Hypocrite???

[chero]

I've started writing this thread three times already....

I can't seem to ask what I want to know and make it sound right!?!?!?

Okay, here is what I want to know...or ask or something...

I feel like such a hypocrite. I am a Christian. In fact, I'm the women's leader in my church and have been for years. But except for about 3 people nobody knows about my life with an A. They don't know I'm married to one or how absolutely awful it has been for me.

Everytime I stand in front of those ladies I'm consumed with this awful guilt because I'm telling them how wonderful they are and how great they are and there life can be all God says it can be and I believe that...for them.

I have a problem believing it for me. I'm scared to death someone will find out about my secret life and think how can she say all those things to us and ....

I don't live in the same town as my church so that's how it's been hidden all these years. 35 miles apart.

And it's not that they wouldn't understand or love me. It's me not being able to be real. It's been so long now and how do you say...oh, by the way, here's my life...???

Any thoughts???

[best]

What is a hypocrite?

One who says one thing but does another. Do as I say not as I do.
When a person runs across a situation that needs an answer, I do not need give my whole life's history... a simple... I understand... is enough.
We all have problems through life and as far as our church family goes we should share our burdens. You don't need tell the whole story. You could ask for prayer from them...
I have an unspoken prayer request... please pray for my (family, marriage, husband, self) The Holy Spirit shall guide you and may draw someone to your side that could be a support. I am part of the ministry team at my church and I am the only Christian in my household. From what I deal with in my situation, I can help others through my own experiences. Do as I have done and this could be your results... that is not the same as telling another ...do as I say not as I do. Some changes take time. You and I are both in that season... the waiting on God for changes to happen. As I wait, the Lord is helping me grow. Maybe it is my growth that will bring the changes in others.
God is in control. He knows what is what in our families. We don't need share every detail with the world. Sharing our need for prayer would be a good thing though.
Prayers are with you.

[IO Storm]

I wished I had shared.....

I left my A husband and told no one at church or in my family.

Too much guilt over sexual and emotional abuse.

He "got saved" the next day and began attending my

church that nite but continued to harrass me sexually by phone

calls..at work, at my apartment...even my own parents took his side

for awhile....

I stayed away from church...everyone there knew his story but

not mine.

Today very few know what really happened to make me finally

leave and not look back. I felt betrayed and abandoned...

some girls from work kept seeing me cry at my desk...

I went to a happy hour at a restaurant...black out drunk..

and the start of my drinking career at age 34.

Chero...please take Best's advice...

"You don't need tell the whole story. You could ask for prayer from them...
I have an unspoken prayer request... please pray for my (family, marriage, husband, self) The Holy Spirit shall guide you and may draw someone to your side that could be a support."


Love you my new friend..



Sherry

[chero]

Thanks guys! I think I've been afraid to tell because of the shame I feel for staying and also the love I still have for AH. I don't want people to think bad of him even after the horrors he has put me through.

I think I've always thought when he does get saved I don't want people to remember that side of him.

I can ask for prayer....it's so funny what an easy thought that is and never did occur to me....

Thank you!! Cheryl

[best]

Originally Posted by chero

I think I've been afraid to tell because of the shame I feel for staying ...

I understand the feelings and why you have such but if I may point something out here...
Staying should never be a point of reference that brings shame. The bible is filled with verses that tell how Godly an act it is to stay.
From what I see of life... those that stay show so much courage, faith and strength and should never be ashamed that they do so.
Setting boundaries and showing him respect by letting him deal with his issues as you let go and let God handle his heart as you stay is following God's word to the "T".
If a person is in harms way... leaving is a smart thing to do and is a form of a boundary that some need use. Staying is a choice and should never be a point of shame.

[rayofsunshine]

Praying for you Chero. I know the feelings of guilt. Sometimes, I feel shameful for staying with my AH so long. (Married almost 19 yrs, he's used most of them and gotten progressively worse over the yrs.) I didn't understand addiction then like I do now. I'm learning and growing and when I start to feel shameful and feel like I'm judged for AH's actions, I just have to remember the 3 C's of addiction:
1. I didn't cause it
2. I can't cure it
3. I can't control it

God is in control always!

[cmc]

chero,
I've been in Christian ministry of one type or another for many years and still do not tell everyone 'in church' some of my personal problems. I have learned to be very careful about what things I share and who I share them with.

There many wonderful folks who will understand, but when I am in a crisis and in need for understanding is not the time 'for me' to test the waters. Many people who know me- family members included, do not know about my son's addiction, and I plan to keep it that way primarily for myself and also to respect my son's privacy. That's what has worked for me, as long as I don't isolate and bear the burden alone. I find that oftentimes I need face to face meetings, just for the purpose of having real people who will understand and keep things private.

Many times I don't share because of embarrassment and/or shame and those are feelings that as Christians we don't need to listen to. Christ has set us free and the sins of another have no bearing on us. If my own sins are forgiven...why would I allow myself to take on the burdens that belong to another person? I know that I've done that many times and my recovery has been all about letting that negativity go.

I agree with what has been said before about unspoken needs. You can share what you are comfortable with, when you are comfortable and God knows the need anyway!

I pray for God's grace to cover you and your husband, that your home will be filled with the Lord's goodness and that He will bless your home with healing and recovery.

[IO Storm]

I left after 18 years of marriage...even went to co-therapy

separate sessions...our therapist told me my feelings were dead.

And advised the continued separation due to my husband's

erratic behavior and obsession of sex with me.

You say you have love for yours. Then pray girl...I'll pray with

you. If there is still love..that alone is telling you something.

There is a song that says.....

I love you with the love of my Lord
I love you with the love of my Lord
And I see in you
The glory of my King
Yes I love you with the love of my Lord

Love him with Christ's love Chero....and detach in love from

his addiction and addictive behaviors.

Love,

:

Sherry

(Where there is love..there is hope)

[BigSis]

One of the things I love about the church I attend is that I know so many folks in that fellowship. They aren't perfect, they haven't lived perfect lives, they tell me about God's love and forgiveness and I KNOW they are speaking the truth... because some of them have shared with me when their lives have not gone as we might expect.

If more had shown me the facade of a perfect life... I probably would have been turned off and left long ago. Those sort of "perfect church people" just don't fit my view of the world.

We all struggle...some more than others. That is what my faith is FOR... so that I can get through the difficult times with hope and sanity.

This fellowship knows me... and loves me anyway. THAT is what draws me to them.

The advice above me is good. And you can add my prayers to the mix, Chero. ((((hugs))))