need help/advice with husband

[agape]

Hi all,

I'm not sure this is the right place to post this, but I saw the Christian forum here on the website and really wanted some Christian feedback, so here I am.

This requires some background, so please bear with me. I've been dealing with a situation with my husband for a couple years now. He and I have always been very close - the best of friends, been married 12 years with 3 kids. He was also always very close to his mom, great lady, passed away suddenly of a massive stroke 3 yrs ago and it hit him extremely hard. After several months of refusing to feel anything openly (if he even mentioned her he would break down and so as quickly as possible, would regain his composure and back totally away from it), his grief began to manifest itself in angry outbursts, uncontrolled reactions to things (this from the most loving, doting man I've ever known, so don't get me wrong - he didn't become abusive, just extreme in his displays of anger). This got worse over a period of six months or so to where I was telling him something is wrong, you need to go talk to someone. This eventually culminated in several anxiety attacks, blinding headaches, trips to the dr, blood pressure skyrocketed, was put on meds for BP and anxiety - another six months of roller coaster attempts to regulate the physical, and an admission that he'd been purging occasionally for a decent while too, which really threw me because I had absolutely no idea at all. For that he saw a Christian counsellor - a whole two times.

During this time, alcohol became an issue. More background - he came from a "drinking" family, where his dad would come home from work and mix a drink before dinner. Both of his brothers have always been beer drinkers, so I didn't really make too much of the fact that he would have a beer or two at night. Even when we got ourselves straightened out spiritually (we were both raised in Christian homes - his a much more liberal one than mine!), the beer or two at night continued.

(In fact there were two or so years there recently when I developed a real taste for wine and it was only by the grace of God that I've pulled back from it - our pastor has often said that "sin will take you farther than you ever intended to go, make you stay longer than you ever intended to stay, and cost far more than you ever intended to pay" - isn't that the truth! At this point looking back, I do believe in that, in the spirit of Rom 8:28, God has used my problem to keep me humble and give me empathetic perspective while dealing with my husband's...anyway, I digress.)

So despite my occasional misgivings and his telling me it was no big deal, the moderate beer drinking has been maintained throughout our marriage. Then the bourbon started, and it was done in secret - I would notice a slight slur (my discernment is razor sharp and he is completely transparent - not a good combination for successful deceit!) and start to question him, or I would come across a half empty bottle of bourbon here and there. This has continued now for probably close to two years, with a "bottle find" about every 6 weeks.

Each time was initially met with heartfelt apologies and remorse and promises, only with backtracking the next day about how it is no big deal to lie to your wife on a regular basis by hiding bourbon, saying you'll never do it again, and then starting the cycle all over. The ironic thing is, when the bourbon hiding first started, I would tell him to just buy it and drink it outright - if he was going to do it I would much rather he do it openly...but he always hid it anyway.

Of course now there is no trust between us, and we are struggling a bit, although I must say that we are remarkably ok considering the circumstances. Lots of prayer for patience and seeking God's guidance, that's for sure. I've told him that if I had a friend who lied to me as much as he has to me over this, that I wouldn't be friends with that person anymore.

I've also told him that there are only two ways to look at it - either he can't help himself, or he can. If he can't help but buy the bourbon, then there is a problem. On the other hand, if he is willfully choosing to destroy our marriage, then he has a problem. Either way, he has a problem! Needless to say, he doesn't like my logic.

He can't bring himself to admit that there is a problem, which of course is no surprise. And his main argument is that he doesn't ever get drunk, only has a couple drinks a day etc. But things are turning a little more south I think - a week ago I went to church while he stayed home with a sick kid, something he doesn't like to do because he helps out in a SS class, but I had to sing in the choir and help with childrens church. Anyway, the next day I found a large beer bottle (probably twenty oz or so - local brewery, long story) and asked him about it. After some squirming he admitted that he had drunk it while I was at church because he "didn't feel good" and actually suggested that if I had stayed home instead of him, it wouldn't have happened.

That prompted the usual grudging promises to "find a meeting" - which up to that point I think he would only say to put me off, and if he ever really had to go, he would only do it so he could prove to himself and me that he doesn't have a problem. Then this morning, during a completely innocuous conversation with my kids, I was told that he had left them in the car to eat McDonalds last Saturday (I was on my way home from my parents in PA at the time) while he went into a store, then shortly came out with a small paper bag. When I called him and asked him what it was all about, he denied it profusely for several minutes, then actually admitted to having a bottle in his trunk, with crying and begging me not to leave him. He came home, gave me the bottle (which was half empty) and the subsequent conversation revealed that he had had some of it Sat afternoon, as well as when he went out to the store Sun afternoon - both times in the middle of the day.

At this point I am not relying on him and did my own searches today to find him someplace to go - looking for a Christian group etc with a local meeting for him to attend, and he is for the first time saying that he needs to do it too. Maybe he really was afraid for the very first time that I would in fact pack up the kids and go (believe me, I wanted to!), but he's at least more receptive than he's ever been.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to get it all out there and also ask...other than lots of prayer, what should I be doing? I haven't done anything like issue ultimatums, don't know if I should or shouldn't. And I'm not stupid enough to believe that how ever many times I have found him out, there aren't a bunch more that he got away with. But I want to do what is biblical and Godly and this is is all new to me. Thanks in advance for any advice you can give me. Sorry about the length.

[duet_4-8]

Hi agape,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. But I am glad that you have found SR. I will offer you what I can although I am far from an expert. Unfortunately I know more now that I used to....

I am the wife of a drug-addicted man (shorthand-AH for 'addicted husband-you will see that in lots of posts). He uses narcotics, prescription pain meds. But alcohol is a drug just like all the rest and the signs of addiction are universal. I would have to say that it certainly sounds like your husband has a problem.

I am also a Christian; my faith is very important to me. After over 15 years of doing things the way that I thought God would want-doing whatever I could to keep the marriage together, trying to be a good wife and mother-I can tell you that I was going about it all wrong.

I finally opened up to a couple of people in my community group at church, and ultimately spoke with my pastor. I have learned that all the things that I was doing that I thought were 'loving' my husband-forgiving him over and over, because after all that is what Jesus said we are to do (as my AH so often reminds me...), and covering his tracks at work, etc, were the wrong things to do. In fact I was not loving him in a biblical manner at all, but only making it possible for him to escape the consequences of his behavior. My pastor said that the way to love him was to let him feel the pain of his choices instead of feeling them for him. It's his only chance.

It doesn't sound like your situation is anywhere near as serious as mine is-YET. And that is the key word-yet. It will be if things don't change somehow. People with an addiction will not seek help until they are suffering from their behavior; they will just continue to use and spiral down, taking their loved ones with them.

Scripture does indeed say to forgive, but we are also told to guard our hearts. And we are admonished over and over that the choices we make will lead to consequences. When God says we will reap what we sow, he is not threatening punishment, he is simply stating fact. When we as wives get in the way of those consequences, we are getting in God's way as well.

I had to learn that I could forgive him without blindly trusting him to do the things he promised to do, like quit using drugs and lying about the things he does. The fact is, he can't do it because he hasn't sought help and he is sick.

That's where I think the red flag is in your story-the lying and the turning the blame on you for his behavior. It's just a classic behavior. Read the 'sticky' posts at the top of the different forums here, and check out the ones for family and friends.

OK-here are a couple of suggestions. One, go out and get the book 'Boundaries' by Townsend and Cloud. It is a biblical perspective on setting boundaries with people that are behaving irresponsibly. Everything is backed up with God's word, but a lot of it is probably not what most of us wives have heard in the past.

Second-go to www.celebraterecovery.com and see if there is a program in your area. This is a Christian recovery program that was started by Rick Warren at Saddleback Church.

Of course, first and foremost, pray without ceasing. I have, and God has opened my eyes to the truth of this problem and the fact that I can do nothing about it. Only He can, but He has to be allowed to get to my AH, and for that to happen, I have to get out of the way.

Blessings,

[agape]

Thanks so much for the response. Your suggestion of Celebrate Recovery is a confirmation for me - I came across that site today during my search and it stood out among others, so I will definitely head in that direction. There are multiple groups in our immediate area.

No one locally knows about this. The only two people who do are out of state, and my husband is aware that I've talked to them. One is my mom, who is a good friend and great prayer warrior, and the other is my birth father (they divorced when I was a baby and my stepdad is "Dad"), who is unsaved, but he's a psychiatrist who has dealt with substance abuse patients. Of course both of those people are "safe"...I've been so tempted to tell my best friend here but I'm reluctant to open the door to people at church knowing...guess that's exactly what you're talking about.

I'll certainly pray about that one. I've also threatened to tell his dad, more so about the purging (which I'm not sure is still going on but I couldn't swear it isn't either) than about the alcohol...in fact a while ago I wanted him to talk to his dad about hiding bourbon and all the peripheral issues relating to how he's dealing with his mom's death. According to him, his dad said don't hide it, but not a thing about whether there might be a problem with him drinking in the first place. I wasn't surprised at my FIL's response, considering how fond he is of Jack Daniels. But who knows if he really did talk to his dad about it after all.

I do need some outlet for myself I think. I'm usually a pretty emotionally strong person, not a crier much at all, but it does get to me, I find myself just despairing over this, especially right after another incident like today. Taking out my hurt and anger by being really impatient with my kids, yelling at them about everything. Probably the fact that I'm not easily a basket case actually makes it worse because it sneaks up on me when I don't expect it. My nerves are pretty shot at the moment.

I'm so sorry for what YOU'RE going through! I can't even imagine dealing with something like this for 15 years as you have. And I can forgive without trusting, that's for sure...although each time it chips a little bit more at my heart.

Thanks again for the response. I will check out the book too, and the stickys, explore the board more - I didn't really read much before I just jumped into the Christian forum!

[duet_4-8]

Hi,
When you check out the Celebrate Recovery groups, you'll find support groups there for yourself as well as help for your husband. The leader of the one that I have been to is an incredibly Godly young man, but he is also a recovering addict. So he knows the score. I believe that most of the people who work with CR have been through the program first as addicts and then felt called to the ministry.

Support for you is a MUST. I understand totally that you are reluctant to go to anyone at your church. I was, too. But then God did one of those things that I call 'God things'. I was in a van with a friend of mine on the way to a third grade field trip. Now, I never read the newspaper. But there was a paper in her floorboard opened to a story that had been written by my now best friend who is a psych professor at the university here and a member of my community group. (Now the driver of the van had no idea that I knew this lady-it was just totally random that the paper was there.) The story was about her sister, who died from mulitple organ failure after years of alcohol and drug addiction-at the age of 39. I mean that God had to practically throw it at me! Anyway, I was at the end of my rope. I confided in her and she has been such a blessing to me. Also, it turns out that most everyone in my community group either has had some sort of problem themselves, or has a loved one that has. Addiction is much more common than you think right now. I always felt like I was the only one dealing with it. Which is exactly what Satan prefers us to think, because if we keep it a secret, in the dark, then God's light can never reach it. It is one of those 'shameful' secrets that we Christians don't like to talk about.

I will keep you in my prayers. If you want to send me a PM (private message) so we can talk without posting, feel free. There is an icon at the bottom of the post. I won't be back on til tomorrow though!

Hope you have a peaceful night!

[best]

Welcome to SR

Rick Warren's program is a nice program and there are others as well.
Aside from him seeking support and help from such a program, he would be wise to talk with the pastor of your church as well. May mean stopping his helping out with SS but it may mean added support and another set of eyes watching over him that will be there with support if needed. Not for his protection but for the protection of the fellowship. I have had a person or two walk by me at church and I knew they were drinking the night before. My nose may not work well but alcohol is picked up fast by me.

From what you have posted... I would say from a Godly perspective, you are doing right. There could come a time that boundaries may be needed and they are not ultimatums or theats but are rules that you put in place to keep your space and that of the children safe and at peace.
James Dobson from Focus on the Family had a book he talked about on one of his programs that hit home for me.

Love Must Be Tough (Paperback)
New Hope for Marriages in Crisis
Dr. James C. Dobson

It may be another resource to look into. As I listened from the perspective of the alcoholic's side of things, I was saying wow he knows his stuff to many of the points he talked about from the book.

[agape]

Originally Posted by duet_4-8

Hi,
Also, it turns out that most everyone in my community group either has had some sort of problem themselves, or has a loved one that has. Addiction is much more common than you think right now. I always felt like I was the only one dealing with it. Which is exactly what Satan prefers us to think, because if we keep it a secret, in the dark, then God's light can never reach it. It is one of those 'shameful' secrets that we Christians don't like to talk about.

It's funny you say that because of something that was said during a womens meeting a couple weeks ago, something like, look at the ladies on either side of you - you make think they have it all together but just under the surface, most of us are a mess. And part of my problem is pride I think - how will he look to my friend if I talk to her about it?

I will keep you in my prayers. If you want to send me a PM (private message) so we can talk without posting, feel free. There is an icon at the bottom of the post. I won't be back on til tomorrow though!

Hope you have a peaceful night!

I may just take you up on that, thank you. And thanks again for the responses, to you and to Best. They are much appreciated.