my story

[serina]

I posted something here yesterday about guilt over past but wanted to say more about my story. I grew up in a Christian home w/ good parents and going to church. I also went to “Christian” schools. The problem was the schools I attended were so legalistic that by the time I was in 5th or 6th grade I was already becoming rebellious towards “religion”. We had rules for everything and the school was very judgmental. They also instilled a sense of fear. I was always afraid I wasn’t really saved even though I had prayed as a child. so I was always praying that I would be saved but never felt peaceful. I think I unconsciously associated God w/ this form of legalism. I grew cold to anything religious.

By the time I was in high school I was having sex with my boyfriend even though I was taught this was wrong. I felt guilty over it but just repressed those feelings. By college I started partying and drinking heavily. I felt a lot of anxiety and guilt over this lifestyle and spent a lot of energy keeping it from my parents. I did many things during this time that I deeply regret. I had many boyfriends, one night stands, but no meaningful relationships. I had such low self-esteem at this point plus with drinking I didn’t think much of sleeping with whoever I was dating. this continued for years. it took a lot of emotional energy to drink and maintain school and later a job and keep up appearances.

Occasionally I would visit a church but just felt out of place. By the time I was in my mid-20’s I was so depressed and really a mess. my family discovered I was drinking heavily and I went into treatment. I tried AA for a while but didn’t stick with it. I ended up staying sober on my own for about 5 years but have been very depressed. I’ve been off and on anti-depressants without much success. I have really desired to have a relationship with God and become involved in a church. I’ve visited many churches but just feel guilty and like no one would understand my past. I also still feel some of the same resistance from my younger years and the fear and legalism. Now I feel alone, isolated, depressed, and anxious. it’s really hard to find anyone I can talk to that would understand my past and feelings.

Over the past year I have been drinking socially but never have more than 2 drinks. I think all the drinking was to mask my anxiety and depression and guilt. I have no desire to go back to that lifestyle. however, I’ve found that when I didn’t drink AT ALL I had no social life whatsoever. I just don’t know where to go from here. Can anyone relate to all this?

[sugarssweetpea]

Hey Serina,

I can totally understand where you are coming from. My past includes much sexual activity before marriage, drinking & drug use. I have not found one judgemental eye in the church I currently am a member of. If there is one, I will kindly remind them of the Bible verse which talks about removing the plank from your own eye before trying to remove the speck in someone else's. Everybody has a past of some sort or another. Some just have more for Satan to try to use against them than others. I only know a handful ( I really don't even think that many) people who did not ever stray off of God's path for them. Most people have strayed, but the beauty of it is, God will use it to HIS glory. He will use your story to help someone else. Also, you are forgiven by the blood of Jesus Christ. If you have sincerely prayed and asked Him to come into your heart, I believe He is there. I do not think you would have felt the feelings of anxiety & guilt over that lifestyle if He was not in your heart. I believe it was the conviction of the Holy Sprit living inside you. I would continue to try out new Bible believing churches. I would also recommend Celebrate Recovery. I have heard a lot of good things about that program. Please know that you are not alone & I personally have gotten nothing but support from EVERYBODY on this forum. Everyone here is wonderful & I am grateful for them all, including you.

Jesus loves you and so do I.

[best]

As I was reading my bible, I came across Paul's words where he says that he is the greatest sinner of all. My thoughts.... Oh you think so Paul? Wanna see my list? Paul was speaking from a point of...he should have known better. Much of my sin was done out of ignorance and the fact that we are born with a sin nature... and then there were the sins of out right rebelious behavior as well.

As long as my list was. As deep I had fallen into sin...
Jesus forgave me and changed my heart. We serve a loving God.

Your every sin is forgiven with the asking and will be removed and placed as far as east is from the west and as deep as the deepest sea.

[Over_It]

Hi Serina,
My past is similar to yours in that I was raised in a Christian home, went to Christian schools and partook in a "worldly" lifestyle anyway. Jesus forgives. My church is similar to Sugarsweetpea's I think. I had to find one that preached straight out of the Bible, and getting involved with a small group and/or service was really what made it "home" for me - before that I was just visiting regularly.

If there's a Celebrate Recovery group somewhere near you that may be good - really not a lot of judging going on there since they've all "BTDT."