used to belive in god now.......

[THE KING]

I used to have a strong faith in god, but over the years there have been MANY MANY times where I felt he was screwing me over and not only that but I am starting to think that he is ENJOYING trying to make my life hard, like he or it whatever is up there has NOTHING BETTER TO DO THEN TO SCREW ME OVER

so what has made me feel this way?

well for those of you who have not read my story allow me to introduce myself

I am known here as "The king" but you can proabaly figiure that out by my username

it all started april 4 1987 that day I was born and for the first 6 years of my life I could not walk it took the REMOVAL,CLEANING AND REFUSING Of my ENTIRE SPINE (called a Dorsal rysotimy (I dont even know if I spelled that right) for me to be able to walk.you'd think that would be enough

NOPE IT WASNT

you see I had to go back 5 more times and learn to walk 5 more times before I was done and each time I had to be pumped FULL of drugs just to stop the pain for 4 hours at a time, sometimes needing more then one does cause they didnt give me enough the first time.

when I was 5 years old I had a seiuzer (sp) and for a while I could not talk,do you know what thats like to be 5 years old and KNOW something is very very wrong but NOT be able to tell anybody?

at the age of 9 I find out my dad has a drug problem, yet ANOTHER curveball as if I hadnt been through enough I got a dad who has been in and out of rehab and I dont know right now if he is alive or dead because I havent spoke with him sense febuary at which time he was clean

in 2000 my grandparents died of cancer, ok now I understand that it was their time, but why couldnt they die in their sleep? why the hell did they have to suffer? they were good people they didnt DESERVE to suffer Samdom, that SOB deserved to suffer, MY GRAANDPARENTS DID NOT BUT THEY DID.

did I mention that because of my back surgery, you know the one that finally got me walking which was #6 I believe I have times of SERVER BACK PAIN

how about the fact that my uncle died of aids when I was 6 bout the same time I learned to walk.

all of what I mentioned and more has happened BEFORE I turned 20 and it all has contributed to me thinking that whatever is up there is ENJOYING watching me fight for EVERYTHING I have, almost like he is trying to break me, seeing how long it takes before I FINALLY quit, give up become ready to lay down and die.

well thats just NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

iI did not post this cause I want your pitty cause thats the LAST thing I want I posted this cause I know I am not the only one who feels this way.

[chero]

Hey King, I am so sorry you are in such terrible pain....emotionally and physically!

I'll just tell you my first, honest, reaction when I read your thread.
I thought, "Wow! Look how much he has already endured in his life. There must be a lot of people out there waiting to hear what he has gone through. Waiting to know that someone else made it through all this! That they aren't alone and can do it, too!"

Maybe another five year old who doesn't understand what is happening to him or why?

I don't have an answer for you on why suffering happens. I'm sure someone will be along to answer this for you better than I can.

I just know God has a plan for your life.

I'm praying that you find the answers you seek!

[chero]

King, I've been thinking about you all morning. I don't understand or pretend to completely understand the things that happen in all our lives, but if something good can come from it, wouldn't you want that??

If you could help one person? If you could change one life? If you were the one person that made a difference to someone else in pain? Wouldn't you help them if you could?

I realized the other day that some advice I had received here at SR was the same advice that I received from by best friend years ago. I didn't listen to my friend because she has never lived with an alcoholic as I have and so her words didn't matter to me.

She hadn't walked this walk and so I couldn't accept her advice. But let someone who has been here and has walked the walk tell me and it becomes believable, attainable, doable!

Your suffering doesn't have to be in vain. Good can come from every situation!

(((((King)))))))

[chero]

Okay, I promise, this is the last time!

But if good can come from something soooo bad and terrible (as what has happened to you!) isn't that proof there is a God?

[best]

Joni Erickson Tada has some wonderful books she has writen.
I am sure that f you read her story and gather some of what she shares, you will find some answers.
http://www.joniandfriends.org/

[BigSis]

It seems that you've had these trials in your life for a very long time, but only recently lost your "belief" in God. Was there one thing that put you over the top?

iI did not post this cause I want your pitty cause thats the LAST thing I want I posted this cause I know I am not the only one who feels this way.

I would say that you are in the majority, not the minority in most places OTHER than this forum.

Did you want someone to convince you of God's presence? I can't do that... though I wish you the best.

[cmc]

King,

I've seen a few of my family members suffer greatly and many times come close to death, I've watched a few actually die and I have felt that anger at God because I truly believed that he could have changed things. I still do believe He could have but chose not to for reasons I don't understand.

I'm guessing your anger and questioning the nature of God is not much different. How can you compare one horror story with another? Pain is hard to measure and you surely have had more than most experience in a lifetime.

For me, I didn't feel He enjoyed my pain but I felt abandoned and lied to. I had misunderstood many of the scriptures and painted a rosy picture of life as I felt it should be that was very unrealistic.

I don't know the why's.... I do believe that God is good and when I was so at odds with that issue, it just took some time, prayer and inner healing to settle things in my mind, heart and spirit.

I'm guessing here, but think that God knows how you feel and before you can ever trust him- in case you never have before- you need to know who HE is first and if HE is worthy of your trust. I find help with that by reading the bible and learning about the nature of sin..not personal sin but the fallen nature of our world. This is a personal journey.

I was angry at God for over 2 years when my child became ill....she nearly died. Once I was somewhat over that and realized that God had saved her very life... another child was diagnosed with the same condition. I went through 'it' again but it was somewhat easier...then my husband was diagnosed with a debilitating condition...When will it end? When this world is done and we move on to the next- after the Lord returns all the suffering here will cease.

I've been present many times when my loved ones came very close to death...yet they survived, as you have. It's frustrating, frightening and heartbreaking. It took awhile but now I am thankful not for the illnesses, but that God spared them and kept them as safe as they were.

Why He did not heal or prevent it...I don't know. I do know that I can't become too angry at something or someone I don't already care for...it's always that way. We love and/or trust and then something happens to upset that...and we feel let down, hurt and angry. I'm praying for you to sort out all that your life has been about according to your faith.

I just never expected someone like myself, who loves the Lord...to experience the trials I have. I found that bad things do happen to good innocent people and sometimes good happens to those who we feel don't deserve it. My outcome is that I never lost my belief in God, I just had to alter what my belief 'about' Him was.

btw...I don't pity you at all, I admire your strength of spirit. I couldn't manage things on my own strength for very long, but eventually did come to a place of trust again and now (most of the time) I can rely on Him to see me through the hard times. Sometimes my emotions may get the best of me and I fail to see how He has made me strong by my experience. Truthfully, I am stronger and have more faith for whatever life brings me...yet I still hate the trials that come my way.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings and most of all for your honesty.

cmc

ps
If you are so inclined...take a look in the bible at the stories about Job and Joseph- these men knew a thing or two about suffering unjustly.

[Grasshopper]

Hi,you are correct,you are not the only one who thinks and feels this way.You remind me of myself,and when i first heard that i have cancer.After all the things that i had already been through,and now cancer.Folks had expectations of me,that i was surprised at.They wanted me to be the example.Be strong.be what they wanted and admired,in others who have my illness.Not me .I needed to go through a process,and it was a long one.I turned away from God,and my mind,spirit,was worse.I had arrived at heLL,plus.I came back to God,stronger than ever.And believe me,when i say that i will NEVER,leave Him again.I dont know the whys,or the wherefores,of why things happen.And today i dont focus on this,anymore.It was driving me nuts.Im sick.God is helping me.He is giving me peace,with my condition.I can do all things only through Christ,who loves me.Thats all i need to know..everyone who is on earth is going through something.I pray for us all.I know the power in prayer.
my prayers are with you,God Bless,and,may,the, peace of God be with you always.

[sayaprayer]

its not the way we would of liked it to happen but we dont call an adversity happy, our life is about being gratefull, we have all gone through things, its only when we get to the other side an look back that we comprehend the real danger we had faced, but thank God for he is always there guiding us, and protecting us. there is one thing that slips our minds when we reflect our past hurts, we have gained experence, and can offer another advice and true empathy, God has his own unique way for his unique children. we are all individuals no 2 lives are the same although there are simalarities, so you think God has it in for you, God loves us all, and that includes you. have a blessed day,

[miss communicat]

No-one wants to suffer , yet acceptance of pain is part of life.

We are all challenged to accept that anything that happens--no matter how painful--can be used for spiritual growth.

Acceptance is not the same as passive resignation or submission to the sorrows of life; it is the embracing of pain and suffering as friend and teacher.

Suffering and pain is a sign that we have encountered a limitation in ourselves. Stretch a muscle beyond the limits of its tissues, and we feel pain. Push the mind beyond what it perceives to be just and proper, and we experience suffering.

To find peace of mind , we need to accept and surrender to God's will. Taken with the right understanding, suffering can bring forth the effort to do so. It stimulates introspection and inspires humility.

[paulmh]

Pain is unavoidable. Suffering is optional.

[historyteach]

I hope you all don't mind me adding something here.

King, there's a great book from which you may benefit. It's called, When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Harold Kushner. I think it will help you sort out some things.

Shalom!

[Alive]

King.I can't measure pain, but i can see you've been through a lot.But i also see you wouldn't be here if you really didn't believe in God down deep.I feel that way sometimes. Once and a while i think, why the hell don't i go live on the streets and just do stupid things?Then i get back to myself and understand that who i am is too close to God, to in love with God, i need to believe to survive.Don't worry about the faith going away.If it's in you, it will come back.It's just a matter of the moment you're ready to have your faith back...Sometimes i cry thinking i am falling out of love with God.He will still love me if i don't love Him....Months ago i tried to win my fight without God.I never stopped believing but i said,God i need to do this alone. Well i am here 6 months after and i am still trying.Today i said to God, ok help me!I'm ready....