Don't come in here much...

[freshstart]

But right now I feel like I should be. My life has been turned upside down these last few months and I don't know how I'm supposed to handle it. Yes, I'm a recovering addict so I should probably be posting elsewhere but I gotta tell you I'm missing something. I've been pushing and pushing and pushing it away but everything I see just makes me think of it more and more. It's like a cycle that I go through in my head. See, I was raised in church but pretty much rejected it. I then found the road to Christ in a rehab I was in after much fighting it. When I got out I pretty much left it behind. I suppose most would call it jailhouse religion. I've been angry at God for a long long time now..... fighting him really. I know he's there though. That's what eats at me. I know he is still there and yet I can't reach out because I know I've been fighting him for so long. I feel like he would laugh at me right now having seen all I've done and heard all I've said. He would literally laugh at me if I tried to pray. I've prayed for people on this board and I feel the whole time like I'm being a hypocrite. Like I've just come to him because there is a problem. I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be a fox hole christian but at the same time, I know where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing. This post is the first time I've actually voiced these feelings in any way..... I won't even admit them to myself in my head most of the time. As soon as the thought of praying comes into my head I push it out..... just as fast as it came in. My lil girls dad sent me an email the other day when a lot of stuff was happening and I had to call and fill him in..... this was part of it....

"Trust that God is going
to take care of this situation! Have you asked Him to help you or are you going
to let your pride get the best of you. You know better than anybody how hard
headed you can be.I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear
I'll tell you what you need to hear.Look I messed up telling you wanted to hear
no more I love you to much for that. So let me know about this weekend."

I know he's right. I won't ever admit it to him lol, but he's right.... I AM prideful and I AM hard headed.... and right now it's in my head that God doesn't want any part of who I am and who I've been in the last two years. I've been clean, working, taking good care of my lil one. I've had my ups and downs (without going into detail) but I'm doing good.... but he's not been in it with me. I don't expect anyone to have an answer to anything I'm rambling about here... I just needed to get it out so that I couldn't deny what I was feeling anymore. Heh, I don't even really know how to explain what I'm feeling.... I just know that something has to give soon or my mind will circle forever and I can't take that. Can anyone relate to one word of this senseless mess?

[Time2Surrender]

Yeah, I can relate. God would never laugh at you. Try and work on the pride thing. It will take you down quick. Congrats on your two years. Hang in there.

[freshstart]

Just for clarification so that nobody thinks I'm trying to lie to myself or them. I do not have two years clean. I have two years "good". hence, the "ups and downs" comment... but those have been worked out. That probably didn't make sense but you know what I mean.

[best]

I fully understand.
Pigheaded stubborn ole me sure does understand.

Step one, Step two, Step 3.
When worked may give you some answers.

As for what God thinks of you...
He would be in tears when we do the things of our past.
He would laugh "with us" when we laugh because of joy in our lives...never laugh at us.

What would you want for every addict that came through the doors of SR?
Recovery? Healing? Them finding peace with their demons?

If we who are human would want such things for others...How much more does God, (who is perfect in love)want us to have the joys of life?

Christ doesn't laugh at us, He loves us.
He waits for us to reach out for His hand and out stretched arms.

Step 1, step 2, step 3...works with pride as well as it can for drugs or alcohol.

I have a problem. I can't fix it though I have tried. Help me Lord.

[cmc]

FS,
I'm so happy you came here to share. You are always welcome here- remember the name of this forum is Christians In Recovery! All who know Him or have an interest or desire for God are welcome here.
He is waiting patiently for you to come to Him. When I wait to respond I delay the blessing of acting as His child. I say 'acting' because once I accept the Lord I AM His. So many times I have missed out because I failed to realize that He loved me all along...while I worked out all my issues I missed knowing how close He actually has been to me ALL ALONG.
When I think of my own dad, I always knew he loved me but the times spent together are what really made it feel like he loved me. With God it's the same.
It's not easy to make sense of our lives when we have preconceived ideas of God that do not line up with His words to us in the bible. I've been a Christian many years and still have those times when I wonder and fuss about things that happen to me and people I love. The bottom line is we can never fully understand such an awesome God.
King Solomon tried and was said to be the wisest man of his day. What I can do is just accept in faith that He is good, He loves me and has plan for my life. By daily prayer and study of the bible I will grow closer to Him.
Jeremiah 29:11-13
'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans for your welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.'