_ living in the problem. What can you do to change that?
Resentments, love, forgiveness are things that I take care of in obedience to God and to follow a program for myself.

After reading your post, it appears that you are expecting 7 years of not always sober...recovery to undo 20 years of past hurts. I've been married over 33 years and it has been my experience that hurts can be healed with time, and _that_ 'time' takes time.
The way to show love to someone...is to show love consistently and wholeheartedly, not expecting anything in return. Re your spiritual life and being the leader in your home... as I said before, the only person I can change is me, and blaming others for my behavior is no excuse for choices I make.

God, I am desperate for a solution.

Maybe the starting place and time is here and now. You can work on yourself and your own recovery. You can learn to provide a loving, healthy atmosphere for your wife and son. You can have a good spiritual life. You can get some counseling, go to church, pray, read God's word and continue to come here and share with others who love the Lord and care about you and your family. I pray you will, and that your marraige and family can be saved.

I'm so glad that you came here and shared with us and that you have the desire to make things better for yourself and your family.

[splendra]

So stop trying and start doing. Love her focus on one thing you do like about her. It is not easy being the wife of a drug addict.

Maybe she is not seeing changes she had hoped for. Why don't you ask her about how things have changed since you have been clean. She may not see the same things you do.

Originally Posted by denodave

I get very angry at myself and her for any number of reasons, especially because I can't help but feel there is more I should do. And then again when I make every possible human effort to do the right things, I either end up completely exhausted and resentful or I slip up somewhere, overreact or react badly, and she gloms onto it like a life preserver in the ocean and won't let go of the problem.

Maybe your wife needs some support. Alalnon and Naranon could help her. Do any of the meeting you go to have an "anon" meeting at the same time? Have you ever invited her to a meeting that you go to? You might ask yourself if your behaviors have really changed all that much....getting angry hummmm maybe that reminds her of something in your using days.

Prayers going out.

[rayofsunshine]

I am the wife of an addict whos currently in prison. Our 19th anniversary is coming up. I can say I have a lot of anger and resentment towards my H for all that I have gone through living with an addict for 19 years. He's been through 3 rehabs and now prison. I held out hope each rehab that he would finally change. I was hurt each time he went back to using. Back to old using friends. Staying away from home lots of the time. Missing his children's school events, missing his son's football and baseball games. Never ever has he made time to go the yard and pass a ball with his son. Speaking from the point of view of the wife, I really think that
because of the many times of being let down, of doing without, of the kids doing without financially because of the drugs, I don't think our relationship will even have a chance without some type of counseling or meetings. Maybe your wife has been let down so many times that its hard to have hope and trust again. If she's willing,
maybe you attending an AA/NA meeting while she attends the -anon meeting would help heal the relationship in time. Maybe make a date out of it and include dinner out somewhere? I've also heard Celebrate Recovery is a good meeting to attend.