When is faith enough?

[confuzedinva]

Can someone help me reconcile my faith in all of this? My on-again off-again ABF says that he wants to stop using but wants to do it with God’s help—through prayer, attending church and changing his daily routine. He has done it once and was clean for over a year (when we met) and thinks that he can do it again, for good this time. I have asked him to also seek help through NA or some other earthly source. He says that if he can’t do it his way, he’ll seek help. I told him that until he was serious about getting help, we couldn’t be involved and that he should not contact me until he gets help. He questions the strength of my faith. I’m new to all of this, but I definitely believe that God can deliver him from all of this if He chooses to, but I also believe that my BF has a responsibility to do all that he can do to help himself. He has started to make some changes, he’s found a personal trainer who’s keeping him in the gym 3 times a week and running cross-country 2 times a week. Still, I think that while all of that’s positive, he needs meetings, counseling or something other than his faith. I don’t want to be a doubter and I don't believe that drugs are more powerful than God, but I want to be realistic. What do some of you who have had more experience with recovery think? What role should faith play in his recovery?

[best]

Through reading and bible studies he can gather then same growth and understandings that the 12 steps can gain a person. A daily walk with Jesus and striving to do things as Jesus would do them is the best way to recovery in my opinion.
Why I like the idea of AA or NA... they have the 12 steps listed in a neat row and ready for use daily.
There are also Christian based recovery programs as well and they use the 12 step formate.
Another benefit of such support groups... we can draw on the strengths, experiences, and hopes that others have found worked for them.
A man walking alone in a desert or a man walking with a friend by his side...
The one with the friend is better off for if he falls, he has a friend to help him up.
With Jesus alone, he can do it but if his faith starts to flounder, he would be wise to have a friend near to help him back on the path. A friend through bible studies, support groups and or a Christian mentor. A person who understands his struggles would be a good choice.

[cmc]

Welcome to SR and to the Christians In Recovery forum. I'm glad you posted here. You will also find some helpful information in the Friends and Family Forums here. You are always welcome to come and post in any forum you choose.

I learned in Alanon that what method of recovery my son chooses, or level of participation in it, are not my concern. What is my concern are the my boundaries/limits/ requirement and how the actions/choices of the other person...in how they affect ME.

I told him that until he was serious about getting help, we couldn’t be involved and that he should not contact me until he gets help. He questions the strength of my faith.

I will make two comments about this quote.
First of all you have set a boundary of no contact, which many of us here have had to do. A boundary is a good thing but becomes meaningless and even harmful if I do not hold fast to it.

In Alanon and other forums of anon recovery, I have been encouraged to only set a boundary that I am willing and able to back up. You can set the boundary anyway that you choose that works for you, but I question how you know so much about what he is doing if you have no contact. Please do not take offense as I am just trying to understand how you are doing things.

Secondly, his comments about your faith in God are imo meant to place blame on you- to shift if off of himself. This being a Christian forum I will have to choose a word to describe this that is proper. It's a bunch of...'baloney.' This is not about YOUR faith, but ALL about HIS actions. He wants to do it his way and that is his choice. All the things you recommended are excellent ways to find recovery but won't work if he isn't willing.

I used to try and 'check up' on my son's recovery and soon realized that I needed to leave him alone and concentrate on my own recovery in Alanon. A very wise person once told me not to try and 'work' a program for someone else. I never realized before that I was doing exactly that.

There is alot to learn about this disease and about the codependent side of it as well. I hope you will make yourself at home here on SR, read alot of posts and also the stickys on the forum pages. Here is a good sticky to read: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...eferences.html (12 steps and Biblical references)

I do believe that with God's help we all can recover. I also agree with your view that drugs are not more powerful than God. That is true and God has provided some very good means to achieve victory over addiction.

God bless you.

[confuzedinva]

CMC, Thank you for your post. Sounds like you've figured out that I haven't exactly been able to stay away from him and enforce the "no contact" rule that I set for myself. Part of the reason for that is that I guess I'm starting to think that maybe my way to recovery isn't necessarily his way or even the right way. And if he's serious and sincere in his recovery efforts, I want to be supportive of them and of him. At the same time, I don't want to be okey-doked into relationship where my partner has no serious intention to get well. When I was much younger, I broke off an engagement with a man who was suffering from depression. I didn't know what was going on with him and just thought that he was just being lazy and inconsiderate. It hurt later on to find out that he was suffering from an illness and I just left him instead of trying to help him. Guess I don't want to make the same mistake twice.

[cmc]

It hurts to watch someone go down a path that we think or know is not a good one, but the greatest thing that I can do for my son is to keep praying for him and then get out of God's way.

I have learned that I can change how I decide to act and sometimes how I feel by trusting the Lord, going to meetings and coming here to SR. I'm hoping that you will find that same peace and serenity that so many here have discovered.

Have you tried Alanon? It was a lifesaver for me and I also attended many, many open AA and NA meetings. The people who attend these meetings give me the strength I need and I have never once left a meeting feeling sorry I attended. It's a place where everyone understands and will share without judgements and share what we call ESH- Experience, Strength and Hope.

Another thing that I like about meetings are the slogans...here's one for you:

"Keep coming back, it works if you work it, so work it, you're worth it!"

be blessed,

cmc

[gimmeid]

None of our business to decide what God has in store for us, if he's earnest he'll find recovery wherever he's led. For me, it happens to be AA. If he's not earnest, he won't find recovery anywhere. I now know what it means to have 'tried' phsycology and religion, if I'm not earnest, AA will be something else I 'tried'.
Either way, are you going to go to any lengths to support him -IF- he is sincere, or are you going to set yourself up as some kinda prize if he does thing your way? If so, he'd probably be better of walking thru it alone relationshipwise anyway.

[duet_4-8]

Originally Posted by confuzedinva

says that he wants to stop using but wants to do it with God’s help—through prayer, attending church and changing his daily routine..........

He questions the strength of my faith.

Hi and welcome,

I would just encourage you to pray and seek God's guidance on this. I do believe that God is stronger than any addiction, but I also believe that many addicts use religion as one more tool in the manipulation arsenal. Don't just listen to his words, stand back and see if he follows through on it. If he is sincere, then he will do it with or without you.

The biggest lie I have ever believed is my EXAH's 'god talk': "I'm going to do what God wants me to do, you'll see" is a favorite of his. Problem is, the words and the actions don't match up. He can talk the talk and quote scripture with the best of them--it's the walking the walk part that gets him every time.

I bought into this twice and reconciled after seperating from EXAH; a few short weeks later I was kicking myself for believing him and allowing him to use my faith as a weapon.

We seperated again almost three months ago, and he is doing his 'god-talk' again. But this time, God has shown me repeatedly that he is not sincere. He may be sitting in church and reading the Bible, but then he turns right around and lies and manipulates just like before.

As for faith, I have complete faith in God. I just have none in my ex after all these years.....

Actions, not words. Not even 'god words'. Actions.

(((HUGS)))

[confuzedinva]

So I decided to seek an "expert's" opinion on all this. I'm just back from an appointment with my Pastor (pastor of the church that both ABF & I are members of). Did he offer any divine wisdom? Maybe, but I forgot it all once he shut the door to his office and offered to "hold me." Dumb, naive me was a little perplexed, but surely a man of the cloth wouldn't try to take advantage of a person in so much obvious pain, right? WRONG! With a shrug of my shoulders, I give him a suitable-for-my-pastor kind of hug, only to be drawn into an awkward too-close-for-comfort-almost groping embrace and hot breath on my ear. I cannot make this stuff up!!! This man is married with 3 kids and my pastor of 8 years. With a leader like this, no wonder the flock's doing drugs. . . So I guess I'm off to a Nanon meeting and to find a new church home. Thank God for this board-- I needed to tell this to someone. Thanks for listening.

[duet_4-8]

wow, confuzed! I am really sorry that happened to you. I have to agree, a new church is definitely in order here....