Newbie here, not so newbie problem

[mettle]

Hello, I'm a net surfer but I have not found this site until tonight. Maybe it's a sign or at least something to give me hope.

I've been married to my AH for 10 yrs and we have 2 children under the age of 5. My husband promised me that he would stop drinking. That was 9 yrs ago. Though he has significantly decreased in drinking since he completed a rigorous graduate school program, he continues to have bursts of drinking when there's a lot of stress at work.

I can tell when he is about to drink and I get extremely anxious. I have prayed and prayed about my reactions to his drinking because at least I can control myself if not him. Sometimes, I'm successful and I don't get anxious and extremely angry and other times, I lash out and threaten to leave him.

I am concerned from reading some of the posts on this site where spouses stayed with their husbands for 20, 30 yrs. I honestly can't see myself survive in 10 yrs. I feel tired having to deal with my husband lying to me that he's not going to drink anymore, or give me affection or things after he has bought alcohol, or seeing him get in the car after drinking from home to get more alcohol.

I just feel defeated in my Christian walk and my kids are growing up seeing us fight about alcohol. My son is four and is starting to have behavioral problems. I think probably from our fighting. Though We have tried to limit it now in front of the kids, I think he can still sense the tension.

It's with this history that I am now contemplating divorce or maybe separation if he decides to take active steps to recovery.

What a choice: Keep the kids away from an alcoholic influence and keep myself sane VS divorce and my kids grow up without a father at home.

I hope to glean from your experiences and insights.

[best]

Welcome to SR
You will find a lot of support and info here.

I lash out and threaten to leave him.

Threats don't work to do anything but get you both angry.

Boundaries are rules you set up that keep your space at peace and your self and the children safe. If you set a boundary, you need hold it.
An example... I will not be in the same room when he is drunk. So yu set the boundary and if it happens, you ask him to leave the room or you leave the room. Boundaries are not controls for him, they are things you do to keep your space at peace for you.

Al Anon is a great source of info and support. You may want to look into finding meetings in your area. There are also Christian based support programs you may find as helpful.

[mettle]

I tried the establishing boundaries, but our home is so small. He keeps going into my room or my kid's room and talk and talk and talk until I'm so irritated.

I tried Al-Anon when my eldest son was just an infant. The meetings were sometimes helpful and sometimes not. It was just difficult finding childcare to maintain going. I had hoped to attend Al-Anon online so at least I can attend regulary.

I also did try to physically leave...one night, we stayed in a local hotel. Before I had kids, I used to fly back to my hometown and be with my parents and His father. Can't really leave with kids nows.

[best]

Two books that may help you find some answers...

Love Must Be Tough (Paperback)
New Hope for Marriages in Crisis
by Dr. James C. Dobson
and
Codependent No More
by Melody Beattie

Betwen the two of them I am sure you will find many helpful answers.