Please pray for me...

[snowwhite]

I came here last night and wrote a post, only to delete it! I am going through so many feelings right now that I can't handle! It's bad enough to lose my child just recently, and on top of it, it feels like my world is caving in on me lately! Other issues just eat at me lately; most of which, I have no control over...

I need your prayers and your love and support! I need the "old" me back, IF I can just only get a huge chunk of it!

Thank you so much for caring about me! I just don't understand why some other issues, on top of losing my child, have to beat me down. It's hard enough on me without that, especially when it's completely avoidable! Some people can be so cruel sometimes, especially those who supposedly are the ones who claim to "love" us the most, and I just don't understand the "deliberate" actions that a person can do to hurt someone intentionally, as has been done to me! I am not that way to people I care or anyone for that matter, I feel! I DO have some morals left in me! I am so tired of being lied to! It only makes it hard for me to trust! My nerves are completely torn apart and I need to get a grasp on myself and not let other people damage my life. This week I have felt like I could just run away, but I know I can't. I just have to grin and bear it and fake it through another day. God please help me!

[best]

Prayers are with you.

and two things popped out at me from your post....

...most of which, I have no control over...

...and fake it through another day....


No control leaves us with one good choice..Let God handle it. The other choices have us hold on to it and still find that nothing changes even with all the worry.


fake it? Only time I see faking it as a good thing...when we are trying to stop a bad behavior or habit...fake it till you make it.

If you are talking about emotions... They are real, they can hurt or they can bring peace, love, hapiness, and joy into our lives. If you are hurting...work through it on your time schedule. No need to fake a thing.

[snowwhite]

Best, as ALWAYS thank you so much for your prayers and for your advice! You are a blessing to me! I haven't let things like this get to me like this in a long time because handling my daughter's death has been enough for anyone to deal with on its own! I usually "fake it" because trying to change anyone who is intentionally deceptive and doesn't CARE does no good, as I've discovered over and over! I've tried and tried, to no avail! But, yes, my emotions are REAL, as you say! I guess I am just being very vague in my explanation...

Maybe God is doing this for a reason now and is trying to open my eyes to things I try to ignore or to sweep under the rug! But WHY now? I'd rather my eyes be closed right now and only have to deal with my daughter's passing. I just don't need this! I feel bound by so many things that are so completely out of my control and I really am pretty helpless in this situation "right now."

Since my "baby" has died, I had been feeling better after Christmas, but I can't lie and say that I go through the day as I used to, so long ago before she got sick. I do go through so much of my day methodically since she passed, often hoping to "feel" normal again (and I did read that this can/does happen). That's the "faking" that I have to do to survive. But I just can't stop someone I've loved from their negative behaviors, which are tearing me apart. So that's what I mean by "faking" it in the other way; I am so burned out, you know?

I probably don't make one bit of sense, but I just am at my wits end! I WILL be in control one day. I know that! The pain...well, like you said before, I will never get over my daughter. I just HOPE and PRAY it helps me be a much stronger person, not harsh or anything, just strong and steadfast in my beliefs!

Thanks, Best! You are the BEST!

[cmc]

snowwhite,
When I broke a bone in my foot I had to wear a protective shoe for 4 weeks and then I still had to shield it for another 4 weeks untill it healed. The pain I felt those few times I bumped my foot while it was healing was worse than when I broke it.
Our emotional hurts are the same. When I am most vulnerable is obviously when I can be hurt again the most.
It's perfectly normal to need ALOT of protection considering what you have been through. Maybe as you are grieving and healing inside can you try to shield yourself from further pain? I know that I always need to have good boundaries in place on a normal 'good' day, but even moreso when I am not at my best.
What you described as 'faking it' I see more as just going through the motions. I think it's a good coping mechanism, as long as I don't completely avoid what is going on inside myself and with others who are around me.
If I can distract my emotions and place my focus on the Lord, reading the bible and maybe even memorizing a verse or two...it helps alot.
You said you hope to become a better, stronger person and I think you already are. Just because it doesn't feel that way sometimes, or alot of the time does not mean it's not true. You have had to be strong to endure and to take care of your daughter and now you have to do the same for yourself. I believe you will take care of yourself as well as you did for her.
God bless you,
cmc

[Grasshopper]

My prayers are with you[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]]

[snowwhite]

I want to thank you 4 all of your support, CMC and Grasshopper, too! I HAD to take a step back because my mind and mouth are becoming a faucet!

But I do have so much more to say and to talk about with all that you told me, CMC! You are such a beautiful person who works so hard helping others! I should strive to be more like you! Grasshopper, you are a sweetheart, too!

I am just exhausted right now and am trying so hard to go to sleep so I can come back tomorrow with, fingers crossed, hopefully a little better day! My whole body just feels like it's been through another tornado!

Love to you all!

[angelgirl]

Hi Snow..

My prayers are with you..


Talk to God, he is always listening..
Love,
Becky

[rayofsunshine]

My prayers are with you also.
(((BIG HUGS))))

[snowwhite]

Thank you all, Angel and RayofSunshine, SO MUCH! This week I don't feel like I can live without my daughter! Much of me is gone without her. I'm not living...just going through the motion. I got a letter today; I have to go to probate and settle some issues with her being gone, and I can't for the life of me pick up her death certificate to give it to them or any business concerning her, for that matter; it still drags on, as I haven't been able to do these things in a timely fashion. So I am now "requested" to come, a new one for me. I just wasn't strong enough to do any business that concerned my child! Our situation is more complicated than the usual (many of her issues have to be resolved in probate court), so I get to re-live this again and again and STILL even more times this upcoming year! It's still not over and I don't know when I will have to stop re-living it like this! I am having two friends go with me though. I feel sure the courts will hopefully understand why I haven't been able to do what I needed to do (wasn't hard, just hard for me concerning my daughter) and I hope they understand why I have put it off for months, esp. through Christmas. I've never been slack with her probate work until now. They've known me for years so I hope that counts for something. I don't know WHY all of a sudden it's like her death is happening all over again and it's still not over! It's like it just happened again! I still have so far to go with such legal issues concerning her to be tortured just a little more and more each time! I know I am weak most days, but not this bad! I just stopped crying!

Thank you for caring. I am glad I came here to read!

[best]

Grief can be like trying to eat a 100 lb cake.
Some people push it aside after a tiny taste. Most people take a bite as they are able. Some will take huge bites and rush through it. Others need take small bites but with time they get through it as well.

You are doing good to take some friends along. You are sharing the cake with others by doing so. We don't need eat the whole cake ourself.

Remember... she is not gone, she will always be with you. She is in your heart and thoughts. You will see her again and be able to hold her in your arms.
Earthly laws say paperwork needs be done... God's ways say that our sins are paid for and we will see heaven one day. No paperwork...Jesus took care of all that needs be done for us to reach heaven.
She is with you and you will hold her in your arms again.

Prayers for strength for you at the probate.

[snowwhite]

...and to think I usually like "cake."

Yes, thank goodness for my beautiful friends! One works for a well-known financial institution and has worked with me with my daughter's issues and knows her "stuff" and has always supported me (as her sister lost a child who had similar problems...she's very very understanding and caring), and the other I've known since I was 14, someone for me to look up to, also! One I asked, the other offered just to come for moral support! In fact, I have to say, I wouldn't have had to "ask" either one! How sweet!

You honestly can't tell me enough that my "baby" is with me. I need to hear that all day! I've complained so often that it hurts me because I can't "feel" her. Maybe it's because looking at her clothes, etc., breaks my heart and I have a hard time looking at even her pictures or anything remotely like that. I don't know. Maybe I am not trying hard enough! Still, sitting here writing this, I feel like I am in a nightmare, and I am going to wake up because she can't be gone! Strange!

I guess this must be my long journey hopefully to get to heaven! I have so much to overcome before I could be allowed in! I am glad He won't give me anymore paperwork too, BEST!

When all of this is over, I think I am going to take my now 13 years of files and burn most of them...except for my big accomplishments I made for her...a few articles I've had published...mine and her story which was published in a national book as an acknowledgement...and a few other things. I don't want to see the other massive loads of papers again! I worked so hard for my child! In turn, I was opened up to a new world which was more than flawed...just pitiful...heartbreaking! How stupid I was before I saw all this! I've seen so many things I never knew existed in this world! Organizations/institutions directly stealing from the disabled. It really breaks my heart to this day! I would have never left my daughter in a situation like that! At least the last few years of her life overall we were surrounded with really good people...my angels, I call them...not the ones who came and stole from my handicapped child's piggy bank for about $60...big sin for little reward, huh??...PURELY AWFUL...or those who took advantage of us, forging signatures, never showing up...people I wouldn't walk out of the room to leave them with her, etc. That is one worry I don't have anymore, I guess. God knew I had a TON on my plate! But I'd much rather her be at home with me! But I hope God is proud of me for carrying the "cross" he gave me in life for the most part, and I did it out of love, but the bad part is I hurt myself inside while doing so...I have to overcome that somehow! Anyway, I saw a very SAD world out there that so many are unaware of and I learned so much...much I didn't want to know about...but everyone needs to know, I would think!

Probate should be okay this time, Best. Once they see my swollen eyes and frail body (and probably new wrinkles), I think they'll know that this has taken it's toll on me! I think they all know how much I loved her soul!

The last probate date will be the rough one and I'll need more prayers than I could ask for! I'll let you know more about that one later! I'm sure it'll be like a big game show...the last one!

And CMC, I never got to write much, but thank you for telling me that I am much strong than I think. You have a nice way of putting things! I am definitely going to try to set more boundaries to try to shield myself. I can't take what I went through this week. I can't change anyone but myself as we all know! I used to be SO much stronger...but all this has taken it's toll on me. I just wonder how long it takes to heal after about 13 years of pain and losing a child! It's not a typical situation, and it's so criptic to me! Today was hard, too, for a while. I was watching television, saw someone dying and thought of my girl and had to leave the room, especially when the next scene was a graveyard. This whole week has been one trigger after another...I hope next week is better. I may still feel like a robot...but I'm so tired of crying! I can't believe that all this has happened to my family and me! I would have never guessed in a million years!

Prayers and blessings to you all!

[2stop]

{{{{{{Biggest, warmest Hugs and Prayers}}}}} coming your way!

[snowwhite]

Love to you, 2Stop! You held my hand those first days! I don't forget that!

And I remember you, AngelGIRL, there, too. I wanted to remind you of how much you've done for me, too, but I've been a basket case all week!

You both have done more for me than I could ever tell you! And you still take the time to send me your love, when I know you have things to deal with of your own!

Just a touch does so much for me, and I wish YOU ALL so much in your life...ALL of you: Best, Grasshopper, CMC, 2Stop, AngelGirl, RayofSun, JWife, DeeDee, BigSis, sugarssweetpea, DWI (whom I've talked with elsewhere), and I couldn't leave out these particular people who've been true friends to me also, sweet Arura...and Buzz, whom I haven't seen in a while, and I know there are others!!! IF I forgot someone from this particular Christian forum whom I've been touched by, I didn't mean to leave out anyone! There certainly are others from SR whom I feel the same about. But I wish them the same!

But my prayer today is NOT for me...I pray that you ALL have so many blessings in your life that you don't know what to do with all of them! I pray that you exceed EVERYTHING you've ever wanted to do in life and that you are given God's wonderful Grace for being so kind to me...and to others!! You certainly deserve to be overflowing with blessings...so much that you have to share. I KNOW I am not much help to anyone lately, but I will eventually try to do the same for you as you have done for me. And I'm sorry, but I can't thank you enough for the unconditional LOVE and COMPASSION you've shown me!

My doctor switched took me off Cymbalta today though it was doing GREAT, except that I had a severe skin reaction...Now here's me with the body of iron, finally found a decent antidepressant, and I for ONCE have a reaction! How funny is that?

Well, thanks, my friends! I thank you so much for your prayers and concerns! You are really good people!

[Cynay]

My prayers go out to you as well, the Cross he gave you Im not so sure I could carry.


Hon... This may seem different but it is what came to me when I read all this.

God sometimes does things for me that I cant do for myself. When he does this it hurts more then anything in the world cuz it does not make sense to me. Maybe, just Maybe God took your baby girl home to keep both her and you from hurting more in the future? Something he thinks you can handle now to protect you from something he knows you could not handle????

Just a thought. Hugs to you.

[snowwhite]

Cynay,

I wrote more, but I left some out about HOW she was injured exactly...if you want the rest, or if anyone cares to know, I don't mind posting it. It bothered me at first, but I can talk more about it some days.

Of all people in this world, I would have never thought I could carry this cross. Oh, no...NOT me! It's too much of a tough cross! Me: the one who thought "I" could do anything because I “earned” it. Me: the one who never knew such a life existed; my family was so healthy. Me: who went on to be the first in my family to earn a master's degree. Me: who was as stubborn as a donkey! Me: who was selfish?! NOT ME...NO WAY...!!! NEVER!!

BUT....

You know...I had a choice, Cynay...I know I did. But this is how it all started: When God gave me that baby and I held her in my arms, she was perfect! There was NOT one thing wrong with her...the most beautiful baby I've ever seen! I do have a three year old (thank God...a miracle in herself) so I know how we mothers are. But my first born was just beautiful and so perfect: people would just gawk at her beautiful face! Yes, AND I am being a proud mom, too! But I was SO PROUD to have her as a first mom! But a couple of times, I had a few eerie feelings that she was too good to be true, like something would go wrong...I was told most new mothers do that, and they probably do! Still, there was NOT a thing wrong with my beautiful baby! NOTHING!

I spent day and night loving her for the next two months and I bonded with her, when I could get her out of my families’ arms! Talk about baby hogs!

That's when the medical madness started!
I left this part out...what happened to cause her to have problems...the problems only made me cling more tightly to her and to love her more!

Cynay, I KNOW you would have done the same! Mothers will do just about anything for their babies! You may not think you could...but you would! I KNOW YOU WOULD! I thought the SAME about MYSELF, but I would have had MORE PAIN had I given up and let her go...her life wouldn’t have been nearly as long and as happy! I don't live with that guilt, AT least! I have plenty of guilt, but that will NEVER be one of them! I promise, you would love YOUR child so much, BUT you WOULD be so HURT if something so tragic and SO AVOIDABLE (by a cocky, know-all-doctor) had happened to your child that you would hold that child even tighter, and that is just what I did!!! I didn't have a choice in MY HEART, in my mind, yes...but I could never UNLOVE her. She was the same baby that I gave birth to! I didn't damage her! But I couldn't stop loving her. It only made me love her insanely more! I truly KNOW you underestimate yourself on that. You didn't know me before I had her. This was NOT my lifestyle by any means...I was selfish and loved my freedom...it was hard for my stubborn self to adjust, probably never did anyway! But I couldn't leave her with someone who LOVED HER LESS THAN ME! That would be tortuous to me! So instead, I tortured myself, and loved her more! You would would find a way! I know it! You wouldn't like the way things turned out, but you would go through with it!

You last part brought tears to me, and YES, feelings of guilt! But they ARE VERY WISE WORDS, though I cringe at the thought of them though they make sense!!! I have had the same thoughts, and I have expressed them with one of my caregivers/best friends! You are very insightful to see what others may not! These are ONLY normal human thoughts, and I try not to deny my feelings. Yes, I made plenty of mistakes! Please note: this was NEVER a wish of mine for her to leave, but I would lie IF I were to tell you it was easy for me; it was painful and hard...for my whole family! But finally after years, I got two great ladies who helped me a good bit, though, of course, I was always home and always there. You can see that I miss my baby! Lord knows, I loved her so much! I honestly thought I needed to get my Legal Will together for MY death one day so I would have the best person caring for her, and I had that already planned...in the works...just not the will completed. I worried about our future, but guess what? In the end, I worried about nothing to a certain degree...worthless worrying. Remember: God says just to worry about today; well, He was right! I worried about her starting her period...never really happened. I would lie in bed so many nights crying thinking how cruel it was for her to have to have a period...years I cried about this and so did my mom! Well, God never gave her one really! That makes me feel guilty, like maybe *I* WAS the reason for her death, you know, because ALL of THIS was massively sad for me! But I STILL envisioned and WANTED her in her 30s living at home with me! I did worry so much, though, and everyone told me they didn't KNOW HOW I DID IT...not that I deserve a trophy! If you knew my friends who've known me before this, I am a changed person...not doing well at all right now! But I am changed from loving someone whose life was unjustly ruined and now she's taken from me! That makes it even harder for me! It wasn't like a one time mistake! THREE Chances! THREE! (That's the part I left out.)

Yes, I self-destructed as time went on. Even as hard as I was on myself, I don't think God wanted her to live WITHOUT me and maybe my days were numbered with all the Tylenol, as I, for the first time, leaned to pain pills regularly to cover the pain the wrong way! I cry as I say this, because it makes me feel like *I* WAS THE CAUSE OF HER DEATH, as I've already said...BECAUSE GOD KNOWS OUR HEARTS, and he KNEW HOW MUCH I HURT FOR HER and that it WAS getting harder for BOTH of us! YOU MAKE TOO MUCH SENSE! Yes, for myself, too, I hurt from the start...I was young...my dreams and goals were shattered, too! I had so many dreams for her, too, as do all mothers have for their children. BUT I MOSTLY HURT FOR HER, seeing her trapped in her body unfairly! Like I wrote in this book that is now published, "The loss of a child from blatant deception not only takes one person, but it captures along with it the total core of the family." And I hate to admit it, but I KNOW if she is dancing in heaven, she IS in a much better place! I just WISH that God would let me SEE her for ONE time...not in a dream, but AWAKE! Often I feel WHAT RIGHT do I have to really LIVE again with all the guilt I will have because she isn't here to share my life with me?! Yes, so true that some of this makes me feel like MY PAIN CAUSED GOD TO TAKE HER and I also DO BELIEVE that as she was GROWING, GOD didn't want her body TO CAUSE HER MORE PAIN, keeping her a LITTLE CHILD to come into HIS arms! I HAVE thought that before, and I am surprised that you would be able to come up with that! You are very wise to acknowledge it at all, and I AM TRYING to be true to my feelings. I AM HUMAN and I will not LIE and say it wasn't a burden. But SHE WAS MY LIFE, too! Being a caregiver can be one of the hardest jobs, especially when it's someone you've loved since birth! Credit is sometimes the last thing you get, too, and I needed that so often! Even though, we would be bound to this house, as usual, I would have accepted it forever. It took me YEARS to relieve myself of that "itch" I used to get to want to go out just to do anything...and finally it came...but NOW it takes practically a shovel to get me to leave! But like I have said, I WAS NOT a strong person, not when it came to her problems! I think I am strong in many ways: I wouldn't let a SOUL HURT THAT CHILD and I would FIGHT for ANYTHING SHE DESERVED (I would have fought the DEVIL for her), but when it came to LOVING HER, I WAS NOT STRONG, just a big bag of mush!! She just melted my heart! She took on the physical limitations while I took on the mental pain! It was excruciating.

It makes me feel like a failure that God may have taken her for these reasons! But I do agree it got harder and harder! WHY couldn't I be one of those Suzy Homemakers who just accepts this and goes on!??? Why did my heart break so much that I became dysfunctional? Don't get me wrong...I self-hated...but I never denied her anything she needed! I only hurt myself! I JUST KNOW the love was extremely intense! I will never DENY MY LOVE for her...Funny, she looked just like me, too! My little twin! She was alert, squealed with laughter, kicked around, and mostly, the closest she EVER came to committing a sin was pulling my hair and LAUGHING about it! Darn, I love her! Just a precious child. When she kissed, she would open her WHOLE mouth and give it ALL! I took her to Disney and this was so funny: I have a picture of it. Pinnochio came up to her and she started screaming and laughing. He took her arms and danced with her in her chair! I told her to give Pinnochio a kiss and when he leaned down to kiss her, she SUCKED his WHOLE front of his NOSE! Everyone started laughing. I cried from joy! Then I went back a year or so later and I couldn't figure out WHAT they were trying to tell me, but "Tigger" remembered us and kept doing the "nose" trick, as he couldn't "talk" while in uniform! She WAS full of life, and I do want ya'll to know that!


Cynay, thanks for your insight, really! No, you were WRONG about one thing: it wasn't JUST a thought! You are just very intuitive. It's a lot for me to grasp, but I've already thought about it. And, yes, it hurts to think of it that way...but from her end, it’s good to know she’ll never suffer again...I know where you are coming from, so don't think I believe you have one mean bone in your body when you said that! I think you just know how difficult and desolate our lives were...she had SO MANY rough days, though mostly, I feel, at the end and in the beginning with her being a medical guinea pig...though I tried to make most of her days as beautiful, as content, and as happy as possible they did get harder as she grew...so many doctor’s appointments! IF ONLY I am with her in heaven, I WILL BE OKAY WITH IT ALL...ONE DAY!!! Can you imagine what I would do IF I saw that precious little thing dancing around? I would faint right then and there! It would be one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen!!!


God BLESS YOU! Sad way of looking at the things God wants that we may not want!

[best]

Snow

I was looking for a story about a pearl but couldn't find it. I will try to type it out from memory. I see that at times you say you need do more or didn't do enough...Well, Jesus did it all. There is nothing we can do, could have done, need to do for us to gain heaven but one thing... accept His free gift of life..believe in Him.

A missionary was in a small sea side town. A man he befriended that soon became a Christian had lost his son. His son was a pearl diver and on this one day, the son found a pearl of great worth and gave it to the father with his last breath. When the son died from diving to deep and drowning, the father's heart was broken and the only thing he had that he felt he could hold onto was the wonderful pearl that his son gave him. In talking with the misionary and starting to find peace, the father realized that he needed seek a deeper relationship with the Lord. The father went on to tell the missionary that he was going on a quest to pay for his sins. The quest would be to crawl on is knees in prayer for 100 miles. The missionary tried telling him that no payment was needed. Jesus paid it all.
The father also gave the pearl to the missionary and thanked him for his friendship through the years. The missionary knowing the full value of the pearl could not take it without paying something for it. He offered the father a payment and the father said no. See he said...My son already paid for that pearl with his life. Nothing you could give would ever be able to take the place of his payment of love for me.
With that the missionary said to the father.... Ahhh now you fully undertsand what Jesus did for you... You now understand God's love for us. Nothing we can do can ever take the place of the payment that has been made by the son...Jesus paid it all.
Just as you did everything and would do anything and everything for your daughter...God's love for us is the same. We are His children and just as a mother would give up her own life for her child, God gave up His life on a cross for us. Jesus did it all.
Accepted, forgiven, loved, and one day we will be in heaven.
Children, through prevenial grace are not held accountable, so be they little angels in our eyes or full of trouble like I was as a boy... all children go to heaven by God's prevenial grace for them....bring all the little children unto me.
Jesus paid it all. All to Him I owe. Sin has left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.

[snowwhite]

[QUOTE=best;1172309]Snow
...Well, Jesus did it all. There is nothing we can do, could have done, need to do for us to gain heaven but one thing... accept His free gift of life..believe in Him.
QUOTE]

Best, I am so glad to hear of others' beliefs, such as yours, the same idea...just different and more positive approaches to faith...which help me understand that I will never be perfect and don't have to be. Your words WILL help me in the future! I just need to get that into my head. I thank you so much for sharing your story about the pearl. If only I could have 20% of your happiness and "continued" faith, it would be wonderful. But you spreading this message has given me reason not to be so hard on myself ALL the time. Like I told you, I had mixed feelings in the way I was taught, not that it was meant necessarily to be bad or that ALL was bad. But the fear of burning in hell never left my mind, I suppose, though over time it's gotten to be less scary...besides, like I said, I feel I've lived through hell...but, as I told you, I wanted to go to heaven because I was scared of "burning" for eternity hell. ...scary for a child!!!!


I finally went to my daughter's grave and changed the flowers around on Saturday. I took my cousin and my mother with me so that I could get myself to "go." I don't know when I will/can go back!! I have been withdrawn since then, I guess. I think so many days I sit in denial and self-pity! Actually, I don't "think" that: I do. I feel so often "IF ONLY...she would have never gotten sick, "IF ONLY..."! I know I am wasting my time doing this. But I have changed for the worst compared to the way I was before all the years of her being sick, so much for the worst; it really has taken its toll on me! Maybe one day I will look back and know that it was for a reason, as I too will hopefully become a better person and function better! For now, I struggle!

I am glad to see happy people around me here who have gotten through such hard things in their lives, only to come back on TOP! It all serves as an example to me that I need to keep hoping the same can happen to me!

Hope you all are having a good week!