despair - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

serina · 05-19-2007, 03:24 PM

I'm feeling so alone. depression is overwhelming me. I have been praying and crying. I have prayed to God to forgive me and help me out of this "pit" but I still feel so depressed, alone, and scared. I am unemployed right now and it is really hard pursuing a job when I feel this way. I want to find a church where I could find support but I am so afraid to go on my own (I'm single) and I don't want to go by myself.

I spent years drinking heavily and being promiscuous. Now I have been dealing with so much guilt and trying to reconcile my past and why I have ended up alone. I feel like there is no place for me to fit in and wonder if there is any hope for ever getting out of this depression and anxiety. I have no one to talk to about this except I am seeing a counselor once a week. She told me I need to visit a church and she doesn't realize I have a terrible time just getting up and going to the store. I feel so heavy and break into a deep sob once a day.

Has anyone ever felt this way and how did you get out of this. please pray for me if you would.

cyberwolf · 05-19-2007, 04:09 PM

Sending you prayers...

You are not alone, you have the whole of SR and what a great place it is.

You say you drank heavy and been promiscuous, and you feel bad about that. Bet most people who post on SR regret something or other. I believe that you have to leave the past where it belongs IN THE PAST. Live for today, do as much as you can for you today, then when tomorrow comes repeat the process.

You can not change what has happened yesterday last week, last month last year 5 years ago 10 years ago etc etc, so IMO leve it there, behind you. I totally know the whole anxiety thing about going places alone (just read some of my posts) but you have to do something, anything to make you feel better....start by reading posts, reading a book, phoning a helpline something that doesnt mean you have to leave your comfort zone. Little step by little step you can do this. We can ALL do this together

Stay safe

gimmeid · 05-19-2007, 04:15 PM

Little by little is right. Might not like to hear this, but your probably feeling about like you should for what you have put yourself through. You have to walk through it. Turn around and it will get worse. What about AA? Outta be plenty of support available from womenfolk who've been there and made it through. Not many fresh sober drunks quite ready to appreciate or utilize what church has to offer, or recipocate, IMH(and generalized)O.

chero · 05-19-2007, 05:27 PM

Serina, Hugs and prayers to you! You aren't alone! There is hope! I'm praying that you find the strength you need. Read and read and read on SR! Open your Bible and read! There is encouragement to found!

I'll share with a passage that has helped me the last couple of days.
Isaiah 40:10-11 So don't worry, because I am with you. Don't be afraid because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you. I will support you with my right hand that saves you. All those people who are angry with you will be ashamed and disgraced. Those who are against you will disappear and be lost. vs. 13: I am the Lord your God who hold your right hand and I tell you, "Don't be afraid! I will help you!"

(((((SERINA))))))

caileesnana · 05-19-2007, 05:35 PM

Most times it is hardest to forgive ourselves! God has forgiven you and made a place for you. You CAN do this.
Blessings

rayofsunshine · 05-19-2007, 05:45 PM

Serina, we are all sinners... but the good news is God will forgive you your past. Just Admit you are a sinner, Believe that Jesus is Gods son and he died on the cross to save you from your sins and Confess your sins. Then pray for God's help in leading you to a church. I'm praying for strength and courage for you. There are also Christian recovery groups you may want to check out to see if available in your area... they are usually held at churches and this might lead you to a church that is right for you. The two I remember are Celebrate Recovery and Reformers unanimous.

caileesnana · 05-19-2007, 05:50 PM

Hi Serena,
Me again! I just thought of something else to say! "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God"--not just you! Plus, wasn't it Jesus who said of the woman at the well " those of you without sin cast the first stone."

I know I wouldn't be throwing a stone. "believe on the Lord Jesus Christ".

God will up lift you more than anyone or anything ever could. Trust in HIM!!

duet_4-8 · 05-19-2007, 06:13 PM

Hi Serena,
I know just how you feel; you are not alone and if you could know the stories of the people in most churches, you would see that yours probably isn't that different from a lot of them.

God's motivation for bringing the destructive parts of ourselves to the surface is so we will face them, cooperate with Him, and let Him heal them. Here are some scripture prayers for you:

See how distressed I am! I am in torment within, and in my heart I am disturbed, for I have been most rebellious. Outside the sword bereaves; inside, there is only death (Lam. 1:20). But I thank You that I can be assured You will never forsake one of Your children crying in agony over sin.

Lord God, lift me out of this slimy pit, out of the mud and mire. Set my feet on a rock and give me a firm place to stand. Put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to my God! Blessed is the one who makes the Lord his trust (PS. 40:2-4)

O Lord, have mercy on me. Heal me, for I have sinned against You (Pd 41:4).

Lord, help me not to fear, for You are with me; I need not be dismayed, for You are my God. You will strengthen me and help me. You will uphold me with Your righteous right hand (Isa. 41:10).

God's specialty is raising dead things to life and making the things that seem impossible to us, possible. If our minds could absorb that we are accepted by God in Christ, our choices and behaviors would be profoundly affected!

((((HUGS))))

confuzedinva · 05-19-2007, 06:57 PM

Serina,
My favorite part of church is the benediction where the pastor reminds us that Jesus is willing and able to present us FAULTLESS before God. Simply put, that means that when you are covered by the blood of Jesus, your sins are washed away-- God doesn't see them anymore. So if HE doesn't see them, why should you dwell on them? Jesus says that when you repent of your sins, He casts them away. You have lost too much time living in a way that goes against what God desires for you, but it seems to me that He is trying to call you closer to Him. You owe it to yourself and to Him to answer that call and to see what He has in store for you. Don't let fear keep you from receiving the gifts He has in store for you. I am a firm believer that if He leads you to it, He will see you through it. From a practical standpoint, it might help to find a casual worship experience. Something about jeans and sneakers seems to make everything and everyone a little more relaxed (for me anyway).

Prayin' for ya!
Confuzed

**best** · 05-19-2007, 09:27 PM

What I found as truth as the Lord showed me...

My "every" sin is forgiven. Yes even that one, the one I thought no one would ever forgive me for.
In our asking and repentance, we are forgiven for our every sin. Trust in God's word that He does what He says and in your asking the guilt will lift from your shoulders.

I do not like going into a new place (did not like) and was apprehensive on walking into a new church.
What I found inside was a welcome from many. Open arms. Acceptance. Love. friendship.
In your prayers ask the Lord to guide you to a proper church and also know that the Lord is with you and will open doors to a job that He has waiting for you.
With boldness of acceptance as you walk in for a job... know that if it is the job the Lord has for you...it is your's before you even find it.

serina · 05-20-2007, 07:44 AM

thank you all for your replies. I am reading them this morning and I will be back to read them again this evening.

Pol · 05-20-2007, 09:27 AM

Serena, you sound as though you are in exactly the same place as I was a while ago. The depression was killing me and I was desperate to find a Church, but I found going to one as a single woman too difficult. I pleaded and prayed constantly for help, but the one thing I didn't do was listen. It only sank in when someone said to me that I had to think of praying in terms of going to the doctors. I didn't go there, tell him all my problems and immediately say thankyou and walk out, I waited and listened to his replies. But with God I wasn't waiting and listening, I was constantly badgering Him, and the more noise I made, the less I heard, I had to sit still and listen.

I can assure you this wasn't easy as I wanted immediate relief, but I found that if I sat still for 30 seconds and listened peace began to come. These listenning periods increased, now I love my peaceful times, but it was like not drinking, take it 1 minute at a time if necessary.

Secondly, the pit of despair can be filled in with the Light of God. I was in a hole so dark I couldn't see round it, over it, through it or under it, it was just there, but I concentrated on a little light I saw in the distance, it was only a speck, but by concentrating on it it grew over time and eventually filled the hole that I filled with despair, depression and alcohol. When I pray or feel darkness creeping up I ask for the Light, and cling to that.

I hope this helps, I know where you're at, and I pray that you are given the Light and the peace. God is there, He's just in the corner of your eye waiting for you to look in His direction, and to feel His love.

God Bless.

Pol.

Pol · 05-20-2007, 09:31 AM

Sorry Serena, reading again what you said, I agree with those who say get in touch with AA if you haven't already. It was one of the better things I've done in my life, and it's helped me to come back to m,y God.
God Bless
Pol

GlassPrisoner · 05-20-2007, 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pol

Sorry Serena, reading again what you said, I agree with those who say get in touch with AA if you haven't already. It was one of the better things I've done in my life, and it's helped me to come back to m,y God.
God Bless
Pol

Yup, Church is good, but

Quote:

Not many fresh sober drunks quite ready to appreciate or utilize what church has to offer, or reciprocate, IMH(and generalized)O.

That. What you really need is another alcoholic that's "been there done that". Experience has shown that there is nothing better for an alcoholic than working with another alcoholic.

I've found the best way to deal with what you're feeling is through the 12 steps of AA. Which, are based on Christian beliefs (The Oxford Group). Everything you wrote about has been lifted/removed from me. I do not regret my past, I no longer experience anxiety, fear, or depression.

If you are religious you will find after some step work you can go back to your church and be an integral part once again.

serina · 05-20-2007, 04:29 PM

Here's what happened....I went to a treatment center 8 years ago. I went to AA for a couple of months afterwards. While in treatment center, I met someone and got married and had a brief, destructive marriage. I switched from AA to NA to go with him so I switched sponsors again. I didn't focus on my recovery but on this relationship and the turmoil. I never worked through the steps completely. For different reasons I had different sponsors. One sponsor was too busy and ended up dropping me. I changed one, etc.

After my divorce I moved to a different city and decided I wanted a fresh start and fresh life and didn't want to be labeled an alcoholic. I thought my problem was more depression to start anyway. So....for the next 5 years I stayed sober on my own. I didn't tell people I was an alcoholic but just that I chose not to drink. This doesn't do much for a social life or dating life! There's not much to do where I live (especially if you are single) if you don't go out drinking.

Over the last 5 years I have struggled off and on with depression and lonliness spending most of my time with family. I have visited churches and "singles groups" and never felt I fit in there. About a year ago I started dating someone and decided I would try drinking socially since I didn't want to tell him about my past. I was able to limit myself to 2 drinks and never get drunk. That relationship about 6 months ago and I have been increasingly lonely and depressed since then. I have drank socially on a couple occasions (dinner w/ girlfriends) while never having more than 2.

bottom line, now I feel I don't belong at church, or AA, or out with the bar crowd. If I did go back to AA would I have to pick up a white chip and start over since I did drink socially but not getting drunk? I know how they are with newcomers and 90 meetings in 90 days and calling your sponsor everyday. I just don't feel like I'm in that kind of place because I don't want to go out and drink like that. My mind tells me I'm not an alcoholic anyway since I stayed sober 5 years without AA and then was able to drink socially the past year. then I play devil's advocate and say but look at your past. I feel like I do need and want to work through my past with an understanding person that can relate. But do I need to go to AA and start over as a newcomer like that? see what a mess I can create.

the only outlet I have right now in way of support is the counselor I am seeing. we both agree that I need to reach out but I am stuck. I posted here because I thought someone might relate or have a similiar story or just help me see things clearly. thanks for reading this.

chero · 05-20-2007, 07:23 PM

Serina, I don't have any answers about AA for you. I'm praying someone will come along to shed some light.

But I did want to tell you I'm praying for YOU! I've been checking in to see how you are doing! Keep posting!

Hugs and Prayers, (((((SERINA)))))
Cheryl

**best** · 05-20-2007, 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by serina

... If I did go back to AA would I have to pick up a white chip and start over since I did drink socially but not getting drunk? I know how they are with newcomers and 90 meetings in 90 days and calling your sponsor everyday. I just don't feel like I'm in that kind of place ...

Sugestions... What AA lists is sugestions...chips, 90 in 90, daily calls and check ins.
Take what you "need" and leave the rest is also a sugestion.
AA is there as a guide and the tools are there as a helping hand.
No set rules... all things are sugestions.
I would sugest... go to meetings. Listen, look for a sponsor and then work through the 12 steps with the sponsor. Collect chips if you want...they are an encouragement tool, not a need.

rat · 05-25-2007, 03:02 AM

Yes, serina I've been there, too. It's a hard place to be in. I still go there sometimes.

I know what you mean about church. I had to find a church that would let me concentrate on being with God, instead of interacting with people.

I go to an eastern orthodox church sometime, it's great. The people are
not the compulsive, in your face, handshakers-and-greeter types you
see in other denominations. If you want to sit in the back of the church and be quiet, they let you alone. Thank God for that!

Pilgrim · 05-25-2007, 04:18 AM

Hi Serina

You have another friend here!

I was wondering why you went into treatment. What lead you there?

serina · 05-25-2007, 08:13 AM

Thanks Pilgrim. you asked how I went to treatment. My family intervened. they had NO idea that I drank at all as they greatly disapproved of alcohol. they found out by finding me very drunk by myself. I don't even remember exactly what was said. I did want help for my depression but wasn't at the time ready to give up drinking. I played around with going to meetings but didn't apply myself or get involved. I did however meet a guy and replace my obsession with obsessing over him. we married and then divorced after 2 years. I moved and stayed sober on my own for 5 years without meetings....just scared of going back to where I was and not wanting to disappoint family...fear...keeping others at a distance...hiding my past.

this past year I decided to try social drinking because I'm tired of being isolated socially, not going out, not dating. however, my depression hasn't lifted. its been off and on worse at times. i'm at a turning point just finishing graduate school and I think that has led to a lot of soul searching too...getting older....tired of depression and lonliness. The few friends I have now from school have no idea about my past drinking. I'm not in touch with anyone from the past years. I just don't know anymore who I am. i tried to go to a meeting yesterday just to listen and chickened out...I was terrified. I don't know why exactly.

Grasshopper · 05-25-2007, 09:21 AM

You are no longer all alone.Ive been in a similar place,where as i was so depressed that i was in the fetal position,never wanting to get up.,crying.I prayed,and took ---action---such as forcing myself to get up and go to meetings.prayers without works is---dead...
From my experience,although meetings were helpful,folks too were helpful but it was only through my relationship with God,that brought me out of my depression.,that brought me through and out of that deep dark place where i was at.Only God can heal,in that place,where no body can enter.From the BB,remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependant upon people..It-- IS--, dependent upon his relationship with God.
Be willing to go to all and any lenghts.Its hard,i know,but take action..
As your working the 12 steps if its AA you decided for recovery,no need now to worry about the past.The steps are in order for a reason.Once you get to steps 4-9,then you are ready to move onwards,with no more baggage from the past.Your past will become a tool to help others.
My prayers are with you.

Alive · 05-25-2007, 12:34 PM

Serina here's my bit of knowledge that you probably heard already. You can't change the past, right? so what can we do to ease the pain, make the future...Make your mistakes a learning experience and the guilt will fade. As soon as you liberate yourself from the guilt, you will be ready to fly and do anything!God knows more than we about our sins, he will never leave you.Starting over means learning with the past, don't let it prevent you of having a future....

take care, i am shedding the guilt!it took a month of digging to learn physically i can't do nothing about what it's done, but if i do what i should now, it will be ok.i am sure!

PurpleReign · 05-25-2007, 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by serina

I'm feeling so alone. depression is overwhelming me. I have been praying and crying. I have prayed to God to forgive me and help me out of this "pit" but I still feel so depressed, alone, and scared. I am unemployed right now and it is really hard pursuing a job when I feel this way. I want to find a church where I could find support but I am so afraid to go on my own (I'm single) and I don't want to go by myself.

I spent years drinking heavily and being promiscuous. Now I have been dealing with so much guilt and trying to reconcile my past and why I have ended up alone. I feel like there is no place for me to fit in and wonder if there is any hope for ever getting out of this depression and anxiety. I have no one to talk to about this exce

05-19-2007, 03:24 PM	#1 (permalink)
serina Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: my own little world Posts: 98	despair I'm feeling so alone. depression is overwhelming me. I have been praying and crying. I have prayed to God to forgive me and help me out of this "pit" but I still feel so depressed, alone, and scared. I am unemployed right now and it is really hard pursuing a job when I feel this way. I want to find a church where I could find support but I am so afraid to go on my own (I'm single) and I don't want to go by myself. I spent years drinking heavily and being promiscuous. Now I have been dealing with so much guilt and trying to reconcile my past and why I have ended up alone. I feel like there is no place for me to fit in and wonder if there is any hope for ever getting out of this depression and anxiety. I have no one to talk to about this except I am seeing a counselor once a week. She told me I need to visit a church and she doesn't realize I have a terrible time just getting up and going to the store. I feel so heavy and break into a deep sob once a day. Has anyone ever felt this way and how did you get out of this. please pray for me if you would.

05-19-2007, 04:09 PM	#2 (permalink)
cyberwolf Determined Join Date: May 2007 Location: On the verge of insanity Posts: 330	Sending you prayers... You are not alone, you have the whole of SR and what a great place it is. You say you drank heavy and been promiscuous, and you feel bad about that. Bet most people who post on SR regret something or other. I believe that you have to leave the past where it belongs IN THE PAST. Live for today, do as much as you can for you today, then when tomorrow comes repeat the process. You can not change what has happened yesterday last week, last month last year 5 years ago 10 years ago etc etc, so IMO leve it there, behind you. I totally know the whole anxiety thing about going places alone (just read some of my posts) but you have to do something, anything to make you feel better....start by reading posts, reading a book, phoning a helpline something that doesnt mean you have to leave your comfort zone. Little step by little step you can do this. We can ALL do this together Stay safe __________________ Wolves are not our brothers; they are not our subordinates, either. They are another nation, caught up just like us in the complex web of time and life. H. Beston

05-19-2007, 06:13 PM	#8 (permalink)
duet_4-8 A work in progress.... Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains Posts: 949	Hi Serena, I know just how you feel; you are not alone and if you could know the stories of the people in most churches, you would see that yours probably isn't that different from a lot of them. God's motivation for bringing the destructive parts of ourselves to the surface is so we will face them, cooperate with Him, and let Him heal them. Here are some scripture prayers for you: See how distressed I am! I am in torment within, and in my heart I am disturbed, for I have been most rebellious. Outside the sword bereaves; inside, there is only death (Lam. 1:20). But I thank You that I can be assured You will never forsake one of Your children crying in agony over sin. Lord God, lift me out of this slimy pit, out of the mud and mire. Set my feet on a rock and give me a firm place to stand. Put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to my God! Blessed is the one who makes the Lord his trust (PS. 40:2-4) O Lord, have mercy on me. Heal me, for I have sinned against You (Pd 41:4). Lord, help me not to fear, for You are with me; I need not be dismayed, for You are my God. You will strengthen me and help me. You will uphold me with Your righteous right hand (Isa. 41:10). God's specialty is raising dead things to life and making the things that seem impossible to us, possible. If our minds could absorb that we are accepted by God in Christ, our choices and behaviors would be profoundly affected! ((((HUGS)))) __________________ Jen "The journey between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place."-Barbara Deangelis

05-19-2007, 09:27 PM	#10 (permalink)
best Don't get undies in a bunch Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: South Shore MA Posts: 7,184	What I found as truth as the Lord showed me... My "every" sin is forgiven. Yes even that one, the one I thought no one would ever forgive me for. In our asking and repentance, we are forgiven for our every sin. Trust in God's word that He does what He says and in your asking the guilt will lift from your shoulders. I do not like going into a new place (did not like) and was apprehensive on walking into a new church. What I found inside was a welcome from many. Open arms. Acceptance. Love. friendship. In your prayers ask the Lord to guide you to a proper church and also know that the Lord is with you and will open doors to a job that He has waiting for you. With boldness of acceptance as you walk in for a job... know that if it is the job the Lord has for you...it is your's before you even find it. __________________ * I asked God to spare me pain. God said "No", Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me. Recovery Related Acronym B. E. S. T. = Been Enjoying Sobriety Today?

05-25-2007, 03:02 AM	#18 (permalink)
rat rattus norvegicus Join Date: May 2007 Location: elsewhere Posts: 62	Yes, serina I've been there, too. It's a hard place to be in. I still go there sometimes. I know what you mean about church. I had to find a church that would let me concentrate on being with God, instead of interacting with people. I go to an eastern orthodox church sometime, it's great. The people are not the compulsive, in your face, handshakers-and-greeter types you see in other denominations. If you want to sit in the back of the church and be quiet, they let you alone. Thank God for that! __________________ " Most of the trouble in this world has been caused by folks who can't mind their own business, because they have no business of their own to mind, any more than a smallpox virus has." -William S. Burroughs

05-19-2007, 04:15 PM	#3 (permalink)
gimmeid AA Curmudgeon Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Arkansas Posts: 93	Little by little is right. Might not like to hear this, but your probably feeling about like you should for what you have put yourself through. You have to walk through it. Turn around and it will get worse. What about AA? Outta be plenty of support available from womenfolk who've been there and made it through. Not many fresh sober drunks quite ready to appreciate or utilize what church has to offer, or recipocate, IMH(and generalized)O.

05-19-2007, 05:27 PM	#4 (permalink)
chero full of hope Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 1,169	Serina, Hugs and prayers to you! You aren't alone! There is hope! I'm praying that you find the strength you need. Read and read and read on SR! Open your Bible and read! There is encouragement to found! I'll share with a passage that has helped me the last couple of days. Isaiah 40:10-11 So don't worry, because I am with you. Don't be afraid because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you. I will support you with my right hand that saves you. All those people who are angry with you will be ashamed and disgraced. Those who are against you will disappear and be lost. vs. 13: I am the Lord your God who hold your right hand and I tell you, "Don't be afraid! I will help you!" (((((SERINA))))))

05-19-2007, 05:35 PM	#5 (permalink)
caileesnana Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: dallas texas Posts: 1,595	Most times it is hardest to forgive ourselves! God has forgiven you and made a place for you. You CAN do this. Blessings

05-19-2007, 05:45 PM	#6 (permalink)
rayofsunshine Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach! Posts: 816	Serina, we are all sinners... but the good news is God will forgive you your past. Just Admit you are a sinner, Believe that Jesus is Gods son and he died on the cross to save you from your sins and Confess your sins. Then pray for God's help in leading you to a church. I'm praying for strength and courage for you. There are also Christian recovery groups you may want to check out to see if available in your area... they are usually held at churches and this might lead you to a church that is right for you. The two I remember are Celebrate Recovery and Reformers unanimous.

05-19-2007, 05:50 PM	#7 (permalink)
caileesnana Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: dallas texas Posts: 1,595	Hi Serena, Me again! I just thought of something else to say! "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God"--not just you! Plus, wasn't it Jesus who said of the woman at the well " those of you without sin cast the first stone." I know I wouldn't be throwing a stone. "believe on the Lord Jesus Christ". God will up lift you more than anyone or anything ever could. Trust in HIM!!

05-19-2007, 06:57 PM	#9 (permalink)
confuzedinva Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 19	Serina, My favorite part of church is the benediction where the pastor reminds us that Jesus is willing and able to present us FAULTLESS before God. Simply put, that means that when you are covered by the blood of Jesus, your sins are washed away-- God doesn't see them anymore. So if HE doesn't see them, why should you dwell on them? Jesus says that when you repent of your sins, He casts them away. You have lost too much time living in a way that goes against what God desires for you, but it seems to me that He is trying to call you closer to Him. You owe it to yourself and to Him to answer that call and to see what He has in store for you. Don't let fear keep you from receiving the gifts He has in store for you. I am a firm believer that if He leads you to it, He will see you through it. From a practical standpoint, it might help to find a casual worship experience. Something about jeans and sneakers seems to make everything and everyone a little more relaxed (for me anyway). Prayin' for ya! Confuzed

05-20-2007, 07:44 AM	#11 (permalink)
serina Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: my own little world Posts: 98	thank you all for your replies. I am reading them this morning and I will be back to read them again this evening.

05-20-2007, 09:27 AM	#12 (permalink)
Pol Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: England Posts: 40	Serena, you sound as though you are in exactly the same place as I was a while ago. The depression was killing me and I was desperate to find a Church, but I found going to one as a single woman too difficult. I pleaded and prayed constantly for help, but the one thing I didn't do was listen. It only sank in when someone said to me that I had to think of praying in terms of going to the doctors. I didn't go there, tell him all my problems and immediately say thankyou and walk out, I waited and listened to his replies. But with God I wasn't waiting and listening, I was constantly badgering Him, and the more noise I made, the less I heard, I had to sit still and listen. I can assure you this wasn't easy as I wanted immediate relief, but I found that if I sat still for 30 seconds and listened peace began to come. These listenning periods increased, now I love my peaceful times, but it was like not drinking, take it 1 minute at a time if necessary. Secondly, the pit of despair can be filled in with the Light of God. I was in a hole so dark I couldn't see round it, over it, through it or under it, it was just there, but I concentrated on a little light I saw in the distance, it was only a speck, but by concentrating on it it grew over time and eventually filled the hole that I filled with despair, depression and alcohol. When I pray or feel darkness creeping up I ask for the Light, and cling to that. I hope this helps, I know where you're at, and I pray that you are given the Light and the peace. God is there, He's just in the corner of your eye waiting for you to look in His direction, and to feel His love. God Bless. Pol.

05-20-2007, 09:31 AM	#13 (permalink)
Pol Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: England Posts: 40	Sorry Serena, reading again what you said, I agree with those who say get in touch with AA if you haven't already. It was one of the better things I've done in my life, and it's helped me to come back to m,y God. God Bless Pol

05-20-2007, 04:29 PM	#15 (permalink)
serina Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: my own little world Posts: 98	Here's what happened....I went to a treatment center 8 years ago. I went to AA for a couple of months afterwards. While in treatment center, I met someone and got married and had a brief, destructive marriage. I switched from AA to NA to go with him so I switched sponsors again. I didn't focus on my recovery but on this relationship and the turmoil. I never worked through the steps completely. For different reasons I had different sponsors. One sponsor was too busy and ended up dropping me. I changed one, etc. After my divorce I moved to a different city and decided I wanted a fresh start and fresh life and didn't want to be labeled an alcoholic. I thought my problem was more depression to start anyway. So....for the next 5 years I stayed sober on my own. I didn't tell people I was an alcoholic but just that I chose not to drink. This doesn't do much for a social life or dating life! There's not much to do where I live (especially if you are single) if you don't go out drinking. Over the last 5 years I have struggled off and on with depression and lonliness spending most of my time with family. I have visited churches and "singles groups" and never felt I fit in there. About a year ago I started dating someone and decided I would try drinking socially since I didn't want to tell him about my past. I was able to limit myself to 2 drinks and never get drunk. That relationship about 6 months ago and I have been increasingly lonely and depressed since then. I have drank socially on a couple occasions (dinner w/ girlfriends) while never having more than 2. bottom line, now I feel I don't belong at church, or AA, or out with the bar crowd. If I did go back to AA would I have to pick up a white chip and start over since I did drink socially but not getting drunk? I know how they are with newcomers and 90 meetings in 90 days and calling your sponsor everyday. I just don't feel like I'm in that kind of place because I don't want to go out and drink like that. My mind tells me I'm not an alcoholic anyway since I stayed sober 5 years without AA and then was able to drink socially the past year. then I play devil's advocate and say but look at your past. I feel like I do need and want to work through my past with an understanding person that can relate. But do I need to go to AA and start over as a newcomer like that? see what a mess I can create. the only outlet I have right now in way of support is the counselor I am seeing. we both agree that I need to reach out but I am stuck. I posted here because I thought someone might relate or have a similiar story or just help me see things clearly. thanks for reading this.

05-20-2007, 07:23 PM	#16 (permalink)
chero full of hope Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 1,169	Serina, I don't have any answers about AA for you. I'm praying someone will come along to shed some light. But I did want to tell you I'm praying for YOU! I've been checking in to see how you are doing! Keep posting! Hugs and Prayers, (((((SERINA))))) Cheryl

05-25-2007, 04:18 AM	#19 (permalink)
Pilgrim Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: New Zealand Posts: 1,541	Hi Serina You have another friend here! I was wondering why you went into treatment. What lead you there? __________________ ************************************ 3 August 2007

05-25-2007, 08:13 AM	#20 (permalink)
serina Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: my own little world Posts: 98	Thanks Pilgrim. you asked how I went to treatment. My family intervened. they had NO idea that I drank at all as they greatly disapproved of alcohol. they found out by finding me very drunk by myself. I don't even remember exactly what was said. I did want help for my depression but wasn't at the time ready to give up drinking. I played around with going to meetings but didn't apply myself or get involved. I did however meet a guy and replace my obsession with obsessing over him. we married and then divorced after 2 years. I moved and stayed sober on my own for 5 years without meetings....just scared of going back to where I was and not wanting to disappoint family...fear...keeping others at a distance...hiding my past. this past year I decided to try social drinking because I'm tired of being isolated socially, not going out, not dating. however, my depression hasn't lifted. its been off and on worse at times. i'm at a turning point just finishing graduate school and I think that has led to a lot of soul searching too...getting older....tired of depression and lonliness. The few friends I have now from school have no idea about my past drinking. I'm not in touch with anyone from the past years. I just don't know anymore who I am. i tried to go to a meeting yesterday just to listen and chickened out...I was terrified. I don't know why exactly.

05-25-2007, 09:21 AM	#21 (permalink)
Grasshopper Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Green,green grass of home Posts: 602	You are no longer all alone.Ive been in a similar place,where as i was so depressed that i was in the fetal position,never wanting to get up.,crying.I prayed,and took ---action---such as forcing myself to get up and go to meetings.prayers without works is---dead... From my experience,although meetings were helpful,folks too were helpful but it was only through my relationship with God,that brought me out of my depression.,that brought me through and out of that deep dark place where i was at.Only God can heal,in that place,where no body can enter.From the BB,remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependant upon people..It-- IS--, dependent upon his relationship with God. Be willing to go to all and any lenghts.Its hard,i know,but take action.. As your working the 12 steps if its AA you decided for recovery,no need now to worry about the past.The steps are in order for a reason.Once you get to steps 4-9,then you are ready to move onwards,with no more baggage from the past.Your past will become a tool to help others. My prayers are with you.

05-25-2007, 12:34 PM	#22 (permalink)
Alive believer Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Europe Posts: 2,394 Blog Entries: 1	Serina here's my bit of knowledge that you probably heard already. You can't change the past, right? so what can we do to ease the pain, make the future...Make your mistakes a learning experience and the guilt will fade. As soon as you liberate yourself from the guilt, you will be ready to fly and do anything!God knows more than we about our sins, he will never leave you.Starting over means learning with the past, don't let it prevent you of having a future.... take care, i am shedding the guilt!it took a month of digging to learn physically i can't do nothing about what it's done, but if i do what i should now, it will be ok.i am sure! __________________ the biggest power a being is given is the now. in the now there is will, choice and therefore a power with no boundaries; for what is born from pure love has no seasons, only continuity, then growth. your spirit will tell you the truth. there's a silence within the silence.